Summary:
What had they joked about a few months back? That together they could form an "orphans' club". Or a "survivors' club". Fuck. Maybe a "child of a paid murderer" club would have been more appropriate. Though Kyra couldn't join him there.
It's Alex's first night in Malagosto and he's trying to process what Julia Rothmann has just told him.
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Notes:
Set during Season 3, Episode 3.
Title shamelessly stolen from a line in Hozier's Take Me to Church.
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1. Denial
He doesn't, won't, can't believe it.
From everything Ian had ever told him, his father had been an amazing man. Loving husband. Adoring parent. Patriot. Army man. Annoying big brother. Surprisingly terrible at DIY. Enthusiastic cyclist. Amateur gardener. Reasonable cook. Football fan. Teller of Dad jokes.
None of this tallies with him being a murderer or a violent contract killer. None of it.
He almost laughs to himself because of course they've made it up. This is Scopia after all!
'But what was it that Julia Rothmann had said when he had suggested this?' asks the niggling little voice at the back of his head… "No. That's what the department does. They knew this the whole time and they used you."
FUCK.
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2. Anger
He screams into the pillow to hide his face from the cameras he knows are inevitably trained on his room, searching for any sign of weakness. And thankfully it muffles the sound, despite the hollow room that's lacking in both furniture and hope.
He doesn't remember much of his parents. Nothing, if he's brutally honest.
But Uncle Ian. He remembers Ian completely and utterly. He loved Ian. Was essentially Ian's son. And finding out about his Dad just makes Ian's betrayal so much more visceral.
He's suddenly completely and utterly furious with his Uncle. Did Ian know? Yes. Surely? Then how the fuck did he think it was okay to keep that from Alex? The latest in a long line of fucking pitiful lies that have screwed up his life.
Was the Widow right? Did The Department know when they recruited him? When they ignored his concerns about Yassen? When they – albeit unintentionally – set him up against Scorpia time and time again? Yes. Surely? How the fuck did they think that was okay?
He feels a burning rush of rage towards the people who have manipulated his life for so long.
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3. Bargaining
Does it change his plans though, he wonders. He'd sought out the Widow, sought out Scorpia, to find out about his Dad and then to bring the organisation down. And, well, he supposes he's accomplished that first goal now. As for the second?
Does it really matter that his Dad was one of them? Sounds like his Dad hadn't been given much choice. So yes, John Rider might have been part of Scorpia. John Rider might have killed people. But it sounds like Scorpia might have taken advantage of his father at a time of hopelessness… And if that's the case, then it puts Scorpia squarely back into the category of 'bad guys'.
And if that's the case, then maybe he can make it all right if he brings Scorpia down? He can avenge Ian and take revenge on them for their abuse of his father…
Unless his father really did enjoy working for them… What then?
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4. Depression
Every illusion Alex has ever had about his father has been shattered in that one conversation. To think about his father hurts now and he hates that.
Pain washes over him. Do they describe pain as being a wave because every time you think you've seen the last of it something makes it rush back at you again? A pull of the earth - of life - that can't be escaped?
Alex thought he'd known pain before but now realises how naive he has been. Because the physical ache of a broken bone, a bruised rib, or cut skin is nothing, nothing compared to the emotional ache of betrayal.
And when the pain finally begins to recede slightly it's simply replaced by the icy pang of despair, sweeping through him, filling his lungs until there's nothing he can do but scream again.
He's seventeen. How can he have so many ghosts already?
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5. Acceptance
He wants to talk to Kyra. The thought comes suddenly, unbidden.
What had they joked about a few months back? That together they could form an "orphans' club". Or a "survivors' club".
Fuck.
Maybe a "child of a paid murderer" club would have been more appropriate. Though Kyra couldn't join him there.
Double fuck.
But he still wants to talk to her because somehow he feels she will be the only one to understand. She'll help him unpick what he's going through, will help him process this chaos.
Child of a paid murderer. He supposes that at least he knows now. So that's that.
Now what?