There should be no onions present to cause tears in this chapter you'll be pleased to know Hol! Enjoy!
The alarm went off, its shriek ringing pulling Jess and Dan from sleep. Jess sleepily felt along her bedside cabinet, searching for the damn thing. Her hand felt purchase and the alarm cut out. She rolled onto her back, rubbing her eyes gently. Today, two months after Luke's funeral, both her and Dan were returning to work. In a way, she couldn't wait to get back into the thick of it, but then she just wanted to keep mourning for her son in private.
"Are you ready?" Dan asked quietly, taking Jess' hand in his.
"I don't know. How about you?" Jess asked, turning to face Dan.
He shrugged, "It'll be nice to have some kind of normality I guess."
"I guess so." Jess said, pulling her hand away from Dan and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, looking at the picture of Luke on her night stand before getting ready.
Jess settled into her seat at the back of the briefing room. A few people had seen her and offered their condolences but said how nice it was to see her back, but their words just bounced off. Jess had smiled at them all and thanked them, but it didn't mean anything. Callum, Smithy and Gina walked into the room, all of them taking the time to smile at Jess. Jess smiled back gratefully.
"Right you lot, quiet!" Gina shouted over the din, "Now, first can I welcome back Jess. These past few months must have been extremely hard for you, and on behalf of the station I would like to say again how sorry we are. But also welcome back."
Everyone turned and smiled at Jess; she shrank back in her chair but smiled weakly back.
"Right, now we just need to keep up our presence around the estates after the murder of Bobby O'Donoghue last week. So PC Gayle and PC Roberts, I'd like you on foot patrol around the Mayweed Estate. PC Armstrong and PC Stamp, in a patrol car supporting Ben and Nate. PC Green and PC Waite I'd like you to come see me, and PC Ryder and PC Fletcher on foot patrol on the Albourne. The rest of you see Sergeant Stone for your duties." Smithy read off the list, dismissing everyone with a nod and a smile.
"PC Waite, sorry can I have a word before I see you and Beth please?" Gina shouted over everyone.
"Sure, Beth, wait for me here?" Jess asked Beth as she went by. Beth nodded, looking between Jess and Gina before leaving the room. "Yes ma'am?"
"What you told me at the hospital..." Gina said, leading Jess to her office and shutting the door behind them, going to sit behind her desk.
"I never said anything about it." Jess said quietly, sitting in the chair Gina offered.
"Jess, you're a police officer, you've seen what men like him do to their victims. How many of them have to flee their family and friends. How the violence escalated." There was a pause, "How many of them are murdered." Gina said softly.
"Inspector Gold, believe me I know all of that. I have worked my fair share of DV cases. But," and she hesitatated, trying to think of the words, "I love him and I need him now more than ever. Now that Luke is gone, Dan is all I have of him. That probably doesn't even make sense, and I know if I met a woman with the same circumstances as mine I would be urging her to seek help and get the courage to leave. But I just can't right now. I'm not ready. Now please, could you just forget I said anything and let me do my job?" Jess begged.
"Jess, as my police officer I have a duty to make sure that you're ok and fit for duty..." Gina said slowly.
"And I've told you I'm fine. Please ma'am, I just want to forget it all." Jess pleaded, her face crumbling.
Gina nodded quickly, "Ok, fine. But I will be keeping a close eye on you. And Dan."
Jess nodded, "Understood."
"Good, now if you want to get Beth, CID has an undercover operation for you both." Gina said, "I wasn't sure if you wanted to be thrown in the deep end on your first day back, but you and Beth are the best ones for it. If at any point it's too much and you want taking off, you let me know straight away, no questions asked."
"Oh ok then." Jess said, confused. She opened the door to Gina's office, calling Beth in.
"Right you two..."Gina began, filling them in on everything.
Jess sat down on Dan's desk.
"You ok honey?" he asked, looking up at her troubled face.
"I don't know. I've just been asked to do an undercover op with Beth." Jess began, fiddling with her wedding ring.
"Right, what will you be doing?" Dan asked, his heart beating slightly quicker. It always worried him when she went on undercover ops.
"We had a young girl come to us a week ago worried about her sister. The girl, Meg, said that her sister Jade had become withdrawn and would go out really early in the morning and wouldn't tell Meg where she was going. Meg followed her one time to what looked like an abandoned house. Inside there were just over ten people, Jade being one of them. Meg was watching as they pulled out a gun, loaded one bullet into it, and placed it on the table. She thinks her sister is playing Russian roulette." Jess said worriedly.
"Russian roulette?" Dan asked, confused.
"Yeah, where you load a gun with one bullet, spin the cylinder, and each person takes turns placing the muzzle against their head and pulling the trigger." Jess said, a look of sadness on her face.
"They commit suicide?" Dan asked, shocked.
"Yep. It happens a lot in the USA. But surprisingly it's becoming more common over here. Some see it as brave, some see it as reckless, others see it as an adrenaline rush, knowing that if they pull the trigger they could die." Jess said, wondering about the kind of headspace someone would have to be in to take part.
"And can they get arrested for it?" Dan asked, tapping his pen against the table.
"Well, they potentially could on a few grounds. Firstly, if they don't have a gun licence, they can be done for that. If someone does die, we could get them for manslaughter. And then if someone does die, what do they do with the body? It could be classed as illegal gambling. We'd have to arrest them while we investigate and bring the charges to you to ultimately decide. But the Inspector spoke to Meg herself, and she said that she was in tears, worried that her sister was going to blow her brains out." Jess said, stretching her legs in front of her.
"Hang on, and you're going undercover?" Dan asked incredulously.
Jess nodded, "Yeah. The techies are going to take Jade's laptop, figure out how she found out about the group, and then we can go in the same way. Then when we're in, we'll go along, and try to stop it from happening."
"You're putting yourself at risk for the sake of some people who might actually want to die?" Dan asked, getting to his feet.
"But they might not want to die. They could be mentally ill, they might not have thought through the true consequences of their actions. And Meg wants her sister back." Jess said, placing her hand over Dan's. "It's just like any other undercover job I've done."
"The last one you were on you got hit by a car and was in hospital for three weeks!" Dan said, his voice rising.
"Dan, please keep your voice down. Listen, I need to do it ok? And I'm not letting Beth do it on her own. Now I need to go upstairs, CID needs to brief us fully. I'll see you later." Jess said with a small smile, leaning forward and brushing her lips against his.
As she shut the door, Dan banged his fists on the table before sinking into his chair, his head in his hands, worried for his wife.
Jess and Beth were sat up in the CID briefing room with Max, Neil, Callum, Gina and Stevie. Beth had been assigned Max as her handler, whereas Jess had Stevie. They were sitting there waiting for Meg so that they could get under way and get signed in to the website that the techies had found. They had just rung Neil to update him with the last message that Jade was sent with a meeting place and a time.
Jess and Beth were to use this website to try and gain access to the group and then once they had been trusted they would hopefully be given a meeting place and a time as well. They were going to be given new names, but they would keep their surnames. Jess was to become Lucy Waite, whereas Beth would be Amy Green.
"Gov, Megan is here. Do you want me to bring her up?" Grace asked, sticking her head round the door.
"Yes please Grace. Thanks." Neil said, with a small smile. "Right you two, are you clear on the types of things you have to say on this website? You know what they're looking for, the best way for them to notice you?"
Jess glanced at Callum, "I think so Gov. We've looked at what other people have said, and obviously what Jade said to get her noticed."
"Yeah, I think we can do it." Beth said with a nod.
Then the door opened and Meg walked in. She was tall with short red hair and clear blue eyes.
"Hi there Meg. How're you?" Neil asked, ushering Meg into a seat.
"Fine thanks. Just want to help as much as I can." Meg said, wringing her hands nervously.
"Good to hear. This is PC's Waite and Green, they will be the undercover officers." Neil said, indicating first Jess and then Beth.
"Hi Meg, nice to meet you. I'm Jess." Jess said, reaching across to shake Meg's hand.
"And I'm Beth." Beth said, smiling.
"Hi. Will you be able to help my sister?" Meg asked, and at that moment she looked a lot younger than her twenty five years.
"We'll try our best." Jess said with a nod.
"Right then. Jess, Beth, the techies will be up in a minute so you can set up accounts and get started. Meg knows where the last meeting place was, but we don't yet know if it's always the same or if it's at the same time." Max said, pressing a button on his laptop so that a picture of the house and of Jade filled the screen, "This is Jade, Meg's sister. And this is the house that she was in when Meg saw them "playing" Russian roulette. Now, we've been outside the house for a few days, and it's owned by this person," Max paused while the next slide of a man came up, "Joseph Miers. He's a thirty five year old alcoholic who was left a widow last year. According to his family, he went downhill when his wife died, and he started seeking adrenaline rush activities to try and cope with his grief. Looks like he's settled on trying to kill himself routinely."
"Are any of these people going to be a danger to Beth and Jess?" Callum asked. Jess had almost forgotten he was there.
Max grimaced, "With all due respect Callum, they know what they've gotten themselves in for. We've risk assessed the op, it wouldn't be going ahead if the risk to life was too great."
"That's all well and good, but this does seem a particularly unpredictable op. At the end of the day, it's up to us to make sure it's safe, that my officers are safe!" Callum retorted, tensing in his seat.
"He does have a point, Max. You told me that they would be ok. They're my officers, I don't want them getting hurt just because you haven't told us something that could hurt them." Gina said, backing up her Sergeant.
"Gina it's fine, I've checked it all. Like I said, it's been risk assessed properly, it's gone through the proper channels. Don't worry, no-one will get hurt." Neil said with a curt nod, ending the conversation, "Ok you two, quickly talk to your handlers, then you've got the rest of the day to spend with Meg gathering as much intel as you can. Then once the techies are here, we'll bring you back for five minutes to sort out your accounts, and then you've got time off while the operation is underway. Good luck, and don't forget to update your handlers anytime something changes." Neil said, walking out the room.
"Right Jess, here's my number. Call me if you need anything or if anything changes. If you just need a chat, give me a ring. I just need to finish off my last bit of paperwork, but then I'll come and find you alright?" Stevie said, handing Jess her card with her number on, and smiling before she followed Neil out the room.
"Beth, the same as Stevie. Ring me when anything changes. Here, my number." Max said, thrusting his card into Beth's outstretched hand. Once he left the room, Jess turned to Beth with a smile.
"Looks like you got your wish." Jess said with a wink.
"What?" Beth asked, feigning confusion.
"DS Carter being your handler? You know what I'm talking about." Jess said, walking out with a laugh.
Later that night, Jess was sitting on the sofa, her legs tucked underneath her, her laptop balanced on her legs. The techies had given her and Beth logins and passwords to the "Already Dead" website. Some of the stuff that Jess had read on there was heartbreaking. These people had had a terrible time of it, but they couldn't talk to anyone or do anything about it. They didn't know what to do, so they joined this site and talked to people in similar situations to them, deciding whether to play Russian roulette, thinking of it all as fate. If the gun fired and killed them, then it was meant to be. If the gun clicked and nothing came out, they were supposed to live. Once people had played it once, they didn't play it again. They didn't want to tempt fate.
Jess logged on to the website, had a mouthful of wine, took a deep breath and started to write down her story.
Hi, my name is Lucy Waite. I'm married and I was a mother, up until two and a half months ago. My son, who was two, died after suffering massive head and internal injuries. My husband was in the house at the time and had been drinking when it happened. When he told me, I was furious, I thought it was his fault. And then when my son died, I couldn't look at my husband. But, I realised it wasn't his fault, and we buried our son two months ago. I haven't been sleeping or eating properly, I don't know how to move on, or even if I ever can. I want to see my son again so badly that I have this constant ache in my heart, but I can't leave my husband on his own. I've heard that people use this to decide their fate, to see if they should live or die. I need an answer. I need to do this to see who needs me more: my son or my husband.
She hit submit and placed the laptop on the sofa next to her. She cradled the wine glass in her hands, taking small sips. This was all very personal, and it was completely true. She had no idea what to do. Since Luke's death, she didn't know if she wanted to crawl into the Earth and be with him, or stay safe in Dan's arms. She laughed bitterly; she could never truly be safe in Dan's arms for fear or him hitting her or worse. She heard the front door open, and quickly shut her laptop. Dan walked through into the living room.
"Hey." he said quietly, coming to sit next to her.
"Hi." she said. She couldn't quite bear to look at him. Maybe it was because she had just relived what had happened with Luke, she didn't know, but he picked up on it.
"Are you ok?" he asked, his voice concerned.
She sighed, "Yeah I'm fine." She untucked her legs and got up, just wanting to go and sleep. She heard Dan get up and follow her, "Please, just leave me. I'm going to bed." She listened as he stopped then walked back into the living room.
She walked up the stairs and padded along the hall until she was outside Luke's room. She hadn't been in there since he had died. She pushed the door open, inhaling the scent of him. The bookcase was still on the floor, all the books haphazardly spread around the room. Her body trembled as she saw her son running around his room, playing with his cars, jumping on his bed, tucked in bed tired out from a long day at nursery. Her legs buckled from beneath her, she hit the floor with a dull thud. Her defences came down, and she pulled herself towards Luke's bed, climbing into it and wrapping the duvet around her. She burrowed down, feeling around for Luke's second favourite toy, one that was bought for him by his grandparents, one which he took everywhere with him. She finally found it, and clasped it to her chest, sobbing uncontrollably.
Dan had quietly followed her up the stairs, to Luke's room. He stood in the doorway, listening to her cries, torn between going to her but unable to cross the threshold.
"Stevie? It's Jess. Listen, I've had a hit on the website. Someone has sent me a message with a place and a time. I'm in." Jess said, reading aloud the message a member had sent her that morning.
"Brilliant Jess, well done. How about Beth?" Stevie asked, and Jess could hear her writing down what she had just said.
"Beth said she also got a message. I just got off the phone with her, she was about to call Max." Jess said, swivelling in her chair in the study.
"Right, you need to come into the station this afternoon so we can go over what will happen tonight. Does that sound alright?" Stevie asked.
"Yep, I'll see you then. Bye." Jess said, hanging up. As she spun round, she noticed Dan leaning against the door frame.
"You didn't come to bed last night." he said, a question in his voice.
"I did, just not our bed." Jess said, swivelling until she was facing the window that looked out into the garden.
"Jess, you have to stop avoiding me. I need you, we need to help each other through this. I'm grieving the same as you." Dan said, pleading.
"What if I don't want to help you through? What if I don't want to be helped through? What if I just want to grieve for my son with no-one telling me what I can and can't do?" Jess asked quietly.
"Honey..." Dan began, taking a step into the room.
"Don't. Please, I have a job to do." Jess said, getting up and giving Dan a wide berth as she went to the en suite to shower.
Dan stared after her, his mouth a tight line. He sighed and headed downstairs, leaving her alone.
On the way to the station Jess made a detour to the cemetery. She picked her way across the hard ground, the graves seeming to go on for miles. She finally got to Luke's, and she sat on the ground in front of it. She took the lighter out her pocket, lighting the small tea light which sat on the corner of the grave. She placed the small bunch of forget me nots in the vase on his grave.
"Hey baby, it's mummy. How're you doing? Are you being looked after?" Jess' voice broke, but she was determined not to cry. She placed her hand over his name, "I miss you so much. I don't know what to do Luke. I should have kept you safe from him, but I failed, so maybe I should rectify my mistake and protect you now. Would you like that?" Jess looked around the empty, still graveyard, and slowly got to her feet, "Ok baby, I have to go and help people now. But I love you, and I always will. Miss you always." She kissed the tips of her fingers, pressing them against the grave, and then she walked back to her car and drove to the station.
Jess and Beth were sitting in a car by the address that had been given to the both of them. Around the corner was an armed response vehicle, and parked a few cars ahead of them were Neil, Stevie and Max. A few streets away were Smithy, Callum and Gina.
"Ok, you both know what you're doing?" Neil's voice crackled over the radio.
"Yes Gov. Don't worry, we'll be fine and we'll put a stop to this." Beth said confidently.
"I have complete faith in you, but please, the Inspector will have my head if anything goes wrong!" Neil said, trying to lighten the tense atmosphere.
"Yes Gov. We've got the wires on, and we know the safe word if anything goes wrong. We'll be fine." Jess said wearily.
"Right, and remember you're Lucy and Amy now. Good luck, over." Neil said, and finally there was silence in the car. Jess checked her watch; it was time.
"Are you ready?" Jess asked, turning to Beth.
Beth took a deep breath, "Yep."
"It'll be ok, I won't let them hurt you, don't worry." Jess said with a smile.
"I know, we're going to be fine. Come on then Lucy." Beth said, attempting a smile.
They walked down the pavement, their boots clacking noisily. They stood in front of the non descript house for a moment, before walking down the steps which led to the basement flat.
They were seated in chairs around a table, the lone gun placed carefully in the centre, pointing at Beth. Jess did a quick head count; there were ten people there, and Jess recognised Jade and Joseph.
"We have two new players with us today, Amy and Lucy. Nice to meet you both." Joseph said with a smile, shaking both their hands.
"Thank you." they said quietly.
"Now, do you want to share your stories?" Joseph asked with an encouraging smile.
Jess looked at Beth then discreetly nodded, "My name is Lucy. My son died two months ago, and it could have been my husband's fault. I don't know what to do without him, I want to know how to move on. This, for me, is a way for me to work it out. If I die, I'll know that my son needs me, if I don't, I'll know my husband needs me." Jess said slowly. Beth's eyes widened as she turned to stare at Jess, knowing the truth in her words. She didn't know what to do, should she say the safe word and get them out? It was clear Jess wasn't thinking straight. Jess felt Beth staring and discreetly shook her head, trying to reassure Beth. It didn't work.
"Deepest sympathies Lucy. I can't even imagine the pain you must be in." Jade said sadly. She looked like her sister, except her red hair was longer, her blue eyes duller, her body slimmer, almost unhealthy looking.
"Thank you for sharing Lucy, I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to bury their child. Amy, did you want to share?" Joseph said with a kind smile, turning to Beth.
"I was in a long term relationship, and a month ago my boyfriend told me that he didn't love me anymore and was back with his ex-girlfriend. Last thing I heard was that she's pregnant." Beth said, eyes pulled down to the floor. "We were about to buy a house. We'd been planning our wedding!"
"Oh God, you poor things!" a kindly looking woman said to the pair.
"Now, seeing as this is your first time, I'm assuming you don't know how this works?" Joseph asked politely. Both women shook their heads whilst eyeing up the weapon. "Ok, I will load the gun with one bullet, then spin the cylinder. The gun has a silencer on it by the way. The gun will be passed round the table, each person pulling the trigger. When we get to the fifth person, the cylinder will be spun again. Everyone here knows what they're doing, knows the chance that they could die here tonight. Ok, let's begin." Joseph pulled the gun towards him, placing one bullet in the cylinder before spinning it. "How about you start Lucy?" He asked, handing the gun to Jess.
Beth's eyes widened as she watched Jess take the gun with a firm hand. "Lucy..."
"No, it's fine. I need to know what to do. We knew what we were getting into." Jess said calmly. It was amazing how serene she was about it, it was as if she truly didn't care whether she died.
Jess brought the gun up to her temple. The barrel felt cool against her head, an icy kiss. Goosebumps appeared on her arms. Her green eyes scanned the room until they rested on Beth's face. She smiled, shut her eyes and thought of Luke, then pulled the trigger.