Chapter 22: The Miles Between

1 week later.

Violet suggested that I try writing things down in a journal. She promised she wouldn't look at any of it. It's something that's just for me. Dunno if it'll work, but I know she won't look.

It's been a week. I could start from the beginning, but I don but a lot of the days blurred together. I must have gotten up at some point to use the bathroom and eat, eventually.

Violet's been taking care of herself, I guess. I've seen her in passing a few times, and when she gave me this to write in. Couldn't really look at her, but she probably feels sad, too. She got to say goodbye, and we still have her stuff around. I'm glad she got to at least say goodbye.

I know my folks will ask at some point. Maybe they'll feel bad?

I

If they think about asking me for a ne

We moved the mementos up on the wall in here. Every time I'm looking around, I look there. I wish I could trade pla

Maybe this is all I can do, now. I'll try again tomorrow.

8 days after.

Writing in bed. I tried getting up and moving around, doing some exercise. Maybe not too great of an idea. I just wish I could get all of this out. I'm not stupid enough to do anything, but I can't even cry, or scream.

It's like it's just stuck in me.

I think about it over and over. Even when I'm not, the picture never gets dull. Seeing her face breaks my heart.

If I even have one anymore.

I hope Violet didn't notice me feeling that. I saw her this morning and told her I'd started writing. She didn't ask, and I'm glad she's giving me space. I do miss her too, though.

I know we could be watching movies, or doing something, anything. I picture it, but then I think about all three of us being there and–

–I know I couldn't make it

I should be the one capable

–I don't want to break in front of her. I think. I'm supposed to be making sure she's taken care of.

10 days after it happened.

I've been getting up and sitting outside the last few days. I still haven't gone back to class, but my grades are high enough that I can skip. I just called the school and told them I'd been feeling awful. Not a lie, at least.

I haven't thought as much about what happened 10 days ago. Thinking about Violet, mostly. She's still got research to do, and I'm getting in the w

I mis- -oth -f my frie-ds.

Maybe Violet can feel that. I hope she does.

…fuck it, I have to try for her.

11 days after it happened.

I just woke up and started writing today. After I stopped yesterday, I went and found Violet and just…gave her the longest hug I could. I still couldn't cry, but I wanted to

apologize

comfort her?

have her close

have her in my life again. I know she never left, but I lost a piece of myself after Shadow. I know she won't stay forever but I–

–yeah, I need Violet right now. Most people would have pulled themselves together by now, right? I'm not invincible, after all.

She's been staying in my room again, doing research on the computer. She's been giving me some distance, only talking if I feel like it. We watched a movie for the first time in weeks. I fell asleep for a few minutes, but at least I didn't have any dreams.

I don't deserve a friend like her. The world wouldn't deserve someone as great as her.

15 days after Shadow left.

We've been watching a lot of movies together. It's been nice. I can tell Violet's trying to avoid anything with pets. I could probably handle it, but I'm glad she's thinking of me. I might try going back to school in a day or two.

Maybe a bit longer.

I don't know if I'm ready for the interrogation, even if I could just lie about it. I saw my reflection in the mirror yesterday, and I look pretty awful.

I hope I didn't look even worse before.

Violet is researching things right now. Art history, mostly. I think she wanted to see some nicer parts of the world right now, too. She's not invincible, either. I know she's cried a few times, but I'm glad she could grieve.

I'm glad I'm not alone

I should ask Violet what she wants to do tomorrow. As long as it's something simple, I think I could manage it. Forgetting is impossible, but if I don't remember it all the time, maybe things will get better?

They won't be normal without her, but she lov cared about us. She wouldn't us to give up, and Violet hasn't.

…yeah.

I should keep going for them.

18 days after Shadow's passing.

Violet and I started gaming again. Nothing heavy or competitive, but either cooperative games or things I could watch and give advice where I could. I forgot how nice some of those worlds were. I even used the VR a little, but it was almost too pretty? Overwhelming, maybe, given how things are.

Even tried going swimming when the weather was nice. Wasn't in there long, but it felt nice to have some sort of physical feeling in my body again.

School was rough. First day going back. Thankfully Veronica was the only one who asked me anything. It wasn't great having to lie to her, but I mostly just told her I wasn't contagious but still recovering. Nearly fell asleep a few times in class, but made it through.

Heading to bed now.

21 days after Shadow's passing.

So it's been three weeks. I'm back to a routine now. Showering every day, eating three times a day, school if I have it, some small exercise, and time with Violet.

I really couldn't have done this without her. Anyone else constantly around me would have just left completely or gotten way too clingy.

I'm still not sure why Violet sees me as a good person, especially after what I put her through the last three weeks. But there's no denying she makes me better. Maybe if there is some reason I was meant to exist, it's to help her. That's what I'll do.

My instinct is telling me to stay close to her. And it was my instinct to keep her safe when we first met, so I should follow it.

I'm not sure if writing any of this down has helped me heal or whatever, but it has gotten me to do something. I just wish I knew what to do with it all. Do I share it with Violet?

Probably not, at least not everything. Maybe I should write my thoughts down now and just say whatever I think.

22 days after Shadow's passing:

For the record, the tear marks are only from the one page I wrote my thoughts down to directly share with Violet. Turns out it was a waste and I ended up not even using it. I don't really remember exactly what I said. Something along the lines of thanking her for everything and showing that she does care. I guess she's the only one left now, but even if it's only Violet that cares about me, that's enough for me.

Even when she gave me space, I didn't ever really feel like I was alone. She was right there when I was ready. She never pushed too hard, and she never tried to replace Shadow. If anything, she was feeling sad with me, whether she was in the same room as me or not. She never tried to fix me herself, she just…wanted me to be better. Even before all this.

I hope she keeps that light she's got, because I'd take down any other Lucario if it meant getting one to stop judging her for her eyes.

After we talked, we just did more gaming, but actually some competitive stuff this time. Mostly just playful insults, but I think it was the first time I felt really alive again. Like an actual person.

I've been sleeping better this last week. Staying awake like I used to, well maybe not quite that much. Every now and again I'll look over at Shadow, but even though it hurts, I know she wouldn't want me to be sad forever. Even if I have to say it in my head a few times. I still don't know what happened, but having a family for a while meant the world to me.

I'd taken the food and water out of her dishes, and now I've got them sitting just below the shelf where she is. I didn't want to let them go completely, but having them stay out probably isn't healthy for me, either.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow. I hope it does. I've got an idea, and maybe it'll work.

23 days after Shadow's passing:

It rained all day. I couldn't have asked for better weather. It was even bad enough to cancel school for flooding. By the time afternoon got here, it had calmed down enough to be a light drizzle, but no point in having school by then.

I asked Violet to try something with me. Didn't give her any hints, just seeing what would happen. Still can't believe she just went with it. Only wearing pants and a shirt, I brought her outside to stand in the rain for a little while, just having her right beside me. Thought maybe it would help me cry out the last of the pain, but I still couldn't.

It actually ended up better, though. We ended up dancing, again. Just a slow pace back and forth, hugging, no music except the rain. It was the happiest I've been in almost a month. I don't know how or why, but it felt like Violet was giving me part of the warmth inside her heart. We didn't talk that entire time, but she knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

Even after we finally went back inside, that feeling never left me. We both showered off in the separate bathrooms and then had hot chocolate while under the covers and watching a movie. I kept my folk's bathroom clean. They've only been in the house for a few days each. Maybe I should feel bad for writing this, but I barely even notice them anymore.

Even now, I just keep thinking about that warm, cozy feeling. I know Violet won't just disappear on me. I'll at least get the proper time to say goodbye when she has to go.

But while she's here, I'll take on the world for her.

Author's Notes: Let's start with the literary side of things first, shall we?

I went through a few ideas on how I wanted to have Bryce heal from losing Shadow. Heal is the key word here, rather than 'get over'. I'll paraphrase the exact quote, but making room for the sadness in your life when losing someone, remembering the good times you had with them, and knowing that they would want you to keep living your best life is one of the best ways to deal with that kind of pain. Ultimately, I chose him writing journal entries to have a bit of time skips here and there. Unsurprisingly, dealing with a close friend dying doesn't just happen overnight.

The fun thing about when a character writes or talks: text may not be grammatically correct! I know, what a shock! People don't speak with correct English because language changes and evolves, and it wouldn't sound or feel right to speak in the textbook definition of 'correct'. (Funny story about this too: one of the two times I ever got detention in school was for 'challenging' a teacher on this very idea, that even people speaking had to be completely grammatically accurate. She said, quote, "There is not a single well-known book containing poor grammar in character speech." I went to the library during my free period, checked out a copy of 'The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn', and left it on her desk. Detention is for an hour. Humiliation by a student in primary school that you're supposed to help learn, but instead they're factually correct despite your protests? That's forever.

Having Bryce write out a 'speech' and throwing it out was a fun take on good old 'character exposition'. For those not in the know, this is when background information is given to you by the characters. Not too bad to do if it's at the beginning of the story to catch the reader up on the timeline, or even if it's what one character has been up to while another is away. When you have them say exactly what they're going to do, and then do it…maybe just skip the middleman? 'Show, don't tell', which is more of a film technique, but I did want to have some fun with the idea. The idea is a bit of a changeup; Bryce still does it here in actually writing out what he's going to tell Violet, but we also get to mock it at the same time by having him think, 'this is exactly what I am going to say, word for word' and then just speaking from the heart instead. Plus, we never get to read the speech OR what he actually said, word for word.

Writing technique! Bookends! It's a thing where you match scenes at the beginning and end of something–the whole story, a story arc, maybe the same beginning and end of a scene itself. Maybe you already knew about this one, but for those who aren't super big into reading or don't know much about the techniques we use, there you have it. You'll be seeing another one in the future.

The whole 'romance of being in the rain' motif idea has a few meanings behind it: One, the idea that 'not everything goes perfectly, sometimes things like the weather go awry, but as long as with them, it doesn't matter'. Two, because rain is often symbolic of sadness, being close to someone that matters to you means that much more. Three, well, you know. Bodies pressing close to each other for warmth amidst the chill.

Moving on to the psychology, I'm going to leave a few more quotes from Jonathan Decker:

"Our stories need to be heard in order for us to move through things, and how much our feelings need to be felt. It's crucial to find people who won't tell you to 'toughen up' or 'suck it up', but people who can understand why things would be difficult for you, or going through something difficult together."

"There is a type of love that is only experienced through sadness. There is a type of joy that is only experienced through grief. And in many ways, it's the most beautiful of all. When we give each other comfort, we show compassion, we show empathy. That's the most beautiful form of love there is. To another, it says, "You're struggling, but I will not leave you. You're struggling, and I'm here with you, and I love you, and you're not alone." It is a more deep, understanding, profound love.

"...love really is the one thing that can unite, no matter what our belief systems are, no matter what our worldviews are, no matter what we consider ourselves attached to that is greater than us, we can all attach to love as something greater than us."

I hope it all came across with this chapter. Love isn't just something you feel. It's providing consistent help and a stable relationship in whatever way you can that's appropriate for that relationship (familiar, friend, partner, etc.) because that will show them you'll be there. That's also why some of the strongest romantic pairings start as friendships.

We're set up for the friendship in this story to start strengthening into something more, so if you're here for the romance, it'll be kicking in soon!

Comments are always appreciated, and remember to be more than a fair weather friend to those that mean something to you, and especially if they would be there when you need them. -Delta