THE FIRST TIME
CHAPTER FIFTEEN - BIG GAY HEART
"Big gay heart,
big gay heart.
Please, don´t break my big gay heart"
LEMONHEADS (From the album "It´s a Shame About Ray" (1993))
Abby knew that this would be a big day in her life so far, when she´d woken up that morning and immediately, had started playing out in her mind, how her "talk" with Jen that evening would go. Somehow, she´d managed to be decidedly not pushy, when it came to the subject, ever since their first and only kiss so far. It had been a huge, life-changing moment and although it would have been nice to have had "the talk" right afterwards, having a week to digest it all and putting it into perspective had helped to make her surer of a few things. First and foremost, of those was that she wanted Jen to be her first girlfriend, should Jen want to do the same thing with her. She felt ready to explore this crazy little thing called love for the first time and who better was there for her to try it with, than the girl who had helped to save her from the mostly miserable life she´d led, before they became friends?
Her time living with a depressed alcoholic almost felt like something that happened to someone else already, now that she was living with the Potter family and joyfully soaking up every moment of living there, like it was going out of fashion. Even if they weren´t the most conventional family, the way they´d taken her in had made her feel welcome and like a part of the family from the moment, she´d stepped through their front door for the first time. In turn, it had made her feel at home there in no time. Another new sensation had begun to spring forth in her as well: She actually wanted to help the family out and pay back the kindness, they were showing her! Whether it was helping out at the restaurant, doing the dishes after dinner or getting up in the middle of the night to comfort a crying Alexander, she was finding that there was a strange sense of accomplishment, one she had to admit felt pretty great, that came along with helping out.
Best of all though, was how all of that constant uncertainty over how the next day would turn out, had all but completely gone away as well. Knowing what kind of her mood her mom would be in from one day from the next was close to impossible to predict, and it would usually be herself, who felt the consequences in the form of getting yelled at and called nasty things, whenever that mood would hit rock bottom. Bodie, Bessie and Joey were the kind of people, who would never treat her like that and having Alexander as an adorable "Bonus Little Brother", was just the cherry on the "Good Luck Sundae", she was indulging in all that she could.
The only thing that could make her life look even more up, was if Jen told her that she´d been thinking about their kiss constantly too and before the evening was over, they´d be counting the number of kisses they´d shared by the dozens. Or at least, that was what Abby daydreamed about, as she came up to Jen´s grandparents´ house.
Things were getting desperate for Jen, when it came to making a final decision, as the minutes counted down way too fast to Abby´s arrival and the talk, they were going to have. During that time, she kept going over what her options were in her head.
These were the five possible outcomes; she came up with:
1. She turns Abby down; Abby becomes mad at her and never talks to her again. In turn, this creates a rift in her friend group, that she´ll have to unwillingly deal with for the rest of high school. This would be the worst-case scenario.
2. She gives in to Abby´s pleas and they start a relationship, that´s doomed from the start, because she´s still in love with Pacey and is on top of that feeling pretty sure, that she isn´t ready to do more with Abby right now, than the one kiss they´d shared. Because of herself not being able to fake it, they soon after break up and once again, Abby hates her and as a minimum, doesn´t talk to her for a long while afterwards. This, Jen considered to be the second-worst scenario.
3. She turns Abby down, Abby leaves without saying a word and things are weird between them for a month or two, until they eventually start talking again. While she would rather avoid this happening, it was still a better outcome than any of the worst-case scenarios.
4. Abby becomes mad at her for not liking her back but hides it and slightly resents her in silence for a period of time, until she eventually gets over it, when she finds a real girlfriend. This one, Jen considered to be the most likely scenario.
5. Abby is fine with it, admitting that she isn´t ready for more either, they hug it out and are able to laugh about it afterwards. Maybe in time, when they´re both older and much readier for it, they can give it another try, but that part is optional and in Jen´s mind, not nearly on the same level of importance as the two of them remaining friends.
While she was thinking about it, she kept a lookout through her window for Abby, who would probably be dressed in the same kind of work t-shirt, she´d seen Joey in dozens of times. From what she could see in the darkness of the evening, it was Bessie (probably on her way home, to relieve Joey of her duties as babysitter for Alexander), who dropped Abby off in front of their house. As her friend walked up to it, Jen felt her heart start to race faster and the nervousness growing inside at the very core of her being.
Abby hated uncomfortable silences and the one she had with Jen´s grandmother, while they were waiting for Jen to come down, felt like it lasted an eternity. The old lady seemed nice enough, if more than a bit on the boring side to her and as it usually was, she never knew what to talk to old people about. "What do old people think about?", she´d just begun thinking to herself, as the welcome sound of footsteps came from Jen´s room upstairs.
After grabbing a glass of Jen´s grandmother´s homemade peach iced tea (a drink that she would easily put up as one the best beverages, she´d ever tasted) to bring upstairs, they´d quickly gotten cozy, once they got up to Jen´s room. Still not cozy in the way that Abby wanted them to, but cozy none the less.
"So, how was your first day the Icehouse?" Jen asked, before nervously taking a sip from her glass.
"Kind of cool, actually! It was busy for most of the time, I made over eighty bucks in tips and I´m pretty sure that I had some boy hit on me. He was too young for me, but it doesn´t hurt to get a confidence boost like that once in a while" Abby gladly explained.
"Before we know it, you´ll start to turn into an independent young woman, who doesn´t need charity from others or the help of her parents, in order to get by in the world".
"Wouldn´t that be all kinds of awesome? What about you? I´m guessing that you don´t plan on hanging out around here any longer, than you have to, after you graduate?"
"First I have to pass my sophomore year, which considering the lousy grades I brought with me from New York, isn´t a given yet. After high school ends, I guess I´ll be going to college somewhere like Boston or one of the other big cities on the east coast. New York has great colleges too, but it also has my parents living there, so ..." Jen´s sentence trailed off, without her knowing how to finish it. As it did, a thought began to build in Abby´s mind. A thought, that hadn´t been there before, when it had still been clouded from the rush of that magical kiss on the way home from Chris Wolfe´s party.
"You´re pretty sure that you´re going to college, then?" she asked.
"If I don´t, then I don´t see how I´ll ever get back on my parents´ good graces. I want to get an education too, so that I don´t have to take whatever untrained job, I can get. Don´t you, too?"
"Only if I can get one, without having to spend any more time in school, than I absolutely have to! Here I thought that we both hated school and you´re telling me, that you actually want to voluntarily sign up for more of it, when you could be done and no one says that you have to?" she had to ask, considering how crazy it sounded in her own ears.
"I don´t like school as such, but it isn´t like I hate it or anything. As insane as it sounds, I think I might end up missing it a little, when it´s over".
"That does sound insane, you´re right on that point!"
"I mean, think about it. At school, I get to hang out with you every day and once it´s over, we won´t get to do that as much anymore. That´s if we´ll get to do it at all, should we end up living in different places. Not to sound like I´m "Miss Needy Girl" here, but I´d like to think that you feel the same way, when it comes to how much you´ll miss me" Jen said from the heart and like a natural reflex, Abby felt like she had to comfort her, by saying something nice back.
"You know that I will! Jen, Pacey is a good friend too, but he´s a boy and even in the unlikely event that me and Joey end up becoming like sisters, there´ll always be a special place in my heart for you! Which is also why I think that we should try to put our kiss behind us and just stay friends".
Jen could barely believe her luck, when she´d heard what Abby had just said and from what she guessed, wasn´t doing the best job of hiding her enormous amount of relief.
"Abby, I´ve been thinking the same thing. It was a really nice kiss and I´m really glad, not to mention a little proud, that it was so great for you. I´m just ..."
"Not ready for it to become more than that. Jen, it´s okay, that you aren´t!"
"You´re not mad at me at all?" Jen shyly asked and clearly now Abby felt, like she had to be the reassuring party here.
"I wouldn´t get mad at you over something like that! Listen, it was an awesome kiss and something I won´t ever forget, but I´d infinitely rather that you´re honest with me like this, than see you do anything else, you could have done in this situation".
"Plus, there´s the whole question of how a break-up would affect our friendship. I know that it sounds immensely corny for me to say so, but I´d far rather have you as my friend for a lifetime, than have you as my lover for a month, or even a year or two" Jen sweetly told her, instantly making the loving vibes between them, grow to ceiling shattering levels.
"When you say it that way, it doesn´t sound all that bad! Do you really think we have the sort of friendship, that´ll last forever and ever?"
"As long as we don´t let romantic entanglements come between us, I think, it will. Are there any dangers of that, she asked slyly, trying to covertly find out if her friend still likes boys or not?" Jen joked and it brought a small smile to Abby´s face.
"You can just ask me straight out, as long as I get to ask you one question. And you have to tell me the truth" Abby dared her.
"I guess, that´s fine with me. Do you still find boys attractive, or is it all girls for you from here on out?"
"I can still look at a guy and think that he´s attractive, I just don´t want to hook up with any of them. At least, as far as the boys, I´ve met so far goes".
"So, you´re gay, just not entirely sure if there isn´t a little bit of bi-sexual in you?"
"Or in other words: Every shrink´s wet dream, if I wasn´t already thanks to how my parents screwed up with me!"
"Are you ready to say, have a girlfriend?"
"Perhaps. I´m ready to give it a try, if I by some miracle manage to find the right girl for the job around these parts. That was more than one question, so now it´s my turn. Are you, or are you not, in love with Pacey Witter?"
Of course, Abby had to ask the one question, Jen didn´t feel like answering.
"The truth?" Jen asked back, looking like she was so ashamed of her feelings for Joey´s boyfriend, that she didn´t want to say the words out loud.
"You are, aren´t you?"
"I don´t want to be. You can´t tell him or Joey anything!" Jen pleadingly asked of her, while staring a hole through Abby´s eyes, directly to her soul.
"Of course, I won´t!" Abby reassured her friend.
In Abby´s head though, a plan was beginning to form. A plan, that if it came to fruition would turn out with a best-case scenario ending for everyone. It included a whole lot of if´s and if you calculated the odds on it, it would seem like insanity to even try it. The more she considered it throughout the rest of the evening however, the more it began to seem do-able.
After they´d hugged goodnight and Abby had begun to make her way home, Jen pinched her arm just to make sure that it wasn´t all a dream, these past few (very enjoyable) hours that she´d spent in Abby´s delightful company. Even in her most positive thoughts leading up to this dreaded day, she hadn´t expected Abby to both bring it up and be the one, who said that she wanted to just remain friends.
Jen had plenty of problems in her life and her love life was still one huge mess, but for the rest of that evening at least, it felt like her chaotic life was a little more in order, than she usually felt it was. Now, she only had the very long list of other things holding her back in her life, to deal with.
Abby had left Jen´s just in time to catch Pacey at "Screen Time", before they closed at nine o´clock. When she came into the store, he was just finishing up watching "Say Anything", from what she could tell.
"Sorry, Abby. I´ve already closed up the hardcore porn section for the evening" he quickly joked.
"I´m sure that you can tell me, which of the movies in there are worth watching!" she fired back at him.
"A good salesman has to know his product, doesn´t he? I´m just about to close up, so if you want to rent a movie, I suggest you be fast about it" he told her, before shutting the movie off and setting the tape to rewind.
"That´s not why I´m here. Pacey, there´s something important that Joey hasn´t told you. Something, you should know" she tentatively said and quickly got his undivided attention.
"And how would you know about this, when I don´t?"
"I overheard Bessie and Bodie talking and afterwards, Bessie explained the whole situation to me. Did you know about Joey´s connections to France?" she asked, making him look a bit puzzled.
"I know that she speaks French fluently and that her mom studied there years ago. Why do you ask?"
"Because she´s been offered the chance to go there on a kind of free student exchange scholarship thing, for the entirety of the next semester. I know, I didn´t say it the best or the correct way, but you get what I mean!" she told him, and it would be a minute or two, until the shock had worn off enough for him to respond.
"Why wouldn´t she tell me?" he finally asked her.
"She´s blinded by her love for you, Pacey. More than that, she´s obviously scared out of her mind of losing what she has with you. It isn´t my decision what you should do, but from what Bessie has told me, this has been a dream of hers since she was a kid. You don´t want to be the one, who takes that dream away from her, do you?"
Joey wouldn´t have wanted her to do this, that much she was sure of. Then again, if it all worked out in the end like she´d planned and Joey would both get her adventure of a lifetime and get her beloved Pacey back, once she came back home again, wouldn´t this be just about the nicest thing, she ever could have done to repay what Joey had done for her?
After her talk with Pacey, she walked home (a brisk three-mile hike) and as she did, a philosophical question filled her mind. Is honesty always the best policy? In the past, she´d seen lying as a necessary evil, but was it really? If she´d been honest about how bad it was at home to those, who cared about her, she would have gotten help a lot sooner and perhaps, it would have been the badly needed wake-up call that her mom needed. With any luck, it would have been the trigger for her mom realizing, that she had a serious drinking problem and wouldn´t be on the verge of going to jail, as a direct consequence of it. Of course, no one could say for sure if that´s how it would have turned out, but it would have been better than how it did, that much was for sure. Who knows if her parents wouldn´t still be together, if they´d only been more honest with one another and hadn´t allowed unspoken things to fester, until it led to an inevitable divorce?
The things that she did now, would no doubt lead to some hurt feelings here and there in the short scope of things. In the end though, it would turn out better for everyone involved and if she had to be the one, who forced her closest friends to start being honest with one another, then it was a price, she was willing to pay. Joey and Pacey, for as great as a couple as they were, would have in all likelihood broken up anyway, once Joey began to find herself if not hating, then at least not liking him as much as she did now, for being the reason why she hadn´t chased her dream when she had the chance to. Jen, she was even more worried about and if Jen never talked to Pacey about her feelings for him, Abby could only guess that it would lead to her doing the same things again, that had brought her so much trouble, back before they became friends. Being a good friend is one thing and an important thing too, but you can´t keep something that big bottled up forever, without your mind eventually having some kind of negative reaction to it. Even if it wouldn´t lead to Pacey and Jen becoming a hot couple, he still deserved to know exactly what his options were, at least as far as she saw it.
Joey was the only one, who was still up, when she came back to her temporary home. Not that it surprised her, since she knew that Bessie and Bodie tended to use whichever chance to catch up on their sleep, that they had to.
"Don´t you get enough of school in you know, actual school?" Abby had to ask Joey jokingly at the sight of Joey´s schoolbooks strewn across the living room coffee table and the way Joey had her head figuratively buried in them.
"Asks the girl, who´s proud of her D-plus average, I´m sure" Joey fired back, without a glance back at her.
"Touché! Is this what you´ve been doing all evening long?" she asked, as she took a seat in one of their comfy chairs and took a load off.
"I had to wait until Alexander went to sleep, before I could get properly started on my mountain of homework. How was your evening?"
"Interesting, to say the least!"
"Interesting how?"
"Well, for one thing I had a long talk with Jen. I don´t know if she told you, but we had a little smooching session, on the way home from Chris Wolfe´s party" she said bluntly, catching Joey full attention by doing so.
"Actually, she sort of did. I just ..."
"Didn´t want me to know, so Jen wouldn´t look bad for having told you. That´s the problem with you and your friends, you´re never honest with one another, when you should be!" Abby made Joey bat an eye by saying.
"No one ever claimed that we were anything close to perfect".
"I´m fine with Jen telling you! Just like I´m fine with her and I having decided that it´s better, if we continue on solely as friends. And you know why I am? Because we were being one hundred percent honest with each other! Like we all should be more of the time, if you ask me" she said, hoping that it would hit home with Joey. From the looks of it, it did as well.
"Yeah, but you can´t be honest all of the time. People could get hurt or it could lead to trouble being stirred up. No one wants that!" Joey stated, as if trying to make herself believe that it was true.
"Why not, if everyone ends up winning by not having to lie anymore at the end of it? Now, it´s like Jen and I can start fresh without any secrets holding us down and I´ll be the first to tell you, that it feels awesome! You should try it too".
"No secrets at all? Somehow, I´m finding that a little hard to believe".
"I know things about her now, I´m guessing that you don´t".
"Name one" Joey dared her, without knowing that she´d just given Abby a perfect opening to spill perhaps the biggest secret of them all.
"Did you know that she´s in love with someone?" Abby slyly asked and from the look on Joey´s face, this was fresh off the press news to her.
"With whom?"
"The one guy around here, that she can´t tell you about her feelings for. I don´t need to spell it out any further than that, do I?"
Going by Joey´s facial expression, she clearly didn´t.
END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN