The Texas Attorney General had a good day. Stopping women from receiving vital healthcare always made him happy. Banning books, aside from the Bible which had absolutely no infanticide, always brought a smile to his face. Yes, every day he brought America closer to the utopia described in Margaret Atwood's The Hand Maiden's Tale.
Plus, those adult websites had been pushed out of Texas. They saved children—not from gun violence, but from a much more dangerous threat: pornography. Yes, pornography took many more lives than guns ever could.
The only thing more dangerous to kids were books. Stupid books that taught kids identity. Revolting. Yes, aside from the Bible which had absolutely no murder, incest, or Gods who flooded the Earth killing most life, all books were trash. Kids should read that Bible instead.
When he came home from work, he flicked on the lights and found a golden-haired man in his living room. This man sat on a chair, and if there was ever an expert of "sitting menacingly in a chair" this man could write a dissertation. Everything in his posture screamed "I am seething with barely contained rage."
He thought quickly. Like every responsible adult, the Attorney General had nineteen guns—one Glock 19, two semi-automatics, three shot guns, four sniper rifles, five AR-15s, and six machine guns.
He bolted, reached into the cookie jar, took out his Glock 19. Click. Empty. He tried the semi-automatics which he kept in his daughter's doll house. Click. Empty. No good. He ran to the medicine cabinet where he kept the second shot gun. Once more he heard the click. This ultimately pointless Looney Toons gag went on for half an hour before the Attorney General tried the final machine gun which he kept safely in the baby carriage. It came up empty.
The young man chose that moment to open a knapsack beside him. It had all the ammunition. The Attorney General blinked. Then the young man blinked.
The Attorney General asked, "Could I have those?"
The young man said, "No."
Well, there went the only defense plan he could think of.
He couldn't possibly run out the door, get back in his car, and drive away. And he couldn't call the police. Well, he could but he knew guns kept everyone safe. He should be okay so long as he had guns.
"Who are you?"
The young man scowled. "Who am I? I'm the guy you helped fuck over, jackass! Aether, from Genshin Impact."
The Attorney General frowned. Genshin Impact? Was that a gun? Could a man come from a gun? The Attorney General mulled over the question. After some consideration, he decided no, a man couldn't come from a gun. Women made people. That was the point of woman. Guns were for making the world a better, safer, happier world.
So, Genshin Impact was some kind of woman? He hoped he could take away her rights. Taking away women's rights was his own God-given right after all.
"Genshin Impact is a video game," said Aether.
"Oh. Video games make people violent."
"Sit down, kid."
The Attorney General did as he was told. The young man plucked an apple from the fruit bowl. He studied the apple, turning it absentmindedly in his hand.
"You know, I don't agree with most of your stances," he said, "but I never hated you. They should've impeached you for doing that 'favor' for your donor, but whatever."
The Attorney General pointed his gun at the young man and shot, forgetting it was empty. Predictably, the gun did not shoot any bullets. He gave it a few more tries. No, nope, still not working. Too bad. He really wanted to shoot people whenever they brought up impeachment.
Aether waited for the clicking to stop. He waited a solid minute before the attorney general began looking for the gun's on/off switch. After an unsuccessful minute of not finding it, he resorted to kicking it. Another pointless minute. Now, he felt angry. He did what every politician did when they got angry: blame his failures on everyone else. The Attorney General began making a scapegoat list: video games, woke culture, feminism, immigrants.
"You done?" said Aether.
"Almost, keep going. I'm listening." Which of course he wasn't. He didn't listen to people he disagreed with because they were automatically stupid.
The young man flicked his fingers. An Electro blast shot out and disintegrated the list. The Attorney General wet himself. Okay, he was definitely listening now.
Aether spun the apple around once more.
"Your stances on women's rights are a little less barbaric than Dori's stances on debt forgiveness, but I get it. You have your own opinions and I can understand you feel strongly about these things. Wasting taxpayer dollars on stupid crap—I get it, politicians do it. But no, that wasn't good enough for you. You had to go after PornHub. Now, you've crossed the fucking line."
"I've never in my life watched porn. People who said I do are lying." The response came out automatically, like a trained parrot who had practiced the line a thousand times.
The Attorney General worked himself up to a rage, as he always did whenever he had to pound his chest like all the other gorillas in his party and demonstrate his moral superiority.
"Porn is evil! It's ruining the nation! Killing our children! I won't stop until it's illegal everywhere—."
Aether crushed the apple in one hand. The Attorney General realized silence might be the best policy now.
"Newsflash, douchebag," he growled. "Some of us use adult websites for the ASMRs. Some of us need porn because it's the only thing keeping us from going broke!
"Do you know how many women constantly ask me to give them kids?! It's always 'Aether, expand the Kamisato clan with me,' 'Aether, I desire an heir for the future of Inazuma' 'Aether, I've made a list about why you should impregnate me,' or 'Aether, Cloud Retainer wants grandkids.' Gods, that horny librarian and shrine maiden teamed up once and let me tell you, it is very hard to keep it in when two gorgeous women crawl on your morning wood.
"The hub helps me release myself so I always come up dry whenever they pounce me. Do you know what taking it away will do to me, asshole?! Do you think I can pay all that child support on an Adventurer's salary?! Well, do you?!"
Child support… right, his office enforced that thing. He usually left that to the interns. No skin off his back if a kid didn't get looked after or whatever.
The Attorney General grimaced. "Women are supposed to get pregnant. That's why God made women. And porn threatens to undermine the family values and—"
"You haven't stopped porn, dipshit! People will find it one way or another. All you've done is punish adults," said Aether. "You can't stop porn. It was here long before you were born and it'll stay long after you're a footnote on the asscheek of this century's high school textbook!"
He winced. Could this young man talk to him like this? See, this was the problem with young people. They never had to struggle or work like his generation did. They expected everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. Suddenly, they thought their opinions mattered when their only role in life should be slaving away for his generation's benefit.
"Young man—"
"I'm over a thousand years old."
"No, you're just confused about your identity. You were born a young man, and you still are a young man. Now, as I was saying, young man, every Texan knows that young people like you are so entitled. They go to college and suddenly they think they know everything."
"I've never been to college."
"Oh. Well see, that's why I'm more qualified to lead Texas than you."
"I'm not from Texas. I'm from Teyvat. That's a whole different planet."
The Attorney General paused. A whole different planet… well, that explained the lightning.
"Hold on, why are you even here? Texas Law shouldn't apply to you."
Aether scowled. "Ever heard of the ripple effect? This little theory that an event in one world can affect several others? Yeah. Wait to go, asshole. You fucked over several worlds."
Really? He wondered if that meant he managed to blue ball countless adults across other realities. Maybe he'd even screwed over countless women so they could perform their God-given duty of birthing kids. That'd be nice.
Aether got up. His hands brimming with vicious wind blades. The Attorney General held up his machine gun in self-defense. SLICE. The machine gun split in half. Another amusing gag unfolded where the Attorney General took out a new gun and Aether cut it in half. Eventually, fragmented shells of his weapons lay about his feet. The guns were broken. He was no longer safe.
The Attorney General crapped his pants.
"I'm just doing God's will."
Aether was silent. He let out a low, gravely chuckle. "Buddy, your God's right here. And he's fresh out of love."
Tubby's eyes shot wide. Her chest heaved with ragged breaths. "Goodness, what a nightmare."
She shook her head. The image of Aether about to castrate and sodomize that poor man was certainly horrifying. Thankfully, the real Aether was a good man.
Tubby shook that dream from her mind and yawned. Seemed she was snoozing off more than ever these days. Between Yae Miko and the other UHA ladies, Tubby rarely got rest. How did Aether manage them? She couldn't believe he willingly agreed to be Yae Miko's toy for a whole week. That wicked fox would wring him dry. Hopefully, Baizhu could revive him.
No sooner had she wondered, than the dear traveler appeared at the teleport point. Here for his weekly fragile resin, she presumed. They made the exchange. Aether then showed her blueprints for new furnishing sets he acquired. No doubt the girls would love these too. She began construction using her magic.
Tubby glanced at the traveler. For someone who had been hammered by the horniest monster in Teyvat, he looked in good health. No limping, no pale cheeks, he wore the usual cheery expression. Strange. Did Miko not ride him the whole week? No, that couldn't be it.
"Say Aether," she said suddenly. "Are you…alright with all these women? I mean, they are a handful."
"I love them, Tubby."
"But…don't they ever leave you feeling…drained?"
Aether snorted. "You kidding? They're all so wonderful. I could never get bored with them."
"I meant sexually drained."
The traveler cocked his head. Tubby might as well have spoken to him in another language. He didn't understand at all. Resting his chin between his thumb and index finger, he pondered. A good thirty seconds passed. Eventually, Aether just shrugged.
"Sorry, I don't know what you mean."
Pause. Now, it was her turn to ponder. His genuine confusion threw her for a loop. Slowly, Tubby began to suspect something she probably should've pieced together after the girls held him for week-long orgy. There was only one way this man could satisfy the insatiable Yae Miko. Only one way he could've made love to Ei for 500 years straight.
"Aether. Do you have a 'refractory period?'"
"Men don't get periods."
"No, that's not—I meant, do you get tired after sex?"
"Not really. I'm in pretty good shape."
Suddenly, a lot of things made sense. The traveler didn't adhere to Teyvat's natural laws, using elemental energy without a vision. Seems he didn't adhere to Teyvat biology either. No wonder he'd been so open to that orgy. These ladies literally could not drain him.
No wonder Yae Miko liked him so much.
"I see," said Tubby. "By the way, Dori came by. She wants the installment payment on the wedding rings by the end of the week."
"Guess I better get busy," he said.
"So, now that you have the rings, have you given thought to settling down with them?"
"Not until I find Lumine. I want her to meet them all."
Understandable. Soon as he agreed to give them children, those women would start the second Archon War deciding who went first. Ayaka, Keqing, and Nilou were sure to tear each other apart. She didn't even want to imagine the duel between Ei, Arlecchino, and Shenhe, much less the hormonal wrath of Yae Miko and Lisa. He wouldn't have time for much else then. Of course he wanted to finish the journey first.
"If you told them that," said Tubby, "those women would overturn this whole world searching for Lumine and bring her here by force."
"I think they understand," he said. "This is my quest. I got to bring her home myself."
Tubby knew that much was true. The ladies respected Aether's feelings. They made this whole UHA to better ensure his happiness. If he had to be the one to find Lumine, they would understand. Even Yae Miko, whom Tubby considered the most dangerous woman, would respect Aether's wishes.
"When you do settle down," said Tubby, "remember the Constitution."
"Right. You're Godmother to all my kids, Auntie Tubby."
"That's President Auntie Tubby to you."
The Texas Attorney General had a wonderful day. Setting women's rights back to the glorious 1830s always made him happy. He pulled into the road leading to his lavish home and came face to face with a horrible sight.
His entire house from roof to lawn, had been coated in white-brown goop. The driveway, which two weeks ago he had an immigrant power wash for less than minimum wage, looked like winter snow. Not one inch of concrete or grass in sight. The goop sloshed and squelched under the tires.
He became aware of countless eyes on him. Across the power pole lines amassed a mighty, infinite army of orange eyed Columbidae. Pigeons. And they were painting his property white with feces.
"What the f—"
Just then, a shadow fell over his neighborhood. Craning his head, he saw what could only be described as a bird shaped Star Destroyer. A figure leapt off the ship. Blue robes fluttering in the air, he descended. Instead of splattering across the pavement, he landed right beside the Attorney General's car. The white-haired man brushed dust off his blue coat.
"You're this state's the Attorney General?" he asked in a cold voice. The Attorney General, wetting his million-dollar suit, nodded. The man drew his katana and sliced the air. A rift appeared over the Attorney General's car.
The man brandished his blade and opened a second rift. As he entered the rift which closed behind him, the demi-human uttered seven words. "Your punishment. For enforcing child support laws."
Out from the rift cascaded exactly one hundred and one metric tons of guano. This Attorney General like all the others would spend the next two days clawing his way through miles and miles of pigeon crap.
The Columbidae ascended and like the Valkyries racing to Valhalla returned to their master. Those invincible raiders flocked into the fortress. There, they feasted, like the legendary warriors of old. Endless bread, seeds, and wheat, every delectable treat in existence. The army would need its strength for the next Earth.
Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds would erase this world's memories of this day. All would forget the day their world had been invaded by the vengeful archon and his loyal attendant. The stink, however, would last a lifetime. The Avian Mansion having coated the guilty of this United States sailed onwards to places unknown.