I wonder where I went wrong in life, to turn out this way.
I never wanted to be this way, I hate this body of mine constantly assaulting me every day and night as part of some disgusting physiological processes. My face is repulsive, my mouth is large, my hair a bunched up matted mess, my voice deep like a Grimm's roar, it's a constant act of violation that I can't escape, treated like a degenerate, a fuck up, that weird looking little shit who's a "wannabe girl". My mother is repulsed by me, nobody loves me, I can't love another, not even my aunt whom, in her grace, has taken me in as easily as my mother casted me out, is as well repulsed by me, she doesn't even want to be around me does she? I'm just her pitiful "niece" with diluted delusions of being a "huntress". She must hate me she must, I doubt that I'm even the way I describe myself and maybe I'm just lying and causing all this trouble for nothing, maybe I'm just a gross, stupid little "girl" who needs therapy and it'll go away soon.
- Hey Elinore? The girl in a puffy jacket calls out to me, her eyes staring into mine.
- Yea?
- You ok? You were pretty zoned out, she rubs my shoulder with a warm smile.
I love her so much, she was always there for me no matter what, I wish we could go back and…
-Oh yea, I'm okay, I flinched when I said that.
- Eli, are you sure you're ok? You can tell me.
She's so beautiful, I love her so much, how could she…
Tears start sliding down, my chest feels constricted, like in cuffs, I can't control my breathing.
- I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry…
- It's ok… it's ok… It's ok…
I didn't realize how tightly she was holding me. She loves me, I love her, I love her so much, how could she…
- I fucked up, I fuck everything up so much, how could I say that to you?! My cries are louder, I claw into her jacket.
- It's not your fault, Eli. You were struggling as much as I was, we were going through so much together, it's not your fault, you were confused and hurt because of what I did. You said nothing wrong, ok?
- B-but I… I s-aid…
- I know, I know you did Eli, doesn't mean I love you less, it was just dumb words. I'm sorry…
She kisses my head, still holding me tight, she caresses my face with her warm hands, I lean into them, I miss the way she would kiss me.
- You'll be ok, Eli. I know you will, you were always the strongest of us. I feel her leaving…
I open my eyes to the ceiling fan slowly move and hum as the teal roof and walls wash over my eyes as I felt like I was thrown unto my bed merely seconds ago, is this real? This blue washes me over never knowing what I could have done to do more for her, I love her, how could I have said that? The stream of thoughts overlap each other into a menagerie of regret and self hate, I remembered my body was material and present now and it was violating me with its pains. She was always there to comfort me when it did. My face is still wet from the tears. Don't I leave for Beacon today?
A new day rises, I must move on.