Days passed, John played oblivious to the condition of his brother…everyone but Carson and Teyla had begun to turn a blind eye. No one was on his side, and things were getting rough for him. He had pulled into his shell, Carson remained with Lauryn in his care, but he feared and worried for his best friend. He was not the same man he had been before this catastrophe. Part of Carson knew that Rodney needed to learn a lesson from all of this, but this wasn't the way to do it.

He was quite, withdrawn, in ten days Carson had seen him turn away from everything he'd known, including Lauryn, Teyla and Carson. He had gone about his usual work, his egotistical ways gone, his screaming and yelling no more, he ignored everyone and everyone ignored him right back. What hurt the most however, was watching John avoid his younger brother.

Rodney was lost, and Carson knew if they didn't get him back soon, he'd probably never be coming back. It ceased to amaze Carson, at how he wasn't even related to either man, and yet here he was trying to help both men before they did something they would regret forever.

There was no doubt in Carson's mind that Rodney was regretting every moment of the past several weeks and the accident. However, Carson was afraid it probably wasn't because Rodney wanted to think about it, with everyone ignoring him or playing off his minor success people believed that he had finally figured out his place, leaving Rodney all the time in the world to think about what he'd done.

It was true, things hadn't run so smoothly on Atlantis ever as they were the days following the accident, but Rodney had never been so silent either, or withdrawn. It scared and worried Carson.

"Carson?" Teyla's voice snapped him from his thoughts.

"Aye, hello luv, what can I do for you?"

"It is Doctor McKay I'm very concerned about him."

"What's he gotten himself into?"

"He did not attend our session, and while he normally doesn't, he did not have an excuse this time."

"I haven't even seen him recently, and Lauryn isn't too happy about that either."

"Carson…is it normal to miss someone who drives you insane?" Teyla asked smiling sadly.

"Aye lass, quite normal…I'll go find him," Carson said as he lifted Lauryn into Teyla's arms. She easily took the burden and smiled.

Carson had to let out a breath of trepidation when he finally found Rodney after two hours of searching, however it didn't quail his fear when looked at Rodney slumped against the balcony edge.

"Rodney?" He saw the back turn rigid.

"Don't worry, I'm not about to jump if that's what you're worried about."

"I didn't think you were…are you all right?"

"Define all right," mumbled Rodney.

Carson sighed and came to stand beside his best friend, he was surprised by the man's appearance. Rodney looked pale, worn, his face long and drawn, exhaustion was etched under his eyes by the dark circles and bags which could easily be considered luggage.

"Does that haggard look come with the headache too?"

"Yeah," mumbled Rodney.

"Migraine?" Carson didn't need to ask, Rodney was susceptible to them when he didn't sleep or eat much, and from the looks he had done neither recently. "How bad?"

"Twelve," mumbled Rodney, knowing it was on a scale from one to ten."

"And you're out here because?"

"I had hoped the fresh air would help…I was wrong," he whispered. Carson felt his senses go up. Rodney wasn't one to admit he was wrong, and he certainly didn't admit pain when it was so bad.

For all the times Rodney complained and badgered Carson about illnesses and pain, Rodney was a tough as the rest of them if it was bad enough, he hated being sick and he hated admitting the problem almost just as much.

"Come on lad," whispered Carson as he gently led his best friend through the doors and back into Rodney's bedroom. "Lie down, and close your eyes."

"Leave me alone Carson," mumbled Rodney as he tried to roll away from his friend… friend, such an overrated word for people who constantly deserted him.

"I can't do that son…"

"Just leave me alone!" screamed Rodney, his scream suddenly turned into grimace as he squeezed his eyes closed against the nausea.

"When's the last time ya ate lad?"

Rodney remained silent, Carson reached out and brushed his hand against the scientist's warm forehead and sighed. Reaching out further he pulled the man's face towards him.

"I'm here Rodney," Carson said, as though that should be plenty for the scientist. Rodney searched the big blue eyes in front of him, if he believed the doctor he could get hurt again. He was tired of being ignored, of being forgotten.

"For how long?" he mumbled.

"Until you don't need a friend anymore…talk to me Rodney…"

"I'm a trend…one day he likes me another he doesn't. I'm his brother…"

"I know Rodney, John and I have already had several arguments about this…give it time lad, that's all you can do."

"I can't keep this up…"

"Keep what up?"

"I can't be his brother anymore…I can't stay here," he whispered.

"Whoa there laddie, what do you mean you can't stay here? Where else will ya go?"

"I spoke to Colonel Caldwell…he says he can take me home if I still wanna go."

"How long have you been thinking about this lad?"

"Few days…"

"Have you told Elizabeth or John this?"

"Should I?" he mumbled.

"Yes, and what about Lauryn?"

"She's better off with you or Teyla anyway."

"Damn it Rodney!" yelled Carson. "Ya made a mistake, we all know it, you screwed up, but ye ain't givin' up, ye've made mistakes before! Why does this one matter any more than all those other ones."

"It's not just that Carson…how can I stand here and pretend to be friends with people who…" he shrugged. "Nevermind, they've been doing it all my life anyway, why should Atlantis be any different."

"Rodney…" Carson looked at him, "you have to stay, because for everyone one who is angry at you right now, they'll realize it sooner or later, you're a good man. I can't let you do this Rodney, you've got nothing on earth, nothing compared to what you have here, we need you here. They don't see it right now, but we need you."

"Ca…"

"Rodney, stay please, for your daughter's sake. We all need you."

"Please, just leave me alone?"

"I can't do that son, and you know why…"

"Carson no one cares, they wouldn't miss me!"

"So what? What the hell do they know anyway, I'd miss you! Teyla would miss ya, Lauryn already misses you, Elizabeth would certainly come to her senses eventually, and believe it or not John loves you. Your all he has left in this life time, you are the only family he has left."

"I don't have any family left…"

"You've got me…"

"I'm starting to wish you really were my brother."

"I am Rodney, I have two brothers, a teenager one, and one a few months older than me, and you're him."

"I'll stay…at least for now."

"Good," Carson said smiling sadly.

It was amazing how quickly depression could set in, but for someone like Rodney, Carson had a sure feeling that the scientist had suffered from it years before. He watched the scientist withdraw from those around him. He watched as Rodney lost pound after pound. He watched the lines etched in his forehead.

What was worse, no one else but Carson and Teyla seemed to notice or care. Caldwell had left already; and Carson had the feeling Rodney was regretting his decision to stay on Atlantis. Carson was also fairly sure that the only thing Rodney still considered to be good in his life was Lauryn. Although she spent a good deal of time with Teyla now.

Rodney was so lost in his world, in a constant state of pain and fear. He was so caught up in the depression, and the thought that his brother didn't care anymore, that he couldn't see past the fog he had created, and no one cared to see in.

Teyla sighed, happy to see she had finally found him, he paused and smiled at her, "to what do I owe this little visit?" He said grinning as he removed his gloves.

"I have not seen you around much lately," she whispered simply.

"Well…you know hard at work, what's up?"

"I once knew a man…he lost his dearest friend…a brother in nearly every sense of the word. I watched this man begin to withdraw from everything, his life, his friends, his family…everything. I watched him fade away, a mere shell of the man he once was. When he finally died…some six months later, the healers said he died of a weak heart…but we all knew he really died of a broken heart."

"I'm not dying Teyla."

"No…perhaps not…but Rodney is. Slowly and painfully, just out of reach so no one else notices. We are losing him. We may have already lost him. John, I cannot condone what his recklessness, nor his mistakes. But I also do not condone your attitude towards him. He is your brother before he is a scientist, a doctor, an explorer or even a friend. Yet you seem lost on this fact. You have always supported him, he needs you…not Colonel Sheppard, not the solider; he needs his brother. You are no better than Rodney's true father if you continue to treat him like this. He will never make it back to earth at this rate."

"What do you mean?" John questioned suddenly.

"He packs as we speak, he feels unwelcome here."

John instantly turned from her and ran out of the room. He couldn't remember his legs ever carrying him so fast in his life as he suddenly smacked the panel on Rodney's door, opening it with a swoosh.

Blue eyes instantly turned to face him, and suddenly John understood what Teyla had said. He was gaunt, dark circles under his eyes, he looked terrible.

"Going somewhere?" John asked.

"Earth…"

"Wanna elaborate a little one that?"

"Not really…"

"Rodney stop for minute okay. What the hell are you really doing?" John asked, "you don't belong on earth, you belong here."

Rodney's laugh was full of bitterness and anger, "I don't belong anywhere. Nobody here wants me, not one on earth wants me. Maybe I should off myself and make everyone happy."

The words hit their mark, for both men. John stared into Rodney's eyes, praying for reassurance that he didn't mean it. But as he looked at the azure eyes he realized Rodney very well meant every word of that sentence. "Rodney…"

"What? Suddenly now you're so damned concerned! SO FUCKING WHAT?" Screamed Rodney, "why are you really here Colonel? To make a point, well good job you've made it."

"Rodney…"

"John, you've made it quite clear this friendship is over. It'll be much easier if I just leave."

"Rodney, come on, you can't be serious. Where the hell would you go? You're my friend…"

"Saying it won't make it true John," Rodney said sadly as he turned back to his clothes.

Suddenly John's arm shot out and he whirled his brother around to face him, "What do you want me to say? That I fucked up! Well fine Rodney! I FUCKED UP! But so did you!"

"Yeah, I thought you actually trusted me."

"You were out of hand, your decision may have killed hundreds of people!"

"It did kill! It killed one of my very own men! I have to live with that, just like every other death…do you realize how many we've lost. I'm not some poor heartless bastard!"

"I never said you did! Rodney, God Rodney…" John said suddenly as he slumped into the nearest chair, "when the hell did we get so way off track?" he mumbled.

"I don't know," whispered Rodney, although it was a lie, he knew exactly when they had gotten off track, he knew exactly when things had changed. It had been after Ford had disappeared, when John decided everyone needed to be kept at arms length.

"Rodney…sorry isn't gonna fix this…not for either one of us, but I really am sorry…because I also know you're really sorry…and I really do want to fix this. I kept everyone away as a friend to protect myself, I never realized how much I would be hurting anyone….I never thought…I was selfish, and for that I'm really sorry. Rodney, you cannot leave Atlantis, we need you around here. I'm not blind, this place runs so damn well because you truly understand everything. We'll fix this Rod, I promise."

"That's what they always say…"

"Rodney, I mean it…I honestly mean it, we will fix this…we're brothers not some strangers walking around here. Don't leave," it was a simple but firm request. Rodney looked into his brother's eyes, and saw what John truly meant, and what he really wanted.

"I'll stay," he whispered.

"Good…we've got a mission the day after tomorrow by the way."

"Great," mumbled Rodney smiling.

"We'll talk more later…"

"John," Rodney said suddenly before John walked out his door.

"Yeah?"

"I really am incredibly sorry…and I don't want to think that our friendship is over…that being your brother is over."

"Don't worry Rodney, we'll fix it, this all won't go away right now, but it will go away, I promise."