"They said you asked to see me."
Peeta looked at the door. Katniss was there, watching him with hesitation in her eyes, as if she didn't know if she was allowed to come into the room.
He threw her one of his boyish smiles, the one that was just for her, but she didn't reciprocate with one of hers, the one that was just for him. Once he did smile at her, her expression revealed a mixture of shock and unsettlement, and she moved inside the room to remove her jacket and put her purse on the small table in the corner.
Shit, he must be looking as awful as he felt to get such a reaction from her.
She was different too. He had expected that; he knew five or six years had passed that he couldn't remember. Her long, curly hair had been cut at shoulders' level and was straightened, something he had never seen in her. She looked exhausted too, but it did nothing to erase her good looks.
"You look so beautiful," he whispered in awe.
"They say you lost your memory," she stated, staring intently at her purse on the table.
"That's what they told me," he replied, suddenly feeling like a scared child. "I don't know. They'll still run more tests."
She looked at him with compassion.
"And how do you feel?" she asked softly.
"Really bad," he said with a faint chuckle. "But I'm better now that you're here."
She looked at him, her eyes full of something that now looked like disappointment. "You didn't tell me you were going to be admitted to surgery," she scolded, though not too harshly. "I didn't even know you had a problem."
Peeta looked at her in silence, not knowing exactly what to say.
"I saw the document," she continued. "I saw you signed it. Yet you didn't say anything."
"I signed a document?"
"You did, and the doctor told me you were well aware this was very high risk. That was selfish from you."
Shit, so this was why Katniss was acting so strange. She was mad at him, and for good reason. Peeta couldn't understand why he hadn't told her something so important and potentially life-altering. He was sure he had been trying to avoid worrying her too much, but he wouldn't suggest that. He couldn't remember, and he had vowed to always tell Katniss his absolute truth.
"I'm really sorry," he mumbled, overcome with confusion and shame.
When she didn't reply, he patted the side of his bed and opened his arms. "Kat, come here."
She approached him hesitantly. He was terribly remorseful for failing her, but he wasn't going to let her - or himself - think too much about it for now. He felt so tired, so dehydrated, in so much pain. He needed her so much.
She was caught in surprise, his strong arm holding her waist, his fingers cupping her cheek. He sat her on the bed and pressed their lips together, her bottom lip between his own. She didn't resist, and he concluded she wasn't that mad, after all.
"You look so beautiful," he whispered against her mouth. "Your hair..."
It was when he tried to deepen the kiss and his tongue brushed against hers that all came to an abrupt end. Katniss stood up, composing her clothes and giving him a disgusted look.
Peeta felt self conscious. Did he smell bad? He probably did. He couldn't remember the last time he had a shower or brushed his teeth.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled again, confused. She had never reacted at him this way.
"They asked me not to tell you anything, but this - This is too much. This can never happen again," Katniss snapped.
Peeta felt the blood pulsing in his head, the pain sharper than before. Something was up; his Kat was not acting like herself. Her facial expressions scared him.
Suddenly she was pale, compromised, looking like she had lost the resolve to speak.
"Tell me what?" Peeta asked.
"Just... Forget it."
He couldn't forget. He knew something was terribly wrong. "Am I dying?" he insisted, trying to search for clues in his mind. "Is it cancer?"
"No, Peeta," she replied, making an effort to speak calmly. "The doctor said your tumor was benign."
"Then I don't understand," he mumbled. "I'm so confused, Kat. I don't know anything. Is my memory not coming back ever, is that it?"
She exhaled loudly and tears welled in her eyes. Peeta felt his heart thumping in his ears when she held his frail hand, trying to muster the courage to speak.
"Peeta," she began gently, her voice trembling with emotion. "We're no longer together."
His gaze met hers, confusion flickering in his head. "What does that mean?"
"We're separated. We've been for a long time."
Peeta gulped and felt his cheeks turn red. It was a joke, right? It had to be. But he knew Katniss wouldn't joke about something so serious, especially not when he was in pain. His heart sank; the whole world seemed to shatter in that moment.
"No," he replied.
"It's true."
He felt his eyes burning with tears and gulped loudly, trying to swallow the pain in his chest. His body wanted to curl up in a ball. His organs seemed to fail him all of a sudden: he couldn't breathe, he felt nauseated, his vision was unfocused. He was sure he was going to die.
At last he could master a semblance of dignity amidst his internal chaos.
"How long?"
"Almost four years," Katniss said, very matter-of-fact, her eyes no longer glassy.
Peeta exhaled shakily. "I don't understand."
She didn't reply, but he noticed she was still holding his trembling hand. She was shaking as well, and he squeezed her hand reassuringly. They could fix the problem, whatever it was.
"Divorced?" he asked fearfully.
She shook her head and spoke quickly, as if she needed to give him an explanation. "Not yet. We're still legally married for insurance purposes. And for the bakery."
He nodded as he processed the information, but then shook his head. "I don't understand."
"What do you mean?"
"Why did it end?"
She lowered her eyes and studied his frail, thin hand. "I don't know."
"Something must have happened," he whispered. "What was it?"
"I don't know, Peeta. It was life. We simply grew apart."
She made it seem so simplistic and matter-of-fact it scared him. Surely his Katniss wouldn't give up on him. They had the best marriage he had ever heard of. They had nurtured each other's needs from the very beginning. She knew absolutely everything about him, there had never been any reason to hold back, they loved each other's flaws. He knew for a fact she loved him dearly. How could she lose it?
"I don't want to be separated from you," he whispered, a lonely tear rolling down his face.
"I know," she said. "I know, but you'll get used to it."
"You don't want me anymore?" he asked dejectedly, like a child, but there was also a hint of accusation in his voice.
"Wouldn't it be awkward if I wanted my ex husband?" she reasoned with him, trying to smile.
Her answer did nothing to calm his anxiety. She was trying to divert him. The Katniss he knew, at first his lover, then his girlfriend, eventually his wife, she would speak her truth even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear, and she had always tried to do it in a way that accommodated him. Was that Katniss still there? He couldn't find her in that new behavior.
"No, it wouldn't. I'm still your husband."
And he was. She had confirmed there had been no divorce. But she shook her head. The message was clear: she didn't consider him her husband anymore.
He could feel his breathing become more ragged and soon enough he was hyperventilating.
"You need to calm down," Katniss pleaded. "You're convalescing."
"Why didn't we fix things, Kat?"
Katniss gave him a sad smile. "Maybe it was beyond repair."
Maybe. Not even a concrete answer. He shook his head again. "I don't believe it for a second."
Katniss sighed and traced small, soothing circles on his skin. "I know it must be difficult," she breathed. Peeta clung to the small gesture of affection. He was sure they could still make it better. Unless...
"Do you have someone?" he asked.
A small frown appeared on Katniss' face and his jaw clenched, scared as he was of her answer. He could see she was annoyed, but he had the right to know.
"You mean a boyfriend? We agreed to never discuss those things with each other."
"Please."
Katniss sighed. "No, Peeta. I don't have a boyfriend."
Both of them knew it wasn't enough of an answer. Not having a serious relationship with another man didn't mean she wasn't seeing others or testing the waters, or that there hadn't been a man, or men, after him. The idea brought a sharp pain to his gut. A beautiful woman like Katniss must attract lots of guys to begin with, and she had a loving personality. Peeta was sure she had plenty of choice. But if by her own account she wasn't in a committed relationship, it at least gave him hope.
He squeezed her hand, and for a small moment he believed he felt her squeezing his hand too.
"I don't know if you have someone," she told him in a whisper. "You may have."
Peeta chuckled awkwardly, with a voice he didn't know he possessed. Was Katniss out of her mind? How could she think that? "You know I don't."
She smiled sadly. "I don't know anything about you anymore."
And then her hand left his. She looked detached, dismissive, her body language moving miles away from him at each passing second. He felt hot tears rolling down his face again. This was his worst nightmare, being abandoned by the woman he loved above everything else, the only person in the world he was sure had ever loved him. What was left for him then?
"Peeta," she said. "This not something that we can change. I mean, we're not enemies, but we're not friends either. You wouldn't be exactly thrilled to see me here if you were in your right mind."
Not even friends. Peeta couldn't believe what he was hearing. She was standing, her whole body shaking, ready to flee, looking at his tears with annoyance.
"Why did you come here at all?" he spat. He truly wanted to know. He didn't mean to sound so accusatory, and he regretted it immediately. "I'm sorry. I love you so much, Katniss. I don't want to be away from you. We can fix it. Please."
Katniss looked at him for a few more seconds with an unreadable expression before she glanced at the clock. She then turned her back to him, put her jacket on and grabbed her purse.
"I really have to go now. I'll come back later."
There, she was leaving already. How long had she been with him, ten minutes? That's what he was worth for her. That was the new status quo.
It still seemed like a nightmare. She didn't want him, so he decided he wasn't going to beg, even though he really wanted to. He would respect her wishes and let her go.
After that, Peeta didn't know what was real or not. Everything slowed down. He watched the love of his life as she walked out of the room. He didn't ask her to stay, but he tried to get out of bed, ripping his catheter and wires in the process. His legs didn't respond well, and he fell from bed, head down, landing right in his suture. It was the deepest pain he ever felt, even though he was numb. The next thing he knew, Katniss was back, sitting close to him on the floor, holding him in her arms, babying him. It made him feel strangely happy. But she didn't look happy, she was screaming for help. He watched in a haze as a bunch of doctors or nurses - or doctors and nurses - rushed into the room. He saw Katniss crying, repeating incoherent words and being ushered away. He didn't want her to go, because deep down he knew she wouldn't come back. He watched as a nurse poured something into his vein and told him to calm down. That he was okay.
When he woke up it was dark outside. The room was filled with an artificial light that caused him to squint.
He looked around. Katniss wasn't there.
He was alone.
She had abandoned him in a hospital room on the worst day of his life.