A New Beginning

Chapter 10: Catalogues and Fears

Harry was alone in the family room. Though he had been with Narcissa, who had come over to check on him and the baby, ten minutes previously. Severus was making some potions, for Harry, for the Death Eaters, and for others. The twins had gone to join Severus after the appointment, they had some things to work on for Tom, who wanted to see what kinds of things they could make. Tom had a meeting with some Death Eaters after the appointment, so he had gone to attend to that. Harry, however, was still there.

Staring at the small pile of baby shop catalogues that Narcissa had given him so he could start looking for things for his unborn daughter.

Except, he wasn't really doing that. Not quite yet anyways. He was, in fact, just staring at the pile of catalogues on the coffee table in front of him. Staring at the front cover which showed a beautifully designed nursery and a railing of cute little baby clothes. His heart and stomach clenched, however, the more he looked at it, and the more his mind brought up all the possibilities that would make purchasing any of those things unnecessary.

His hand went to the small curve of his stomach and he rubbed it gently, fear almost consuming him the more the thoughts came. Tears spilling into his eyes. And for a moment he hated himself because for Merlin's sake he had had enough of being weak. He had had enough of being scared.

But his baby could die.

He knew that that was a possibility. He knew that everyone else knew it too, even if they didn't talk about it around him. They were preparing for everything, and that meant that they had to prepare for that too.

So… if his baby could die, then what was the point in buying anything for her?

It would hurt too much when he would have to pack it all away again, to never be used. Right?

He heard the door to the room open and close gently and the sound of shoes hitting the wooden floor. But his eyes didn't leave the catalogues, even as Severus called his name softly.

"Harry, are you alright?" Severus said as he sat down next to him, "I'm sorry I wasn't with you when Narcissa checked you over,"

"That's okay," Harry said, "You have work to do, too. You don't need to be with me at every moment. I… I don't want to be a burden,"

"You could never be a burden, Harry," Severus said, his voice ever so concerned, "What's wrong?"

"Narcissa gave me some catalogues, so I can start picking things out for the baby," Harry said.

"Okay. And why is that upsetting you? You don't have to start buying things unless you want to," Severus said gently, concerned.

"I…" he sighed and stood up, moving around the coffee table so he had room to pace. He was agitated. He, Merlin, he needed… something.

"Fuck. What's the bloody point in buying anything? She's gonna die, and then I'll have to pack it all away, and then it'll never be used, and all I'll have is boxes of stuff that were meant to be used for her, but never can be used for her," he ranted.

"Harry, is this about your nightmares?" Severus asked, still gentle, still concerned.

"No," Harry said, "Maybe a little bit. But… You all think she is gonna die, too. That's why we're preparing for everything, right? Even her death. Because I'm not healthy enough, my magic isn't-I'm not good enough to keep her in me, and she's gonna be born really early, and there'll be nothing you can do to help her, and I can't, I can't buy her things then have to put them away again because she can't use them, because she's dead," he shook his head, a tear leaking down his cheek, which he wiped roughly away with his hand because he couldn't keep crying like this.

He paced, and paced, and paced until Severus came to stand in front of him, stopping his movement, his eyes concerned, and sad, and understanding, and loving. The man's hands went to his shoulders and the warmth and pressure helped him to calm down a little, but didn't help with the emotions swimming around in him. Not really. Only he felt a little less scared now. Because he wasn't alone at that moment. He had his mum now.

"Harry, is it going to hurt any less, if she dies and you haven't got her anything?" Severus asked softly.

"N-no," Harry said.

"We don't think she's going to die, Harry. And I'm sorry you think we do. We just know it's a possibility. It is always a possibility, with every pregnancy. And so we need to prepare for that, and for everything else. If she does die, then know that it will never, ever be your fault. You have done so well, trying to keep her safe, and if your magic can't keep her in you for long enough, then we will do everything we can to try and keep her alive. Narcissa and I are prepared. But if she's born early, whether she lives or dies because of it, it's not your fault. It is the fault of the bastards who tried to take her from you without your permission. The fault will lie solely on their shoulders no matter what happens, and they will be punished for it. They will be punished for everything they have done to you," Severus said before pulling Harry gently into a hug.

Harry sunk into the warmth gratefully, breathing shakily as he tried to calm down his bloody mind, but it was rather difficult to do so.

"You don't have to buy anything for her until you're ready, Harry. But, at some point, we will need to buy her at least some things. A place to sleep, for example, clothes. If we are preparing for everything, then we are going to be preparing for her to live, too, aren't we?" Severus said.

"Yeah," Harry muttered into Severus' chest as Severus' hand gently rubbed his back.

"And we are going to do everything we possibly can to make sure that her living is the outcome of this pregnancy. But even if, for whatever reason that will be no fault of your own, she doesn't get to live, then having brought her some clothes, a crib, and whatever else we buy… having those things will not make anything hurt any more or less, but at least we will have something to remind us of her, that we can look at at any time," Severus said, his voice wavering slightly before he kissed the top of Harry's head.

"Did you… Did you buy anything for your baby? Did you keep it?" Harry asked quietly, so quietly part of him hoped that Severus hadn't heard the questions, he didn't want to pry too much, he didn't want to hurt him, but he wanted to know, too.

"I…" he heard, "I didn't get all that far along. I got to fourteen weeks before I lost him… But I did, I did buy a teddy, and a babygrow, and a hat. I still have them, in a little box,"

Harry looked up at Severus, who was smiling sadly down at him.

"I can show you them, some time, if you'd like?" Severus said.

"Oh, you don't have to do that, mum. That is for you, and his father if he's around. Is he around? Did he leave you? Did he hurt you?" Harry said fiercely, protectively.

"He… Well, we broke up like a year later, but it wasn't… It wasn't a bad break up. We are still friends, we just-I became a spy and he went off for work for a while, and we couldn't make it work long distance. Maybe if… if I had been able to carry our son to term, things would have been different, but," Severus said with a little bit of a shrug, a smile on his face at the protectiveness Harry was showing for him.

"So he didn't hurt you?" Harry asked.

"No, he didn't hurt me," Severus said.

"Good. Also, it's not your fault," Harry said.

"I know, Harry," Severus said, though Harry could tell that he didn't quite believe it.

"It's not your fault. I shall keep saying that until you believe me. And I should hope that he tells you that, too. Since you are still friends," Harry said, his voice still rather fierce.

"He does," Severus said, his lips twitching upwards slightly.

"Good. If he ever tells you anything different, let me know," his eyes narrowed dangerously.

"You don't even know who he is," Severus chuckled slightly.

"Well, I will find out, then I will find him, and I will drag his insides outside and do some other things that I can't quite think of right now, and it will be the least he deserves for hurting you like that," Harry said.

"Whatever you say, Harry," Severus said with a grin.

"Precisely," Harry said with a determined nod, and a smile up at his new mum.

Harry's stomach grumbled and he looked down, a little embarrassed.

"Right, let's get you something to eat shall we," Severus said.

"Sounds good, yeah," Harry said with a nod.

Severus led him out the room and to the kitchens, where the house elves fussed over both of them and Severus made them a small platter of sandwiches to share between them, because Harry was still struggling with food that wasn't prepared by someone he knew and trusted, or himself. They sat down at the island and enjoyed the food.

For a moment, thoughts of whatever may happen weren't swarming around his mind. And that was good.

Hiya, how are you all today?

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on everything that has happened so far and where you think the story is going, etc. or for things you might like to see as the story progresses. Even if it is just something small.

Also, I have Tumblr now. My username is marauderingpaige if you want to go and give me a follow over there. I also have one more focussed on personal life and writing, username is paigemakepeacewrites. And I have a Discord server, too, a new one! If you would like the link then feel free to drop me an email (my address can be found on my profile) or message me on social media, or join my Facebook group, and I will happily share it with you.

I have also now started writing a fanfiction for House M.D. It is an omega verse fic with House as the omega and Wilson as the alpha. If you love the show as much as I do then feel free to go and check it out. It is called Lights Will Guide You Home.

Also, I am working on some Spotify playlists for my fanfics, so if you can think of any songs you think work with the stories as they are so far, or where you think they are going, or songs that give you the vibes you get from the stories, then please do let me know and I will give them a listen, then potentially add them to the playlists. If you would like to go and give them a listen as they are now then you can find me on Spotify under the name Maraudering_Paige. They aren't that long at the moment, but we are making progress and I will continue adding to them the more music I listen to and when I have the time to do so. But still, if you can think of any relevant songs then do let me know.

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Kind regards,

Paige xx