"I'm sorry Carson…" Doctor Wallace said.
"Please! Ye havta understand!" cried Carson as he gripped the sides of the bed again, another stab of pain ripping his body apart as he fought against the bindings.
"I'm sorry son, but y're lucky I didn't report this…you could lose your license for this…"
"I don't care," he sobbed as he tried to curl up into a ball against the waves of pain. He cried out again, as he felt his mentor's hand upon his shoulder.
"Yes you do Carson! You can get through this…you're strong lad!"
"NO!" Carson sat straight up in his bed, gasping for air. His blue eyes wildly looking around for something or someone. The room was empty, just him sitting in his sweaty bed. He brought up his bare knees to his chest, resting his elbows against them as he leaned his head into his hands, running his hand through his sweat soaked hair.
He shook his head, and quickly stepped out of the bed, and headed into the bathroom. He splashed some cool water on his face, and then peeked into the mirror over the sink, looking at the body that was staring back at him. Muscles had replaced some of his flab, he looked strong…much strong than the man he had dreamt about.
Reaching out he touched the image in the mirror, had it really been nearly twelve years ago since the works seven days of his life, the only seven days of his life he had wanted to be more unconscious than any moment in life.
Dressed in only in shorts he opened the door to his balcony and allowed the chilly Atlantis night air to cool his sweat covered body. Clearing his senses slightly, as he leaned against the railing and thought about that night twelve years ago.
He sighed, he was fairly sure that Rodney's run in with the Wraith enzyme a few months back had triggered these nightmares he'd been having for the past four months. He shook his head one last time before turning and heading back into his room. He glared at his clock for a moment, deciding he wasn't going to get any more sleep, it was already three in the morning, his shift started in two hours, might as well get a head start on it.
He headed into the shower, allowing the warm water to run down his bare back, as he pressed his head against the wall of the stall. Shoving all other thoughts from his mind, Carson tried to focus on the day at hand.
Twenty minutes later he was showered, shaved and dressed; he made his way tiredly to the mess hall for come coffee before heading off to the infirmary where another day would begin for him, another day like all the previous ones, that reminded him harshly of his past.
He was fairly sure Elizabeth had been the only person to know of what had happened in the past; however she had never said anything to him about it. Instead she gave all of her faith and trust to him. In fact that's what everyone had been doing for these past twelve years, giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Carson pulled his lab coat on as he stepped into his larger office and smiled slightly, he'd always been careful, every injury he gave them the least amount of pain medication needed and decreased it daily until he had them on something non-harmful. If only someone had cared enough about him to watch that so closely. He didn't really blame anyone but himself for his problems, but still…it was a darker past than anyone expected from their warm and friendly Scotsman.
The day began with a bang when a large explosion rocked the labs of Atlantis, by noon there were fifteen injured scientists in the infirmary, ranging from superficial scrapes, burns and bruises to severe burns, concussions, broken bones, inhalation of gases…luckily this wasn't one of the times they landed of a death.
"I need an IV! Someone get me some O neg blood!" called Carson as he looked back over his shoulder to see his people struggling to keep up with him.
His team was the best, but this wasn't going to be an easy situation to manage, not by a long shot.
"Carson…" Rodney began as he tried to move over to the Physician; however one of the nurses quickly grabbed his arm, eliciting a hiss of pain from his injured shoulder.
"Rodney, I do'ne have time, if ye want me to save Smithson, then ye need to leave me be!" Carson returned, he turned his head, casting a single glance at his best friend, he knew Rodney would understand on some level.
Rodney and Radek were the first to report to the scene, unfortunately not in time to avoid injuries, however as many, there's were superficial. For the next two hours, Rodney remained underfoot of Carson checking one every single one of his people.
It was at that moment, that most of Atlantis realized how deeply Rodney did care for his people, he remained by several scientist's sides as they were stitched up or fixed up, he had Radek or other members of his team walk them back to their rooms with the direction to call if they felt any worse. He even sat with a couple of the patients.
However it was with Smithson that Carson knew would cause the problem…A twenty four year old brand spankin' new transfer right out of some highly acclaimed academy in New England, Rodney joked the week the kid arrived that he was barely out of diapers compared to a few of the almost forty year olds. However, in private, Rodney was impressed every moment by Smithson.
To say Smithson was smart was putting it lightly, the way Rodney had originally spoke about the younger man, Carson had thought the boy was the next Albert Einstein. He was the Rodney McKay of his graduating class. Carson had no doubt that Smithson would have gone places…if he'd been given the chance.
Rodney had put him on a rather complex task a week ago, giving Smithson a short lecture on how to handle the scientists that Rodney had put beneath him, and from there he'd let the boy be…which for Rodney was immensely unusual.
Smithson had been the closest to the explosion he'd been severely burned on his face, neck and torso, and his knee cap had been completely shattered; from whatever they were working on when it fell on top of him. It was an injury that once stabilized further, would get him discharged back to Earth. Carson had instantly called out the words before even realizing it, "Morphine!" he called for the drug, the strongest pain killer there was and as he injected the first round, he dreaded what would follow. How much would it take to kill his next heavy bout of pain, and what about all of it after that…how many hours before he was addicted to the pain killer, before his body was shaken by seizures and fever?
No one had questioned his order, in fact most probably thought it was out of mercy, but Carson knew the truth. It would be far more merciful to kill the patient then start him on a drug that would bring him to his knees later.
They had kept Smithson considerably sedated for the next several days, but by the fourth or fifth day he was wide awake and begging for pain killers. Rodney spent a good deal of time with his youngest scientist, and he would constantly reassure Smithson that he was doing great.
Carson knew otherwise, Smithson was anything but bad, while he was sure the young man's pain was true he was also sure the pain wasn't just from the injuries he had sustained. Carson knew that he'd have to break it to Smithson that evening that he'd have to be sent back to the states and go through several more surgeries on his knee to ever be able to walk again.
"Doctor Beckett, can…can you give me something for the pain?" the twenty-four year old scientist begged.
Carson felt like he was staring himself in the face all over again, he remembered the same words coming from his own mouth twelve years ago, barely older than Smithson, "I'm sorry lad, the pain will ease, I promise ye," Carson lied, but the pain wouldn't go away not for a very long time…and years later Smithson would still suffer from the withdrawal he was already starting to suffer from.
"You're sending me home aren't you?" the young man whispered.
"Aye lad, I have to…we can't care for your injuries here like they can back in the states…maybe one day ye can come…"
"Oh who are you tryin' to kid doc? Cried the younger man. "They're going to stick me in some damn lab back home where I'll make half the money and talk to no one!"
"Son…"
"No, just don't…"
Carson nodded, gently patting the boy on his shoulder; he turned and left the infirmary.
"Carson…is this about your past?" Elizabeth asked as she looked seriously at her head doctor.
"There's more to it than just that, but aye. I didn't make a rational choice Elizabeth...I saw his pain and remembered mine…and I took that instant to get rid of his pain."
"Well…obviously you know the answer is no…I'm not letting you leave…Carson…tell me the truth. Tell me what happened twelve years ago."
"Y're serious?" Carson asked looking at her as though her head had fallen off and hit the floor rolling.
"Yes, I'm serious, you're safe here Carson, I'm not going to judge you. However, I think it's important for you to tell someone what really happened. I'm here, I want to listen, and I feel it's important to keeping you on Atlantis."
"I can't…"
"Carson…I'm not asking," she stated softly looking him straight in the eyes.
"Aye…I didn't imagine ye were…It was twelve years ago…I was twenty-five…"
"Mum, I'm home!" called Carson Beckett as he moved into the small house that he had spent most of his life time growing up in. He didn't doubt that wee sister was still off at school, Maggie Beckett descended the stairs with a soft smile on her face, in her arms she held her youngest charge, Andrew Beckett, adopted two months ago just before his first birthday by the Beckett family.
"Hullo little man," Carson grinned as he pressed a kiss to his wee brother's forehead.
Many people wondered if it was weird for Carson to have a baby brother only a year old at twenty-five, but for Carson it was perfectly normal. His wee sister had been adopted when he was fifteen…Maggie was the type of woman who loved everyone and wanted everyone to have a good home and a happy life. She'd always wanted three children, when she had her little Carson she'd been elated, five years later she'd had a second son, named Peter, who had died shortly before his fourth birthday. It had broken Maggie's heart, so she decided to make other children's lives happy by adopting.
"How was class lamb?" Maggie asked as she passed off the gurgling infant to Carson before she headed into the kitchen.
"Class went well…mum, are ye comin' to my came tonight?" Carson asked, feeling like he was back in high school. He stepped into the kitchen, watching his mother begin dinner.
"Of course lad, I would'ne miss it for the world," she replied as she pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"My mother was a sweet thing…ye see back then I played football…well what the American's call Soccer, but still…anyway…I played for my college team, it was my last year playing, there was discussion on us going to the Olympics and eveythin'…we'd beat every team from one side of Scotland to the next…we even started trainin' incase they did take us to the Olympics…"
"What happened?"
"Scotland isn't a terribly raining place, sometimes it rains sometimes it doesn't…we tend to have seasons where y'er more likely to get rain…but we weren't in a season of rain. Anyway it rained for the next few hours before the game…but we did'ne call it…we wanted to play, so we did. It was a mess, we'd only played a few games in the rain…we'd always won, but still it wasn't easy. The field was muddy, the grass was slick with rain and mud, our cleats were caked with it…"
"What happened?" Elizabeth asked her attention stuck on her best physician.
"We got through the first half of the game without a problem…we went into the second half with more energy than I can ever remember. We already had a huge lead…I was goalie…and had been for every game the past four seasons…It was the last goal of the game…naturally since nothing big ever happens in between," Carson chuckled softly. One of the players, a friend of mine actually that I would be attending medical school with in the fall came barreling down the field towards me; so naturally I prepared to stop the ball, it wasn't a winning point, they couldn't have beaten us…but still…I didn't want this one to get by me…so I did'ne…He kicked the ball right at my chest…it hit me square, and I stopped it, but it stunned me for a moment…just enough time that I didn't notice his sudden inability to put the brakes on. He slipped, just in time for his spikes to hit me in the calf, taking me down with him. It was a mess, two broken bodies lying half on top of each other, I was bleeding, and I'd torn my ACL, Kevin, my friend broke his leg when it twisted under mind."
"I'm sorry," whispered Elizabeth.
"It's not y're fault…They rushed us both to the hospital…I don't know what happened to Kevin…I never saw him after that…all I know is they gave me that first some what hefty dose of morphine…I understood how you could get hooked Elizabeth…I really did. I went through three surgeries to repair the damage done to my left leg. The doctors said if I worked hard and trained hard I could walk normally again…so I did…but what they didn't know was they began a terrible cycle that lasted for almost two years…they attempted to bring me off the morphine…I wasn't havin' it…I took the pain medication they gave me for a month…when I suffered the beginning stages of withdrawal and decided I didn't like that idea…so instead I started prescribing it for myself…fording my doctors signatures…I even stole it a couple times. I've never been so desperate in my entire life."
"Carson that's not your fault, well…okay the stealing thing is…so are the forgeries…but I'm not holding anything against you…you've changed Carson."
"Aye, perhaps, but what have I done to Smithson?"
"He'll be fine; I have faith in him…just like I have faith in you…"
"So you're not letting me leave?" mumbled Carson.
"No, sorry I'm not…now finish, I'm still interested," she said smiling softly.
"A friend of mine…a Resident at the hospital I was training at…yelled at me…By the time he was finished with me…not only did he have me convinced that I needed to get off the stuff, but he had me convinced that I needed to be off of it by the next week…"
"What did he do?" Elizabeth questioned.
"He threatened to tell the board about it. In Medical school we have these boards, they watch your progress…and they make sure you're doing well. If he told the board what I had done…I would have either been kicked out of school or been put on probation and forced into a medical facility. So…instead the doctor that he was…he took me into his home…for one week and three days…he detoxicated me."
"Wow…" Elizabeth whispered. She had heard stories about morphine withdrawal; the rumor was it was equal to that of cocaine. She looked into the sullen blue eyes and smiled sadly, "for what it's worth I'm really glad you quit and that you're better now," she offered as moved around the desk to sit beside him and reached out squeezing his hand.
"Aye…there were days when I hated him…"
"I'm sorry Carson…" Doctor Wallace said.
"Please! Ye havta understand!" cried Carson as he gripped the sides of the bed again, another stab of pain ripping his body apart as he fought against the bindings.
"I'm sorry son, but y're lucky I didn't report this…you could lose your license for this…"
"I don't care," he sobbed as he tried to curl up into a ball against the waves of pain. He cried out again, as he felt his mentor's hand upon his shoulder.
"Yes you do Carson! You can get through this…you're strong lad!"
"No…ye do'ne understand! It hurts! Please!" cried the intern as he screamed out, another tidal wave crashing upon him.
"You're going to get through this Carson! You're going to be stronger because of it!"
The days consisted of drifting in and out of consciousness for Carson, when he was lucid he was either full of pain and crying out for help, for someone to comfort him, or he was trying to piece back the life he had created for himself.
By the eighth day, Carson was sitting up in bed, dark black circles under his eyes, ten pounds lighter than when he'd been taken to the house to detox, pasty white, his hair was matted with sweat, his breathing had finally come back to a normal rate.
Dr. Wallace came into the room and smiled at the intern, "Ye've made it lad…ye're going to be fine," the doctor spoke as he sat down beside Carson on the bed.
Carson shook his head, "I can't…I'm quitting medical school sir," Carson whispered.
Dr. Wallace studied the younger man for a moment, he'd spent the past two years by this boy's side, teaching him everything he knew. It was his intention to make Carson one of the best surgeons and genetic experts in Scotland, to turn over his duties to the boy as soon as he was finished with his internship.
"I can't let you do that Carson…"
"Can't let me! Where were you three days ago when I was screaming for help?"
"Carson…listen to me, you're not a quitter…above all else that was the first thing I really noticed and understood about you. You're going to stay in med school; you're going to graduate with honors, like you've planned all your life. Don't do this to yourself; don't feel guilty for a mistake."
"What will my patients think? What about the respect I've earned from other people?"
"Your patients don't have to know, if you chose to tell them that's your business, but you don't have to. If anything this will make you understand your patients better. As for the respect you've earned, people are going to respect you more because you stepped up and changed what was happening…you didn't allow it to consume you…"
"I didn't allow it to consume me! What do you think the past two years has been?"
"Carson, I've seen far worse addictions last for far longer periods of time. You'll be fine lad, ye've just gotta pick y'er self up off the ground, control your desires, and keep moving forward. Ye can't feel sorry for ye're self, ye can't afford it. Ye've got time to make this up, now ye just have to do it," Dr. Wallace offered as he squeezed the younger man's hand.
"He was right Carson, I can't afford to lose you because of self doubts, and you're going to pull through this, I promise you that much. I'll help you, you can talk to Dr. Heightmeyer about it, but Carson I agree, this doesn't have to be known by anyone you don't want to know about it. You got past it, don't let it come back and hurt you…I can't lose you," she whispered as she pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"Ye're sure you aren't gonna let me go?" he asked softly.
"Oh trust me Carson, I'm positive, Rodney would never forgive me if I got rid of the only man who cares what happens to him medically…and emotionally…oh and according to him, mentally too," she said grinning at her best friend, "Rodney cares about you, and I know you care about him too…you can't leave him, not when he's finally let one of about three people through that hardened shell he created."
"Aye ye're right…he'd never forgive me the poor lad," offered Carson.
"Yeah…I kind of figured I was right…so, would you like to join me for lunch?"
"Aye," he nodded.
It was a month and three days before Smithson was stable enough to discharge back to a hospital on earth in the states. He looked up from his bed to Carson the morning they were going to transfer him.
"I'm sorry for what I said to you," muttered Smithson, "Look Doc, I'm just scared…I've never had an injury this…" he shrugged, at a loss for words, "I don't suddenly know what to do with myself…what if I can't come back here?"
"You were lucky, the only third degree burns were on your torso…I know it doesn't feel lucky, but the skill will regenerate before you know it…your face and neck weren't too bad…you'll be back to pretty boy soon…listen to me Greg, you're young and strong, if you want this to debilitate you then it will, you'll never come back here if you let it take you down. But I'm telling you now…this doesn't have to take you out forever, you can come back here…in another year or two you'll be back on your feet before you know it. I also know for a fact that Rodney will take you back in a heartbeat if you'd like."
"I'd like that Doc…"
"It's a long and hard road, between your knee and burns…not to mention pain medication withdrawal…but they're going to help you. You'll have the best doctors in the world working on you and with you everyday."
"What if Dr. McKay doesn't want someone like me back?"
"Someone who might be addicted to Morphine by the time this is all over? First off, you're not going to be addicted; the doctors will give you a very strong medication that will deaden the pain without getting you addicted. Second off, you forget, McKay has been in that position, Rodney will know where you're coming from lad, I promise ye."
"Thanks Doctor Beckett," the kid whispered sticking out his hand.
Carson grinned and easily shook the hand, "you have great potential, and don't let anyone steal that away."
Rodney eyed his chess partner carefully as he moved his black knight across the board, "you know…I'm not going to think less of you for telling me the truth…"
"No clue what ye're talkin' about lad…" Carson said his eyes still intent on the board.
"I saw the resignation papers on Elizabeth's desk…"
That got Carson's attention, his blue eyes shot up to meet Rodney's. They softened after a moment and he shrugged, "ye have nothin' to worry 'bout lad, she turned me down…said my reason wasn't good enough."
"That's Liz for you…anyway…she didn't tell me anything, but based off what I've seen this past month…as well as what I vaguely remember from screaming 'you don't know what it's like' during my withdrawal…I just want you to know…I'm not going to think any less of you. Not that you have to tell me…but still I won't."
Carson smiled at his best friend as he swapped the scientist's queen, "Ye're not on very good defense tonight lad…" he paused, letting the words hang in the air for a moment before he nodded, "Thank ye Rodney, that means a lot…I can't tell you…at least not now…perhaps someday I'll tell you what happened."
"That's fine…just remember if you need somethin' or even someone to talk to…I'm here."
"Aye…so I've been told, thanks Rodney."
The two shared a quick smile before facing their pieces again, each lost in their own thoughts. Carson smiled, Rodney was indeed his best friend, and he'd never had another like him. Every once in awhile, the scientist would pull something unexpected on his fellow teammates, but to Carson, he was never truly surprised anymore. He knew that he'd be okay, with the help of his friends, he'd be fine.