One Month

It had been one month.

One month since he had gone undercover before asking for permission.

One month since she was forced to go to his undercover house trying to save his marriage and found him only in his underwear.

One month since she had to pretend to be a prostitute to save his ass.

One month since…

She shivered at the thought. It had been one month since the only idea that popped into her head was to undress in his bathroom and pretend like he had called her to pay for sex.

She had pressed herself half naked against him. Even though they were in present danger at the time, she couldn't ignore the reaction her body had to being skin to skin with him. Or the reaction his body had. He had tensed the second she touched him. He could barely speak. She had seen the redness spread across his chest and up his neck.

She felt her pulse beat lightly in her ears and her breath quickened at the thought. The simple thought that Elliot Stabler was possibly… aroused.

By her…

Cragen had told him to take a week after he had been shot. Of course, he didn't listen and came right back the next day to finish what he started. After Bushido was in custody Elliot did finally go home. After that long week without him, Cragen told her Elliot had put in to use some vacation time.

Vacation time.

It was bad enough that they never really had a chance to talk about what happened between them, and then he went and took more time off. It had been a very long month without him.

She stood and moved from her desk to the coffee maker. She needed to be doing something other than thinking about how good it felt to have her arms around his neck. How good it felt to push her breasts against his chest… but every day he was gone the harder it got to stop picturing… things… his hands… his bare chest… his lips…

She groaned inwardly at herself when she felt heat slide up into her cheeks.

If he had come back after that week, they could have… joked about it… maybe talked about it in not so many words. But this… this hanging on by a thread… wondering what he was thinking. It was killing her.

They had been partners for ten years. Ten years of looks that lasted too long, touches that weren't warranted, but just had to happen… ten years of their own secret language. Ten years of knowing each other better than… well anyone.

And yet this subject… the subject of them was something put on a high shelf and never spoken about. Sure, she knew he would take a bullet for her, and she would take one for him. That went without saying. But the late nights, the looks… he always seemed to anticipate her every move, her every thought… it was complicated to say the least.

Ugh she needed a cold shower.

She moved back to her desk and flipped open the case she was working on. Cragen had sent her out alone since Elliot was still on leave after being shot. She worked well with Fin, and Munch, but no one had her back like Elliot. They just worked better together than separate.

She felt a slice of guilt hit her. If only she hadn't followed so far behind… maybe she could have stopped him from being shot.

She pretended to be deep in thought looking at the paper in front of her but all she could think about was how close she came to losing him. Her stomach twisted a little and her mind flashed to the scene on the street of him barely breathing… bleeding on the sidewalk.

She shook her head trying to get those images out. He had made it through. He was ok.

But was she?

She took a deep breath and leaned back into her chair lacing her fingers together behind her head. She closed her eyes and just tried to focus on her breathing. His words rang in her ears.

…not tonight…

They ripped through her. The way he sounded… so breathless almost. Like it killed him to have to tell her… not tonight.

She rolled her eyes at herself. She needed some fresh air.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot laid on his couch flipping through the paper.

His new place was quiet.

Too quiet. He tried to make the most of the rest of his time off, but all he could seem to think about anymore was her.

He missed her.

When he first came home after going undercover Kathy was silent. She wouldn't speak to him. It took her almost three days before she said anything to him. It wasn't the first time he'd gotten the silent treatment from her, but he figured since he'd been shot that maybe she would have cut him some slack.

But she didn't. He tried to tell her he was sorry for going undercover and not telling her. It all just happened so quickly. She turned to him and said,

"I'm sure you found the time to tell Olivia…" before she walked away leaving him stunned.

He wanted to stop her and yell back at her. Tell her not to bring Olivia into this. He felt his anger boil up inside him, but he opened his mouth to say something, and nothing came out. Nothing came out because… she was right.

Olivia is his partner. She has been with him for ten years. They had seen a lot together. Been there for each other when no one else could understand. Their connection went so deep and was so instantaneous, out of self-preservation he never let himself talk about it.

With anyone.

Except Olivia. And it was almost always a silent communication. With a lingering look, or a small touch on the rare occasion. After Gitano was the one and only time, they had actually spoken about it with words. Very little words, but words that held such weight they had almost crushed them.

So much weight that Olivia transferred to computer crimes. But she came back. Then she ran off to Oregon. Which he didn't ever like to think about. It was quite a dark time for him. He blamed Special Agent Dana Lewis for that more than anything. She was the one who basically pushed Liv to stay undercover as Persephone.

So how could Kathy ever understand? How could anyone?

They had argued about Olivia before. Kathy didn't hate her, but there was resentment there. When she had first met Olivia, Kathy had been nervous. Once she got to know her, she trusted her. Or trusted her enough to send him home at night alive and to his family.

They had never crossed that line. He had never cheated on his wife. But his mind… well he couldn't control his dreams. He had dreamed about Olivia many times. Some were nightmares. One particular one of her bleeding out at the train station, a cut to her throat and he wasn't quick enough to save her had terrorized him on more than one occasion. But most of them were dreams of things he couldn't possibly know. Dreams of what it would be like to kiss her. To hold her… to know how it felt to have her legs wrapped around him moaning his name.

She is so beautiful…

He had always known that. But the longing he felt in his chest… in his heart… for her… it was something else. Something he buried deep down inside of him for almost ten years. A few dreams and a quick glance here or there certainly wouldn't constitute cheating… right?

But he knew down in his soul pieces of him gravitated to her. Pieces he didn't even know existed. Pieces that didn't belong to his wife, but to her. Only her, and he carried the guilt of that with him every day.

That whole week he had dreamt of Olivia. Her coming out of that bathroom in her black bra…

…Are you ready for me Daddy?

He couldn't get the feeling of her skin on his out of his mind. He tried so hard not to touch her when she was more than willing to wrap her arms around him, pressing herself up against him. He knew she did it to try to cover why she was there… but it stirred something in him, and now he couldn't think of anything but her.

It was another two days before Kathy had spoken to him again. It was a Friday. The kids were at school, and Eli was playing with blocks in the living room. He came into the kitchen to find her sitting at the table with a cup of tea. Waiting for him. The last two nights he had slept on the couch in the family room.

"We need to talk." She said.

Elliot felt a twinge of guilt, and fear… and a small amount anger. So now she wanted to talk he thought. He moved to the coffee maker in need of caffeine. He filled the reservoir with water and got out a filter, filling it with coffee grounds. He kept his back to her, grabbing a mug and waiting.

"Elliot…" Kathy said. He could tell her patience was almost nonexistent at this point, but she was the one who didn't want to talk all week, so she could wait another five minutes.

"Fine… I'll start." She said. She waited a few seconds before she spoke again.

"Elliot… I want a divorce." She said flatly.

He stilled at the counter at her words. Part of him felt a sinking feeling. And part of him… honestly wasn't surprised. They had been going through the motions for months now. Nothing had really been fixed from their first separation.

She wasn't one for making a big scene. She didn't want to yell; she didn't want to fight. She had a lot of time to think about this. Shortly after Eli was born Elliot went back to work. The reconnection they had after he found out Kathy was pregnant again, had fizzled. Elliot had always tried to do the right thing by his family, support them, try to be there… be a good dad. But Kathy was tired of being secondary. Tired of being a duty. She deserved more and he knew it.

Somewhere over time they had grown into different people. He wouldn't have traded anything in the world for his family, but he and Kathy were so young when they got together. And Kathy getting pregnant with Maureen had sealed their future. But now, things were different, and Kathy was done. Elliot would have stayed out of duty and commitment, but neither of them would have been happy.

He knew it was over. He just didn't have it in him to end it. He was a coward for making her finally have to do it.

After something akin to grief washed over him at knowing his marriage was truly at an end, he turned around leaning on the counter and looked at Kathy.

She pulled out the original divorced papers he had signed and given to her from the drawer in the kitchen and laid them on the table.

"I'm filing these later today. If you are still ok with all the original terms we established?" She questioned.

All he could do was nod.

She looked down at the papers in her hands and sighed. Then she looked back up at him.

"I will always love you El… you will always be the father of my children. But we both deserve a chance to live. Not just go through the motions." Then she stood up, folded the papers and tucked them under her arm and went to go check on Eli.

He had called Cragen the next day to tell him. He needed to use his vacation time to get his affairs in order. Talk to their kids… find an apartment.

And now here he was. Alone on a Saturday. The first Saturday he had spent single in over two decades. And his only thought was of Olivia.

He missed her.

He had wanted to text her the whole time he was gone, but he just didn't know what to say.

Hey Liv, how's it going?

Hey you miss me yet?

Oh hey by the way Kathy filed for divorce and I moved out.

Everything he started to type felt stupid, and now it had been almost a month… total radio silence. And yet all he'd really done was think about her.

He sighed out loud and ran his hand down his face. Ok he thought, he just needed to call. He needed to tell her before he came to work on Monday without his wedding ring on. He knew she'd be hurt if he showed up to work and hadn't even so much as tell her before everyone else found out.

Much would probably be the first to notice, ask about his ring and he knew the look Olivia would give him. It was like being divorced four times gave him a spidey sense to know when someone else joined the club. He couldn't have that.

He took another deep breath pulled out his phone and hit the speed dial. Rip the band aide off.

It rang three times before she answered.

"Hey, I was just about to send out a search party." She said.

He laughed. God he missed her.

"I'm alive… thanks." He said.

Olivia smiled, grateful to hear his voice, and surprised that he even called her. Usually when he took time off, they didn't really talk because she didn't want to intrude on him and his family. He'd call sometimes late at night to see how things were going, but it wasn't more than work talk and a quick see you soon.

She waited for him to say something. He was the one who had called after all.

"So…" he said. The nervousness was setting in. He couldn't do this over the phone. He needed to see her. To gage her reaction… it was too easy for her to say she had to go because of a case, so he decided… in person. That's how he was going to do this. That's how he should do this.

"Everything ok El?" she asked, clearly concerned by how long he had paused saying nothing.

"Yea… yea everything is fine… well… kind of. I mean, that's why I was calling." He said feeling like an idiot. She was at the precinct. He heard all the hustle and bustle and Fin making some crack at Munch.

He wished he was sitting there across from her, instead of alone in his apartment.

"Oh?" she questioned. Olivia felt her stomach flip. What could have happened in the month he'd been gone. Did Kathy finally get her way and have him transfer? Or worse… was he retiring? Her mind was running with the possibilities that the last time she saw him would be the last time she would ever see him, but his voice broke her tailspin.

"Can you meet me later tonight?" he said.

"Ah… sure… where?" she asked hesitantly. She still wasn't sure if this was good or bad news he was going to be breaking to her tonight, but whatever it was he wanted to do it in person, so if he was leaving her… at least… she'd see him one more time.

He let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding and said, "How about Mickey's… 8:30?" he asked, his voice sounding less nervous, more relived.

"Ok El… 8:30… you sure everything is ok? I mean, you're not dying or anything right?" she asked trying to take her own edge off her voice.

He laughed again, and it made her smile. He always had a way of calming her nerves.

"I might be dying of boredom but nothing else serious. You'd know if there was something… serious Liv… you know that right?" he said, and this time she let the breath out she was holding.

"Yea… I know." She said and a small tight smile crossed her face. Relief flooded her mind and her heart at his words. Because if something crazy was happening with him, she'd know… he'd make sure.

"See you soon El." She said feeling better than she had two hours ago.

"Yea… soon." He said, and he heard her hang up.

He laid his phone down and closed his eyes. He pictured her sitting across from him, laughing at Fin, her gorgeous smile, and he heard her laugh. A laugh that could heal every part of him.

He cleared his throat. He needed to get up and get ready for this, he couldn't just lay here and fantasize about her. He was going to see his partner after a month of no contact, for the first time… as a single man. He needed to get his head straight and figure out what he was going to say… how he was going to tell her.

The image of Olivia in her lace bra popped back up in his mind. He was about to push it back out, but then he remembered he didn't need to. He probably shouldn't considering she was his partner, but… he didn't have to… he was single.

Maybe… for just a little long he'd let himself think of her… remember the feel of her skin on his chest… the smell of her hair… before he got up to get ready.