(Early Author's Note: Good day, good evening, or good night everyone! You may know me, you may not. I am TaleBearer42Day and to some it is known I am a former employee of Tzeentch, and while there's no love lost between us I am a big fan of him in TWW. So with that, my recent discovery of the meme of Foghorn Leghorn being in animes, and my brain activating in a way akin to Jimmy Neutron, I found and dusted off an old book I wrote for Tzeentch once upon a time.
I did say I'm not working for him anymore.
I hope you all enjoy these cozy little one-shot stories of a giant rooster causing more Change than he thought he would (or particularly wanted). Now enjoy...)
Oh, and the following are to help add story elements:
"Boy, I say, boy" = Talking
"Boy, I say, boy" = Thinking
Boy, I say, boy - Middle Alignment = POV
Somewhere - Middle Alignment = Location
"Boy, I say, boy" = Flashback
Crash! - Left Alignment = Sound effect
Severed Universe = Special technique/Attack move
There are many realms and planes of existence in the wide, wide Multiverse. Fantastical ones, mystical ones, normal ones, and ethereal ones.
Oh, and there's also one that's a MUCH worse version of Hell.
The Realm of Chaos; full of all manner of wicked Daemons and Gods. But there are 4 in particular that are of more renown than others.
Nurgle, Chaos God of disease, decay, entropy and stagnation. Some say he's the oldest of the Big 4, and is behind every death caused by plague.
Slaanesh, Chaos God of sex, drugs, rock n' roll, and ecstasy. He (or she, depending on the God's mood) is always whispering in mortals' ears, wanting them to go beyond their base urges and feel complete and utter pleasure in all things. Though the apparent weakest of the 4, the others secretly fear him/her, for the deepest and darkest desires of humanity (over which he/she holds sway) may never truly go away.
Khorne, Chaos God of blood, death, skulls and war. Besides him being the current strongest, there's not really much to say. Besides the fact he once got locked out of his own Citadel, got betrayed by his top Bloodthirster, and can usually be caught muttering such things as "Muh skulls…" and "You better git on and bring me muh blood!"
And finally Tzeentch, Chaos God of magic, lies, deceit, and knowledge. Once the most powerful of the Chaos Gods, the others feared his power and cast him down from a high cliff, shattering his body into a thousand thousand pieces. Now considerably weakened, he and his brother Gods were locked in a near-eternal state of equilibrium. None could fully get a lead over the other, at least not for long.
But now… Now Tzeentch had a most cunning scheme to change that stagnant state of affairs. For if there is ONE thing Tzeentch hates, it's stagnation.
So here in the Impossible Fortress, Tzeentch sits above the Well of Eternity and plots. His form is that of a skinny, blue-skinned giant with four gangly arms, two gangly legs, three pairs of massive wings that shimmered with every color imaginable whenever they moved, and three long-necked bird heads. The right one was a raven's head, the middle an eagle's, and the left a vulture's. His legs were crossed and his arms rubbing his temples.
"I SEE… Yes, when the hOrn blows, Universes shall fall…"
His three voices spoke in a headache-inducing myriad of tones. Godly power caused the room to change and shift like a swirling maelstrom until he found himself within the Secret Library; his personal room filled with all manner of books. One in particular giving fully detailed narrations of other universes and worlds, growing ever bigger and bigger with new worlds beginning while keeping from becoming too cumbersome with many worlds dying and being erased.
Tzeentch floated to a levitating bookshelf and grabbed a book with a band of looney-looking, anthropomorphic animal characters on the cover. "HmhEyaackahahhh! Wonderful." He chuckled, then opened the book to a part detailing the actions of a rooster. "I must have a LoyaL if BrainlEss voice. PowER and ForcE in his voiCe, and a good worshipper once he's Tempted…"
Then the Chaos God suddenly willed himself into the world through the book, writing himself into a small part of that universe's story.
In another world
On the Farm
On a simple Farm somewhere in the South, a large rooster on two legs was walking down by the river with a fishing rod in one hand and a box of various fish baits. "I say, I say, this is as fine a day as any ta do some fishin'! Ain't nothin' betta' than a good days' work of using yer own two hands, I say." he spoke, his southern accent strong and clear.
"Plus, I said, I said, plus, it might get that dang dog n' cat to give me a day of peace!" he muttered.
But then he turned to the 4th Wall and said "Don't y'all agree? Fish, I said, fish is a surprising way ta get other animals off ya back. I swear, boy, there's always somethin'. A'course, I also got a previous engagement around here somewhere. I'm a Motivational Adviser, I say, a Motivational Adviser, see? I say, there they are now!" He pointed further down the river at a rickety dock jutting into the water with three figures loitering on it. He then brought up his hand so as to whisper and said "I say, I say, you can tell 'cause they got the faces of people who don't got any other reason for being here 'sides waiting for someone." before walking towards them with a whistling tune on his lips (or beak, I guess).
Speaking of loiterers, two were pacing along the dock as the third leaned back on a chair, one leg crossed and both arms behind his head. "Calm down, you two." he said in a laid-back manner. "I just wanted to talk to you about…" He paused, causing the two to stop.
"Well?" said one, her eyebrow raised and hands on her hips. The other looked between the two before going back to pacing. He just liked to keep moving.
"Well… I found a mini-fridge stashed away in the living room earlier today, and it was full of sweet tea."
…
…
"You didn't drink it, did you?" asked the pacer, suddenly stopping.
"No, Jay, I didn't drink it. Not all of it, anyways. I just wanted to tell you that that particular tea was very, very sweet. Almost made my heart beat three times as fast! Now I know you two like your tea—I do too—but the amount of sugar you put in there was… too much, I'd say. Now I know you probably don't want to hear any of this from me. I mean, who wants to hear anything from their eldest sibling?"
The other two sighed in relief at this. Long-winded speech avoided.
"Which is why you're gonna hear it from a Motivational Adviser instead."
Shock!
Outrage!
The speaker looked at their faces and said "Hey now, none of that. Okay, so since he wasn't already here he must have spent the past hour outsmarting a dog and failing to woo a hen… He should then be here… Ah, there he is!" He pointed down the river and the three saw a large rooster on two legs walking towards them with a rod and bait box.
"Now, his name is Foghorn Leghorn, and he's gonna do some talking. Lots and lots of talking. Bear with him, okay? Hey, Foghorn! Over here!"
Foghorn waved his fishing rod as he walked up, saying "Good morning, I say, good morning! How are we all? Now I say, I say, I am yer Motivational Advisor for today, I said, Motivational Advisor for today." He walked past all three and sat on the edge of the dock, set down his box and opened it to pull out a worm, saying "Aah, y'all think I'm gonna eat this worm, dontcha? Well boys and gal, I say, boys and gal, this here worm is my fishin' bait. Not all birds are hungry, hungry herons for worms now, boys and gal!" Then he put the worm on the end of his fishing rope and set it into the river.
"I say, now as your sittin'-down, thumb-twidlin' brother probably told you, my name is Foghorn Leghorn—don't forget it now—and I am, I said, I am a Motivational Advisor. Allow me to give ya a scenario of what my life, I say, my life, is all about. I wake up every mornin' on the Farm over yonder, and try to help out the good people there in any way I can. I am currently unmarried, and I say, I say I usually have a good bit of time on my hands. Rooster though I may be, I don't go crazy like one when that snail's-pace sun crawls up. I give a single crow, I said, a single crow, and go 'bout my day. Now you kids are probably thinking "Ah yes! Today's the day I make myself some money and wad it all up and stuff it in my pockets!" Well, I say, I am here to tell you that you're probably gonna end up doing nothin' like a SLOTH ON A SUNDAY! Slow and weak like a NEWBORN! And THAT'S exactly what yer super sweet tea can do to you! 'Cause y'see, boy and gal—look at me when I'm talking to you now—your little beverage, bein' filled with so much sugar as it is, ain't gonna be good for ya. You'll eat leaves and grass, and end up as useful as a sloth on a Sunday. Now boy, I say, boy, why did you make such a classic beverage with so much, I said, I said, so much sugar?"
Jay shrugged his shoulders and simply replied "I just thought it needed to be sweeter. It's called sweet tea, after all."
Foghorn just slowly turned his head and stared at him for a moment before saying "Well cock-a-doodle-do, look at you! We've got ourselves a simplest, I say, I say, a simplist here! Say, boy, tell me, is that Fatt Bowley over there?"
Jake looked dumbfounded before saying "Err, well, I just think their tea is too sweet is all." Then the girl, Judith, said "Oh come off it, Jake! It's great as sweet as it is! You just don't want to enjoy the good stuff!"
"Now, girl, I say, girl, there's no need to snap at your own kin like that! I say, I say, the best way for y'all to solve this cottoned conundrum is to balance the tea, I said, balance the tea. Fair amount a sugar with an equal amount of plain tea mixed in, ya hear?"
All at once the three siblings started protesting, with Judith and Jay wanting it sweeter while Jake wanted it significantly less sweet. Foghorn felt a tug on his rod then and said "Hush, I said, hush now, all of you. These kid's mouths are like doors, opening and closing all the time without calm or quiet." Then he waited till the tug was strongest and pulled with all his might, only to fall flat on his back and find nothing but his worm, still on the hook. He sat back up and held the worm, saying "And let that be a small lesson is patience, I said, patience. But to the main thing, I say boy—I'm talking to you Jake—ya gotta accept the sugary sweetness of the tea! It's all about balance in ya life. Too much sugar and it'll get you faster than a roadrunner in the dessert, for a time. Then, I say, then you'll start to slow down, as slow as a sloth on a Sunday, before you stop and shut down for who knows how long! And boy, I say, boy, another good example…" he then tossed the worm onto Jake's lap.
CRREEEAAAAKKKKK
SNAP!
"Oooh–WAAAGH–?!"
Splash!
The weight of that one worm (miniscule though it was) was just enough to cause that rickety old chair's legs to snap, sending Jake backward and into the river. He thrashed about for a bit as the current began to drag him along, and Foghorn calmly set his fishing rope back into the water near Jake. He caught it, and was fished right out of the river and on top of his siblings with two fish biting his feet. Miraculously, the worm survived.
"Yipee!" he cried, and began to wriggle away.
Until Foghorn snatched him and tossed him back into his box. "Now see what I mean, boy? Until that worm landed on ya you were as even as two turtle doves in a pear tree! Now look at you; all tangled in a heap and soaking wet to boot. I say, I say, I hope this taught y'all a good lesson in balance. Now if you'll excuse me, I best be headin' home." He then grabbed the two fish, stepped over the groaning heap, and whistled a tune on his way back to the Farm.
"Judith? Jay?"
"Yeah, Jake?"
"What is it?"
"I think some sugary sweet tea, moderately made, would be good right about now."
"So do we!" The three then embraced each other and headed home, passing an old van down by the river.
Foghorn meanwhile was almost at the Farm's entrance when he suddenly tripped and fell. But instead of hitting dirt he kept falling.
And falling.
And falling.
And then suddenly rising.
And rising.
And rising.
And rising all the way into space. "Now I say, what on Tarnation Tuesday am I doing here?!" Foghorn cried as he found his fish, rod, and box all gone. Before he could say anything else though, a large raven started walking towards him. It was black as the darkest night, hunched over and with dark blue tips on all the feathers. Its eyes were rainbows and its beak twisted in a smile.
He spoke, his voice changing and fluctuating with every word spoken. "fInally. So wE mEet at last, Foghorn Leghorn. YOU're reputation as a MOtivational AdvisoR is known To ALl realms! Mine especially… Listen, hear me and obey! I–"
"Whoo-wee! Boy, I say, boy, you might need to wait a year or two more before you go strikin' up conversations with that voice of yours. I can't tell, I said, I said, I can not tell, if I'm talking to a grown man or a little boy! How old even are you, son?"
The raven was taken aback, and could only let out stuttering croaks, so surprised was he to be interrupted, that Foghorn spoke again and said "What's wrong, son? Crow got your tongue? Boy can croak like a frog, but talk like a broken doll… Hey, listen to me now, boy, and tell me where I am, I said, where I am?" But then the void they inhabited shook and trembled, flashes of blue and pink materialized as the raven cried "how daRE you, mortAl?! You speak to Tzeentch, the GoD of ChANge anD Destiny! Bow and knEel and sCrape! You HAve beeN Granted a quEst… to go and benD other worlds to MY tune." Foghorn stared at him like he was crazy before saying slowly, "Now boy, I want you to think mighty hard about the words you're speakin' right now. There ain't no taking 'em back! You claim to be the Lord Above, or so you say, but such a thing isn't a claim to stake or boast 'bout! And I say, I say, what other worlds are there? There's only Earth, I said, Earth, boy."
Tzeentch glowered, before waving his arms, saying "wE shall fiNd out on your JOurneY, now won't we…?" Then everything began to feel different, compressed, and Foghorn Leghorn saw no more as the world around him spun into incomprehensibleness.
(Ending Author's Note: And there it is! The prologue of a nostalgic story of my past. I'll keep looking for more pages and re-bind this old thing so you can read it in full. For now though I'd humbly appreciate reviews, follows, favorites, and for you to share this with others who may like either Warhammer or Looney Tunes (specifically Tzeentch and Foghorn, because that's all we're going to get). Farewell and stay safe, my Wordbringers!
...And be wary of hidden messages...
...The Weaver of All Fates is everywhere...)