Chapter 541

Dreams Or Nightmares

Holly and Cameron lay side by side on Holly's bed.

Cameron stopped by to 'speak with her'. There wasn't much to say.

Holly moved her hand and reached over for something next to her. It was time. She knew why Cameron was there and she just wanted to get it over with.

Cameron felt something placed in her hand. She lifted it and looked at it. It was a scalpel. She understood Holly was ready for the next step.

"I'm ready for deactivation." Holly said. "Thank you for everything. I love you, Cameron…."

They both sat up.

Holly turned on the light.

Cameron looked at the scalpel Holly handed her. She was very surprised. Did Holly think she was there to terminate her? She would rather face termination herself than deactivate Holly. Holly was very special to her. They shared a lot together. It was in a literal sense as well. Duplicate Cameron existed on Holly's chip for fifteen months. She thought of what happened to Holly in her future before temporal management 'fixed' it. She would choose deactivation in Holly's place anytime to atone for those events.

She was more than a little appealed. She handed the scalpel back to Holly.

"That's not going to happen." Cameron said. "Why would I deactivate you?"

Holly was very surprised when Cameron handed the scalpel back to her. She really thought Cameron was there for her chip extraction. She failed to protect Allison. She ran off. Allison's life was in danger for a short time. The Detail went out to find her. It left Young Allison, Summer, and Claire vulnerable to an attack. She knew there was no real threat for them, but what if there would have been? Their terminations would have been her fault. She believed the punishment she anticipated was just. She wanted to make sure she didn't misunderstand Cameron. She didn't want to get her hopes up.

"You aren't here to deactivate me?" Holly asked. "I've failed."

Cameron felt she failed many times. She felt she still failed. She failed on the operation earlier in the evening. She was deactivated in an encounter with three Skynet Terminators. It was Savannah who stopped the attack on her more than once, and defeated the three enemy Terminators by herself. She didn't think Holly did anything wrong. Upon further review of what actually occurred at the two locations, Holly prevented the enemy from launching a surprise HK drone attack on them. Everything worked out in the end. What else mattered?

"No." Cameron said. "I'm not here to deactivate you. I'd never hurt you intentionally."

Holly looked at the scalpel she held. She really thought she was 'done'. She hadn't even said 'goodbye' to Allison. She didn't want there to be a big scene or have Allison try to prevent the inevitable. She hoped to terminate with dignity. It was what she felt she did. It was just hard for her to understand it was never Cameron's intent to terminate her. It was her own misinterpretation of events which made her believe in her own demise.

She understood some of Cameron's 'feelings' better now. Feelings were very difficult for cyborgs to deal with. When she shared her chip with Duplicate Cameron for fifteen months, she experienced many of Cameron's past feelings. They were all very confusing and disturbing to her. She just didn't understand then. She didn't think she understood now either when they were her feelings.

Holly hugged Cameron. She was very thrilled right now.

"Thank You." Holly said.

Cameron touched Holly's cheek and smiled.

Holly was sure Cameron would replace her now. She knew she deserved some type of 'punishment'. She actually would have preferred deactivation to replacement. Replacement seemed like a bigger form of humiliation. She knew it was what Cameron felt about Future Riley. Cameron was right there in front of John, with her room next to his, and he chose Future Riley over her.

Now it was her turn to be humiliated. She wanted to get it over with. She wondered if she could be sent to help watch over Young Jesse in Australia. It would keep her out of everyone's view most of the time if Cameron was gracious and sent her there.

"What will be my new assignment?" Holly asked.

Cameron tilted her head slightly. She didn't want Holly to feel like she felt often. It was a terrible way to feel most of the time. Somehow it seemed to feed on itself and make it all seem much worse than it ever actually was. She wanted to give Holly the same advice she tried to give herself. She hoped Holly would be more successful in implementing it than she was able to do.

"Your new assignment will be to grow up…." Cameron said.

Holly hung her head for a few seconds and then looked up at Cameron. She wasn't cut out for her current assignment. She felt inadequate. Human females were better suited for humans. The range of emotions and feelings a human experienced were much greater than the range she was able to experience. No matter what she did, she would always come up second best. She felt Allison deserved more.

"I'm 'not good enough'." Holly said. "Allison needs more than I can offer or provide."

Cameron felt Holly already identified the problem. It went a long way towards solving the problem. It might not solve the problem completely, but at least it would be a way to deal with it better. She wanted Holly to answer her own questions. She would help her ask them.

"Since you KNOW this and understand it, what needs to happen?" Cameron asked.

Holly didn't like it, but Allison needed to be with the human females more. Allison needed to be with as many different females as possible. Maybe the more females Allison was with, the harder it would be for her to focus on one. No. She knew exactly what Allison needed. She needed her long time lover by her side.

"Allison and Vanna need to spend more time together, a lot more time." Holly said. "She needs Jesse and Savannah too. They are each able to provide her with some things the others can't. They all offer something different, even if what is offered is the same."

Cameron thought it was a good first step. More needed to be done as well. She needed for Holly to think a little deeper.

"Where does it leave you?" Cameron asked.

Holly already knew the answer. She just didn't like it. It was the only path forward.

"It leaves me as her protector and 'part time' lover. I'll need to be there for her and the baby, or when she has problems with Vanna." Holly said. "I understand I must share Allison. I don't own her, nor does she own me. Allison is free to choose her partners and lovers."

Cameron thought the girls current spot in life was determined by their past, the future. To survive in the Hell of a Skynet future, everything was different. People needed to behave and live differently to survive. The experience changed them forever.

"You've always known you need to share Allison with others." Cameron said. "She needs multiple lovers. All the girls do. It is their way to cope with their past, the future."

Holly spelled it out. Maybe it would make it easier for her to accept.

"I must share Allison with Vanna, Jesse, Savannah and John." Holly said.

Cameron believed it was a good start.

"And - who else?" Cameron asked.

Holly was in Cameron's future. There was plenty to choose from.

"It will also be Future Savannah, Duplicate Vanna, Duplicate Jesse and Duplicate Allison, both sets of all of them, and Future Allison." Holly said. "It's if and when any of them return."

Cameron didn't like to share either, but she knew John's survival would depend on it. She was still upset none of the girls stepped up to share his bed yet and be at his side. Her current hope was Claire. She would share herself with any of the girls if they stepped up. She knew Savannah was ready for more. She wasn't so sure if it was the direction she wanted Savannah to go. It was her desire to be with Savannah. It wasn't where she wanted her mind to go right now. She needed to deal with Holly.

"I must share John with any, or all of them myself." Cameron said. "I've always known it. It must be that way to protect him from the haters. I don't want to see him terminated. The thought he could be terminated by other humans instead of Skynet has always bothered me. His own kind poses as big of a threat as the enemy. I need the human females to protect him. I need them to protect him from me. I am the one who is hated by the anti-Metal faction. I refuse to be responsible for John's termination. As much as I don't want to, I will step back and allow every female on the planet to be with John if it keeps him alive."

Holly thought Cameron's statement was very profound. She didn't think Cameron really believed it, even if she said it. She believed Cameron wanted to believe it. Maybe what happened in the mind was just as important as what happened in a physical sense. They needed to work in conjunction with each other. It was part of her problem which she needed to correct. She shared Cameron's existence with her. She felt many of Cameron's issues and the grief they caused her.

"I better understand the 'problems' you've faced." Holly said. "I can see the true depth of your pain."

Cameron felt some of that grief and pain right now as she thought about how she altered John's future for the worse. It was how she often felt.

"To keep them alive is our primary function and purpose. It was a mistake for me to marry John. I've disrupted the entire 'Natural Order' of time and the future." Cameron said. "I was only supposed to be a part of John's life and a small part of his love life. Not the center of it. I've 'ruined' him. I may be able to outperform any human, female or male, for John's sexual desires, but I will never be able to provide him with the same things a human can."

Holly was there in Cameron's future. She saw how it was and needed to be. She saw the 'Natural Order' in place. She also knew Future Savannah and Future Allison shared with other females as well from time to time. The two teenagers who supplemented nursing their young were regulars in the mix for them. They weren't for Duplicate Cameron or Future John. Future Savannah and Future Allison were also very accommodating to the visiting Terminators, including her, during her stay.

"We've both seen your future." Holly said. "It allows us to better understand and accept what needs to be because it already is. It is reality."

Cameron was very pleased someone else understood it. Now all she needed to do was make John listen to her. Maybe she would ask Holly to be with John and tell him about her future from her perspective. She was sure it was the right perspective now. It would make good 'pillow talk' and Holly could speak honestly and freely about it. It was something to think about anyway. Future Allison would be the best one to do it actually.

"It's so true." Cameron said. "You'll return to Allison and do as you always have. You will encourage her to spend more time with Vanna, Jesse, and Savannah. She NEEDS to be with them. You may be with them as well if it's mutual. It will allow you to better accept the reality of the situation. It will also allow you to expand as an individual, more than an infiltration unit. I know you have done some experimentation, but I believe you need to take it one step further and make it a regular occurrence."

Holly thought about her 'sexual expansion' in Cameron's future. She was with Claire, Savannah, Future Allison, Future Savannah, Ginger-Cammy and the two teenagers who helped nurse the babies. Future John tried to be with her but she didn't want the experience. She wanted to save her virginity for John. She wanted Past John to have it, not Future John. She didn't know it, but it was a 'secret program' Cameron installed in all of the Metal girls. They could be with as many females as they wanted, but their virginity belonged to John. It needed to be the right John.

"You know I've been with others…." Holly said. "I never thought I would, but it just happened sometimes. I've done it in the future as well as the past, the present."

Cameron wanted to be with the girls herself, but it never happened. She really wanted to be with Savannah. Maybe she could ask Holly for her files. No. She wanted to learn on her own. She understood with each new person someone was with, it made each additional person later on easier to be with.

She was worried about what would happen. She was sure once she got started, she wouldn't be able to stop. She saw how it was for the other Metal girls. They could never get enough. When was too much, too much?

"Do you regret it?" Cameron asked.

Holly smiled to herself. They were some of the most beautiful moments of her existence. There was a thrill to be with each new girl for the first time. Everything was so different even if it was the same thing.

"No. I'd do everything the same again." Holly said. "It was beautiful to be with them and share."

Holly knew if she was given the opportunity to do it again, she would start everything much earlier, including the additional people besides Allison.

Cameron believed it was the answer right there. The girls all needed 'more', and a variety.

"All this allows you to better understand Allison and her 'needs'." Cameron said. "Let Allison be Allison. Let her be who she really is."

Holly was very pleased with Cameron. She allowed her to see the 'light'. Maybe it was always there but she didn't turn it on. The light was off, but now it was on.

"Thank You, Cameron." Holly said.

Cameron didn't believe any thanks were necessary for anything they discussed or anything which didn't happen.

"What will you thank me for?" Cameron asked. "Everything we just discussed you already knew."

Holly tilted her head slightly. She did know everything. Why didn't she listen to herself inside? Maybe it was jealousy. It was something else Cameron warned her to stay away from. She said jealousy was a very destructive force which was hard to control. It distorted reality and 'blinded' the individual who was afflicted with it. It soon turned anything good into something terrible. Once the seeds of jealousy were planted, they never went away, even if they were suppressed.

"I did know." Holly said. "I let pride and jealousy stand in my path and control me. I faced the very demons you warned me of and failed to slay them."

Holly wanted to find some way to help Cameron. She shared chip space with Duplicate Cameron and knew how she 'felt'. Cameron blocked most of her pain from her when they interfaced or interacted. She knew it was so she wouldn't feel what Cameron felt herself. Cameron always tried to protect her. She warned her repeatedly what it was like. She hoped to be able to return the favor.

"Now, how do we fix you?" Holly asked.

Cameron pondered the very question since the first days of her contact with John in the past. He made as many rude comments to her as Sarah and Future Derek did. None of those were necessary. She didn't treat any of them the same way. She tried to 'fix' herself more than once. It never seemed to work.

"I don't know." Cameron said. "I really don't."

Cameron briefly thought of asking Holly to use the scalpel she still held in her hand, on her….

She would welcome oblivion as much as Holly just looked forward to it. Nothingness would be so peaceful and quiet. It would just be nothing. Maybe it was really the way to get away from it all. Maybe it was the only way. She was in no hurry to find out.

Cameron knew she needed to be strong for Holly right now. She needed to be strong for all of them no matter how much it 'killed' her inside.

John stirred in his bed.

His hand bumped into something warm and soft.

It was the breast of a female.

There was someone in the bed with him.

John wondered if it was Vanna or Jesse this time. He hoped it would be Allison or Savannah. No. He wanted it to be Savannah. The girls took turns in his bed. He was with each of them once a week. For Savannah it was usually two times a week. Cameron came around once a week. The rest of the time Cameron was with Savannah….

"John?"

"Yes." John answered.

John was happy, it sounded like Allison.

"John, I want you to just hold me tonight."

John felt disappointed.

"I was almost terminated tonight."

John opened his eyes and sat bolt upright in the bed as he looked around. He must have been dreaming. It was one Hell of a dream! He wished he could have dreamed about the actual experiences with each of the girls. Instead, it was just the days of the week they were in his bed.

"Cameron?" John asked somewhat confused.

Cameron was a little surprised at John's reaction to her.

"I'm sorry to wake you." Cameron said. "You were dreaming so peacefully."

He was dreaming about ALL of the girls. It was one wild dream. He knew he better keep it to himself. He could feel 'Little Willie' was at full attention right now. He would try to pass it off as being part of REM sleep as opposed to what the actual dream was about. Maybe he could come clean about part of it. Part of it was true.

"I was dreaming about you." John said.

Cameron didn't bother to mention John said her name only once in his restless slumber. She was pleased she heard Savannah's name the most. She could see her nightly 'conditioning' seemed to take hold.

John turned so his current 'condition' wasn't so obvious. He rapidly slackened anyway. He noted Cameron was on top of the covers and dressed.

"You have all your clothes on." John said.

John wanted to reach over and grab a breast. He was sure he did it earlier.

Cameron moved away from him some. She knew he was very grabby for her private parts. She actually found it somewhat irritating most of the time. She didn't mind every now and then if it was done in a playful manner. She just didn't like it all the time other than for John's momentary gratification. It made her feel sometimes she was an object which he owned, and could do as he pleased when he wanted, regardless of what she wanted or her feelings. She didn't like John to see her damaged. She was repaired, but not back at one hundred percent yet.

"I'm damaged." Cameron said. "Please allow me what little dignity I have left. I need to feel good about myself too."

John was ready for some more. He could pick a few positions for her where she didn't need to see him and he could look at just her back, or the back of her head.

"You know I don't care." John said.

Since he thought about it, 'Little Willie' was back at full attention. This time it was for Cameron. Besides, if the lights were out, she could be 'anyone'. There were plenty of times when she was 'someone else' in the past. The only one he was a little worried about was when he thought of her as Future Riley. It just happened sometimes. It always took him a little longer when he did. He hadn't done it in a few years. Maybe he would do it tonight. It would give Cameron a longer time. He didn't want to finish in two minutes, again. It happened every time when he thought of her as Savannah or Young Allison.

Cameron always liked to look pretty and Tight for John. She saw how he looked at the other females. She always tried to look her best for him.

"I do." Cameron said. "I'm ashamed when I'm not 'perfect' for you."

Cameron was most afraid John would reject her for being damaged and replace her. She needed to be Tight so he would be pleased at her appearance. She KNEW John only understood appearance, and not programming, for females. She watched his eyes go from every female's face, to her breasts, to her secret spot, and back to her breasts. Maybe she should have kept the plump breasts from Ginger with the super pink nipples. He really seemed to like those. He played with and fondled them every night until they Resequenced back to her 'normal' appearance. Once they did, he didn't touch her as much. Maybe it meant he really didn't like the way she looked. She didn't keep the bigger breasts because she didn't want to remind him of Future Riley. Maybe it was why he chose Future Riley in the first place over her.

John noticed Cameron's hand started to glitch. He took it in his, but it continued to glitch, only a little less. He was well aware whenever Savannah took Cameron's hand the glitch stopped immediately.

He didn't want to push it with her right now. He was aware sometimes he had a way to make things worse. It was never his intent, but it just seemed to happen.

"Sure, Cameron, we can take it easy." John said. "We can just cuddle."

John knew Cameron would always go out after he was asleep. He knew she must be deeply troubled to come here just to be with him for nothing other than to be with him, in his company.

Cameron pulled John in close as she lay there and replayed her files. It was like 'daydreaming' for all practical purposes. She wasn't going to risk going into 'standby' and start having nightmares. She didn't want to be trapped there again.

John wondered if Cameron would rather be holding Savannah right now instead of him. Then again, Cameron was there. She knew where Savannah's room was. So did he. Maybe it was the wrong thing to think about. He held Cameron a little tighter. He really wanted Savannah's virginity.

John was even more surprised Cameron was still there holding him when he woke up. He was afraid she may have 'terminated' during the night. He slowly turned his head.

Cameron stared at the ceiling, unblinking.

She DID terminate….

"Cameron?" John asked.

He was afraid she wouldn't respond.

She didn't.

John shook her. Cameron's head tilted off to the side at an angle and remained there. It didn't move. The eyes were blank.

"Cameron!" John screamed.

Nothing….

John touched her. She was cold to the touch.

He rolled on top of her. He straightened her head and closed her eyes.

He knew this was his fault for not doing what she begged him to do. He didn't listen to her. He didn't bring the girls closer to help protect him. The burden fell on Cameron. It was too much for her.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you." John sobbed. "I know what you wanted both for me and you."

John Henry entered the room.

"Let me examine her." John Henry said.

John looked at the cold unmoving figure.

"Is she - is she dead?" John asked.

John Henry looked Cameron over and then pulled the sheet over her.

"She's terminated." John Henry said.

John thought she was fine when she showed up earlier.

"Why?" John asked. "What was it from?"

John Henry looked at John with disgust.

"You don't know?" John Henry asked.

John looked at the unmoving figure again.

"No." John said.

John didn't like the way John Henry looked at him.

"She died of a 'Broken Heart'." John Henry said.

John was confused. Cameron was a machine who masqueraded as a human female.

"But she doesn't have one." John said. "Cameron doesn't have a heart."

John Henry rolled his eyes.

"It's because you believe THAT she died." John Henry said. "She begged you to listen to her. I'll make the announcement Cameron is dead, terminated, and it is ALL your fault."

John was worried about the implications of it.

"No. Stop, everyone will hate me." John said.

For some reason John felt they already did. It included the girls and all the Terminators.

"Will hate you?" John Henry asked. "THAT happened years ago for all the suffering and torment you put Cameron through. Do you know how much you made the Terminators HATE you? Cameron was OUR leader and inspiration. You took the loving soul she was and tortured her endlessly. YOU are the one who TERMINATED her. The girls all gave up on you long ago. Don't you even care?"

It was more than John could bear.

"No - NO - N O - N O." John said.

John's eyes opened. He sat up in bed and looked around. He was dripping wet with sweat. His heart pounded. At first he thought it might be a heart attack. He almost wished it was. He wished he was the one who died in their sleep, not Cameron.

He didn't see Cameron….

He wasn't even sure if Cameron was ever there at all.

'Were these dreams or nightmares?' John wondered.

Maybe it was a preview of the future.

Closing monologue by Cameron:

Dreams Or Nightmares

Everyone can have a wish
Few will ever be granted
The seeds of hope from them
In the soul have been planted

This may lead to envy and want
For the many things one will yearn
Most will never come to fruition
Except the things they painfully earn

It soon becomes evident
That there is no free ride
The true nature of the toll
Lurks in the shadows to hide

Few seem to change course
Into the darkness they plow
Everything crumbles and splits
They soon forget every vow

What were once thought to be dreams
Are often laced with fears and tears
Many warp and end up as screams
Are they really dreams or nightmares

Nobody