Chapter 27: Cry
One morning, Ryoma woke up at eight thirty. He stretched his arms and proceeded to take a bath in his small bathroom. After that, he made himself a cup of coffee and heated up some leftovers in his microwave.
He stared at the dry food inside the machine as it slowly spins around. He wondered how many days it must have been sitting in the fridge.
Maybe I should learn how to cook.
Thinking that he could never hold a knife without killing himself or the person he's cooking for, Ryoma shrugged and set up his dining table.
While eating, he stared at the trees and flowers through his window. Somehow, he felt comforted whenever he saw the rural features of Lao Gou.
For months, he had a simple routine to help him get ready for the day. Even though he really had nothing much on his to-do list, Ryoma still went out and roamed around the countryside for some fresh air. He wore his usual black cap and sunglasses even though no one recognizes his true identity. He was used to hiding his face because of his life as a famous athlete.
But now that he's a hundred miles away from the past Ryoma, he was looking forward to discovering more of himself.
That day, he was invited again to hang out with his friends since they all had nothing to do. Ryoma doesn't really ask what they did for a living, he just assumed that they're a group of out-of-school youth like him.
He approached the noodle shop and immediately saw Anran, Tujun, and Jiao sitting on one of the tables, drinking Bubble tea.
"Hey, Ryoma-ge. You're late, as usual," Tujun, a tall and handsome looking guy, said.
"Yeah, we just finished eating," Jiao said. She's a petite girl with short hair. She's also kind of a tomboy, he thought.
"Don't worry. You can eat while we talk about stuff," Anran, the kindest among them, disappeared into the kitchen to get some food for Ryoma. She's a beautiful girl with long, black hair that reached her waist. She is always seen wearing a simple dress.
"Thanks," Ryoma muttered.
That was his current circle of friends. Even though he's the oldest and they kept calling him bro, he just felt like they're the same age. During the three months that he was staying in Lao Gou, Ryoma was enjoying the three's company. He even forgot that he was once famous all over the world.
He felt like an ordinary person with them, and it seemed like he never wanted to leave anymore.
"So, what are we going to do today?" Tujun asked.
"Um, I don't know…" Jiao said.
Silence engulfed them. Suddenly, as boredom struck the group, they realized how aimless they had been living. No school, no work, no dreams.
"What have we been doing? We're almost adults and yet, we don't know what our dreams are!"
"Yeah. Every day we just eat, laugh, and sleep!"
Ryoma stared at them. He never realized how carefree the three were. They were not like his friends from Japan. Horio and the others talked about their dreams with clear vision. But Jiao and the others didn't seem too eager to do something with their lives.
Ryoma realized how similar he is to them.
If he wasn't too passionate about tennis, he couldn't imagine any other profession he could be doing. If he thinks about his hobby, he would only think of tennis. He does enjoy the occasional videogame but that wasn't an active lifestyle that he was used to.
And knowing how behind Lao Gou is by modernization, Ryoma doubts that they enjoy computer games either.
What about their dreams? The four friends thought hard about how to discover their passion within themselves.
"Why don't we try different things to try to feel if we like doing it? I mean, we didn't feel the need to go to college because of our parents. But now… I feel like I want to have a career of my own," Jiao suggested.
"That could work, but that's a lot of work," Tujun answered.
"Yeah, but it could change our course in life if we find that calling, if we find our passion. What do you think, Ryoma-ge?" Anran said.
"I think so, too. Why don't we give it a try?"
The three nodded in unison and flashed a smile on their faces. That morning, they decided to sign up for different kinds of jobs and decide by the end of the day if they found their dream or not.
First, they tried to cook noodles in Anran's dad's shop. Of course, only the daughter managed to do it since she's set to inherit the business. But still, he wanted to do something else like a backup plan. Meanwhile, Tujun and the others only made barely edible food.
Next one was to fix a car. Being the oldest among them, Ryoma was the first to try. At the start, he was doing well, replacing the bulb lights and the oil. But he felt like it was too much for him if he chose to do it every day for the rest of his life. He was simply not built for it.
That whole trial took a huge chunk of their day and before they knew it, the sun had set, and the sky was dark.
The group decided to rest tonight and try again tomorrow. Since the vulcanizing shop was far away from their houses, Tujun suggested that they just spend the night in Ryoma's apartment since it's only walking distance. The prince didn't care much since he thought he could make Tujun clean the place while they're at it.
The group ordered some dinner and drinks. As they ate, they shared weird and funny stories with each other to try to entertain themselves.
"The worst story gets the last piece of chocolate," Tujun declared. That was the game that they do whenever they bond over alcohol. It was the first time that they'd be doing it with Ryoma so they were hoping that he wouldn't be a party pooper on this.
Ryoma learned that Tujun was some poor boy whose father died in an accident. Even though his mother offered to take him in, Tujun stood firm to his decision that he can manage on his own. That was also the reason why he realized how important it is to have a future.
Jiao shared that because of her boyish nature, people often don't take her seriously. They treat her like a boy, and she was beginning to think that she's growing a man's genitals. Then Anran shared that her mother left them for another man and since then, she never had a woman's guidance in her life. For a long time, she relied on Jiao's mother.
Ryoma felt a bit sorry for all of them, and it was a sign that he's starting to care for them even if he only knew them for a few months. His time in China was really eye opening and he was glad that he stayed. He had the chance to know such people.
He drinks his third can of beer.
"What about you?" Jiao turned her head to him as she chugs her drink. They were starting to feel drunk as the night went on.
"Me?"
"Are you too drunk to forget that you're here with us?"
"Yeah, Ryoma-ge. I mean, we don't know much about you. You just suddenly appeared in our town," Anran said.
"Oh," Ryoma didn't know that they were curious about his past. He wanted to open up since his therapist advised him to, but how would he tell his story without it sounding too dramatic?
He thought that he might as well take advantage of his drunken state and tell them straight. Also, he wanted the last chocolate.
He cleared his throat and began.
"Ever since I was little, my future has been planned and the more I try to reach it, the more I worry if I will be happy. Then, I spent a year in therapy because of some unfortunate events which I won't disclose if you don't mind," he sighed before finishing his third can. Then, he grabbed a new one from the fridge.
The three friends looked at each other curiously. It's hard to imagine the stoic and silent Ryoma having some problems inside, and they wondered what he used to do back in Japan and what caused him to turn to therapy.
"Nice try but I think Jiao has had it worse," Tujun smirked and handed the small chocolate to his boyish friend.
"Then let's try harder tomorrow and find what makes our minds active and our hearts thirsty for success!" Jiao raised her drink and gestured for a toast.
After twenty cans of beer, the four friends are now hammered. Tujun has been singing his favorite song beside Jiao, and the girl happily sings along to Village Fools.
By now you are worried that you're lost inside your head
By now you're thinking that your thoughts may disappear
Why do you ponder
Just crawl inside your bed
And sleep till the morning love
Let go of your fear
Ryoma tried to hide his laughter, but a little sound came out. Tujun's voice was terrible, and Jiao only made it even more hilarious whenever she adlibs.
"You're all idiots," he said between laughs.
Anran covered her mouth because she can't control her laughter as well. She just hoped that Ryoma's neighbors wouldn't report him to the landlord.
In their eyes
We're the village fools
You waste your life spending hours every day
Finding solutions while retracing every step
Waiting for someone to guide your way
Blinding illusions of what comes next
As the two continued to sing their hearts out, Ryoma was now laughing loudly with Anran. He never heard himself laugh before, and it was surreal. With every passing moment, he discovers a new side of him that never showed up before. Ryoma was bewildered at how different he was from before.
"Ryoma-ge, how was your life in the past?" Anran asked.
He glanced at the girl and observed her red face. She was obviously as drunk as them.
"It was nice," He put his feet up on the coffee table and wiggled his toes, "but I'm happier now."
"S-So, you'll stay here forever?"
"Hmm… I don't know."
"Did you have someone back home?"
Ryoma blinked. Suddenly, he couldn't think of anything to say. Only the image of a woman entered his mind. He shook his head to reset his mind. His therapist advised him to only think of good things and focus on his own path.
"I did, but that was a long time ago. I like it here," he answered.
Anran felt the heavy weight from her stomach lifted. She knew that a wanderer like Ryoma would leave sooner or later but she secretly hoped that he would stay with them. He has become a valuable friend these past three months, and she couldn't imagine life without him again. Obviously, she was aware that she has a crush on him but hearing him answer that he had a girlfriend sent a pang on her chest.
"What was she like?"
Ryoma sensed that she was growing curious, and he was beginning to feel uncomfortable with every passing hour that he needed her to stop, or he would have another anxiety attack.
"Sorry, can we talk about something else?" His mood was declining, and he feared that he would ruin the good vibes, so he forced a smile at Anran to let her know that it was okay.
The girl, on the other hand, got the message. She knew that Ryoma spent time with therapy for a reason. He hides a dark past that was too dangerous to talk about, and she won't pry anymore.
"Ryoma-ge, why are you so good at speaking our language?" Tujun asked.
"I studied it in high school," he answered.
"Ryoma-ge, you have big feet," Jiao suddenly said, and she smiled at him knowingly, while Tujun and Anran snickered.
"What of it?" he asked.
"You know what they say about men with big feet," she laughed out loud with Tujun who knew well what she meant. Jiao has always been flirty around her friends. But Ryoma didn't get the joke. He scratched his head as he stared at the three happy people.
Whatever. He smiled.
That night, they all fell asleep in his living room. Tujun and Jiao were scattered on the carpet, and Ryoma was lying down on his treadmill again.
Meanwhile, Anran was wide awake. He kept on staring at the can of Ponta in the cupboard. It has a sticky note on it and she tried her best to read it. But unfortunately, she couldn't read Nihongo, so she left it at that. The open door of his bedroom caught her attention. She glanced at Ryoma to check if he was still asleep before she silently went inside.
She saw that the bed had not been used for a long time, his books were neatly organized by the desk, too. She looked at the covers and saw that it was about tennis. Anran wonders if he was trying to learn how to play the sport.
Then, she found a few awards and trophies on his desk, and the largest one had English words embossed on its gold plate. Good thing she understood the language.
Champion, Rio Open
Anran noted that it was dated two years ago, which meant that Ryoma had just won a major tournament just two years prior.
What kind of tournament was it?
She was growing more curious as she looked around.
When Anran turned around, Ryoma's phone rested on his nightstand, collecting dust. Anran inspected the gadget. It was the first time she saw an actual phone since their town never felt the need to use gadgets. She tried to push the button on the side and the screen lit up. She was a bit surprised but then a picture of a girl showed up.
She observed the girl's adorable appearance. Anran wonders if the girl in the picture was Ryoma's ex-girlfriend. Looking at her face, Anran thought that she was very beautiful.
Suddenly, someone was calling his phone. It was on silent mode so there was no sound, but Anran was frantically thinking of what to do with it. She silently panicked, almost dropping the phone in the process. Then, after a few seconds, she managed to tap the red button. She chose the red one because red always means stop in stop lights.
"Whew!" she exhaled deeply. She returned the phone to its original place and tiptoed out of the room.
Somewhere in Kyoto, Sakuno's eyes were as wide as a deer. She hadn't expected her call to be dismissed. Normally, when she calls, it wouldn't ring at all. But that night, Sakuno's heart pounded as the other line rang. She waited patiently for someone to answer, all the while practicing what she should say in her mind.
But he rejected it.
"Ryoma-kun's phone is on…" she mumbled. Sakuno couldn't believe that after two years of trying to contact him, she finally got connected to his number! Sakuno could not contain the joy she felt that she chuckled in her bed as she hugged her phone.
Suddenly, she was full of hope again. Even though he didn't answer her call, she was still glad to know that he's somewhere. She decided not to try calling again, he might not be up for it. So, Sakuno decided to send a message to him so he would know that she's still waiting for him after all those years of hiding, because even after two years, Sakuno was still in love with him.
The next morning, Tujun decided to try sports, because being an athlete is another way to earn big bucks.
"It's not all sunshine," Ryoma commented.
"How would you know?" Tujun asked bitterly. He has the build and reflexes for it so naturally, it's the ideal path for a career.
"Just a guess," he said before turning away. Anran looked at Ryoma curiously, remembering all the things she saw in his room last night. She was not so quick on the uptake, but she had the feeling that his past may have something to do with the tennis books he had.
So, they all tried to play basketball but as they had expected, none of them were sporty enough to score some baskets. Even Ryoma, who thought that he would be able to do it, failed miserably.
"I can't play anymore…" Anran sat on the ground while she caught her breath. Jiao had surrendered long ago and was now eating by the bench.
Since basketball was quite a hardcore level, Tujun decided to try the easiest: Badminton.
"Do you play, Ryoma-ge?" he asked as he examined the shuttlecock.
"Not much, but I know the rules," he joined Tujun on the court and held his own racket. Tujun smirked and they began their match.
Anran and Jiao ate their ice cream while watching Tujun get beaten by Ryoma. He noted how his accuracy never dropped and every shot he made has successfully fallen in his blind spot.
"Wow, you really know what you're doing!" Tujun exclaimed excitedly.
"Okay, I think Ryoma can be an athlete, whereas Tujun is a hopeless case," Jiao said. Tujun scoffed at her while he chewed on his sandwich.
Meanwhile, Ryoma sat on the other bench alone, not even the slightest happy with his small victory. He wondered if playing those kinds of sports were really all he could do in his life. He failed cooking, fixing cars, basketball, and everything else.
He grew frustrated with himself. He traveled the world for almost two years but until now, he had no results of knowing what to do with his life. He's already twenty, damn it. How many more years would it take before he actually feels good about himself? At this age, he was already having a quarterlife crisis and it's making his mind uneasy. They say life doesn't start until you're twenty-five, or something like that. Does it mean that he still needs to wait five more years to realize what he wanted to do?
Had he made the wrong decision and trusted his therapist? Had he just wasted time and money for nothing?
He rubbed his temples as throbbing sensations tortured his brain. He knew he's about to have one of those breakdowns, so he needed to get away from them now.
"Guys, I think I'll go home now. I'll see you tomorrow," he waved a hand and walked away, ignoring the three people's calls for him.
"What's wrong with him?" Tujun asked.
"Maybe he's tired," Jiao said.
Anran sighed, wondering what had gotten into Ryoma that spoiled his mood all of a sudden.
Ryoma sat on the sofa as he stared out the window. He thought about the sensation he felt when he was playing badminton with Tujun. Of course, it's different from tennis, but it also is very similar to each other. As soon as he hit the shuttlecock with the racket, his mind turned off and his body moved on its own, it seemed like his body had memorized every move and it predicted where the shuttlecock would fall. He couldn't deny that tennis is engraved into his mind and body that after all these years of abandoning the sport, he didn't even miss a beat when it came to hitting the ball to where it is supposed to land at.
He was not happy at all. Because of tennis, his heart and mind grew tired, and it was the reason he was unwell to this day. So, thinking that letting go of it was the only option, he eventually did. All his life, going pro was the only thing he could see in the finish line. But the hurdles he faced on the way to his dream, his father's dream, had destroyed his motivation, and drowned his heart to depression.
In exchange for the success in his tennis career, Ryoma's life was thrown into a world of packed schedules of interviews, paparazzi, and scandals. He unwillingly dealt with all of it while trying to make his life bearable. Being the way he is, with people fawning over him, he couldn't control how the people around him would be affected, especially Sakuno.
During that point, he began to hate himself. Everything he does only made her life miserable and seeing her suffer made him feel worse. There came a point where he just wanted to disappear, that was why he ran away from everyone.
Ryoma recalled his conversation with his therapist.
"Give yourself permission to leave situations and take a breather. Go anywhere you want, Ryoma. Find what makes you smile."
Ryoma, aged eighteen, laid on the sofa with his arm covering his eyes. The therapist, Miss Mao, was not so brave to point out that there was a tear that rolled down his cheek during their last session. The brat would throw a tantrum again and she didn't want to risk having to cut their time short.
He sighed, stifling a sob. Ryoma's chest tightened, as if a bomb of emotions wanted to burst out of it any moment now. He told Miss Mao a bit of his life story since she swore that everything, they talked about here was confidential and that it would remain a secret between the two of them.
He talked about how tennis was the foundation of his whole being, and it was just impossible to erase it from his life. But it was also the magnet to all of his bad luck. He asked for help on how he can make tennis co-exist with everything else in his life, because at that point, he was out of options, and Miss Mao knew that if a person felt helpless, something dangerous could happen and that was the one thing she needed to prevent.
"Have you been sleeping well?"
"No, I can't."
"How long have you been up every night?"
"Sometimes until dawn."
Miss Mao noted on her notepad that Ryoma might also be suffering from insomnia.
"Ryoma, if anxiety keeps you up at night, get out of bed so you don't come to associate those feelings with a space meant for sleep."
"Uh-huh," he removed his arm from his eyes, revealing red orbs. He stared straight to the ceiling as if there was something interesting there.
"Give yourself enough time to feel worried or be anxious with everything. Cry if you must, then force yourself to move on."
Ryoma listened carefully. Miss Mao was making great sense to him, and it would be a good idea to try those things.
"Travel, Ryoma. Broaden your horizon. You've been boxed in a world where you were taught that you only need your skills to survive. But to survive in our world, you also need to learn new things, to meet new people, to find a new place where you can unleash a new version of yourself."
Miss Mao offered a warm smile to Ryoma. He turned his gaze to her; another tear fell from his eye.
"If tennis is stopping you from living, then you can let go of it for a while, rediscover yourself, and when you're ready, come back to us. I know how much you actually love it even if you told me, you've had enough. That's why you need to leave, and if you still think about tennis, then it means that you were meant to do this."
He felt his lips slowly smiling. It was indeed a good idea to see the world even if he does it alone. It would do him good to create a new Ryoma, and he's going to do it right away.
'Thanks, Miss Mao," Ryoma sat up and was ready to leave when the older woman spoke again.
"Ryoma, dear. I hope you believe that you can still make a beautiful life for yourself even if you lost many years of it to grief, or darkness, or a wound that wouldn't close."
Miss Mao stared at his tired eyes, trying to read Ryoma's thoughts for the last time. During the numerous sessions they had in a year, she had grasped the boy's nature and how he was feeling with his problems. If she could only decide, Miss Mao would want to keep talking with him and help him all the way. But unfortunately, it was now up to him on how he would approach change.
Ryoma smiled at her for the first time. Miss Mao was surprised that the boy can actually pull that kind of face, but it was the most beautiful view she had seen of him, and she was confident that Ryoma would prevail from the darkness in his heart.
To be continued.