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I woke up in the pristine academy infirmary. Soft blue light echoed in through tall windows onto the rows of beds. I wasn't alone. There were other hunters injured and occupying some of the beds. Flynt Coal I recognized two beds down.

But in terms of consciousness I was alone. Or as alone as I ever was with Mother in my head. I sat up and held my face in my hands. I rubbed hard at my scalp. If there had been something sharp nearby I'm not sure I would have been able to resist the urge to use it on myself in an act of rebellion against my Mother, against fate, and against life.

I reclined back down into the bed. I wasn't injured anywhere physically but I was burdened with the terrific scars of memory. I had attacked my friends. I would have killed Weiss by her orders and murdered Ruby just for getting in the way. What was the point of all the training and focus I did if Mother could just sweep it aside with a word from one of her proxy monsters.

What was I good for other than to die?

Suicide seemed to be my best option. It seemed like the best means of rebelling against my monstrous nature. It seemed like the only way I could strike back at Mother and deprive her of a tool from her selection.

I wanted to kill myself. Painfully, if possible.

But more than that the words of Qrow echoed in my ears. Do the right thing. He had told me to do the right thing and I didn't listen. I should have. Was the right thing suicide? Should I put a permanent stop to me before I hurt anyone else?

I cursed my father and my Mother. They plagued me with indecision and despair. My Mother had made me a puppet again. Or tried to and nearly succeeded. In her hands I was a lifeless doll so I may as well become lifeless. If I was to be evil and know that that is wrong, the only course of good action would be to cut my head off at the source and eliminate myself.

I looked inside of myself. I could feel Salem like a tide which threatened to break my levees and flood me.

I lay in the bed in the blue morning light and I felt like a sick dog. Grey and white walls surrounded me, they seemed to press inwards despite the open space and I got a sense of motion sickness as I sat still in bed. My stomach did flops in my chest and I could feel my heartbeat in my brain.

For a long time it was all I could hear. A steady and loud thump-thump in my ears and behind my eyes. I just listened to it and the rise and fall of my breathing. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted some real quiet but the sound in my chest was deafening. My forehead pulsed in the rhythm of the double thuds.

I couldn't stand it. I desired nothing more than to put a stop to it and gain some peace of mind. Peace of mind for all of ten seconds before I slipped away was what I craved.

But I remembered poor Ruby and Weiss. I had a certain measure of responsibility to them, the living. The people that I loved. It would shatter them if I took my own life, but this was about them. This was about keeping them safe, even from me. I could have killed them like I had Ren and Nora. I still didn't know for sure if they were safe. Anything could have happened with the fight against my sisters. All of my sisters had shown up and brought the reunion to me.

Then I would have lost them and gone mad like Dyne had. If I wasn't mad already. But suicide didn't seem like madness to me. It seemed perfectly logical. If I was a toy for my Mother's evil, wasn't it good for me to destroy myself completely and ultimately? It was a serious question. It deserved a serious answer. That made suicide not just a mercy on my poor mind, body, and soul, but a moral imperative.

Soft tears leaked from my wet eyes. But I grimaced and smiled. I wiped the lone tears from the corners of my face before they could roll down my cheeks.

I was thinking of saying goodbye. One way or another Qrow was right and I couldn't be here, even if I were to live. Not around the maidens and relics. Not around Ruby and her silver eyes. The best thing I could do next to killing myself was to at least get the fuck out of the way of the people who could fight Salem.

I mustered my courage and I broke my own heart which pumped unforgivingly in my chest. It was an unmerciful ungrateful sound.

It arhythmically robbed me of my duty. I knew what the next thing that I had to do was. I just needed the strength to do it. It was just like Qrow had warned me. I just didn't listen. I had to be around them. I needed them. Now they needed me to leave.

And I… I had to find out more about myself. I needed to learn more about my father and the nature of my connection to my Mother. This… vacation was over. If I was going to keep on living I had to focus up and quit slacking around and feeling sorry for myself and the things that I couldn't have.

Those things included Ruby and Weiss. But they also included anything other than living as a fugitive. On the lamb from my Mother, that was where I had to be. I had to be in constant revolt with her or die. Those were my options.

It was time to muscle up and accept the responsibilities put on my shoulders as well as the limits destiny had put on me. I wiped my face with the course, low thread count, military sheets. The way they burned roughly against my cheeks was nice.

It was time to leave Atlas and Mantle behind. But Weiss… Weiss had to stay and master the power of the maiden and Ruby had to learn how to use the power of her eyes.

Fate was splitting us apart but it was the right thing to do. It was the right call. Qrow would be pleased with my decision. I wouldn't bother to ask Ironwood. I owed him nothing and I had served my time by killing Cinder and delivering him two maidens in Penny.

Saying goodbye would hurt. It would be like tearing my own heart out but what else was new? Neo could come along. I was sure she would. I would find my father's other laboratories and track him down and finally grant him justice for the horrors he put me through.

And I would rebel against my Mother. I could do that by staying alive and harrying her attempts at everything. I could be a constant thorn in her side. I just couldn't fight her directly. I saw that now.

But saying goodbye, perhaps goodbye forever… that torched me. It hurt nearly as bad as being possessed by Mother did. It was a deep pain in my chest that ached and throbbed in time with my still too loud heartbeat. Gods! It was so loud! Could it just die down for a minute? Half a minute? Ten seconds. Thump-thump thump-thump. So loud in the softly lit infirmary. The artificial lights were so harsh in the Atlesian way and for the love of the gods I just wanted peace of mind for ten godsdamned seconds!

But it never came. My heart never stopped it's infuriating pulse and my breathing, slow and steady, whistled to my hearing. And somewhere deep inside me Mother lurked like giant squid. Deep in dark waters where only nightmare creatures dwelt, she hung in the ink, a swirling mass of tentacles and protrusions with a hundred eyes and dozens of mouths. Ever waiting. Patient. She'd get me again. There was a constant low whisper urging me to give in and come like a dog. Here boy. Come to Momma. Come to Momma and it will all be better, you'll see. Don't you trust me?

I didn't. I didn't trust that alien mass. It could hardly be called a foreigner to my mind because she had always been there lurking below the surface. All my training hadn't allowed me to hold off her control of my body. I still remembered hitting Weiss with my sword like the hammer of a god. It replayed over and over in my mind and made me flinch and cringe. How was I supposed to look her in the eyes after that? How was I supposed to make love to her after that? With Ruby? With anyone with this remote entitiy in my mind?

The gods were crueler than I had previously imagined. Unbelievably so. It was like they wanted me to kill myself. They wanted me to suffer. And I was suffering like no man had ever suffered. Being awake was agony but sleep was even worse. And all of that just to say goodbye to my friends and loved ones. Die or leave. Those were my choices. And I knew that leaving would hurt all the more than a quick death.

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"Cloud? Are you awake?" I opened my eyes to meet Ruby's soft silver gaze. Her hair was parted wolfishly and she looked as beautiful as always, like a little angel.

I stared up at her and just drank in the sight like it was the last time I'd ever get to do so. I drank like a man dying of thirst.

"Rubes…" I croaked. "Are you okay? And Weiss? Is she hurt? What happened?"

"I'm here. I'm alright." Weiss leaned into my view. She too was angelic with her long white hair and icy eyes.

"I'm fine." Ruby went on. "After you passed out we overwhelmed your sisters and forced them to flee. Weiss is fine. Everyone is safe. Vine died, though."

I exhaled hard. I had to tell them.

"I have a choice to make," I told them.

"If it's about what happened we don't blame you. We saw the pain you were in," Weiss continued.

"I have a choice to make," I repeated, unheeding her. "I can't be around you. The maidens. Or the silver eyed warriors. Or even the relics. I have to kill myself-"

"No you don't! You don't have to do anything like that! Think about us! Think about how much you'll hurt the ones that love you and care about you. Don't we matter to you?" Ruby implored.

"You mean everything to me," I croaked. "But I can't overcome my Mother directly. The only way to resist and rebel against my evil nature is to destroy myself and deprive her of a tool against the forces of good. Or…" I trailed.

"Or?" Weiss wondered. "Or what?"

"Or I leave. I can't be around the maidens, relics, or Ruby. That means I need to leave. Maybe I can still do good but there's too much risk in being around you. Both of you," I finished.

They exchanged a mournful look. "Where will you go?" Weiss asked me.

I shrugged. "To find and kill my father. Maybe. That's some good I can do. Stop him from making more of me and continuing his experiments on the Grimm. I can slay monsters and save people. But I can't be involved in the fight against Salem. I can't be a part of the war against her. One way or another. I can't be a part of either of your lives. It's too dangerous. I'm too much of a risk. There is too much of my Mother in me and I'm scared. I'm scared of losing myself and hurting the people I care about because she can control me."

"You can't live separated from everyone who cares about you? That's no way to live!" Ruby protested.

"I killed Ren and Nora. I tried to kill Weiss. You can't trust me. You can't forgive me."

"Well we do!" Weiss exclaimed. "You were holding back. You didn't try and hurt me in earnest. You were resisting her, I still trust you."

"Well you shouldn't and my mind's made up. You two are a part of the war against my Mother. I can't be. That's it. That's the end of the story. I'm leaving Atlas. I'm probably headed back to Anima"

"Just promise me you won't kill yourself! Promise me we'll see each other again!" Ruby was sobbing. She was looking at me pleadingly with her eyes wide like plates. I couldn't look at her. And I couldn't promise her either one of those things.

I stayed silent. I could promise her nothing. So I wouldn't. I might decide the safest option was suicide. I might decide the merciful portion was suicide. I could vow to keep myself safe not at all. She deserved to know that after all she had done looking after my disgraceful self.

Ruby's lips trembled horribly. It was heartbreaking to look at but I forced myself to meet her gaze. I had to. I had to be honest with her. For who else could I truly be honest with? Not myself. I was a liar and I was twisted and there were sharks in the waters of my subconscious.

"Look after yourself," Weiss demanded, she was holding back tears of her own. Her celestial otherworldly face was shining with pink cheeks next to that thin beautiful scar. Just under the surface was a well of sadness. "And… and you can write us letters. Please? We won't be leaving Atlas any time soon so you can find us here and we'll try and write back to you if you keep us in contact about where you're going. Stay in touch with us? Won't you please?" She said with so much love and sorrow that I couldn't help it. It was an intolerable toll she took out of me.

I agreed.

It sounded almost like fun. I would write to them. Both of them. I could communicate I just couldn't be with them or be a part of their lives anymore. I had to take Qrow's advice and separate myself from the people I cared about. Unless I found a weapon against Salem's influence over me, distance between us would be my best ally. And I would look desperately for a means to stave her off of my mind. Because then I could be with Weiss and Ruby again. That would mean the world to me.

I hoped that they would get along. I hoped that they would be happy together and learn to live without me. That would be for the best. Because we had tried. I had tried to live with them and be with them but Salem had still worked her way in and made me hurt the people that I cared about. She did it again. And I just couldn't trust myself. I was too powerful now. Measures had to be put in place to keep me in check in the war against my Mother. This is what that had come to.

I had to do the right thing.

Fucking Qrow Branwen and his damn wisdom. If only I'd listened sooner. I could have avoided striking my loved ones with my weapon and just maybe I could have avoided the loud thudding in my ears. Saying goodbye hurt. It did. A lot. Like cutting my heart out while my stomach did flip flops. But it did not hurt half as much as hurting them had done. That had been real agony. So with that in mind, compared to that, this was easy. It was cruelly easy.

I hugged Ruby and she kissed my cheek feverishly. "I'll always love you," she told me at a whisper. It was like I was drowning a cat to tell her I had to leave. It was that or die and perhaps to die anyways. And of course to die anyways.

Soon it would just be a memory of these two divine women who loved me. Soon it would be a fleck of pink paint in my past over which a halo hung. I did not feel alone yet since the past loomed over me. But I would. And I would have to bear it. How much, in the strongest of my terrors, my disgusts, I had counted on them to save me. Nothing can save me. I look inside myself and see just me. Only me. My dreams of understanding crumbled and the after that a long succession of days of self imposed and well deserved exile.

She stepped back and I barely heard Weiss whisper, "dolt, we won't give up on you," with so much affection it ached me and brought tears to my eyes. There is little to say. It's a lost game. The motion sickness has given me a brief breathing spell but it shall return. I heard the truth in Weiss's words all the same.

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-WG