Katsuki's P.O.V
He was being punished! Katsuki was truly convinced that was what was happening. Because why else would he even want to be his friend after remembering how shitty he had treated him. He knew it was impossible for him to still have the feelings for him. He fell against the tree, ignoring the pain of the bark scraping across his back. It wasn't like he didn't want to, he'd happily be friends if that was on the table. But his own jealousy and guilt while watching him date, he groaned shaking his head. And in top of it, because of Kirishima he saw him dressed up, and he looked so fucking good dressed up. He hated that Half and Half was the first to get him like that.
His phone rang, a distraction he was willing to accept so he picked it up.
"Brat" came his Mum's voice and he regretted it. He slouched and wanted to go back to moping.
"Whataya want?" He growled out but she only kept her cheerful tune and laughed softly
"Nice to talk to you too. Just calling to say you're coming home on the weekend. We're having dinner with the Midoriya's while your Dad is out of town for work. Inko said you and Izuku are getting along better so time to try"
"That's not a good idea" he frowned wanting to pound his head into a tree.
"Nonsense. You've been pining after him for years and now you've been given a clean slate. Stop being a brat and accept the chance"
"I have not been pining" he denied but he could feel the look of 'really?'from her through the damned phone.
He couldn't have dinner with him, he just made a big scene about how they should stay away from each other.
"Well tough, dinner is at Seven this Friday and Inko has agreed to pick you up with Izuku. Don't you dare run from this!" And the line went dead.
"Fuck sake!" He growled.
-
He was sat with the extra's in the communal and Denki was losing at Mario Kart. Deku was laughing and enjoying his win. Which Katsuki would love if it wasn't for the fact he was sat between Half and Half's legs, back against his chest.
"C'mon Midoriya!" Denki whined.
"You have no chance" Half and Half smirked burying his chin into the green curls. Katsuki had to look away and focus on the game before he did something stupid. This was torture, but he had made this choice. He'd decided that they shouldn't be friends after being offered.
He growled at the dig on his shoulder and glared up to Kirishima.
"What?" He asked and realised everyone had left, looking to the window he saw it was dark out.
"You gonna go bed?" He asked looking worried
"No. I missed the gym, gonna go-"
"Dude" Kirishima sighed but Katsuki waved him off and headed to his room to get changed.
When he got to the gym he was surprised to see Deku sat on a bench, seemingly waiting for him.
"Bit late for a work out" he observed
And right then Katsuki felt certain Kirishima went to get him, and he was gonna kill him.
"Shitty hair sent you" he growled out and was given a slow nod.
"He's worried about you" Deku shrugged standing up and standing in front of the treadmill as Katsuki approached it.
"Move, Nerd" he gritted out between clenched teeth. He shook his head
"You're not helping yourself. You are going to ruin your chances if you kee-".
"What the fuck do you care?" Katsuki snapped and immediately regretting it. But Deku didn't flinch, he kept his eyes level, face of stone waiting for the small popping to stop.
"Because we made a vow" he said flatly "even if for a moment there, it was clear I couldn't. You always would have. And that's important. If it wasn't for a chance encounter you'd be here without me anyway"
That stung. But he was right, and Katsuki had managed to set his mind to that fact. He had to accept he couldn't help Deku the way he had tried to before his own guilt got to him, twosted everything, and instead of manning up and making it right he only doubled down on his treatment on his friend.
"I'll still become number one. Back off" he put his hand on Deku's shoulder to move him aside only to be frozen in place at the cool hand coming over his.
"You need to get over this guilt. I am okay, and I am happier than I was before. I have no resentment or blame to put on you. Why won't you let yourself accept it?"
What was he supposed to say? He wanted to blow up Icy Hot everytime he touched him? That he hated seeing him move on with someone else? That he wished he had known about the Nerds feelings before and maybe things would be different? That he wanted to be Kacchan again? That it was very clear this was what he deserved when he had been such a shitty excuse for a human being nevermind a friend.
"It doesn't matter"
"It matters to me. If I am the cause of this... low time for you I want to fix it"
"How could you possibly fix it?" He asked frustrated
"I don't know. You tell me" he challenged squeezing his hand tighter "you said you didn't want to be friends but I don't think it's helping you"
"It's not for me" he admitted
"You're making this harder than it needs to be. I want to-"
"Do you? Or are you just putting me first, again?"
"I don't know how to show you I mean it. But its not fun or satisfying to see you suffering because of me. I'd be much happier when you let yourself be happy that I've let go" he sighed "and yet I'm still here worrying about you cause your clearly hurting"
"So you still have feelings for me?" He asked sarcastically because they both knew it was impossible. But the look across his face, the very slight tint of red had that horrible little heat of hope bloom in his chest.
"It's not that" he said clearing his throat nervously "it has always hurt me to see others hurt. I'm just too..." he trailed off Katsuki sighed and nodded understanding, yeah Deku was one of those proper empathetic people, always had been. Which is just another reason he was a dick. "I want to fix whatever I broke. Can you just tell me what you need?" He asked, no pleaded moving his hand to weave his fingers with Katsuki's.
"I just-" he started and cut off quickly pressing his lips together.
"I won't judge you, Katsuki. Whatever it is I won't laugh or get offended. I just want to help, if i can"
He knew that and that he could help, that wasn't the issue. It was if he admitted it, he'd have to accept it completely.
"Just let me do my work out" he sighed pulling his hand free. But Deku didn't move, he just kept his sad, pleading eyes on Katsuki. "I miss it" he finally admitted looking to the mirrors in the right of the room. He could see Deku frown slightly, confused, obviously.
"Miss what?" He asked softly reaching out and then stopping.
"My name" he whispered and hated himself for being so fucking timid, and nervous. His heart was pounding and he wanted to turn and say forget it. But he locked his legs in place as he waited for Deku to catch up. The smaller cool hands captured his wrist tugging him back slightly, asking him to look at him. He took a deep breath before looking at the big, open eyes that seemed a little happy under the confusion.
"Just let me do my work out" he sighed pulling his hand free. But Deku didn't move, he just kept his sad, pleading eyes on Katsuki. "I miss it" he finally admitted looking to the mirrors in the right of the room. He could see Deku frown slightly, confused, obviously.
Katsuki growled and stormed to the bench to the left, elbows on his knees as he put his hands in his hair trying to keep himself calm. He can talk openly without being drunk dammit! Without lashing out. Deku followed sitting next to him patiently letting him get through it.
"I don't deserve it" he let his hands fall between his legs defeated "it meant something and I tainted it and our entire relationship. Everytime I heard it I was only reminded how shit I was"
"You-"
"I was!" He argued before Deku could even try to defend his actions. "Look at yourself!" He hissed the bile rising and burning his throat, like some physical form of his guilt.
"It's just a scar. I healed, and I'm here"
"Until you almost weren't!" He yelled standing up when the popping started in his palms. His breathing was short as he felt like he couldn't take a complete breath. He couldn't talk about this, he would lose it again.
"What are yo-"
"Don't even fucking try to lie to me" he growled clenching his fists as he tried to calm his emotions and quirk. He couldn't hurt him again. He couldn't...
"Okay" his voice cracked "I-I'm sorry"
"No" he shook his head that wasn't what he meant. He shook out his hands and sighed heavily. Back on point, stay on point. "The name didn't feel like I deserved it. Like everything else when it comes to you"
"What changed?" Deku asked
"You left me" he said his voice pathetically sad and his brain hadn't had a chance to filter his fucking mouth. Fuck.
"I didn't think it would bother you, well... I mean from what I remember it's surprising it does" he corrected
"And that's my own fault" he huffed sitting on the floor. When Deku came and sat opposite him on his knees it surprised him.
"I can call you it again... if you really want? It might take time to get into the habit again but... its not a problem" he smiled completely sincere.
"I'd like that" Katsuki admitted tensely.
"We can work at it, fixing it. We'll start with this, okay Kacchan?" Deku smiled so widely and it sent his heart into a frenzy. He felt his mouth tug into a genuine smile. He hadn't smiled for months.
"Yeah, fine" he huffed trying to rid the smile, but he couldn't.
"Maybe we will be friends yet" he nodded "Don't overdo the work out, please?"
"I won't, just a hour" he promised
"Goodnight, Kacchan" he waved awkwardly before leaving him.
Katsuki finally enjoyed a workout for the first time in a while.
-
Izuku's P.O.V
He lay in bed staring at the ceiling trying to straighten out his thoughts, his feelings. It had become obvious that losing his love for Katsuki didn't diminish his attraction to him, and he was equally attracted to Shoto, at least he thought he did. He wondered if he had overlooked just how much Katsuki physically affected him, perhaps he was so hurt emotionally that he hadn't thought to erase the memory that made him attractive to him? Then again it probably is nothing to do with memory, more that Katsuki is just so damn hot it's hard not to get flustered, or daydream. He shook his head trying to get back on track. Shoto was a good friend, and he was invested in this, its not fair to string him along. In the beginning is fine, maybe his own feelings could grow past attraction. That seemed like the only logical way forward. He sighed rolling over onto his stomach to bury his head in his pillow. He hoped he wasn't making a huge mistake. But he was continually chasing Katsuki, and now he had agreed to call him Kacchan. Which is clearly a big thing. He only wanted to help, he only wanted to make up for the pain he'd caused, right? He wondered how innocent his motives were, especially if he considered his reactions to Katsuki getting close. Maybe he was just nervous with people getting that close... it happened with Shoto too.
He couldn't help but wonder just what bothered Katsuki, the distance... or the fact that Izuku was moving on with someone else?
On cue there was a familiar quiet knock on his door, he hugged his pillow tighter for a moment, calming his confusion and looking up to the door before calling out.
"Come in"
His red hair was visible first before his scar and then the flash of white. He came over to the bed smiling softly.
"Are you okay?" He asked slowly running his hand over Izuku's hair. And Izuku liked it, it always felt nice and warm.
"I'm... Confused" He admitted and the look of hurt on the usually stoic face made him want to take a punch.
"Even with the emotions gone, Bakugo has a hold on you" he sighed taking a seat next to Izuku.
"I don't know... I think its because he's clearly in pain and that... it hurts me" he frowned "does that make sense?"
"Yes. But I'm not entirely sure it's just your empathy involved here"
Izuku nodded, because he had wondered that too
"I'm sorry Shoto" he sat up crossing his legs, pillow between his legs. He looked down to it, picking the corner as shame washed over him. The warm hand cupping his cheek had him looking up surprised.
"You've been honest from the start, and I knew there was always a connection with you two... you being in love with him or not. And I can see the change in him" he shrugged
"You can?"
"It's the way he looks at you. And the increased hostility toward me."
Why would he dislike Shoto more? He had considered Katsuki was jealous, but that wouldn't make any sense. He figured it was the fact Shoto had been there for him, when Katsuki didn't think he was. But the fact of the matter was he wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for Katsuki. When they were kids he saved him from his own Father. When villains tried to take him from a blind spot and pulled him out the way. When he was losing consciousness the day he tried to kill himself. He remembers the panic, guilt and grief when thinking Katsuki would feel responsible when it wasn't really his fault. He had never regretted anything so much or wanted to take it back. The crazy dream he had trying to claw his way out of this pit to show Katsuki he wasn't gone, that he was the reason he fought so hard to get out. To this day he believed that was him fighting to stay alive.
"I know I'm more emotionally invested here, and I only want you to be happy and safe" Shoto explained "so I won't fall away if down the road you don't want me the same way, even if its for him. As long as he treats you right I won't fight it"
He pressed his lips to Izuku's head and lingered for a moment
"Why do you think anything would ever happen with Katsuki?" He asked confused still
"Because, I see the way you look at him too"
"Why are you even dating me if you are so sure I'm going to choose him?"
"I'm told it's hope. Because there is a chance I can win you over now you aren't in love with him"
Izuku snorted at that, so they just had an even chance?
"Until you've decided I'm going to keep trying. As I'm sure he will"
He doubted that. He seemed more inclined to keep his distance than even be friends. His own guilt getting in the way. But Izuku remembered how he said he would be selfish if given the chance, did that mean..? He shook away the thought before even finishing it. No way. Shoto wrapped his arms around Izuku and pulled him to lay down. All thoughts and worries melted away as his heat warmed Izuku up. He loved cuddles and it seemed as if Shoto liked touch too. Every chance he got he held onto Izuku.
"I have dinner with him and his mum on Friday. So we will have to reschedule out date on Saturday. Mum said Mrs Bakugo said no wasn't on the table. So if we don't turn up she will come and get us"
"That's okay. We can go Sunday then" he reassured Izuku while holding him a little tighter, and little more tense. The guilt at knowing Shoto was worried about him and Katsuki being close.
-
Katsuki's P.O.V
The car ride was quiet, and Katsuki glared out the window the whole way. The entire week has been quiete and a little lonely. Since hearing his name from his crush again. (Because yes he was his crush, and no he can't deny it anymore). Katsuki calmed down and his friends were more willing to be around him again. He didn't want Deku bearing the guilt of 'ruining' Katsuki's friendships. So he worked at being himself, and he had to admit, occasionally hearing his nickname helped with that. He only got particularly snappy when he witnessed Deku and fucking Half and Half together. They were clearly closer, and it had so many questions of what they had done running through his head. He couldn't sit by and see them flirt, and cuddle and be close the way he had wished and thrown away. Just today before they left they were on the couch, watching TV with Deku lay against him, Half and Half holding his hand. It knocked the breath out of him and he had to storm out ignoring the look of concern from his best friend.
The car pulled up to his house and Deku got out without a word. Katsuki sighed feeling the twinge of sadness that Deku hadn't talked to him passed politeness since Monday. Dutifully fulfilling Katsuki's request as much as he could. Dispite the conversation in the Gym
The dinner was nice, and Deku was clearly happier. All of them can see it and Katsuki even smiled because they'd had dinner like this over the years, this was the first time Deku spoke with any enthusiasm. He felt his heart clench at the realisation he'd yet again hurt him so severely, Aunt Inko looked happier too. And he hadn't noticed she was sad until seeing her tonight.
"Right brat, you do the dishes" his Mum ordered and he scoffed getting up without a word. He was at the doorway when he heard the chair move and Deku's cheerful
"I'll help Kacchan, you two gossip" he chuckled and Katsuki felt his heart drop. Dammit. He'd heard the nickname a few times now and it still hit him, even if it wasn't entirely the same.
It was silent while they did the dishes and Deku dried them. He didn't talk but he was pretty relaxed stood next to him. Which was a nice change and Katsuki wished he could stop thinking about how much he had fucked up.
Deku's phone dinged and he pulled it out of his pocket and immediately smiled. Katsuki looked away trying to will down his curiosity, and ignore the tapping of Deku replying to Icy-Hot.
"You can go back in if you need to talk" he grumbled looking to the greenette from the corner of his eye. Deku looked up quickly, eyes wide before a nervous smile pulled at his mouth.
"Oh no, that's okay. He was just checking in" he shrugged
"Right. It's going well then?" He asked before he could filter his fucking mouth. Deku nodded putting his phone in his pocket and gave a half shrug.
"Yeah, he's been really nice. We're both pretty dense with this so we're learning together" he explained
That felt like a sharp, hot knife to the gut. Katsuki hadn't had any experience in romance and all that shit. His entire life had been about being the best and Deku. And only on the bad nights did he let his mind wonder, fantasise that Deku would be the one he would learn with. Because like hell he would ever allow that in reality. He didn't deserve it, and even if that wasn't an issue he could never get out of his own way.
"Makes sense" he answered stiffly "gotta say your taste seems pretty sporadic to me" he scoffed trying to hide his envy.
"Yeah? Well I suppose you and Shoto are very different. Looks and personality" he chuckled
"You fucking think?" He asked with a smirk handing over the plate
"But you're both... strong. You both have such deep ingrained need to protect the weak, you're both kind even if you're the most unapproachable looking guys I know" he got a goofy smile that had Katsuki biting his lip at the intense jealousy and guilt that made him physically nauseous. That lovey look all for that bastard. And he hadn't been such a great protector for Deku. His body went ridged as the cool hand landed on his chest above his now raging heart. Deku had turned to lean against the side and smiled up at him. The cold from his hand seeped through his vest. "You both have pure hearts, and you hide how much you care but you show it in ways you don't think to cover up"
And again Deku had managed to steal his breath with the way he saw him. A way he could never see in himself but it did sound like Icy-Hot. He'd never admit it, and he'd blow away anyone who tried to say it, but he envied that. Because dispite the bastards social ineptitude he was a good guy. To think Deku saw him the same way had his chest fluttering nervously. His hand moved to pass Deku, gripping the side and adding his other on the other side. That was dangerous, and he found he didn't care, he was sick of holding back. He's never hidden his desires on anything else, and Deku was clearly trying to remain friends... He was leant forward, arms slightly bent to hover over Deku.
"So wasn't just my good looks that had you fall for me?" He asked tutting at the end still trying to deflect all the emotions Deku seemed to rile up in him. Deku giggled and shook his head
"Oh they helped. Obviously" he joked but it had a genuine smile tugging at the blondes lips. So he was still attracted to him? Was that what the look was in the gym?
"Obviously" he echoed trying to pull down the smile to a smirk. Seeing Deku's face fall, jaw go slack leaving his mouth slightly parted as he looked from eye to eye. He felt like the green eyes pulled him into the depths of his pure fucking soul.
"Uh, Katsuki" Deku gasped out hand fisting the vest. He didnt want to hear that name right now. Katsuki blinked confused why he was suddenly so close, as Deku's breath brushed over his face and he realised what had happened. Their noses were touching and the younger was clearly working to keep breathing normally.
"What?" He asked his voice gruff but he didn't move
"I-" Deku cut off
"Have you kissed him yet?" He whispered, he had to know. It was driving hi insane wondering all the time. Deku shook his head clearly not willing to try and talk, he inched closer "can I?" He asked before he could stop himself but it was too much, to be so close, to be seen so much better than he was, to be believed in with no doubt, to still affect Deku. And he just wanted to accept it all. He wanted to have this part of him, his first kiss. He wanted it and he wanted Deku to have his, dammit. Even if it meant nothing but attraction to the Shitty Nerd. A part of him told him he didn't even know for sure if Deku had never kissed someone, but he was almost certain. He waited for the shake of the head, ready to back away and apologise for overstepping. The blush that turned his skin pink made the freckles stand out and Katsuki leant down more only stopping at the audible hitch in Deku's throat.
Dammit he was losing his control and when the guy nodded slowly it had Katsuki's heart falling into his stomach. Then his lips were pressed against Deku's, he didnt even register making the decision. They were warm, and tight from his nerves. Only when Katsuki lifted his right hand to cup the back of his neck did he relax, then opened his mouth to deepen the kiss. It sent a jolt through him and he just let his instincts take over, stepping closer to be right against his crush. Deku had to lift up on his toes so not to break the contact. Arms came around his neck as a small moan left Deku that shot straight to Katsuki's dick. He moved his hands to Deku's hips before swiftly lifting him onto the side. Fucking hell, he felt hot, and images were flying behind his lids causing him to pull Deku's hips forward to grind himself against the smaller boy. The growl that left him at feeling Deku's clear arousal against his own. He pulled back quickly both breathing fast while Deku only looked up at his, the dazed look faded replaced by wide eyes, and one arm releasing Katsuki to cover his mouth.
Katsuki felt great, he felt bad, he felt way more worked up than he had ever been, and he felt like an utter asshole. What a fucking dick move.
"Shit" Katsuki hissed trying to back away but Deku only held on tighter
"It's okay" he whispered desperately "it's fine"
But it wasn't, Deku had a boyfriend and he let himself get carried away... but Deku said yes, right? It was small but it was a nod.
"Why did you let me-" he cut off shaking his head, no. No he wasn't about to blame him, "I shouldn't have-"
"I said yes" he frowned "I-"
"You have a boyfriend" he hissed softly
"We aren't..." Deku let him go folding his arms over his chest but looking guilty. He didn't want that, guilt looked awful on him.
"I don't want you to feel.."
"We aren't official, I still... he knows I'm not decided on how I feel" he said timidly and Katsuki felt his heart pound at the knowledge. So they weren't together? But they'd been so... close. "Still I shouldn't have..." he bowed his head
"The fuck you shouldn't" Katsuki spoke voice tense and went to move forward again. He wasn't taken, and he wasn't even close to being done. His fingers barely made it to the green curls.
"Izuku!?" Aunt Inko called causing Katsuki to straighten up and step back.
"Y-yeah, Mum" he stammered not bothering to get off the side. She walked in and stopped at the door way
"You okay?" She asked looking pointedly at Katsuki, which felt like a punch in the gut from Kirishima quirked up. Fuck, did she know? Did my mum? He thought as his stomach churned
"Yeah, we were talking about Shoto and me" he answered with a blush and Aunt Inko smiled
"Oh. That's good I wish you'd tell him how you feel. It'd be lovely to invite him to dinner" she gushed
"I don't know how I feel" Deku frowned looking slightly annoyed. Katsuki figured this was a repeated conversation.
"Nonesense. He is perfect for you, and it's clear he adores you" she scoffed before turning to leave only to stop and look at Katsuki "let me know if you want to leave" she smiled tightly then left. The nausea was intense but he pushed it down to look at the red faced greenette who looked a little awkward.
"She doesn't like me" Katsuki said quietly
"She likes you" Deku pouted "she's just being protective"
"How much does she know?" He asked not missing the way Deku twisted his hands.
"I don't know, I'm scared to ask really. She says she knows but..."
Katsuki nodded. There would be no way she'd know everything if he hadn't told her. He stepped forward again blinking away the stinging in his eyes as he gently pulled Deku's wrists to him. Gently running his thumb over the sleeved wrists.
"If I ask will you be honest with me?" He asked "my feelings and reactions be fucked"
"Yeah" he whispered shaking slightly under his hold.
"Was it because of me? Did I push you to...try and" he couldn't even say it. The Green eyes turned sad and guilty as he tilted his head
"Yes" he breathed and Katsuki slouched his head falling onto Deku's "and no"
"Do not. Fucki-"
"I'm not. It wasn't your fault but it was because of you. You didn't do anything wrong... or say something I just..." he took a deep breath "I remember it hurt so much I guess how much I loved you then to have One For All. It felt like I was being punished. Most of my childhood was suffering, the first person I loved was so painful because rejection isn't fun. I didn't help by continually putting myself in the position to be rejected" he huffed "then I finally get a chance, a quirk and it was just painful to use, and I was failing All Might that I couldn't..." he leaned back causing Katsuki to have to straighten up. "My reaction to pushing your boundaries isn't your fault. And I wish I could explain better but I don't remember the feeling. Just what happened. It still makes no sense when I think about the times I did something because of how I felt but can't remember feeling it" he frowned "but I also remember... wanting to live for you. That the thoughts of you pulled me out of that darkness and made me want to live. Again, its strange to remember it, but not feel it. But I'm pretty sure that if I didn't... have those feeling I'd have been dead for sure"
It didn't help his guilt. No matter how right his words sounded. Or how good it sounded he wanted to live for him.
"After how I hurt you... and what I said. Why wouldn't you go that far?" He said in such clear self disgust.
"Katsuki?" He spoke softly but hearing his name hurt. He wanted His name, the one that Deku had made for him and said with such obvious affection. Affection he had missed. Dammit. He looked into his eyes and nodded "I'm confused" He admitted pulling his wrists from his grasp "what do you want? You said we shouldn't be friends but then you kiss me, like that" his face turned red again "is that what you meant when you said you were selfish?"
"Yes" his voice sounded strangled "I will take what I want if given the chance. I fought it, and denied and-" he cut off taking a deep breath "then you were gone. Then you admitted how you felt... and I felt so stupid and guilty. But it's too late. It's not about me now and I know I will fuck it up if you let me. So we shouldn't... we should keep our distance"
"And if I didn't want to?" Deku asked quietly, looking a little terrified, before quickly shaking his head in horror. "Nevermind, I didn't mean- that's stupid" he jumped down from the side "think I got swept up" he laughed nervously. But the words rang in Katsuki's head. Over and over and over making it hard to keep himself in place. "You're already making it clear you don't want that" he skirted around Katsuki and left him in the kitchen with his swirling thoughts. He'd kissed Deku, Deku kissed him. Deku liked him, at least physically. And he had made a comment he wanted Katsuki to be selfish. Fuck. He leant against the side the heel of his hand digging into eye. He needed to talk to Kirishima, not that he'd be helpful. All he seemed to care about was pushing him into Deku's direction.
What the fuck was he doing?
"Brat! Bring in the desert!"
"Alright!" He roared pulling the refrigerator open with more force before taking the cheesecake and slamming it shut.
"Kacchan?" The voice was surprised and concerned but it had him frozen to the spot.
"She's always yelling" he supplied quickly before turning to face him. Deku didn't look convinced but nodded and went to get the plates.
Katsuki was pretty sure their Mums sensed something the rest of the night. Not that he had been very focused, his brain wouldn't stop replaying the kiss, the look on Deku's face, the words... he'd messed up. He fucking let himself overstep and he felt like it was just the start. Like he had opened a door that he lost the lock to, making way for him to go through whenever he wanted to... he looked to Deku and internally groaned. He was happy. And Half and Half was clearly a better choice for him, certainly less selfish and full of less bad memories he was sure. He needed to close the door, barricade it and leave Deku the fuck alone. Being attracted to someone was barely even a reason to throw away a good relationship.
Just when he was starting to get back to normal he had to make a stupid move like kiss Deku. No matter how smug he was he took that from Half and Half, it was selfish and stupid.