AN: Welcome back! I had Lasik and staring at a screen was simply too much lol. This chapter follows Elle's first show back on tour. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think. I recommend checking out Halsey's cover of Lucid Dream while reading.
"Elle Harper made her much-anticipated return to the Count Me In Tour last night in Detroit. Fans were surprised that Elle would be opening for Big Time Rush so soon. It was just two weeks ago that she fled the tour after BTR frontman, Kendall Knight shared her private pictures on social media. While the two had a brief and secret fling during the beginning of the summer, the pop star made it clear how she felt about him last night."
There was a clip of me onstage during a break in my set. I could hear how my voice was shaking in the video as I clutched the mic.
"I wanted to take a moment to say thank you for all the support you've shown me the past few weeks. You're the best fans in the world and I'm beyond grateful. And despite what some people may think, I came back to this tour for myself and for you guys. I didn't come back for anyone else."
"Also notable, was the the duet she normally sang with Kendall was cut in favor of a stripped-down song with just her and the electric guitar."
...
When I told Gustavo and Liz that I planned on singing something else during the duet time slot, they made it clear I could skip that until I was ready. Part of me wanted to end my set early, take a sleeping pill, and not wake up until tomorrow's show. But I had picked up the guitar before realizing what I was doing. In the time I was away, between healing and having panic attacks, I managed to write a few songs but I hadn't intended on playing any of them tonight. I tuned the guitar with trembling hands, I didn't play onstage often, let alone an electric one.
"Uh, normally this is where I sing a certain song with someone. But for obvious reasons, I'm never fucking doing that again." I said without thinking and there were a few boos when I alluded to Kendall. "This one is new, I wrote it while I was away. I'm still working on it."
The crowd cheered and I let out a breath trying to center myself. There was always something so vulnerable about sharing a new song with the world. You were taking a piece of yourself and your creativity and letting people interpret it in their own way. Apart from the songs about Jett, these were the most emotional songs I had written.
"I still see your shadows in my room and hate that I can't take back all that I gave you."
No matter what I did, Kendall was everywhere. In my nightmares, I saw green eyes and his angry scowl. His face was all over social media, along with my body. Right now, he was parked at the side of the stage where he had been since wishing me good luck before the show. His lingering presence during my performance set me on edge more than I already was. And I hadn't known this when I wrote the song, but he was inside of me. There was the tiny piece of himself he had left behind that was growing by the minute. All of it made me want to crawl out of my skin and take back every moment we shared together.
"I have these dreams where I can't move a thing, thinking of you in my bed."
Back in LA, life had been hell. Even before I knew I was pregnant. I had been woken up by panic attacks and nightmares about Kendall and him betting with Jett. There had been nightmares where I couldn't move as I watched Kendall tell me to kill myself and shove me. I had been utterly exhausted and heartbroken. I still was. This song was scratched out on the pad of paper by my bed in the middle of the night when I woke up covered in sweat and tears.
"You were my e-everything." My voice caught in my throat and I wanted to pull at my sleeves. "Then you said I'm just better off dead."
I was lucky to be alive and didn't take that for granted. I had survived two suicide attempts in almost as many years. It wasn't as if my life was terrible, not by a long shot. I had just been driven to desperate acts by terrible people and not existing had seemed better than living with the pain. My attempt after the Jett Incident had been one thing. I was reacting to the trauma and all the built-up anguish from a toxic relationship. But Kendall... hearing the man I was falling in love with tell me I should kill myself broke me in a way I wasn't sure I could ever come back from.
Without thinking about it, I snuck a peek at the side of the stage where he was watching. His face was contorted into a deep grimace and he bit his lip, the tears in his eyes glinting in the lights. It took everything in me to stop my voice from breaking. The blood was rushing in my ears and it felt like the crowd of 22,000 people had gone silent.
"I was tangled up in your drastic ways. Who knew evil boys had the prettiest face?" My voice was soft and when I blinked, hot tears blurred my vision. "I gave you my heart and you made heart break."
And then it happened. My small sob echoed into the microphone and echoed out into the arena. I had never cried on stage like this and it made me want to crawl into a hole. All I could think about was how head over heels I had been for Kendall. I was falling in love with him and thought he was falling in love with me. When we had finally gotten over our egos, I thought that was the end of him being an asshole. He was hot and funny and I believed he was a good person. I could have never imagined he was up to something so disgusting. Even now, as I cried alone onstage because of him, he was still attractive. But beneath his blonde hair, green eyes, and pink lips something dark had been hiding.
The crowd cheering for me brought me back to my senses and I wiped my eyes before continuing. "You made my heart break, you made my heart break, you made my heart break a-again."
I repeated the line a few more times. I was fucking exhausted and not just because of the nightmares. I was tired of always being broken. First Jett and now this. It seemed like I was always picking up pieces of myself and trying to glue them back together.
"He made my heart break, he made my heart break," I sniffed and shook my head. "He made my heart break again."
...
"At one point during this new song, Elle broke down in tears. And after being exposed like this, who can blame her?" The host pointed to a screenshot of a fan's video. "That's not the only change to the show. Elle didn't join her tourmates to sing the duets they normally do during the Big Time Rush set. It looks like the drama is far from over and Backstage Access is here to cover it all."
...
After the new song, the stage lights dimmed giving me a moment to collect myself. I had managed to make it through the last part of my set despite my tears and Kendall continuing to watch my every move. And when I took my final bows, I tried to be present and grateful of the fact that I was still able to experience this moment. But this lasted for all of thirty seconds because when I got off stage, Kendall was in my face and grabbing my arms.
"Elle, I'm so fucking sorry. You were so good b-baby. You're always so good and I'm sorry."
His breath made my stomach immediately churn. I hadn't been able to tell from the stage but he was drunk and I didn't understand how he hadn't blacked out and how no one had come to get him. The vodka seemingly wafted from his pores and his eyes were still glassy.
"Get off of me! I told you to leave me the fuck alone." I pushed him away and climbed down the stairs to backstage.
The mood of my friends and Liz was joyful and didn't match my anger. It didn't make sense at first, Liz should have been pissed that Kendall basically followed me onstage. But then I saw Gustavo clenching his fists and yelling at a roadie.
"He's on in 15 minutes what do you mean you can't find Kendall?"
"Elle, that was amazing you-" I pushed past Liz yanking out my inner ears. "What's wrong."
Now that I was safely backstage, my rage spilled over. "No one can find Kendall because he fucking hid on the side stage and watched me the whole fucking show!"
Liz's joy morphed to confusion and then horror. "He what?"
"He spent my whole set drinking and watching me like some freak! I'm not doing this for the rest of the summer."
Gustavo's face bloomed into an angry shade of red as the guys disappeared behind the curtain. I could hear the shuffling and then watched as Kendall stumbled through the thick curtain, the guys hot on his heels.
"Guys, I'm not even drunk. It's fine."
"No, it's not! You're not going to bother her like that." Logan shoved him. "She told you to leave her the fuck alone."
Kendall rolled his eyes and looked at me. "Baby, I'm sorry. I miss seeing you perform. I was just watching, she's my girlfriend. I'm allowed to watch her sing."
I threw down the towel Liz had handed me and marched over to him. "I am not your girlfriend and you've seen enough of me. And thanks to you, so has the whole world. I agreed to this tour for my own goals. I came back to try and fix what you fucked up. I don't want any interaction with you. Leave me alone."
Liz's hand rested on my shoulders. "Come on, we'll talk about this in the morning. I'm sorry this happened, we thought he was holed up in a dressing room somewhere. You had an amazing show, let's focus on that and get on the bus."
I was too tired to fight her on this and let her lead me down the hall. Behind me, I could hear Kendall's voice above the shouting.
"Elle, I'm sorry! I'm gonna fix this!"
...
The first show back had been a success overall but as I sat on my bus watching the coverage on my computer, it was hard to be positive. It wasn't Kendall watching that was the problem, that would be handled by making sure he was backstage in sight of everyone when I started. And it wasn't that I cried onstage, people were sympathetic.
My one day to enjoy being back on tour was over and it seemed like my body knew that. After leaving Detroit late last night, I was still in bed on the bus. I was beyond nauseated and my stomach had reacted to every pothole and jolt that the bus encountered all night. Because it was just me on this bus, the back room that had been a living room on the bus I shared with the guys, was an actual room. Which I was grateful for.
"How are you feeling?" Liz asked as she peeked her head in the door. "Do you need anything?"
"A time machine." I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head. "So I can go back and make him use a condom."
This made Liz laugh even though I was serious. I could hear the crinkling of plastic and the fizz of a soda can.
"I don't have that but I do have crackers and ginger ale."
The idea of eating anything made me queasy but I was hungry, the way I always was the morning after a show. I sat up and took a cracker with caution.
"Come sit. We need to talk."
I trudged to the front of the bus and sat on the couch, folding my legs underneath me.
"Liz, I'm not in the mood," I warned between bites. "I know I played an unrehearsed song-"
"What? No, that's not what I wanted to talk about." She gestured to me. "We need to talk about this."
We stared at each other in confusion for a long moment before she huffed.
"Elle, you're pregnant. What's your plan?"
Scoffing, I stood up from the couch. "Ugh, Liz I don't want to talk about this."
"You know I don't like to be forceful but at this point, I have to be. You can't keep ignoring this. You're eight weeks and Dr. Campbell called to remind you that your window to take the pill is closing." She blocked my path back to my bed. "Sit. We need to figure this out."
It wasn't often that Liz pulled rank on me. But when she did, she was serious. I sat back down and sipped on my soda as I glared at her.
"I know this is scary and frustrating and truthfully just really fucked up. And I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else but you can't keep ignoring this." Her voice was high and thin. "I'm worried about you. You've been through so much and you're so strong. But you keep avoiding this and I'm worried you're going to end up with something you don't want."
Her emotions made my throat go tight and I focused on my lap.
"I know I keep shutting you down when you want to talk about it. I'm sorry."
"Do you want to have it?" Her question was quiet. "Because if you do, we'll figure it out."
My immediate reaction was to shake my head. "No. I'm 23 years old and despite everything, I still have my career in front of me."
"Okay, so we'll call Dr. Campbell and get a prescription."
This made me shake my head too. "No, no pills. No blood. I can't."
I thought of the blood that had been there when I miscarried after Jett's attack and from my recent attempt back in LA. I had seen enough blood for a lifetime.
"Fine, we'll fly back to LA and have it done in the office. You may have to miss a show for recovery but we'll come up with a cover."
This didn't sit right either and I could feel my eyes starting to burn. My voice wobbled as I spoke up.
"I don't want that either."
I heard my manager let out a breath, trying to stay calm. "Adoption might be difficult because of the tour. You'll go from showing and pregnant to not having a baby but we can be honest about it."
The idea of sending a baby, especially one that was a part of me to adoption or foster care made me sick to my stomach and I rubbed my hand over my face.
"Adoption isn't on the table. I'm not sending them to a foster home. It's fucked up, especially when I have resources other people don't."
Liz was quiet for a long moment and I could sense her frustration. When I finally met her eyes she was staring at me with misunderstanding and pity.
"Elle, those are all your options. I'm trying to be sympathetic but I don't understand what you want me to do here. You can't just ignore this."
My tears finally started to fall, fat and hot down my cheeks. "I know. I just don't want to be going through this. I want to take it all back and have this never happen in the first place."
She took my hand in hers. "I know and I'm so sorry. But you that's not an option. You can't keep pretending this isn't happening."
"You're right. I just hate it all so much." I sobbed as I held my knees to my chest. "Kendall ruined everything and doesn't have to deal with the consequences."
Her arms wrapped around me as she rubbed circles on my back. I knew I was running out of time to make a decision and that I do nothing. I was paralyzed by anger and fear about everything that had happened.
"It's fucked up." She agreed. "But you have to do something."
"But Kendall-"
"But nothing. You don't owe him anything or have to tell him. But you do need to make some kind of decision soon."
With one final sniff, I climbed to my feet. "I don't know what I want yet."
"Elle."
"I'm done talking about it. Let me know when we have to leave."
It was childish but I slammed the door before climbing back into bed. Liz was right of course, I was running out of time. Each day that passed without a decision was another day the little reminder Kendall left me could grow. My hand found its way back to its semi-permanent resting spot on my belly. In just a few weeks, there would be a small bump and then it would be impossible to ignore. I could feel it taking its toll on me physically and emotionally.
I shut my eyes and focused on the hand on my belly and tried to figure out which direction I was leaning in. I pictured myself watching my body change and grow. I pictured a tiny baby with dark hair and then a toddler running around the stage while I rehearsed. But I could picture myself taking the pills and acting like this never happened just as easily. In another universe, Kendall wouldn't have betrayed me and would have been there when the test was positive. Maybe he would have been excited.
But then again, there was probably a universe where I wasn't pregnant and it had been a false alarm.
I hoped that Elle considered herself lucky.
AN: Elle still has no idea what she wants to do and who can blame her? I've started the next chapter so hopefully, there's not as long of a break. Let me know what you think! Thanks