The ownership of all characters related to and involving the novels of The Vampire Academy and Bloodlines Series remain the sole property of Richelle Mead, the Penguin Group and any affiliates.

No copyrights have been infringed on maliciously.

A/n: Thank you so much, everyone, for the reviews! I didn't expect so many for the first chapter, and I'm absolutely thrilled.

A Conflict of the Soul

Chapter Two

"Who was that guardian you were talking to outside of housing earlier? The blonde who went with us to the caves? He looks familiar."

Glancing up at Rose from my crouch as I retied the loose shoelace of my boot, she was half sitting on the lichen-covered trunk of a fallen tree, not far from where we had first been attacked. Playing with the end of the hair she had messily re-plaited after my greedy fingers had ruined the first one, the bright moonlight overhead made her dark hair appear almost ashy brown.

Pausing with my fingers in the laces, for a long moment I didn't answer, and simply looked at her.

Determined to work on the control I had promised her I would, my fingers had kept to themselves as we had walked away from the upper campus and into the woods, but only just. Deciding that physical distance was the only way of keeping that promise, I wasn't exactly breaking the terms of our deal, but neither was I sticking to them.

Worried at first that Rose would notice, her attention had been focused on getting to the front gates and Mason, not me, so she had said very little as we walked, but the awareness was there between us, as it always was…crawling through our bloodstreams. The significance of what had happened in that doorway wasn't just sexual in nature, and Rose knew that, but she also seemed to know that I was walking a thin line, and so she didn't encourage it.

"Dimitri?" Prompting me, Rose smiled questioningly as I continued to stare at her with hungry, lingering intent. Knotting the lace and reminding myself that this was only going to work if I followed my own rules, I nodded and rose. "He should. You saw him on the tarmac when we landed at Court for Victor Dashkov's trial."

Frowning lightly in recollection and wincing when the movement tugged at bruised muscles, the realisation came quickly. "Oh, yeah. His name is Konrad something."

"Medvedev. Konrad Medvedev."

"You two were at the academy together in Siberia, right?"

"Yes."

Pushing away from the log, Rose dusted herself off and smirked. "You never did tell me about that favour he owed you." Reminding me of the conversation we had from deep within the bowels of the Court prison, her grin became peeved when seconds passed, and she realised that I still wasn't going to tell her. Picking at a piece of soft lichen attached to the bark as we resumed our walk, Rose fiddled with it before looking up at me.

"Were you and Konrad friends at the academy?"

Curious about the question, I thought about the answer for a moment. "No…not exactly. We were more rivals actually. It was generally accepted that when our class graduated, I would be placed with Ivan as his guardian. Konrad wanted the assignment; not because he actually wanted it, but to spite me, and thought that the best way of getting it was to provoke me constantly."

"Why?"

"So that I would lose my temper and do something stupid enough to jeopardise my placement."

"Huh. He sounds like a real charmer."

Laughing at the dry dislike in her voice, it felt almost surreal now that I was defending him. "We were kids…teenagers. He wasn't a bad person then, and he certainly isn't one now. He's also the guardian that pulled the strings that allowed us to see Victor before the trial, so maybe that will change your opinion of him?" Watching her brow crinkle, I asked quietly. "Why are you suddenly so curious about Konrad?"

Shrugging, she wouldn't meet my eyes. "No real reason. Just making small talk."

"Rose."

Hearing the warning in my voice, she sighed and flicked away the lichen. "You talk about Ivan being a close friend, but no one else. Not in Russia, and not here. I was just wondering…" Silent for a long moment, Rose continued with soft reluctance. "Were any of the guardians killed close friends?"

Frowning at the question, it took me a few seconds to understand why she would ask it…and only a second longer for it to bother me.

Rose had never seen me with anyone outside of working hours, and I had never talked about anyone, so how could I expect her to not ask it? She knew so little about what, or, who I was outside of being a guardian, because I had never shared any of it with her. I knew all of what family she had, but she knew next to nothing about mine. I knew her medical history, where she had been born, her likes and dislikes, but if anyone asked her the same about me, she wouldn't be able to tell them much more than knowing a few of the books I read.

We knew so much about each other on some levels, and yet, on others, we were still virtually strangers.

Keeping certain parts of my life from Rose hadn't been a deliberate decision, but more a side-effect of simply being a very private person. There were things that I very rarely, if ever, discussed with anyone, and because of that, in recent years it had begun to feel like my privacy had become isolation…isolation, and self-protection.

Baring yourself to another was always a gamble. It gave someone else the ability to know the secrets you kept, the fears you hide, or the shame you carried. It gave someone else the ability to hurt, but with Rose, I was willing to risk that my secrets would be safe with her. It was just part of the deal we had made, and honestly, if I couldn't allow the girl I loved to know the man behind the stake, then what was the point in loving her?

"No. None of them were close friends, Roza." Replying softly, my fingers twitched to reach out to her, but that would lead to touching, and touching would lead to disaster. "But they were more than just acquaintances. Being a guardian is a lonely job. We all know, and accept that. It does make it harder to form strong bonds of friendship, but that doesn't mean that we don't interact with others during the times we're off duty."

Breaking off a leafless branch hanging overhead, Rose stepped around a mushy puddle to avoid the sludge, and veered out dangerously close to me. Taking no notice that I immediately stepped further away from her, she turned to look at me with a wistful question in her eyes.

"Will you tell me about them? As people, I mean. Not as guardians."

Considering the promise I had only just made to myself, I was more than willing to give Rose what she asked for, but I hesitated for a moment. Talking of the dead in a way that personalized them was necessary so that they were never forgotten, but it wasn't all together pleasant. It made them seem more real, almost alive, and that memory then became someone else's burden.

Rose had experienced so much of it already. I didn't want to add to it.

Fiddling with the twig as she waited for my answer, Rose twirled it almost nervously as the silence between us lengthened and she misinterpreted it. "You don't have to, if you don't want to," She rushed to reassure me, tossing the twig aside and sinking her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "After Mason was killed, I didn't want to talk about him to anyone, so I'll understand."

Bending to scoop up the same branch, my fingers hunted along the thin stem for any of the warmth her fingers would have left behind. "It's not that I don't want to, Roza. We made a deal, and I'm going to stick to it, it's just that…"

Trailing off as her brows met over the bridge of her nose, Rose looked at me curiously. "Just what?"

"I just don't want it to become an unwelcome reminder."

"Of what? Death?" Sighing, Rose shook her head, but her irritation was mellowed by the worry she could hear in my voice. "Dimitri, death is all around us. Talking about it isn't going to make that any better, or any worse. We're on our way right now to go and see death in the form of Mason's ghosts. If I can handle seeing him, and all the others, then I think I can handle hearing about the rest, okay?"

She can handle herself, I reasoned with myself, but reason wasn't what my heart listened to, and it was my heart that wanted to protect her. Holding my gaze steadily, Rose would understand why I was trying to shield her, but she wouldn't appreciate it, and so with that in mind, I began.

"Grier Theroux was the first we lost, and also the youngest. He was on boundary duty when the Strigoi broke through the wards."

Still for a moment, Rose asked quietly. "How old was he?"

"Not much older than you are now. He was always good company. A little idealistic about the way the world works, but that's what I liked the most about him. Life hadn't made him cynical yet."…And now it never would, I reminded myself harshly, my restless fingers snapping the twig without meaning to. Staring down at it, the two pieces of broken branch lying in the palm of my hand bothered me for some reason.

"We had a few training sessions with him and Guardian Dalca when he first arrived. I didn't get to interact with him for long, but he seemed like a good person. He was more patient than any of the other guardians; not as aggressive or severe." Ducking below a low branch, Rose murmured. "I'm sorry, Dimitri. It sounds like you liked him."

Focusing on the snapped shoot, Rose wasn't fooled by the silence or what it meant, but didn't push for an answer. Skimming over details and personal interactions of the other guardians – both those she knew, and those she didn't – Rose asked the occasional question or made the odd murmured comment as our path took us closer to the cabin. It wasn't until I began to talk about Alan that she turned to look at me with more than just compassionate interest.

"Alan was Guardian Gregorovich, right?"

"Yes. He was killed when Alberta ordered the retreat and we were making our escape."

"I remember. Watching him die was a little like watching Mason die all over again. Both of them had their necks snapped so easily it didn't seem to take any effort at all." Hearing her voice fade as she became lost in the horror of the Spokane memory, Rose shivered and wrapped her arms around her middle, but as she did, she caught the look on my face and held up her hands.

"No, no, no, no, no! Don't stop taking! I'm fine. Tell me about Alan."

"Alan was very different to Grier," I heard myself saying against my better judgement. "He was more like Dustin. Not as old, or cynical, but he had a clearer view of the world. He was one of the first to stand up, to volunteer for the rescue. Not because he thought that we would find any alive, but because he knew that if he stayed behind and did nothing, it would be the same as admitting that nothing could be done."

"He sounds a lot like you," Rose murmured, rubbing her hands up and down her arms to generate warmth against the cold air settling amongst the trees as it seeped through the thick wool. "You never give up, even when it seems hopeless."

"I gave up on Celeste."

Meeting her eyes beneath a furrowed brow, Rose scowled at the quiet guilt she could hear. "No, you didn't, so stop that! We could all see that there wasn't anything that could be done for her, and even if you had stopped to help her, what then, huh? You would be dead with her. How would that have made things better, Dimitri?"

Logically I knew that what she was saying was right, that there hadn't been anything anyone of us could do, but being so close to her had made it feel like I had given up without even trying. "She didn't the rescue was a good idea. In fact, she as much told Alberta that she was insane – that it was a suicide mission, and that it wasn't worth risk any more guardians. It wasn't like with the others. She didn't want to go."

"Yeah. I remember," Rose replied more gently this time as she realised that her well-placed common sense wasn't stronger than my misplaced guilt. "But she went anyway because she trusted Alberta's judgement." Glancing over her shoulder to the admin buildings glowing dimly in the distance, Rose sighed. "Poor Alberta. She's going to feel responsible for all of this, isn't she?"

Eyeing her with a combination of wariness and wonder as she managed to put my guilt into perspective in a way that no one else could, my sigh was as heavy as hers had been. "Yes. She's also going to get all the blame. Not just for the first attack, but also for the unsanctioned rescue mission which resulted in the death of more guardians. The Council will be looking for a target of blame, and right now, she has a very big bullseye on her back."

Not liking the way I phrased this, Rose scowled darkly. "What will happen to her?"

"There'll be an investigation in the next few days, I would imagine. Representatives from the Council will arrive, they'll conduct interviews, watch any security footage available. They'll assess the security, the lock-down procedures, internal protocols, and when they're done, it will more than likely end with Alberta being called to Court."

"What will happen at Court?"

"A more formal hearing will take place with the senior Council members. She'll be allowed to give her official testimony, the outcome of the investigation will be announced…and she'll probably be demoted, or relieved of her duties."

Pausing in the shadow of the cabin, Rose turned towards me furiously. "That's crazy! The attack wasn't her fault! The wards being weakened was the fault of those idiot Royals. They should get the blame, not her!"

"I couldn't agree more, but you know that's never going to happen. They need a scapegoat, Rose, and Alberta is the obvious choice because she's Captain of the Guard." I didn't like saying it any more than she liked hearing it, but there were some things that were beyond the control of any of us.

"Then we all need to stop it!" Rose declared, flushing angrily as she glared towards the main campus. "All the guardians, all the novices, all the Moroi that we saved, that she saved by having that vote, and sending us out there. We need to stand together, and save her now."

"Roza…" Patiently waiting for her to calm down, she didn't, and her anger at Moroi injustice only continued to feed upon itself. "You know we can't do that."

"Why the hell not?" She ranted loudly. "There isn't any one of us that wouldn't defend her, and if the guardians who lost their lives could do the same, they would…Grier, Alan, Celeste, Brandan, Morgan, Jean and Maia…all of them!"

Hearing that last name caused a ripple of unease to tighten my stomach, and for a moment, I forgot about Alberta.

There had been one guardian that I had deliberately not mentioned, and yet Rose had somehow still managed to name her. Maia was no less important to talk about than the rest, but in my mind, the reminder of her death had created an uncomfortable parallel between Emil and I…one that I didn't want to think about right now, much less talk about.

During the hike to the cave, I had been beside Emil for most of it. Watching him carefully, I hadn't been completely convinced that he was mentally or emotionally fit for what we had been about to do, so I had been constantly searching for any excuse to send him back to the upper campus…not just for his safety, but for all of ours.

Rose had been to his right, and four guardians over. As I had glanced over to his direction every other minute, she had always been in my peripheral vision, and as my mind often did when she was close by, it focused more on her than on Emil. Happy for a few minutes to sink into the memories of fantasies made real, they were constantly interrupted by Emil's grim form, and as I controlled myself and focused solely on him, my mind had wandered in another direction.

A much darker and more devastating direction.

Unable to help myself from doing it, I had put myself metaphorically in his shoes, and tried to envision what it would feel like to lose Rose the way he had lost Maia. It had been a stupid impulse, one that I regretted even now, but knowing that hadn't stopped me from drawing a comparison. I had watched Emil grieve over Maia's cold, still body, and I had hurt with him as a friend, but I had never, and could never, understand the full extent of his suffering, and so I had tried, as a way to empathise.

But even reliving the memory of the times I had thought I had lost Rose couldn't give me the same understanding, because I knew she was only just out of arms reach of me…warm, breathing, alive. Trying to focus more singularly on meshing the two together in my mind, I somehow managed to replace her with Maia for the shortest of moments, but that had become such a painfully unbearable thought, I had shaken it from my head almost immediately, and vowed to never do it again.

It was why I hadn't mentioned her before. It brought up to much potential for heartache, but now it seemed very selfish not too. Like I was diminishing Maia's life, and everything she had given for it just because of my own stupidity.

"Maia Reznikova. I never told you about her."

"No, you didn't." Canting her head suspiciously, and for the moment willing to let go of our debate over Alberta, Rose eyed me with a watchful expression. "Why not?"

"Because when you asked me if any of the guardians killed had been close friends, I told you no and that wasn't a lie, but the death of one of those guardians did deeply affect someone that I do consider a friend."

"Who was affected by Maia's death?"

"Emil Dalca."

"How are the two…?"

"They were involved."

"Like…involved, involved? Like us involved?"

"Yes."

"Okay, so what does that have to do with not talking about her?"

Wordless for a moment, my hand clenched around the separate pieces of the twig. Looking down at them again, it still bothered me for some reason, but I couldn't put my finger on why, and I couldn't seem to throw them away.

"I didn't talk about her before, because she's an uncomfortable reminder that not only was I a poor friend to him – I didn't know that it was anything more than casual sex because I was so wrapped up in you…in us, until I saw him devastated by her death – but also because I stupidly tried to empathise with him, by replacing you as the one who had died, and it backfired so horribly that I couldn't talk about her."

Oddly quiet, Rose mulled over what I had confessed for almost a minute before she spoke. "Even if what you believe is true – that you were a poor friend, and that trying to be a better one by empathising was a mistake, it's still not your fault, Dimitri. Maia died by the hand of a Strigoi, not yours, and being compassionate towards a friend is what any of us would do, whether or not we were successful. There's nothing there to feel guilty about, and I know you. I know that underneath it all, it's guilt that's the problem."

"It's not just the guilt, Roza," I hoarsely whispered , pulverizing the fragile halves of the stem into mush before I knew what I had done. "It's the thought of losing you. Even when I knew that I hadn't, I couldn't stop myself. What would I do if I did? How would I act? How was I supposed to go on when your death would be the end of me?"

Exhaling shakily at thought, the air stuck painfully in my throat even as I struggled to settle myself… and failed. Feeling the same desperate panic set in as before, I tried to back away from Rose before I did anything stupid again, but she knew me too well, knew that something was off, and that this time, I was breaking the rules of our deal.

Reaching up before I could turn from her, Rose cupped my rigid jaw and held me fast. "You're running from me again, Dimitri…Don't! Listen to me. I'm not Maia, and you're not Emil. I'm alive. I'm not going anywhere. You know that – I'm standing right in front of you; you can feel me, so calm down, okay?"

Shuddering beneath her touch, my eyes closed for a second, and just like the twig snapped in half, so too did my control as every effort I had put into distancing myself from her fell apart. Letting the pulpy mush fall to the forest floor for agitated fingers, they twitched and shook before reaching out. Clutching at her, Rose didn't stop the embrace as she felt its desperation, but continued to gently croon to me in the hopes that I would calm down, but that hope was wasted.

There was only one thing that would calm me down. One thing that would satisfy the unreasonable fear that I had unthinkingly allowed myself to feel and nothing this time would stop me from getting what I wanted.

Keeping Rose clamped tightly to my side, I all but dragged her to the cabin. Opening the creaking door, the bright moonlight flooded the single room through the curtains dragged open over the windows and the doorway behind us. Looking no different than it had last night – the linens on the bed were the same, the canned goods hadn't changed, the faint smell of mildew and dust was still there – it was filled now with memories that changed everything about it.

"Dimitri?"

Closing my eyes, Rose stroked my taut jaw before I forced them open. "Don't ask me to stop this time, Rose…I can't."

Searching my tormented features for a moment, Rose seemed to find what she was looking for. Nodding once, she reached beyond me, pushed the door close, and turned the handle to slide the small catch into place.

Reaching for her in the same moment she reached for me, Rose accepted my hungry kiss easily whilst still trying to gentle the recklessness she could feel in me, but it wasn't long before she understood that this wasn't like before. This time I wasn't going to be slow, tender, or gentle…I couldn't be any of those things right now.

Sweeping clear the stacked canned goods and bottled water, they tumbled to the floor nosily. Lifting Rose onto the faded, checkered tablecloth, my fingers clamped down over her hips. Pulling her forward so that her thighs parted automatically to accept my hips, Rose panted and clutched at my arms for balance, but the sound was lost as my lips found hers again.

Grasping her jersey in bunches, I pulled it and her bra, up and over her head before she could protest, but the only thing she seemed concerned about was the loss of my mouth as she pulled it back to hers. Thumbing her tight nipples as she gasped, my lips ghosted over her chin, throat and sternum before changing direction and suckling roughly on her beaded flesh.

Arching towards my teeth clamped gently over her nipple, Rose dug her fingers into my hair, and pulled loose the tie at the nape of my neck. Threading her fingers, she dragged my head up, and back to her mouth. Breaking away to drag in air and panting heavily, I threw off my own jersey, and laying the flat of my palm in the middle of her heaving breasts, I gently pushed Rose down to lie back on the table as she clutched at its edges, and whispered my name.

Twisting my thumbs into the loops at the waistband and dragging it over her slender, writhing hips, Rose dug her nails into the faded material; bunching it as I stripped the denim and lace from her legs, and curled them around my waist. Feeling her strong thighs tighten around me, I cupped her hips, and dug into the giving flesh of her buttocks to hold her still as Rose whimpered and twisted within my grasp.

Propping herself up by her elbows, her glazed eyes tracked my every movement with a hunger that matched my own. Holding her gaze steady, I lowered my head slowly; my nostrils flaring at the warm, feminine scent of her. Tracing my thumbs along the inner crease of her thighs, they sifted through the soft, dark curls before slipping into the slick notch, and rasping gently against her inner lips.

Gasping my name, Rose knew as I blew out against her sensitive flesh in gusting breaths what I wanted, and didn't deny me as my tongue sank into her, and her eyes closed on a throaty moan. The intimacy of what I was about to do should have made her nervous; she had been a virgin only twenty-fours before and we had been allowed so little time to explore, but her trust in me was absolute, and so nothing was forbidden.

Following the line my thumbs drew, the heady scent and first taste of her made my mouth water, and my cock jerk. Licking deeply within the slippery folds as Rose writhed beneath me and my fingers kept a tight hold on her restless thighs, my tongue rested lightly on the throbbing nerve centre of her clitoris before roughly strumming it.

Arching upwards with a cry, Rose raked her nails along my scalp as I teased and tantalized. Feeling the rippling contractions of her approaching orgasm, and hearing her thin, breathless cries, the penetration of my tongue into the hot, moist channel became deeper and harder to control as I pushed her towards her climax. Shuddering wildly beneath my fingers, Rose came with a whimpering moan, and collapsed back against the table.

Suckling gently at her throbbing flesh, I could feel the spasms deep within the tissues. Kissing my way up her torso, my fingers unbuckled my belt with impatient, almost clumsy fingers as Rose lay back and watched from heavy-lidded eyes. Her breathing had evened out a little, but it was still deep and languorous. Dragging her fingertips lightly up her torso, they stroked over the curves of her breasts and circled the puckered nipples once…twice, before pinching them lightly, and arching her back with a sigh.

Not knowing if she was teasing or not, and beyond caring if she was, the lust fed upon the desperation until it was all I could think about.

Curling my arm beneath her right knee, and hooking it over my shoulder, the position lifted her hips into perfect alignment for my thrusting cock. Sliding slowly and easily through the tight, wet grip at first, Rose bucked upwards as my hips lunged forward and my need took over. Hammering heavily into her, my fingers dug into her hips; pulling backwards me as I thrust forward for a brutal force that I had no hope in controlling.

Groaning harshly against the intensity of the pleasure, my narrowed eyes watched as with every lunge, Rose's flushed breasts would joggle from the force of the impact. Lost to the sensation, her hands had dropped away from her nipples, and lay limply on the scrunched tablecloth as she accepted what I took. Feeling my testicles draw tightly, my teeth gritted to hold off for as long as I could, but as I felt Rose's vaginal walls pull and tug along the swollen length of my cock, it became too much.

Quickening the snap of my hips as I heard Rose gasp through another orgasm, a guttural cry was torn from my throat at the strangling sensation. Tightening my buttocks as they jerked uncontrollably, my head tipped back on a groan as I came. Shivering beneath the shudders that began in my toes, I fell forward, and braced myself over Rose; burying my head in her damp neck whilst sparing her most of my weight.

Feeling her hands rest lightly on my head, Rose played gently with the damp hair curling around my ear for a long while before she spoke, and I heard the amusement in her voice. "So that control you said you were working on…not so much, huh?"

Groaning apologetically as I tried to calm my rioting lungs and booming heart, the boneless satisfaction I felt was slowly taken over by shame – not just for letting my emotions rule me, but for the way I had allowed them to use Rose. "I thought I had, I swore to myself that I would, but after talking about Emil and Maia…" Exhaling warily, the warm, musky scent of her was reassuring in a way that hadn't been there before. "It just…"

"It's okay."

"No…it's not." Straightening my arms and locking my elbows, I looked down at her. Tousled and flushed, Rose smiled and stretched lazily before tracing the tip of her forefinger along my bottom lip. Kissing the pad gently, the shame was quickly becoming guilt.

"I'm –"

"Don't apologize." Rose threatened as she cut me off, suddenly no longer lazy or relaxed. "Don't ruin this by letting some misguided sense of guilt get in the way."

"Roza, you were a virgin twenty-four hours ago. I should have been gentle; I should never have allowed this to happen. It was inexcusable, it was…" Clamping my lips together as her thumb joined her forefinger, Rose cut off my ramble and glared.

"You didn't hear me complain, did you? That was a rhetorical question," Rose growled when her fingers tightened on my lips as I tried to answer. "I'm not letting you talk, because you're just going to piss me off. Now listen to me closely, Dimitri Belikov, because I'm going to say this once."

"If I don't want something to happen, I won't allow it, not matter what it is, or who the person doing it is. If I didn't want this, I would have stopped you like I did in the doorway of the church. It wouldn't have made any difference that you asked me not to stop you. I have a mind of my own, young as it is, and it knows what it wants, okay?"

Releasing my lips slowly, Rose gently thumbed the bottom one again, but I couldn't meet her eyes as I muttered. "That doesn't make it right."

"Why? Because it was fast, and rough…and hot as hell?" Meeting her gaze again, Rose shook her head before smiling. "It was amazing. The first time we made love was something that I will never forget – you made it wonderful, but this…" Closing her eyes, her expression became languid as she sighed. "This was something else."

"It was desperation, and uncontrollable urges…it was just sex," I corrected bitterly, not understanding why she wasn't as angry with me as I was with myself. "There was no love in it."

Glowing, Rose sighed. "See? This is why I shouldn't have let you talk." Pushing upwards so that I was forced to wrap my arms around her, we remained joined as Rose sat up, and tightly latched onto my jaw to force my head down to meet her eyes. "Do you love me?"

"You know I do."

"And you know that I love you?"

"Yes."

"Then what's the problem? As long as it's what we both want, and both enjoy, then there will always be love in it, comrade. It doesn't matter what we call it, or how long it takes, or what we do, or how we do it, as long as it's with you, then it can't be wrong."

Not quite believing that Rose would be so accepting of a side of my nature I kept so tightly controlled, I searched her eyes once more, but there was nothing more than the earnest truth in them. She meant what she was saying…that she wanted me with the same terrifying acceptance that I wanted her.

"Feel better now?"

"I can barely feel my toes, so I don't know."

Laughing, Rose kissed my chin. "I meant about this Maia/Emil thing. If I had known that it was going to upset you so much, I would never have asked. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You couldn't have known." Stroking gently over her head, the messy plait had come undone, and my fingers twined into the heavy fall. "I feel better for having talked about it, but I still feel awful for Emil. I've tried to talk to him before, but it didn't really help. It's going to take a long time before he's ready, and I don't know how to help him."

"Just be there for him. It was what I did for Lissa when her parents and Andre died. You don't have to do anything, or say anything. Just as long as they know you're there, it's enough. And don't push it. As much as you want to talk about it because you think it will help, it won't."

"That's very good advice, Miss Hathaway." Skimming my lips along her forehead, the taste of dirt was still there, but it now mingled with a faint sheen of sweat.

"Yeah, well. I have this instructor that loves handing out his pearls of wisdom. I've tried my best to avoid them, yet somehow I still ended up handing them out myself. It's not my fault, and I really can't be held responsible for them." Smirking, Rose nibbled at my bottom lip before asking. "So where obviously not sticking to your original 'we can't be together for the rest of the year' plan, are we?"

"We can't flaunt our relationship," I confirmed against her lips. "And we're going to have to be very, very careful about how and where we're seen together, but after everything that's happened, I'm not going to even pretend that it's possible to stay away from you, Roza."

Smiling broadly, it was clear this pleased her. She hadn't been happy when I had told her that we would have to avoid each other personally until after she had graduated and neither had I, but at the time, it had seemed necessary. Now, it didn't seem as important, but she still had to realise that there was a very real danger.

"I mean it, Rose. We have to be careful."

"I know, I know, but doesn't it give you a thrill that we're going to have to sneak around? I mean, the cabin is great, but think about all the broom closets, dark hallways, equipment storerooms, and recessed doorways….ooh, ooh, the Church attic…no, maybe not there. It's where Lissa and Christian sneak off to, and it's bad enough already that I'm in her head when they do. I don't need any other reminders of their sex life."

"Really? The Church attic?"

"Yeah, Christian likes to live dangerously."

"Well, I don't," but even as I said it, my mind was conjuring up all the possibilities she had just mentioned – and all the things that I could do to her in dark, secret places. Groaning softly in excitement at the thought, Rose continued to smirk as she guessed where my thoughts lay.

"Are you so sure of that, comrade?"

"Honestly?"

"That was our deal, remember?"

Arching a brow, Rose reminded me that I had come dangerously close to breaking that deal earlier. It wasn't a mistake I wasn't about to repeat. "I'm a very cautious person by nature. You know that already. I don't break the rules often, or at least, I try not to, but with you," Nuzzling the hair just above her ear with the tip of my nose, I breathed. "I'm looking forward to breaking more than a few."

"Good."

Chuckling against her ear, I nipped at it gently. "Why is that good?"

"Because it means that instead of just watching others live their lives, you're also going to live yours."

"Hmmm…that is a good thing then, isn't it?"

Kissing me gently in reply, we stayed locked together for as long as we could, but as with before, we couldn't stay for long. Dressing each other between greedy kisses and caressing fingers, we stopped long enough to clean up the mess we had made before we left. Closing the door, Rose stood beside me, but seemed reluctant to walk away. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just thinking about the last time we left this cabin. I know it's stupid, but I keep waiting for a Strigoi to leap out and attack us." Laughing more to herself than to me, Rose shrugged. "Silly, right?"

Looping an arm around her shoulders, I pulled her away as we continued our walk. "Not silly. After what's happened, we're going to have to re-examine everything that we thought possible; not just about the Strigoi, but also about the safety of the Academies. The attack is going to make a lot of important people very nervous, and very unhappy."

"This place is going to empty out, isn't it?"

"I think so. Until parents are reassured, especially the Royals, that the academy is safe again, they're going to pull their children out. It's the safest thing to do, and it's to be expected, but it's not going to do much for its reputation."

"And the daylight schedule? How long will that last for?

"A while."

"Mmmm." Tangling her fingers with mine, we walked on in silence for a moment or two before I asked something that had been playing on my mind for a while. It was an important question, but I honestly couldn't be sure of how Rose would answer it.

"Are you going to tell Lissa about us?"

"No."

The answer was so quick; I glanced down at her in surprise. Meeting my astonished gaze, Rose laughed softly whilst squeezing my hand. "Don't get me wrong…I want to tell her about us. Hell, I want to brag about us to everyone who would listen to me, but I think that the more people who know, the more dangerous it will be. So I'll tell her after graduation. She's going to be pissed that I kept it from her for so long, but it's safer."

Impressed by her maturity, especially as I knew how hard it would be to keep this from Lissa, I raised our linked hand to my mouth and kissed the inside of her wrist. "I think it's for the best, too. I trust that Lissa wouldn't ever intentionally endanger us, but she might eventually let it slip to Christian, and that would just be one more person who knew."

"Arghhhhh…Christian!" Rose groaned, butting her head against my bicep. "If he knew, it would be a disaster. The next time I annoy him, he'd blurt it out without thinking, in front of God knows who, just to get even with me." Rolling her temple across my arm, Rose sighed. "I mean, it's bad enough already that Adrian knows, but I'd trust him to keep it a secret better than Christian."

Stopping dead in my tracks, the frosted pinecones scattered beneath my feet. "Wait…what do you mean Adrian knows?"

Frowning at the jolt, Rose cocked her head to the side. "He knows about us."

"You told him?!"

"No, course not," she defended hotly at my disbelief. "He figured it out."

"When?!"

"Idaho."

"Idaho?!

During the Christmas break last year, we had travelled to the snowy ski resort in rural Idaho used as a retreat by Royals, and that included Adrian Ivashkov. "We were barely speaking in Idaho, and when we did, we were exactly complimentary to each other. How the hell could he know from that?"

"I don't know. Maybe because he's an outsider and had a difference point of view? Maybe because he knew I was using him to make you jealous, and put two and two together? Who knows? I never asked, because it seemed stupid to confirm something that he's only ever guessed about."

"Why hasn't he said something about us before?"

"Why would he?"

So that there would be a clear path to you, I thought angrily. Adrian had never made it a secret that it was Rose he had followed when we had returned to the Academy, and although he had never made any serious move toward her, I had the feeling that if given the opportunity, he wouldn't hesitate.

When I continued to say nothing, only stare at her with a possessiveness that bordered on the fanatical, Rose cocked her head. "This is really bugging you. Why?"

"Because I'm the competition and spreading rumours about us would be the fastest way to get rid of the competition."

Eyeing me with a mocking smile, Rose shook her head. "No, you're not, and what's more, he knows that he isn't. Besides, he wouldn't do that. He's not such a bad guy."

"Now you're defending him? All I ever hear about is how much he annoys you."

"Annoying yes; bad no. I mean I asked him to compel me last week so that he could kiss me, and then made him promise that he actually wouldn't, and he kept to that promise, because he was the one that stopped, so he can't be all that…" Trailing off slowly, Rose stopped talking as she saw my furious expression.

"You asked him to do what?!"

"Okay, calm down, it's not what you're thinking. It was more of an experiment. I didn't actually want him to kiss me."

"Asking Adrian Ivashkov to kiss you was an experiment?"

"Yeah, sort of. Deirdre…the counsellor, said that I only wanted you, because you were unavailable, so that got me thinking. If I could attract a guy that was available, would I feel the same way about him? And the answer is no, because even though under compulsion, when nothing was more important than kissing Adrian, I didn't feel anything for him. I was just going through the motions, you know…"

Stopping again as my expression became more than just furious, Rose sighed. "Seriously, comrade?"

Pulling her into my arms, I growled, but most of my anger had been surprise. I trusted that Rose would never betray me. "The therapist recommended this?"

"Well not in so many words, but it seemed like a good way to prove her wrong." Grinning at the thought, Rose smiled up into my darkly scowling face and tried to pacify the jealously. "I promise I didn't kiss him. Your lips are the only ones I want to experiment with." Proving her point, she kissed me deeply before we continued on.

"So Adrian knows…that makes three."

"Three? Who the hell else knows?"

"Father Andrew."

"Oh, well that's not so bad. He keeps secrets for a living, right? So he's probably a safe bet. Who else?"

"Alberta."

Horrified, Rose gaped at me. "Oh, fuck!"

"Calm down, Roza. She's known for a while, and whilst she's not exactly happy about it, she isn't going to do anything. Believe me, she's warned me enough already. Besides, right now, she has other things to deal with. She's not a threat unless we are careless enough to make her one."

Looking a little queasy, Rose frowned before smiling. "Maybe we shouldn't stand up for her then? If she's gone, it means one less person that could rat us out." Glancing slyly at my look of disbelief, Rose snickered. "Relax, comrade. I'm not being serious, although I was before. There has to be something we can do to help her. Can't you talk to someone…anyone?!"

Recognizing that she wasn't going to give this up, there wasn't any point in arguing with her when she was in this kind of a mood. "I'll talk to Dustin. He understands the Council's procedures better than anyone here. Maybe he can help."

Satisfied that I was taking her seriously, the rest of our walk was spent quietly talking about nothing in particular, just words to fill the space. By the time we had cleared the final patch of woods and the protection it provided, we were forced to separate as the guard post and gate came into view. Leaving Rose on the road, I walked ahead to talk to the guardians on duty. As I had expected, they were less than willing to open the gate, and adamantly opposed to letting anyone out.

Managing eventually to convince them, they were confused by why Rose was the one that wanted to be let out, but didn't question my request. Slipping through first to check that none of the shadows were lurking, Rose followed after, but before I let her through, I quietly whispered in her ear.

"Will you…will you tell him thank you, from me?"

Nodding, she smiled gently before I turned back to the guardians to keep them distracted, whilst keeping an eye on her. Standing perfectly still, Rose looked around for a long while before she started to speak very softly. I could hear her calling Mason's name over and over again, but could only guess from her sagging shoulders, that he wasn't there.

Long minutes passed as the guardians became more agitated. They wouldn't allow this for much longer.

"Rose?"

Blowing out a heavy breath, Rose nodded once and begun to turn, but as she swivelled around, she stiffened from something I couldn't hear or see, and suddenly turned back to the face the road. Watching the exchange, I knew that she was part of a conversation none of the rest of us could take part in.

No more than a minute later, Rose nodded once, wiped at her eyes quickly, and turned away. Slipping through the gate, she nodded at the guardians as they hastily locked it, and started the long walk back to the academy without me. Giving her both the time and the space that I knew she would need, I thanked them, and followed after her at a slower pace.

Catching up to her easily as we crossed from the road back into the cover of the forest, she sniffed before sighing quietly. Slinging an arm around her waist, my lips pressed to her hair. "Are you okay?"

"Yes…no…I don't really know. He was fading quickly, so I'm happy that I got to say goodbye. I think he's finally able to move on." Curling her arms around my chest, Rose leaned against me.

"You're not going to miss seeing him?"

"I am, but he deserves some peace. He said you're welcome, by the way. And goodbye."

"Good. I'm happy that through you, I was able to say to say it too."

"Thank you for taking me…again."

"You're welcome, but you don't have to thank me for doing things for you, Roza. I will always try to give you everything you ask for."

"Well if I don't need to thank you, then can I at least apologize to you?"

"Apologize for what?"

"For being the reason that you gave up Lissa."

Tightening my arm around her, my sigh was filled with more than a little exasperation. "Rose, you know that's not true. We talked about this before."

"I know what you said, and I know why you said it. I also know how much it meant to you to have her, and how hard it must have been to give her up…for me. That's why I'm apologizing."

"I didn't give her up for you; I gave her up for both of us. And if I had to make the same decision again, I would. Easily. Not just because it means that we have a life outside of being guardians, but because you are the best guardian for her."

"I'm not a guardian yet, comrade," Rose reminded me, yawning widely as the exhaustion she had been solidly ignoring for the last twenty-four hours began to catch up with her. "What will happen now with the field experience?"

"Until permanent staff can be brought in, it will probably be suspended."

"How is that going to affect us?"

"I don't think it will. All the novices, none more so than you, have already proved that you can handle yourself against actual Strigoi, so fighting against simulated attacks from the guardians seems a little unnecessary now."

"So what…we just go back to training?"

"For the most part. There's more specialised training to teach you, as well as other things that have nothing to do with training. You and the other seniors still have a lot to learn about the inner workings of our world, Roza." Thinking about what Dustin had said about pairing the seniors with their instructors for normal guarding duty as a practical suddenly held more appeal for me.

Yawning again, Rose looked questioningly at me from beneath eyelids beginning to droop as we walked through the barren gardens of the upper campus. "What things?"

"Things for another day."

Almost asleep on her feet, Rose didn't bother to argue that I wouldn't tell her. Reaching dhampir housing a few minutes later, I pulled her into the shaded doorway of the entrance used to sneak into housing – mainly by Rose – and checked for anyone near enough to see us. Kissing unhurriedly, there was no rush of heat between us to satisfy now, only the reluctance to part.

"Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

"Will you sleep, too?"

About to answer, my sensitive ears picked up the heavy crunch of footfalls to our left. Hugging her to my chest, I pushed us flat against the doorway, and hoped that the shadows were deep enough to hide us as the group passed by. Led by Alberta, the large number of senior guardians argued loudly amongst themselves over standard issues like schedules, and guard rotations, but it wasn't until I heard our names mentioned that it became something I actually listened to it.

"Has anyone seen Belikov?"…"Last I saw him, he was heading to the infirmary with Castile and Hathaway."…"He was with Hathaway? I found the other seniors in the commons, but she wasn't there."…"Didn't Johannsson say he saw her going back to the infirmary? Maybe to check up on Castile."… "No, I was there earlier and I didn't see either of them."…"Has anyone checked with Vasilisa? They're probably both with her…" As the group moved away, the conversation drifted away with them, but not before I heard Alberta task Gregor with finding me.

"Dammit!"

"What does it feel like, comrade, to be so popular that everyone looks for you?"

"It's not funny." Glaring down at her, Rose grinned widely before chuckling tiredly. "This is what I'm talking about."

Patting my chest in reassurance, Rose couldn't stop grinning. "Oh, come on. It is a little funny." Seeing the expression on my face, Rose sighed. "Okay, comrade, so you don't find it funny. Relax. I know why you're worried, but they don't know where either of us is, and they certainly don't know we're together. I'll go to bed, and you can go and find them, and no one will be the wiser, okay?"

Standing on the tips of her toes, Rose pressed her lips to my stubble-roughened cheek before peeking around my shoulder. Checking that the most direct path to the dhampir lobby was clear, she kissed me one last time, and she moved past me. I should have let her – I should have put as much distance between us as possible to dilute suspicion, but I couldn't let her go thinking that this was how I would behave, how I wanted to behave, when faced with the danger of exposure.

Not after everything we had just shared.

Reaching out quickly, my fingers circled her wrist. "I'm sorry, Roza. For the most part, this is what it's going to be like for a while. I wish it wasn't, but it is. "

Smiling softly, Rose twisted her arm in my light grip until she could squeeze my wrist. "I know. You don't have to apologize. I understand. This is enough for now. We'll find the time when we can. As long as we're together."

Caressing her inner wrist with my thumb, my mouth twisted with regret. "I love you."

Repeating the motion on my own, Rose nodded. "I love you, too."

"I'll see you after breakfast, all right?"

"Okay." Squeezing lightly once more before I let go and watched her walk into housing, I waited until she was inside before I went out in search of Gregor, feeling like my loyalties were still being pulled in two very different directions.