Everybody familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes and the sentiments are mine.
I think everyone who has ever met me would agree that I'm nosy, that I always need - or more accurately want - to see what's going on. But not today. And definitely not here. Ranger's fingers could charge mine with assault because I've had his hand in a vise grip since we landed. And I have no intention of letting go.
That's not unusual when I'm scared or feeling out of place, but what would shock Mary Lou if she were here is how I had my nose pressed into Ranger's shoulder blade, refusing to look around him at the scene playing out in real time in front of us.
I know it isn't fair to resent the people enjoying their family, fireworks, and grilled food, because I was one of them before I met Ranger. But right now, right here in this hospital room, I felt a burst of anger that life can go on out there while we're standing here watching one come to an end.
"Thank you for coming," I heard a small voice say.
"I wouldn't be anywhere else," Ranger assured Liberty Kelton … aka Libby, wife of Levon Kelton who is an Army Ranger my Ranger had helped train. "And I didn't come alone." He used the hand I was strangling to tug me from behind him. "Stephanie, meet Libby."
"Nice to meet you," I told her. "But I can't say how sorry I am for the location."
I wanted to kick myself when she broke eye contact to glance back down to the man lying motionless on the hospital bed. "You and me both," she said a beat later.
I felt Ranger's arm curl around my shoulders. I honestly don't know if he needed the support or if he knew I did. And I can't say what I'd been expecting, maybe someone as unflappable as Ella or one larger than life like Ranger's sister Celia. But Libby is Mary Alice-sized with honey blond hair and emerald-green eyes. Her wearing my typical uniform of worn jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt added to her 'I'm breakable' appearance. Yet I could feel the sheer force of her will trying to pull her husband out of unconsciousness and far away from death's door.
I'd be dressed exactly like her if Ranger wasn't wearing his dress uniform with more hardware decorating it than I've managed to rock on a good 'Jersey Girl' day. I didn't want to take away from the seriousness of this visit, so I decided on a simple navy, pinstripe dress and black heels. I can't compete with Batman in all his military glory, so I went with just not embarrassing him.
"How are you holding up?" Ranger broke the unnatural silence to ask Libby.
Her head shaking back and forth answered that question before she spoke. "Not well. I keep telling myself that this can't be happening, that this is just the reoccurring dream I've had since he told me he was being deployed. And then I look down and see him … who isn't Levon anymore. He's already gone but I can't let him go!"
She finished on a sob that she valiantly tried to hold in. I let go of Ranger and nudged him forward so he could do his freaky comfort-thing.
"He wouldn't want you to cry," he told Libby, careful as he turned her away from the bandages, machines, and too many stitches to count that held her husband together until she could reach him.
My guy wrapped her in a loose hug and tried to transfer some of his strength to her. "I know," she finally said. "But I don't know what else to do. I can't lose him."
There isn't anything we can say to that. As hard as it is to believe, there are some things Ranger doesn't have the power to change.
"Kelt would agree and tell you that you can't lose him. He loved you harder than he fought, which makes him a permanent part of you. You'll keep him and his legacy alive until that day you're reunited with him. In the meantime, you have me, Steph, and Tank at your service in honor of his."
She completely lost it then, which I suspect was Batman's goal. He can stay as stoic as a cement statue if it suits him, but he won't let anyone else stuff their pain down where it could resurface at an unfortunate time and damage them further.
"I'm sorry," she said a full nine minutes later, not that I had my eyes glued to the clock, so I didn't have to look at what was done to Levon when the building he was in the process of clearing was struck by mortar fire.
His heart continued to beat but everything else had seen the writing on the wall and in his chart. And I'm guessing what kept that single organ going is standing in front of me, hiding her tear-stained face with her hands.
Ranger tugged them away from her cheeks and placed a handful of Kleenex from a box beside the bed into them. "You have nothing to be sorry for. This hurts. And it will for a long time. But the best thing you can do is take good care of Levon's wife, like he made me promise to do."
"I'm stronger than I look."
He nodded. "I'm glad you think so. Have you eaten anything?"
She shook her head again.
"I'm sure this place has a cafeteria. I can go with you. Or … I can bring something back," I added when she didn't seem at all interested in leaving the room.
"Go on," Ranger encouraged. "I'll stay right here. I have a few things I'd like to say to Sergeant Kelton."
Her lips twisted in a frown. "The doctors are pretty confident in telling me that he'll never regain consciousness."
Ranger gave her a genuine smile. "Do you think that'll stop him from listening to me?"
"No. He idolizes," she paused. "Idolized you." She moved back to Levon's bedside. "If he's still in here," she pressed a kiss to his bandaged head, "or in here," she gestured to the room. "He'll hear you."
"I won't take up too much of your time with him," Batman promised.
I walked to the door and held it open for her. "I guess I should've asked where to go before I suggested the cafeteria."
Despite her heart being currently ripped to shreds, she remained polite and really, really sweet. "I haven't been there, but I was told where it was. I'm not hungry, I'm just giving Levon's hero some time to say the same thing back to him. I know my breakdown back there didn't convey it, but my husband lived and fought hard for what he believed in. Not many people can say that, and it gives me a small measure of comfort to know he has no regrets. Those are all mine."
I got us each a cup of coffee and some packaged snacks in case Ranger asked if I got her to eat. She really doesn't have any weight to spare. When I sat down at the table across from her, I asked what she meant by her regrets comment. I wasn't expecting her to answer, we did just meet a half-hour ago, but I bet talking about anything right now would be a welcomed distraction.
"Levon's dad bailed when he was four years old, so we agreed to wait to have kids until he could be home longer than six months at a time," Libby shared. "Talk about being arrogant."
"How so?" I asked her. "Sounds like a smart plan. More people should stop and think before procreating. It's not a job you wanna learn on the fly."
The sound she made wasn't a sigh or a snort, and it definitely wasn't anything tied to humor. "We thought we had time. How stupid is that? Believing we'd be together for decades and could wait to make all the life-changing decisions. Now I'm going to be left all alone to face a life we were supposed to share."
Her voice remained emotionless, but her index finger was trying to wipe away tears before they could fall. Truth is, I think she'd need more than the ten fingers she has to catch them all. She was successful in keeping her voice monotone, the hurt staying out of it. But the pain was leaking relentlessly out of her cat eyes.
I wanted to do something, like squeeze her shoulder or go in for a hug, but I was afraid to. I've been in her position only in my mind, which is one reason I was so scared to love Ranger out loud. And an irrational part of me was terrified that if I had any contact with her, I'd be in her place next. Like tragedy is contagious or something.
I dug a small package of tissues out of my bag and just said what I was thinking when I passed them to her. "I don't know what to do or say to make you feel better, because I know nothing can make this better. Can I give you a hug, a hand to crush, or a pint of ice cream?"
She didn't smile, but I could feel her sadness ease for a moment. "Thanks, but I'm okay."
I tried to smile for both of us. "No, you're not. But you know Ranger and I will always be here for you, and help you become a little less devastated over time."
"Fat chance. He's my entire world."
I nodded, for the first time in my life knowing what she meant. I'm not a religious person, but during some of our iffier situations, I asked to be taken out with Ranger so I wouldn't have to go on without him. I'm betting Levon's response if Libby told him something like that would be exactly like Ranger's … that we're strong women with our whole lives ahead of us and we couldn't allow grief to kill us. So, I've never told Batman my secret prayer. And now I have to stand by and watch my biggest fear happen to somebody else.
This time the sound she made was a sigh. "I know I said I'd give them some time, but I really need to see him."
I pushed my chair back without hesitation. She needed to see Levon and I needed Ranger.
"Unfortunately, Ranger has plenty of experience in … this," I paused in case I accidentally offended her, but Libby was already heading towards the cafeteria's door.
"He'll understand," I finished when I caught up to her.
And he did. Ranger stepped aside when we walked back into Levon's room and relinquished his spot by the head of the bed. Libby took her place by her young husband's side and stayed there until he crossed from this life to a hopefully much better, more peaceful one.
Everything that happened right after was a complete blur except for when Ranger told me I'd be leaving Germany without him. He wanted to be the one escorting his man - his friend - back to the states.
"I know you have strings you can pull; can't I go too?" I had to ask.
"I'm afraid not, Babe. This is something personal between Kelt and I."
"Exactly! You need to be there for him, and I should be there for you. You shouldn't have to hurt this much alone."
"I won't be alone. He'll always be with me."
"I know that, but …"
"No buts. Tank will make sure you and Liberty get back safely. She'll need someone with her when we land."
I felt like an idiot for not looking that far ahead. "You're right. I can hold her hand and Tank can hold her up if it comes to that."
Because it would come to that if our positions were reversed.
Turns out, Libby wasn't bullshitting us, she is much stronger than she looks. Her entire body stiffened when the doors of the plane opened. Six men in uniform would be carrying the casket, draped respectively with an American flag, when they all made it on land. But a different somber group moved the casket from the belly of the plane onto the special cart used to transport it. The entire time, Ranger stood on the tarmac saluting Levon.
I'm horrible when it comes to funerals, but this ceremony honoring a hero is more awe-inspiring than sad. Maybe that's why Libby isn't balling, wailing, or passing out despite her body trembling uncontrollably as her husband drew closer. It was clear to everyone here; Levon made a difference in more than just her life.
Tank stood on the other side of her, and we each had an arm around her, forming a supportive 'X' across her back. But other than staring transfixed at the men approaching her, she didn't react more than the telltale tremors. And I'd bet if she could, she would've ordered her body to stop giving her pain away.
Her words were barely a whisper, but I heard them like they were as loud as the crack of a rifle. A gunshot to the gut is exactly what her words felt like.
"Why did you leave me?"
She wasn't talking to us, so Tank and I remained silent and just looked at each other over her head. As always, Ranger was one step ahead of us. He became an immovable object beside Liberty as she hugged the flag-covered casket while her tears, followed by outright sobs, broke free.
"Sorry," she said a few minutes later. "I didn't want to do that."
"But you needed to," Ranger told her.
She wiped her face again, took a deep breath, and then met his eyes. "I'm ready to go now."
He nodded to indicate he heard her, but he didn't move until Tank stepped up with a small black box.
"I had this made for you," My guy shared, taking her hand and placing the jewelry box on her palm. "I can't give Levon back to you, but I wanted you to have part of him always with you."
I narrowed my eyes at Tank, because he mentioned nothing about this, and then I moved to Ranger's side to see what it was. Now that Libby was calm again, and her hands were busy, he dropped an arm around me.
I held my breath until she was turning the personalized dog tag around and around in her hand. I know some guys will pass the dog tags they wear in battle onto someone they love, but this one is brand new, colorful, and had Libby crying again.
On the front of it had the Army Ranger logo in black and yellow, but that wasn't what had her - and now me - choking up. It was the thumbprint on the back beneath Levon's full name, rank, and their wedding date.
"Kelt would want you to remember your wedding day, not the date you lost him," Ranger explained.
She was so touched, she couldn't speak, but she managed to mouth 'Thank You' to him before the Honor Guard got into position to lift Levon up and carry him to the Hearst waiting nearby.
Likely knowing how emotional I get during things like this, he stayed by my side as we followed Libby and Tank.
"I'm so sorry," I said in a quiet voice so I wouldn't hurt Libby.
She lost the love of her life, but Ranger just lost a friend. As expected, he wasn't about to let this Memorial Day be about him.
"If you're fortunate," he began, "you never have to think about days like this. If you're lucky, you only have to make it through this once. If the military is your life and your family like it is mine, you learn quickly that you can lose men and women - friends and loved ones - on a battlefield, in hospitals, and at home every day, not just the one that brings the Nation's attention to it."