"Prep for entry into the Hive," the head merc announced as Alice quickly made her way back to the bedroom. She nodded in appreciation — honey was delicious, and this tacticool approach to beekeeping was a lot cooler than those dorky beekeeper outfits. Wait, SHE didn't have any beekeeper gear, tacticool or otherwise. Maybe… maybe she had some where the bees were at? Not too close, hopefully.

Her thoughts quickly returned to the hot merc gal. "Gonna prep for entry into HER hive," Alice muttered, quickly throwing on a pair of skivvies, sliding the dress on, and double-timing it back to the group. "Don't even know why I bothered getting dressed, I'll be stripping it again in, like, five seconds once I go up to her and announce tru luv." She stopped short upon reaching the main hallway and finding them all going into a SECRET FUCKING DOOR. "Oh shit, no way, I live in the fucking Clue mansion!" she gushed, rushing to rejoin the group and see what cool shit lurked in the walls of her house.

The secret door clanked shut behind her and she stared at the well-lit, clean, concrete staircase. "Wait, this isn't the Clue mansion, this is, like, a secret villain lair or something," she said. Matt gave her an incomprehensible look, while the mercs ignored her rambling. At the bottom of the staircase a number of crates and barrels were stacked, some of them wrapped in plastic. "Oh, no, this is a video game level," Alice said, shaking her head. "Hey guys, remember, red barrels explode when you shoot them! Wait until a cluster of enemies is standing close to one to maximize your score!" Again, the mercs ignored her. Alice's eyes lit up when she saw the big-ass train just a little ways beyond the supplies. "Oh shit yes! Merry Christmas, motherfuckers, we're going on the Polar Express!"

The head merc whipped around and leveled a finger at her. "Control your outbursts, soldier. We're walking into a potentially lethal situation, and any distractions could cost lives." Alice's eyes widened and she made a zip-my-lips motion, earning a nod from the head merc before he turned back to the train. Alice quickly unzipped her lips and stuck out her tongue at him, but resolved to try to behave. A little.

She watched one of the mercs sync his watch to a digital clock that was counting down from two hours and forty-eight minutes, and almost made a remark about Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve show, before remembering her promise. They all proceeded to file aboard the choo-choo. "Power's down!" watch merc said from the control booth.

"So fix it," head merc ordered.

"I'm on it," said the beautiful merc Alice's heart belonged to. She walked over to the open grate on the train's floor, held a flashlight in her teeth, and jumped down, all while Alice watched, enraptured.

"My heart's desire is good with electricity," she murmured to herself, excited. She knew there was a reason she'd had a SPARK of love inside her. She chuckled out loud, drawing another stare from Matt.

Alice watched one of the mercs slink over to the hole, crouch down, and thrust his head in. "Are you done yet?" she heard him say, before he chuckled and followed up with "Jumpy!" She was going to give him a swift kick in the ass for startling her tru luv when he whipped his head back, accompanied with a burst of sparks and the hum of electricity returning to the choo choo. She smiled, glad to know that her love was Tough Shit and could fight her own battles.

"Stand clear!" the watch merc said after Alice's love climbed out of the hole. He pressed a switch and the hatch closed. Within seconds, the train began to move.

Alice watched as her beloved walked over to a door at the rear of the compartment and tried to open it. It was stuck or locked or something, and she couldn't force it open. She turned away from the door, saw Alice staring, and asked, "You got a problem?"

"I've loved you from the moment I first saw you," Alice blurted out.

"Fucking what?" Rain said, extremely confused at the response. (Fuck it, you and I already know her name, and it gets tiring writing 'woman merc' and variations thereof).

"How's that door?" head merc asked, continuing to ignore Alice's bullshit.

"It's sealed shut," Rain explained, trying to ignore what she now realized was a lovestruck stare from the crazed amnesiac.

"Let me," asshole merc offered. Rain moved aside and let him try his hand at the door. After a moment he successfully forced it open, and caught a body as it tumbled against him from the other side.

"Jumpy?" Rain asked asshole merc, a little smirk on her face, and Alice actually clapped a little. Rain met Alice's eyes for a second, felt an actual smile attempt to form on her lips, then snapped her head away and schooled her expression. Best not to encourage her behavior.

Alice looked at the unconscious man's face. "Oh shit, it's the hubbo!" she exclaimed. The other mercs looked at her, and she chose to meet Rain's gaze. "I mean, it's a marriage of convenience. Probably. For, like, a green card." She gave Rain (her best approximation of) a seductive smile. "I'm definitely looking to get a divorce as soon as possible, if you know what I mean." She took off her ring to emphasize the point, realized she didn't have any pocket to stow it in, and just began fiddling with it instead.

Rain turned to the head merc. "Is temporary insanity another side effect of the defense system, or did she just knock her head really hard when she passed out?"

Alice heard her alleged hubby grunt and look up. The merc's medic, another woman, had administered smelling salts. "Lie still," she ordered, trying to hold his eyes open and check his pupils. "Watch this light. Follow it." The man groggily complied. "Now, how many fingers am I holding up?"

As the medic checked him over, Alice noticed some writing inside the band of her ring. 'Property of Umbrella Corporation'. Now what the shit did that mean? Was the ring a loaner? Was hubbo so fucking cheap he couldn't even get a ten dollar ring from K-Mart or something? God, that divorce couldn't come fast enough.

"He's fine," the medic concluded. "Memory loss, just like the other one."

"'Just' like the other one?" the head merc questioned, arching an eyebrow and looking pointedly at Alice.

"He better not be," Alice muttered, pointing at Rain. "Mine. Not his, mine."

Rain didn't really know how to respond to that and opened her mouth to shoot down the notion, but something buried deep within her stilled her words. She furrowed her eyebrows. What the hell was that about? She again opened her mouth to voice her rejection of belonging to this nut, but felt a lurching sensation in her stomach, like doing so would make her physically ill. So she just stood there while Alice made googly eyes at her, wondering if there was maybe still something in the air.

Maybe they shouldn't have taken their gas masks off within minutes of breaching the house.

XXXXXXXXXX

Oh yep, right there at the end of the second chapter, pointing out how silly it is to go masks off.

Hey, did y'all know Kaplan's first name is CHAD? I only found out when I uploaded chapter 1, went a-tagging, and searching for 'Kaplan' got 'CHAD KAPLAN'. This forbidden knowledge has now made me imagine Kaplan as the guy from the Gigachad meme.