Dating, Lust, and the Lady Squirrel
Muriel knocked on the doorframe to the back room of the bookshop.
Aziraphale was wiping off a bookshelf before adding his new set of Mark Twain first editions. "Hello Muriel." He waved at the books. "I look forward to reading these. Mark Twain is so down-to-earth with his American Satire. He even wrote about Adam and Eve."
Crowley set down the scale model of a steam powered paddleboat that came with the set. He looked at the young angel over his glasses. "Muriel? You have something on your mind?"
"Ah, yes, Crowley, Mr. Fell, I'm glad you are both here. We have a "situation" that needs your attention. It's about Eric…." You could still hear the air quotes and ellipses when Muriel spoke. Aziraphale moved to his chair and motioned for Muriel to sit. She took the sofa, Crowley the armchair. Tea appeared at each seat.
"Eric? What did he do now?" Aziraphale ran through a mental list of the inappropriate creatures Eric had tried to make house pets: Hyena, squirrel, street rats, fighting roosters, and a pony.
"Oh, nothing yet. Eric always wants to do what is right, but since he's a demon, "right" is not always good. But Phyllis…."
"Phyllis? Maggie's niece who is working in the record shop? She doesn't know what we are…" Aziraphale thought of the pleasant, buxom, pretty blonde, who was a younger version of her aunt.
"Yes, that's Phyllis! She told me she is attracted to Eric and would like to pursue a relationship. I thought you could advise me. How have you handled this?"
Aziraphale and Crowley locked eyes across the room; alarms going off in both their heads. Aziraphale stammered, "w..well, I've never had a human attracted to me. That sounds like a demon's domain." He raised an eyebrow at Crowley.
Crowley shook his head. "As usual, you were completely oblivious, Angel. I can name several people who found you attractive, not including the whole of Sodom and Gomorrah."
"Noooh, I would have noticed." Said the angel, as naïve as ever.
"How long did it take you to notice my affection?" Crowley volleyed.
"Well, that's different..." Aziraphale tried to wave it off but becoming curious. "Who?"
"That wine merchant in Rome." Crowley started the list.
"Quintus just respected my palate."
"No one has that many private tastings. I started to pity him for his unrequited affections, and I'd had several millennia head start, trying to get your attention." Crowley continued the list. "Your tailor in 1820…."
"Well, I might have noticed that…" Aziraphale pretended not to notice Crowley's jaw drop. "But he did take extra attention to make things fit well, and it's still in tip-top shape. Aziraphale absently fingered the buttons on his jacket. And regarding You, I had all of Heaven running interference." He waved an arm at Crowley, "What about Your conquests? You are a skilled tempter…"
Crowley noticed Muriel getting redder by the minute. "We'll discuss this later. Muriel, does Eric know?"
"He enjoys her company, and they like the same music, but it's obvious she wants more. He told Raph that his is curious."
"Wart and the Lady Squirrel." Crowley said as if he'd come to a conclusion.
"Pardon?" Aziraphale and Muriel said in unison.
"The Sword in the Stone"- a movie and a book. Merlin turns young Arthur, known as Wart, into a squirrel. A lady squirrel falls in love and he breaks her heart by returning to his human form. It's a very emotional scene. I can't let Eric break Phyllis' heart." Crowley lowered his bottom lip and huffed.
Aziraphale grabbed a pad and pen and started writing. "I suppose we need to alert our apprentices to the pitfalls of interacting with humans."
Crowley thought aloud, "well, Eric is a Demon…"
"Crowley, not Phyllis! She's practically family." Aziraphale slapped his own leg, since couldn't reach Crowley.
"You're right, but I am going to have to teach him how to tempt eventually. That means going out of town to satisfy you. Probably the Midlands…" Crowley started rolling his neck and shoulders, as if he were getting ready for a fight.
"Maybe we can swap, find her a suitable human on which to transfer her affections." Aziraphale tried to recall what Miss Austen did with her characters in "Emma."
"Ewan." Muriel stated. The others looked at her, waiting for more information. "Ewan, the delivery bloke that serves this street. He's very friendly and has expressed an interest in "dating" me. Maybe we can divert him. I was curious about "dating", but I'm too new to Earth to know what to do with all my parts and Eric's even newer."
"When your experience catches up with your wisdom, you will be able to fix the world singlehandedly. Well said, Muriel." Aziraphale beamed at his apprentice. "Let's set up a dinner party for the four of you. You and Eric will get called in for a work emergency. Maybe that will give them an opportunity to consider each other. How about the Ritz?"
Crowley shook his head. "Too intimidating. Somewhere quiet with a view or people-watching. Near Covent Garden or the Tate?"
Aziraphale turned to Muriel. "Is that acceptable, Muriel? You haven't formed an attachment to this Ewan, have you?"
"No, I can still be friends. My passion is for the world as a whole. But Raph should pick the restaurant. He knows more about what interests humans of their age. He can even do the rest of the planning." Muriel finished her tea. "I'll get back to the guys. Raph has found some bogus 'supernatural' apps that are hilarious, so wrong, they're ridiculous. Thank you both. Let us know when the Human Interaction class begins."
"You're welcome, Muriel." Aziraphale stood. "We are most appreciative of your help."
Crowley stood as well and surprised the angels by extending a hand to Muriel. "Thank you for watching out for Eric, Muriel. You are an angel worth knowing."
Muriel shook his hand, ""Mr." Crowley." She turned to Aziraphale and whispered, "Is that a good thing, Mr. Fell?"
Aziraphale was visibly moved as he told her. "I've never heard him give praise that high to anyone, my dear."
"Except you, Angel." Crowley was now lying on the sofa, pretending to nap to avoid getting any of the emotion flowing off the angels.
"Oh-ho. Well." Muriel glowed a bit, "I'll be going. Good night, sirs!" and she bounced out of the book shop.
Once she was gone, the pair could show their anxiety. Crowley flew up into a rigid sitting position. "She thinks we're experts! Well, uh, compared to them, I suppose we are."
Aziraphale went back to his desk and picked up the pad. "I'll call Anathema tomorrow and get her input, maybe even have her and Newt come in for the meeting."
"We put an awful lot of pressure on Book Girl and Nert when it comes to humans and sex." Crowley said, "and this 'interspecies stuff' never seems to end well, but my source is macabre fiction. I may have to bring Rictus in. He did have some human dalliances in the early hundreds that did not end in death or disaster."
"But are we even equipped to school our pupils? I need to reread "Emma". And watch your squirrel movie."
"Maybe "Tootsie" also. He was in disguise, and so are we." Crowley watched Aziraphale write "toots" on the pad.
Aziraphale then set the pad down and looked at his partner. "You're not very disguised. You turn heads daily."
"If you want me to change my appearance, I will, Angel."
"I didn't say that, although sometimes I wish you weren't so – what's the phrase? – "sex on a stick". Did you inspire that phrase?" Aziraphale was taking a tone that let Crowley know it could be a tense night.
"Maybe. But I think it was an advertising logo first. Is this going to become an argument? Because I'll need alcohol for that." a bottle of whisky materialized on the table. "And I can go to at least 3 websites, where you are listed as "the 'honey bear' in the bookshop". Not all the patrons come here to look at the books. You're also a recurring character on a librarian fanfiction website." Crowley leaned towards the bottle.
"Not an argument. A debate." The bottle turned into wine, with 2 large glasses. "Really? Me? You're the one with experience." Aziraphale sat on the sofa and poured their wine.
"Angel, my ratio of temptations to consummations is very low. It was work; not easy, seldom fun. It's mostly about getting people in compromising positions or lowering their standards." Crowley emptied the glass in one and set his glass down, turned to his Angel, and removed his glasses. "Lust is not love, Angel. I've used lust as a tool. My love has only ever been for you, the only being who ever set my heart a flutter. Have I convinced you of the fervor of my affection, "Miss Bennett"? Crowley teased his love.
"Mr. D'Arcy, my heart is yours." Aziraphale looked as if he needed a fan to flutter.
Crowley refilled their wine, and the pair leaned back on the sofa. They did like to debate, so he started on the second round. "Sex on a Stick? That's rather modern for you."
"Lust as a tool? Is that all our 'activities' are?" Aziraphale's eyes spun on the word 'activities'. Then he raised an eyebrow at Crowley.
"Lust is taking. Love and passion and pleasure are giving. You know that. I would never take from you. I know I've given happily. Although that time I 'imposed' (a code word they used for that moment of the One Fabulous Kiss), was crossing a line. Forcing is not giving. That's why they're called crimes of passion."
""All's fair…" You've never lusted, Crowley?" Aziraphale was nervous, knowing the question would be turned on him.
"I've wanted. I spent 6000 years wondering if your lips were as soft as I imagined or how your sword-bearing arms under that stuffy overcoat would feel like around me. Wondered if you'd make the same sound if we kissed that you make when you have a perfect Crème Brulé. I've wanted and wondered and waited. What would 'We' be like if we were ever honest with each other about our feelings and able to act on them." Crowley took a slow sip of wine and smiled at his Angel. "And now I know, and I still want, passionately. What about you?"
Aziraphale took a breath and exhaled. "I thought I'd burn." He turned to face Crowley. "I thought I'd burn, then fall. That is what took so long."
The dark angel's face became tender and sad at the same time. "And I held off for the same reason."
Aziraphale reached up and brushed the hair off Crowley's brow. "The thought of contact with anyone else made my skin crawl with ice. But I always felt a flush when I thought of any contact with you. I wanted to trace your freckles and see if they really mirrored the constellations, I wanted to stroke your hair and pull some of those wilder styles down softly to frame your face. I wanted to throw those glasses away and read your eyes, because I knew only I could. I wondered how I would breathe with you wrapped around me. But I thought I'd burst into flames with your kiss. Part of my shock when you 'imposed', was that I didn't. But I did, I do, burn for you."
Crowley leaned forward and they shared a kiss, soft and lingering. "And now we burn together? Not flames – fireworks & fireflies."
"Cozy warmth and any other heat we need, we get from the other." Aziraphale sat back on the sofa. "Oh my," he said as Crowley leaned back and wove his fingers through the angel's white curls. "We can't have this discussion with the team. Maybe the part about the difference between Lust and Love."
"The rest they'll have to wait and discover for themselves. It's worth the wait, Angel."
"Oh yes. And because of us, they may not have to wait as long."