Though she had no way to be sure, Beth had counted back the days and at her best guess she was around one month along. After her positive pregnancy test Beth had done her best to feign wellness, though in all honesty she felt awful, and while she had easily managed to deceive the others, Rick seemed yet to be convinced.
She still hadn't told Merle...
And she wasn't sure she should. Would he want to know? Would he even care? She knew it would get out eventually. Beth knew there was only so long that she would be able to hide her growing belly, but should she try?
It was dangerous, she knew it was. Only God would know how Maggie would take it when she found out. This is what had killed Lori...but she couldn't deny the small part of her that was happy to see those two red lines slashed across the cheap plastic pregnancy test.
No, she should tell him. Even if Merle didn't give a shit, he would at least want to know why she wasn't coming around any more. So she waited until Carl came home with Enid, and Beth placed the baby into his open arms, and walked out the door. She knew that she would convince herself not to do it if she didn't do it soon, and today was as good a day as any; Daryl was out on a run with Aaron and Rick wasn't due back from work for a good while.
She didn't even have to knock. Merle was sitting on the front porch next door fiddling over something with a screwdriver. When he saw her (or more likely heard her) coming up the walkway he glanced up from the clump of wire and metal.
He smirked at her with that signature Dixon smile, "Blondie! You miss me or somethin'? Maybe I ought t'get the booze."
Beth's stomach felt like it was full of moths...
"I-I actually came to tell you somethin'."
He looked back down at whatever he was tinkering with and popped a couple of wires free from the mass, "Well don' keep me in suspense now Honey."
Beth took a deep breath, "I can't keep comin' by anymore."
Merle didn't look up, he didn't even stop tinkering; he just made a small humph sound and continued pulling wires.
"It's just...I just can't be drinkin' no more. I got...It ain't just me I'm takin' care of anymore, y'know? I'm...oh fuck it! Merle I'm pregnant."
His hand stilled for a moment and he refused to look back up at her as he muttered a gruff, "Ain't mine," before resuming his work.
The screwdriver popped in-and-out of the wires carefully selecting which ones to keep.
Beth fought to control the annoyance in her voice, "It's yours. It's definitely yours. I ain't been doin' that with anyone else but you."
He did look up at her then, hand stilling once again before placing the tool and the chunk of metal aside before pushing himself up to his full height. He was foreboding glaring down at her like this; eight inches taller and a good 60 pounds heavier. She had expected indifference or maybe even irritation from him, but she hadn't thought he would stare her down like this; like she was Mephistopheles and had come to take his soul.
Disgust and anger and a desperation to escape rained down from him as he all but spat out at her, "The fuck do you want me t'do 'bout it."
"What're you...Hey!" Merle had pulled at the door and stepped around her to go inside, but Beth slammed her palm against the wood and shoved it closed.
"What, y'all ain't got enough damn Dixons 'round here. Y' had t' go makin' more of 'em?"
"Well it ain't like I cloned one o' you. In case you forgot I had a little help."
"Yeah? Well maybe you should've kept your damn legs closed."
Before she even thought about it the palm of her hand collided, with his cheek the sound reverberating like a shotgun. The next instant she felt his hand around her throat and her body being pushed back against the front door. Merle seemed unaware of the crowd that was beginning to gather, or of Rick who had been on patrol and was now running towards her. His fingers were firm around her throat, but no so firm that she couldn't choke out defiantly,
"What're you gon' do Merle? You gonna hit me?"
His hand dropped, and with it so did his malice. It left only apathy, which was somehow more unnerving than the hand around her throat had been, and he went inside the house closing the door in her face.
She heard Rick yelling at the Alexandrians who had stopped to stare at the confrontation, "Go home, Ain't nothin' to see," before he appeared next to her on the porch. His gaze was concerned and he lightly lifted her chin with one finger to check for bruising, but Beth brushed his hand away.
"It's fine Rick..."
"It ain't fine," he said before pounding his fist against the door and yelling, "Open up! Come on!"
"Rick please...let's just go home..."
Rosita threw the door open. She was clad in naught but a bathrobe and had a kitchen knife grasped firmly in one hand.
"Rick?! What's going on? Did the wall go down?"
"No, no, nothing like that," Rick began, "There was an...altercation, between Merle and Beth. Did you hear any of what happened?"
"No, I was upstairs in the bath; didn't hear a thing," she said to Rick before turning to Beth, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, we were just having an argument and...it got a bit out of control. I'd just...I'd really like to forget about it ok?"
Beth turned toward Rick, asking him the same question by pinching up her eyebrows. He hesitated for a moment, but finally nodded.
Before Beth went to bed that night, she went to the window to let in the cooler night air and saw something small sitting on the ledge: a single dandelion.
Beth started up with her morning runs a week later. Some of the nausea had thankfully subsided, and she had missed starting the morning with a body full of endorphins. As she strapped Judith into the running stroller, she caught the eye of Merle. She hadn't once come over in the evening to see him or to try and reconcile their friends-with-benefits situation, but she noticed that he now had made a habit of tinkering on the front porch around the same time that she came out for her jog. She knew it was no coincidence. He never offered her a morning greeting, and she never said a word to him either. What his interest in her now was, she didn't know. In her mind, she was sure that he hadn't wanted anything to do with her or her soon-to-be child. She wondered if it was simply a silent plea to keep the father of her child secret from the others.
Two more weeks passed, and Beth was preparing for a trip outside the walls. It was restock day and after making a joke to Carol about trading the baby for ammo, she deposited a happy Judith into Carol's arms and went back to the garage to find Daryl. He had promised her a small bag of ammo from his latest find to take out to the northern cashe and had offered to join her for the 2.5 hour hike.
"Daryl?" she called across the garage to the two boot-clad feet that were sticking out from underneath a jeep.
"'S out back Carol. What y'need?"
Beth didn't answer Merle. Instead she let her boots clack past him and walked over to the workbench. The duffel for todays trip was laying open along to top, and Beth began to dig though the contents, checking that everything was ready to go.
She heard him behind her before she felt the hand brushing the side of her hip. It wasn't until she felt the soft press of his mouth below her ear that she whirled around and shoved hard against his chest. He stumbled back two steps before smirking back at her.
"C'mon Honey, don' be like that. Can't stay away from 'ole Merle forever now."
Beth scoffed before locking her eyes against his, "Watch me."
She wasn't prepared for the drop in his expression; he looked at her like she had just broken his favorite gun.
"An' stop starin' at me when I'm goin' for my run," she snapped, "I ain't told nobody nothin', so unless you've got somethin' else you wanna ask me then you can piss off alright?"
"Y' stopped comin' by..."
"I-I...what?! Why would you think I'd want to come by?! Why would you even want me to come by? You made it perfectly clear a couple weeks ago that you didn't want anything to do with me or my baby, so as far as I'm concerned my child doesn't have a father."
Merle recoiled flinched like she had slapped him square across the face. But as she slung the bag over her shoulder and made to leave he looped his fingers gently around her wrist pulled her back before caging her against the work bench with his arms.
Beth felt angry tears well up in the corner of her eyes, and this time she did slap him, hard across the right side of his face. The sound of it reverberated through the air, but Merle hardly reacted.
He said it so quietly that Beth almost missed it; a nearly silent, ''m sorry' that sounded so painfully forced.
Beth scoffed, "That's bullshit an' you know it. You ain't sorry, you just miss fuckin' me."
And Beth turned to leave she could have sworn she heard him mutter 'be careful out there.'
Beth and Daryl walked side-by-side through the forest. The silence was companionable as they listened to the natural rustling of the forest and the sound of boots through grass. Daryl didn't often join her for the entire journey, usually splitting off part way through after finding the tracks of whatever unfortunate animal that would end up as diner that night. She had never argued that he should accompany her the rest of the way, and he never argued that she should wait for him to escort her.
Silently, Daryl offered a strip of jerky towards her and she took it with a small smile. She nibbled along the edge of the strip but paused midway through chewing the mouthful. It smelled wrong. Beth forced the mouthful down. Daryl had been eating the same batch and he seemed fine, so why wasn't she?
She tried to force another bite, but that smell hit her full force again and she grimaced. She felt Daryl eyeing her before he asked a quiet, "You good?"
"Yeah, I think. Does this taste off to you?"
"Nah," he started, seeming a little confused by her suddenly questioning his cooking skills, "Only made it last week. Should be fine for at least another month or two. Why?"
"Nothin'. I pro'lly just got a chunk of gristle or somethin'."
"'S already trimmed Beth. Y' know we're usin' that for oil," He added, now seeming a little insulted at her insinuation.
But them Beth was retching. She vaguely registered Daryl's hands pulling the tail of her braid away from her face as she first spit up the mouthful of meat she had swallowed before following up with her meager breakfast.
"A'ight, we're goin' back." Daryl said after she had finished.
"I'm fine. Just give it a minute to pass..."Beth started, hands still braced against her knees as she took slow deep breaths. She knew it was only the residual morning sickness, and if it followed the pattern it had been for the past couple of weeks then she would be feeling fine after a little bit of water and in no more than an hour. Daryl couldn't know that though. How could he be expected to given that she hadn't told a soul (barring Merle) about her pregnancy?
"We're goin' back," Daryl repeated, more forcefully this time, "We're only a half hour out, an' I ain't waitin' till we're in the middle o' fuckin' nowhere to carry your ass back."
It made Beth smile despite her now horrible tasting mouth. She knew there would be no point in arguing with him unless she planned on telling him the source for her frequent boughs of sickness lately, and if he'd been worried for her over a little bit of food sickness, Beth couldn't even begin to imagine his reaction to that news...
"You going to piggyback me home again?" She said instead.
Daryl scoffed, "Should o' known it'd come back to bite me in the ass."
Beth pulled the box of tea down from the cupboard. She was already dressed for bed, but sleep had evaded her. The hurt expression in Merle's eyes when she told him she didn't want him any longer was imprinted behind her eyelids. When she had felt that gentile touch of calloused fingers graze over her hip, she had wanted to hurt him. She wanted him to feel like he had made her feel on that porch; upset, alone...rejected. His words kept echoing around in her head:
"Maybe you should o' kept your damn legs closed."
She felt the corners of her eyes sting, but no; she wouldn't let herself cry over it anymore. She could do this alone...she would do this alone.
She was so lost in thought that she hadn't even heard Rick walk into the kitchen.
"You're still up?" Rick asked, placing his jacket on the back of one of the chairs.
Beth shook her head, trying to clear out some of the storm clouds that had gathered inside of her scull, "Couldn't sleep. What're you still doin' up?"
"Watch shift went late. Aiden never showed up."
"Yeah, that guy's a real piece o' work. Bothered me non-stop for weeks after we got here," Beth chuckled humorously, "No Aiden, I don't want to come over and listen to dubstep with you."
Rick laughed, "Yeah, I thought the main benefit of the apocalypse was supposed to be that I didn't have t' listen to that garbage anymore. Thank God that Carl was never big into that stuff."
Beth smiled, and it was quiet for a moment before Rick began,
"So, Daryl said that you got sick out there today."
"Right, yeah...I'm sure it was just something I ate."
Rick looked at her skeptically for a moment before his face turned serious, "Y'know, Lori dealt with that for a while. Was just a couple of years after we got married actually. Seemed to come out of nowhere, and all of the sudden she was getting sick from the smallest things. Seemed mostly to be triggered by smell, and after a while it got so bad she could hardly stand to be in the kitchen when I was cookin'. An' she had no idea what brought it on causin' it, so when it didn't get better after a couple o' weeks, she went to the doctor. Turned out that she was pregnant with Carl. We were happy of course, but she was just gettin' sick all the time."
"Rick..."
"Is there any reason to think you might be? Look, I ain't tryin' to pry into you're business but..."
Beth took a deep breath let her answer rush out with her exhale, "Yeah, I am."
Rick went stone silent for a long moment before dropping his head to pinch the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger before seeming to gather himself, "Okay...okay, we'll - we'll figure it out. We just gotta...I've just gotta find something, some medicine or somethin'. There's got t' be a pharmacy I haven't hit yet 'round here...o-or maybe somebody missed something on a run."
"You don' got to do that," She replied.
"Ok...uh... no pharmacy. We'll ask Denise. M-m-maybe s-she'll know some kind o' natural remedy or somethin'.
Rick had begun to pace back and forth along the length of the kitchen, and Beth got up from her seat to place a small but strong hand in the centre of his chest to stop him as he turned ack towards her.
"You, don't got to do do that Rick; I'm okay with it, really. There's nothing you need to try and fix for me."
Rick stared back at her, expression filled with worry, "Beth, you don't have to do this. I...please, just let me help you
"Rick, no. I want this baby. After the turn I didn't think I would get a chance to be a mother, but now I can. It's safe here Rick."
"It was safe at the prison; it was supposed to be safe there for Lori to have Judith. W-what if what happed to Lori happens to you? I just...I don't want you to die like that."
Beth felt her heart cracking for him; for the man who thought that everything was his problem to solve, and that every death was his to shoulder alone. She pulled him down into a tight hug, letting his head come to rest against her shoulder as he tried to control his breathing
"Does-does anyone else know?" His voice was tight, pained, as he choked out the question before allowing himself to leave her embrace.
"No, just the -" Beth tried not to cringe around the shape of the word in her mouth, "- father."
Beth saw the gears turning in his head, years of police training coming back into play as he tried to unwind the mystery of her baby's parentage.
"What happened on the porch before a couple o' weeks back; it's Daryl's baby ain't it? Is that why you've been keepin' it to yourself?"
Beth gave him a hard look before saying, "It wasn't Daryl..."
Rick instantly paled, "Merle?! You and-and Merle?!"
She shushed him harshly before answering with a curt, "Yes, Merle."
The tension was quiet between them for several moments before let out a exasperated breath. Beth could see him actively trying to fight off the temptation to voice his dislike of the other man.
"You know, Daryl's goin' to kill him when he finds out."
"I'm pretty sure Maggie's goin' to beat him to the punch there Rick.
Rick let out a surprised chuckle and just like that the tension fell away. Beth let out a relived breath as Rick pulled them into a second brief but tight embrace before pulling back to arms length and letting one of his hands rest on top of her shoulder. She covered it with her own before giving him one more reassuring nod, trying her best to confirm that things would be okay in the end.