And indeed, as much as Alec hated it, they fell back into their normal ways. But he did not want to lose the sense of familiarity that he had with Ellie - their ability to put whatever that was bothering them at home or personally at the side when they were at work. Yet, Alec was also not oblivious to the peeks they were getting from their colleagues every time both he and Ellie were in close proximity - the obvious pretence of people getting together to discuss over paperwork, the side glances from those who were working on the computer, the detour some took to by passing in front of his office whenever Ellie was inside with him. Alec was pretty sure there was even a betting pool going on.
Then again, Ellie did not seem to be bothered by it. He knew well enough that she was used to the locals' hunger for gossip and she would have sensed it well before he did. Keeping that in mind, he reassured himself, if Ellie was not bothered by it, why would he be?
Stop it , Alec thought to himself.
Stop overthinking.
Stop over analysing.
Stop over-feeling.
As much as he prides himself over those traits, he only felt so because those were useful traits(if not essential) for a detective. But those traits were also the crumbling cliffs of which he used to stand on before his downfall and drowned in a river of guilt, sense of duty and a gallimaufry of civil morality.
It had been days ever since Ellie returned to work and the leftover sentiments Alec had began to dissipate.
"We'll talk about it soon."
Ellie's ability to treat him like nothing happened between them left him perplexed initially. Alec may seem like he did not dwell on it but it was only because Ellie had always talked about it in such a light tone.
Light. Not lighthearted.
That was one trait he wished she would never get rid of. It had helped him open up to her. He was able to tell her personal things now because of it.
It was a fine line to him - the light tone - when he first knew her. Sometimes he could not tell if she could not take things seriously. But now that he understood her better, she could talk about things in a light manner but that did not mean that she took things lightly . There was weight in everything Ellie did even as small as offering him her half-eaten food. He realised now that she genuinely cared, not simply out of courtesy but because that was just the way she is.
And it hurt him.
It hurt Alec alot.
To have left someone - the only one friend he had - someone that sincerely cared for him when no one else did, alone and hanging to hold out on her own. It was hurting him more now with all the things that Ellie had done not only for him, but also for his daughter. Alec could not grasp how one person could have so much kindness in her and also extend it to Daisy when they were practically outsiders in the town. Her generosity pained him because now he felt like he owed her something, anything - an apology or an explanation at most.
An explanation why he cut off everything from her for the past two years.
An explanation of his radio silence.
"We'll talk about it soon."
But how soon?
It was not easy for him to even muster the courage to brave himself into having that conversation with her only for her to dismiss him away. Technically Ellie only put him on hold but it was not doing good for his anxiety. He had mended things with Daisy, and although it was a work in progress, it was still progress. But with Ellie, he simply went back to where they left things and it was not settling well with him. It did not bother him as much when he first moved back, but with the recent events, he could feel that their dynamic was changing.
Alec could not exactly pinpoint when it was(perhaps it only started being prominent to him now), but being taken care of by Ellie was making his heart waver. And as the accusations her father had made against him continued to echo in his head, it was making it harder for him to contain his feelings as days passed with him living in Ellie's good grace.
Yet, the familiarity of suppressing his emotions came easily for him like the previous years of him doing so. Although these new range of emotions were not exactly heart-breaking, it still weighed heavily in his chest. But as Ellie went on to be indifferent, Alec found it easier to work with her and his personal feelings set aside day by day. He found, however, himself constantly gazing at her whenever she passed by his office or when he looked up from his computer screen and his sight landed on her the first thing.
Initially, it caught him off guard when he realised what he was doing. But Alec did not see any harm in it for it was simply a channel - a channel for him to admire her.
There was so much to admire about Ellie Miller but it was only now that it had become clear to him.
Ellie had been bold and assertive, more often than not willing to make her feelings known especially when she was dissatisfied. But at the same time, she had a fierce sense of moral thinking, doing things that she personally would not like to but simply because it was appropriate to and she did not hesitate to ever moralise at him whenever he did not behave. Above all, she was generous and affectionate - the traits that had been outshining in the past few weeks, traits that pushed Alec to want to have even a fraction of it just so that he could be a better parent to Daisy.
And a better friend to Ellie.
Ellie deserved that much from him, at least.
Despite their ability to maintain their indifference to the change of emotional dynamic between them, Alec tried harder to be more thoughtful of her with small things. He made extra toasts and composedly placed a plate on her desk before walking back to his office, picking up her empty cup when he passed by her desk on his way to the kitchenette and even at one occasion picked up her desk phone when she was not around.
And he would make a small, subtle run for his office after every deed in an attempt to conceal his bubbling anxiety.
"It's lunch, Miller." He came up to her desk one day, his arms folded. Those who were in the office perked their ears, peeking from their desks, not so subtly waiting for new content to feed their daily gossip.
"You're not one to look forward to it." Ellie furrowed her eyebrows, "What is it, then?"
"What?"
"What is it that you need from me?"
"I'm just reminding you it's lunch. It's past 2."
"No, no. Told you not to be nice to me."
Alec exhaled loudly, his arms unfolding and placed on his hips instead, "Not trying to be nice but have you seen yourself? You look like you're going to pass out half the time these days."
"It's the age. Takes a while to recover."
"Then take a break. Eat something, Miller."
"Speak for yourself."
"Fine, then. Get your stuff. I'll wait for you downstairs."
"What for?" She almost retalitated.
"You need to eat to recover well, Miller. Don't make it any harder for me. Just get your stuff. I'm having lunch with Daisy anyway. You're invited."
Ellie grunted but packed her stuff anyway.
If it was one thing Ellie noticed about Alec was that no matter how picky he was with food, he made do with whatever was available. They ended up at a local chippy, obviously not something he would pick for himself but Daisy was already at a booth, using her phone as she waited for them, which made her wonder if Daisy was the main influence of him simply making do with anything meal related. The teenager greeted her warmly, although not brightly, unlike her father who could not even be bothered with a simple good morning.
"How are you feeling, Ellie?" Daisy asked, scooting over to make space for her father.
"I'm a lot better, thanks. And thank you for having me." Ellie smiled back at her. She took note of that, Daisy asking her about her well-being. That was another thing that differed her from her father.
"That wasn't me," Daisy slid a takeaway box towards Alec, "that was all Dad."
"Told you not to be nice to me," Ellie narrowed her eyes over to Alec, "and is that salad?"
"Dad is still adjusting food-wise. Saw a salad takeaway shop, might as well get it for him. I wanted chippies today but knowing him, he wouldn't order anything." The teenager replied in his stead and handed over the menu to Ellie.
"That's really sweet of you, sweetheart," She replied as she looked through the menu, "I've always wondered how it'd be like having a daughter. Judging by the way your father behaves around you, it must be lovely."
Alec leaned back into his seat, crossing his arms, "Daisy puts up with me. Your boy is a good lad too. Wee… Fred."
"He seemed to like the both of you a lot. Couldn't stop talking about wanting another sleepover with Uncle Alec." Ellie scrunched her nose as she beamed a smile at both the Hardys.
"Shall we order then?"Daisy stood up, Ellie following suit and the two of them went over to the counter to place their orders as Alec sank a little into his seat.
"That was all Dad."
Why did Daisy have to say that?
And why did Daisy saying that made him so embarrassed?
Did Ellie notice his reddened ears?
Alec shook his thoughts away, sighing loudly and placed a palm to his chest, calming himself down. He had been having a hard time lately trying to comprehend his anxiety and figuring out where it was coming from. He had a feeling it could come from the change in dynamic between Ellie and himself but having his daughter point out his actions was making him rethink if it was a good idea to begin with. He had only wanted to look out for Ellie but he did not want it to seem 'nice'. The two of them don't do nice.
He could not do nice. Alec had not done nice in years. He could not even remember when was the last time he was. He had been branded as a wanker ever since Sandbrook fell apart; he could not recall if he ever was a nice person before.
As he saw the two of them making their way back to the table, Alec straightened himself again in his seat, putting his stoic face back on.
"Daisy offered to mind Fred for me. She was wondering if you would let her." Ellie said as she settled herself in her chair.
"Only if you're alright with it. And only when Ellie needs it, it's not going to be a regular thing." Daisy added hopefully.
Alec sighed, knowing he could never say no to his daughter, "Yeah, fine. As long as you're alright with it, sweetheart."
The drive back to the office was awkwardly silent after they had dropped Daisy home and Alec was flooring the accelerator despite having more than enough time left for lunch. The drive to lunch was not as bad in his opinion as Ellie and him were discussing paperwork and personnel matters but he could not understand why the return was not the same. It was not their first time being silent on the road anyway but Alec could not help but feel the uncomfortable tension in the air this time around.
Or was it awkward just to him?
As he was trying to focus on the road, Alec had also been sneaking glances at Ellie in an attempt to read the room and assess the atmosphere if the silence was also affecting her. Apparently, to his greatest misfortune, it seemed to have not. Ellie was being… Ellie. She was just looking out the window with her head resting on the back of the seat, trying to keep her seemingly heavy eyelids open. Somehow, the sight frustrated him knowing that she was still low on energy but was insistent on turning up for work.
"Go home early today, Miller." Alec remarked.
"I'm fine." She retorted.
Alec scowled, "If you're going to take a while to properly recover then go home early. Don't strain yourself. There's no point pushing when you don't even have the energy."
"Since when are you in the position to give health advice?"
"I'm just saying you might as well go home if you're not feeling well. Do you have to make everything so hard?" He snapped, "You're always going on and on about me not taking care of myself but have you seen yourself lately?"
"Yeah, no shit. I've already been nagged at home and now you're taking the piss too."
Alec mummed. Suddenly, the conversation he had with David Barrett came flooding back, "What? Was your dad being insufferable?"
"Been going on and on about this is not a woman's job, that I should be a better mother." Ellie shifted in her seat and folded her arms, "Like as if I need a reminder that I'm a shit parent."
"Makes the two of us, then." Alec replied, regretting his choice of words the instant it went past his lips. He mentally scolded himself but his face remained nonchalant, "Me more than you. At least your son didn't try to run away yet."
"Well at least your daughter talks to you."
"Fair enough, then."
The was a pause in the conversation before Ellie faced him, "Do you think we're lonely?"
Alec furrowed his eyebrows, "What do you mean?"
"Yeah, you and I. Do you think we're lonely?"
"What are you on about, Miller?"
"It's sad, innit? We go to work, we go home to our kids. And we go to work again. The only time I spend time out is with you talking about work."
"You have Beth. The station still invites you to the pub."
"But the colleagues are still work. And Beth is Beth. Doesn't count, does it?"
"Well, you have Lucy. There's Maggie too."
"How do you deal with that?"
"Miller, if you don't realise by now I don't really care about those things."
"Do you not have friends?"
Alec sighed. Having no friends was not a problem for him. He was fine with keeping one or two close ones but ever since the Gillespies' case, he stayed away from them as much as he could. Ashamed of his failure was one reason but not wanting to bombard them by being a burden was another.
But then again, his friends were those that he entrusted the most and although he had not kept in touch with them as often, his friendships never really needed maintenance - they just… know when to have each other's back, "I have one. Craig. He was my squad mate in training. DCI now in Merseywall Police. He was the one who helped me lookout for Lee Ashworth back then. I don't really talk to him but we keep in touch. Well, at least he does. He looks out for me."
Ellie looked at him with a tilted head, raising an eyebrow, "You actually do have friends?"
"And Martin Baxter, my GP. Eventually we became mates."
"All you can come up with is two? And you keep in touch?"
"Oh, don't start, Miller."
"Two bloody years! I didn't hear a single thing from you!"
"I told you I lost my phone!"
"Well, yeah no shit. As if you don't have my email?"
"Well, I could say the same for you! If you had my number, why didn't you reach out?"
And silence fell, only their heavy breathing after the yelling could be heard.
"Wanker." Ellie muttered under her breath.
Alec could only roll his eyes, "I already said I'm sorry, didn't I?"
"You couldn't pick an appropriate time to do it?"
"And talking about it in the car or during an investigation is? Have you heard yourself, Miller? Are we not past this?"
"You piece of shit."
"Don't take it out on me, Miller."
"Inviting me to lunch. And I told you not to be nice to me, didn't I?"
"For goodness sake. It was just lunch! You were complaining about being lonely now you're picking on me because I invited you to lunch? What was I supposed to do then? Let you suffer? What do you want, Miller?"
"I don't want your defending! I don't need you to speak up for me!"
Alec gritted his teeth. Unfortunately for the two of them, the car had arrived at the security checkpoint of their station. As he waited for the uniformed officer to come up to them, Alec turned to look at her, with a heavy heart and a strong inclination of where the conversation was going, "What are you talking about?"
"You bloody well know what I'm talking about." Ellie replied, avoiding eye contact while winding her window down.
"Ma'am. Sir," The uniformed officer went up to Ellie's side, "IDs, please."
They flashed their badges, Alec doing so apathetically while Ellie managed to smile warmly although it fell instantly the moment they were cleared. It remained silent as Alec drove them down to the basement parking lot, both of them averting from each other's eyes as he pulled into his dedicated lot. But before he could even fully shift his gear to park, Ellie had already unlocked her door and alighted herself from his car, her legs carrying her as fast as she could to the lift lobby.
"Bloody hell." Alec sighed to himself in defeat, leaning back into his seat and closed his eyes. Sometimes he wondered how it was possible that his heart and his words act in two separate directions - he had only wanted to take care of her yet now he ended up in an argument over something he said.
He was not even sure at which point it all went wrong and if his hunch was right, how did Ellie come to know about what he said to her father? Despite all that, was it so bad? Was whatever he said to David so bad that it upsetted her? And if so, how? Why would she care anyway? Unbuckling himself, Alec dragged his feet as he made his way to the lift lobby and up to the office after taking a few minutes to compose himself. He had half-expected to see Ellie frowning at her table instead, she was smiling with a few of them at the kitchenette with her bag still on her, obviously caught in a conversation with them before she could make it to her desk.
When they noticed him enter, the group gave him an acknowledgement nod. He returned their greeting in the same manner and stormed off into his office not realising Ellie was on his tail.
"What is it now, Miller?" Alec asked as he stood behind his desk when he finally noticed her, both his hands on his hips, irritated.
"They're asking if we'd like to join them at the pub. Later tonight. They're celebrating Nick's 5-year service."
"We?"
"Yes, we. They invited you." Ellie answered, evidently annoyed.
"And they couldn't ask me themselves?"
"For Christ's sake. Just answer yes or no." She scolded as she folded her arms.
Alec thought about it for a while. This was his third pub invitation in Broadchurch so far; one during his first year in Broadchurch, the second was Ellie's. He never really liked the taste of alcohol despite being a Scotsman, barely could even hold a pint. But this time around, he actually had to think about it. He could not use his heart as an excuse anymore and he was also reminded of his daughter's advice to give himself a chance.
And so, Alec decided that he should.
"Fine," Alec replied exasperatedly, "I'll go. But I'm driving. I can't drink much yet."
Ellie cocked her head, raising her eyebrows in surprise, "You what?"
Alec slumped himself into his chair and fiddled the computer mouse, bringing his monitor to wake, "Just give them my answer before I change my mind, Miller."