"You can fly home," joked John as he slapped his brother's shoulder lightly.

"Gee thanks," Rodney muttered.

"That is if you can deactivate the shield first," John grinned.

Rodney was too quite for John's liking, he watched his brother work hard, moments later the shield disappeared. He knew they were both tired, exhausted. "You okay?" questioned John.

"Me…yeah fine, how are you?" Rodney asked.

"I've been better, but I'm alive, thanks to you, did a pretty damn good job there McKay."

"Yeah…thanks."

"Uh oh, what's up Rodney?" John knew his tone, knew how Rodney was, and knew that something was desperately wrong. For Rodney to become quiet was his desperate way of crying out for help, for anything and everything. It was his way of begging for help, begging for someone to pay attention to him.

"Nothing," that worried John only further; Rodney was a man of many words, usually all of them either negative or rude. He boasted about everything more than any man John had ever met. Rodney loved to whine, to complain just to get some attention, but withdrawing into himself was a much larger cry for help.

"Yeah right, I've known you since you were ten years old, so try again pal."

"Leave me alone Sheppard," growled Rodney suddenly.

John was taken aback by this, he was used to Rodney's wrath by now, he had survived ten years with it, he wasn't stupid, but something was really bothering Rodney, and John knew that if he didn't find out what soon, they may have a much bigger problem than two dead scientists, a flesh wound, a massive headache and one surly astrophysicist.

However, John decided to let it go for now, he would bother his brother later. Teyla and Ford had arrived and were leading them back to Atlantis. John watched his younger brother fly the puddle jumper, the attitude was rough enough to slice with butter. John didn't know whether he wanted to reach and hug his brother or kick him in the ass.

"Rodney," it was a mere whisper, somehow John hadn't intended it to sound so weak and pathetic, but maybe it would help pull the man out of his little funk if Rodney realized how badly John was hurting as well.

"What," came Rodney terse response.

"What happened to Gaul?" it was a simple question, but John watched Rodney's face go from furious, to agonizingly sad, to scared.

"He died…"

"How Rodney, how did Gaul die, what aren't you telling me? Rodney you and I have never had a problem really talking, don't start now."

"It's your fault!" bit Rodney, his icy cold glare piercing John.

"My fault?"

"You told me to put the fucking gun in his hand! To help defend ourselves! You made me give him the fucking gun!" screamed Rodney with an intensity that not only scared John, but worried him as well.

"Rodney, how did Gaul die?"

"I was talking, babbling really, just like you always pick on me about, talking about you. He just kept telling me to go and save you. I couldn't leave him I…HE SHOT HIMSELF!" screamed Rodney. His face becoming pale and his breathing ragged.

"Rodney! Breathe, listen to me, come on I need you to breathe," John said shaking his younger brother's shoulders.

"He…he shot himself…."

"I know, Rodney, he shot himself to save us, he knew you could help…"

"He said I've changed…"

"How?" John asked as he looked at Rodney seriously.

"I…have I changed?"

"You mean personality, sorry to disappoint ya kiddo, but you've always been the strong man I see standing before me. You were always strong and brave, some people just never cared to see past it."

"I…"

"Rodney, listen to me, it is not your fault, it's going to hurt for a while, really hurt bad. But this was not your fault, it wasn't anyone but that damn Wraith's fault."

"He…he said people would talk…"

"No one is going to talk Rodney…"

"People still talk about Colonel Sumner," Rodney murmured.

John shook his head, "Rodney, we've both lost people, unfortunately in a way it seems like both times it was our fault, but it wasn't Rodney."

"I've never shot anyone….or anything before."

"I killed my first person at nineteen, it hurts Rodney, for a long time, but eventually you move past the pain."

"It was a Wraith…why do I feel like I'm a murderer."

"You're not, you protected me, it may not have been human, but it was still a living creature, you've never really been up against that before Rodney."

"How do you feel?" Rodney asked suddenly, noticing that John looked terrible.

"I'll survive, this time…so will you."

"Thanks John…"

"Hey, what are brothers for."