The ownership of all characters related to and involving the novels of The Vampire Academy and Bloodlines Series remain the sole property of Richelle Mead, the Penguin Group and any affiliates.
No copyrights have been infringed on maliciously.
A/n: Sorry about the week-long delay. I had every intention of posting last week, but a day-long wedding I had to travel for ended up being a weekend-long wedding, so there was no time for my last minute read-through until later in the week. Hope you enjoy. Thanks.
A Conflict of the Soul
Chapter Eight
"You're looking for Rose Hathaway? I'm sorry; Guardian Belikov, but you've just missed her."
"Missed her? What do you mean?"
"She left about ten minutes ago. She said that she had permission to run this morning…with you." Wide-eyed, the lobby monitor at dhampir housing paled a little at my scowling expression. Swearing beneath my breath, my jaw clenched in frustration. Irritated already by lack of sleep, Janine's manipulations and my own stupidity, I wasn't in the best of moods to now hear that Rose wasn't in the one place she should be.
"Is there a problem, Guardian Belikov?" She asked hesitantly, fidgeting behind the desk, my agitated behaviour obviously making her nervous. "Should I not have let her go? Should I get someone to bring her back?"
Forcing my features to unclench, I smiled reassuringly at her. The last thing I needed was to draw attention to myself whilst looking for my wayward student. "No, no. There isn't a problem, Mrs Morris. The grounds have been secured again. It must have slipped my mind that we were running this morning, that's all. I'll go and find her. Thank you." Pivoting quickly on my heel, I was out of the lobby before she could say another word.
A little after six a.m., the grounds were quiet still as I made my way back to guardian housing. The normal school day wouldn't begin for another two hours. Hoping to use this to my advantage by pulling Rose out of housing early with a ready excuse of training, I would now have to spend that time looking for her. I had a fairly good idea of which path she would take to run, but Rose was unpredictable at the best of times.
I could spend the next hour running in one direction, whilst she ran in another just to be contrary.
Bounding up the stairs to my room, I quickly changed into running gear before slipping out again. Managing to avoid anyone who would want to know where I was going, my path skirted the elementary campus until I met the open fields. Running down the embankment leading to the upper fields, my pace quickened as I began my search.
Following the sun eastwards, the pale pinks and yellows of it rising streaked across the land. Warmer this morning than last night, the thaw was continuing to spread quickly across the fields and woods as large patches of wild grass and flowers pushed through the last of the winter frost. It was a beautiful morning, but I couldn't appreciate it as much as I should have.
Not with my mind on other things.
During the hours of night spent lying wide-eyed, my guilty conscious had taken great delight in tormenting me over the endless list of my own shortcomings, the greatest of which was the very guilt that kept me awake.
All along it had been guilt that had driven my actions. Misplaced guilt…manipulated guilt, but guilt all the same. Janine had seen it and ruthlessly exploited it by making me doubt not only myself, but my relationship with Rose. I should have known what she was doing. I should have seen that her motivations were ulterior, but I hadn't.
Blinded by the fear that this would affect Rose in the future and that she would resent me, it had taken Lissa's clear insight and blunt character profile of Janine to finally make me see that Rose had been right…I had played straight into Janine's hands. And to make matters worse, I couldn't even completely villainies her for it.
Not when I was just as big a culprit as she was.
I had treated Rose no differently than her mother did by dismissing what she had said. I had treated her concerns and her plea's as though they meant nothing. As though she was a child who couldn't possibly understand the consequences of our actions and therefore was to be ignored or underestimated.
But she had understood perfectly…and I hadn't.
How did I begin to make amends to Rose now? What could I say to her that would make her understand why I had done what I had done without causing her more pain? What did I say to her that would earn back her trust? I would beg, on my knees, if I had to for her to forgive me, but I knew that her trust wouldn't be easily earned back with any amount of grovelling.
Spotting her in the distance, she was running hard towards the woods, across the open plain. If she got into them before I caught up to her, she would disappear amongst the shadows and slip past me back towards the upper campus before I could stop her.
"Rose!"
Looking over her shoulder as my call carried over the field; she frowned, but didn't slow down. Turning away, she veered off to the left and the small thicket of pine trees leading to the woods bordering the boundary. Swearing viciously as she did exactly what I thought she would, I pushed harder and called to her again.
"Rose! Rose! Dammit, Rose. Stop!"
Still ignoring me, she ran down an embankment, but had to slow her speed to keep from tripping forward with momentum. Gaining on her by inches through a longer stride; it wasn't until I reached the bottom of the small hill that I was finally within touching distance of her.
"Rose…Rose, you don't have to stop running, just slow down a little so that I can talk to you."
Digging her heels suddenly into the thawing ground, Rose swung around abruptly to face me. Swerving a little to avoid running into her, she was breathing hard as she glared. "Why?"
Slowing to a walk, my own breathing was as just as hard as I stopped a few feet away from her, but it had more to do with worry than physical exertion. I had no idea how she was going to react, or what the final outcome of this conversation would bring, and it made me nervous. "I know that you're angry with me, but please just let me talk to you."
"And again I ask, why? What is the point of talking to you, Dimitri? You might listen to what I say today, you might even agree to what I say today, but we both know that if something happens tomorrow, you'll decide on your own that everything needs to change."
Taking a step closer, her eyes narrowed dangerously, and she took a step backwards. "You have every right to be angry about that, and with me," I pacified, my voice mild, and undemanding, but I didn't try to get any closer to her. "But…"
"But, nothing, Dimitri. You've already made your decision, and clearly you've also already made your choice."
"Choice?" I asked warily, unsure of the dangerous glint in her eyes as she sidetracked me. "What do you mean?"
"Tasha." She uttered succinctly.
"Rose…"
"How was dinner, comrade?" The term was normally used as a loose term of endearment, but there was nothing endearing about it now. "Did you enjoy Tasha's company? After all, you two have such fun when you're together."
"Nothing happened..."
"I find that very hard to believe," she interrupted sarcastically, tersely crossing her arms across her chest. "I also find it very convenient that you decide we need to take a break, and two days later, your girlfriend Tasha arrives. Was that your plan all along? Sex with me until she got here, then you'd substitute one for the other?"
Offended by the idea, I snapped, "That's ridiculous," before sighing. Briefly I closed my eyes and tried to control my temper. "I would never be unfaithful to you, Roza. Whatever other problems we may have, that is the one thing that you should never question."
"Yeah? I also thought I could trust you, but I was obviously wrong about that, so why shouldn't I question everything you've ever said or done…and don't call me Roza." She spat, swiping at a strand of hair that had escaped the messy ponytail with an aggravated movement.
Expecting the fury, it was Rose's dogmatic, unforgiving stance that concerned me the most. I knew that it was a manifestation of the pain she felt; a physical outlet that was needed and there wasn't any better way of venting then lashing out at me. Deserving everything I got, it was better for her to get it off her chest now, so I wouldn't stop it…but it was also dangerous to let her go on for too long. I didn't want her caught up in her emotional turmoil and losing sight of what we needed to settle between us.
"Rose, if you'll just lis…"
"What happened between you and Tasha last year?"
Anticipating that she would throw this in my face, I wasn't surprised by it, but now wasn't the right time to start a conversation that was only going to upset her more. "You have nothing to worry about with Tasha, Rose."
"That's an evasion, not an answer. Something you're very good at." Laughing humourlessly to herself, Rose sighed heavily and looked out at the forest, talking without looking at me. "You know what, Dimitri? It doesn't matter anymore. If you want Tasha, then go to her. You turned down her offer last year, but I'm sure that she'll take you back with open arms if you ask nicely."
"You don't mean that."
Whipping her head around to look at me now, the coldly impersonal fury in her eyes frightened me more than her words did. "I do mean it; she's welcome to you. I can't form a lasting relationship with someone that I don't trust."
Feeling the bottom of my stomach drop away, I had to lock my knees to keep them from buckling beneath me. Of all the things I had expected Rose to say, and I thought I had expected everything; this was not what I had ever thought I would hear from her. Not after the last time…not after Idaho.
Panicking, I couldn't think clearly enough to argue with her, and could only stutter out. "But…but you love me."
"Yeah, I do. Pathetic, right?" More upset with herself over this than with me; Rose rubbed at her temples tiredly. "I'll talk to Alberta about pairing me with another instructor for the rest of the year. I won't give a reason, but she probably won't ask for one." Turning away, her back was rigidly straight as she began to walk away from me…again.
The last time I had watched her do it I hadn't stopped her because I thought it was necessary, but it hadn't been. It had been a mistake...and not one that I was ever going to be stupid enough to repeat. Galvanized into action, I caught up to Rose in three strides. Curling my fingers around the tops of her shoulders, I spun her around to face me. Wide-eyed with surprise, the look was quickly replaced by fury as she struggled against my hold.
"Let me go, Dimitri!" Spitting between her teeth, Rose fought furiously as my fingers tightened.
"Never." I gritted out through teeth clenched just as tightly.
Trying to twist out from beneath my inescapable hold, Rose quickly realised that she was no match for my strength. Switching tactics, her training kicked in. Angling her body to the right, she turned her elbow outwards and rammed it into my stomach. Doubling over from the pain of impact, the hit winded me momentarily, but did not make me loosen my hold.
Curling my arms around her, I trapped her against my chest and pinned her arms to her side, glowering down at her as she continued to thrash about. "Stop it, Rose. Stop it and listen to me. I don't want, Tasha. I want you…I will always want you."
"I don't care what you want!" She screamed back; nostrils flaring and brown eyes blazing with fury, but at the corner of them, hidden in the depths, I could see the beginnings of moisture forming. The anger was still there, but the pain swelling beneath it was too strong to control. Blinking furiously against the welling of them, they wouldn't be stemmed.
Glaring murderously at me, either out of frustration or embarrassment, Rose closed her eyes and lowered her head, hoping that I wouldn't see them, but I had, and the sight of them hurt me almost more than I could stand.
"I'm sorry." I whispered in a thick, pained voice. Lowering my head, my lips brushed against the wet skin with the lightest of pressure, but instead of allowing the comfort and the kiss I so badly wanted, Rose jerked her head away to scowl threateningly at me.
"You're sorry? You're sorry?" She spat furiously. "I'm so fucking tired of sorry, Dimitri. It doesn't change what's happened. It doesn't fix what you did. It won't stop you from doing it again!"
"I will never again make the mistake of listening to Janine Hathaway."
Rose twisted her mouth into a scoffing sneer. "Now it was a mistake? Three days ago you were adamant that it was the right thing to do. That she knew everything and nothing I could say would make any difference, so what's changed, comrade?"
"Everything."
Frowning at the raw sincerity in my voice, it seemed to momentarily knock some of the fight out of Rose.
Seeing this as my opportunity to finally clear the air, I wrapped her closer to my chest and started to talk quickly and quietly, holding her moist gaze. "I've spent the last few hours questioning every decision I've made over the last three days, and coming up with only one answer…I was wrong, and you were right."
"I know that means very little now because the mistake has already been made, and I've hurt you because of it, but I'm hoping that by explaining why I did what I did that morning in the forest, you'll understand my motivations. I'm not expecting you to forgive me, and I know that I might never earn back your trust, but I'm asking for you to listen anyway. Will you do that? Will you listen?"
Nodding slowly, Rose watched me warily.
"I had a fairly good idea that Janine would confront me and try to trick me into revealing the true nature of our relationship, and I was right. For the most part, I was able to deflect during our return to campus, which only seemed to make her angrier. But your mother is smart…and very, very manipulative. She could see that no matter which angle she tried, I wasn't going to slip up and tell her, so she tried the only angle that she had left to use against me…my guilt."
"She asked me to think about you, instead of myself, if I wasn't willing to answer her questions. She asked me to think about what it would do to you if it was revealed that our relationship wasn't strictly platonic. It would jeopardize your future…it would jeopardize your placement with Lissa and you would resent me for it, all because I was being selfish in continuing our relationship now, instead of after you had graduated, when it was safer."
"I knew she had no real idea of our relationship, and that she was only exploiting whatever weakness she could use against me, but that didn't seem to matter. At the time, all I could think was that she was right. How could she not be? She was your mother; surely she must have your best interest at heart? She could obviously see everything far more objectively then I was capable of, so why shouldn't I listen to her? That was when I decided that time apart was for the best. It wasn't what I wanted; being apart from you has been nothing short of agony, but I truly didn't know of any other way going forward."
"It was only after that I was made to see that what she was doing; she was doing for her own benefit, not yours. Her ulterior motive was to protect her future, not yours, but by the time I had learnt the truth, it was already too late. I had already made the decision that hurt you…hurt us, all because I let fear blind me, but worst of all because I wouldn't listen to you."
"I disregarded everything you said because I didn't think that you truly understood just how dangerous this was, but you did. You understood it better than I did, and I'm so, so sorry that I didn't listen, Rose, that I allowed Janine to create doubt, that I thought time apart would work. I thought that it was the best way to protect you, but all it's done is make both of us unhappy."
"I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to make amends for what I've done, or if you'll ever believe the sincerity of what I'm saying, but I can promise you one thing. I will never, never make another decision concerning us again without talking to you first. And if you forgive me…if you give me another chance, I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you."
Silent for a long moment after my impassioned speech, Rose sighed heavily before lowering her spiky lashes and replying in an emotionless monotone. "Fine, you've explained. You're an idiot that was played by Janine Hathaway. Apology accepted. Now can you please let me go?"
Bothered by the dullness of her voice, my heart thumped painfully against my ribs at the realisation that my apology was too little, too late.
"It doesn't make any difference what I say to you, does it? You'll never forgive me." Waiting for her answer, the seconds passed painfully slow; the silence telling. Dropping my head, I miserably rested my forehead against hers. "Rose, please? Tell me what to do…tell me what to say to fix this."
Stiffening at my whispered plea, Rose blinked incredulously at me. "Fix this? It can't be fixed, Dimitri! Even if I could forgive you for treating me like a child, for ignoring everything that I wanted because you thought you knew better, for keeping me at arm's length because you thought it would solve the problem, which clearly it didn't, there is one thing that I will never forgive you for…listening to my mother!"
Enraged again, the supressed emotion thickened Rose's voice until it was a husky rasp. "I trusted you more than anyone in the world, even Lissa, but you betrayed that trust in the worst possible way…by choosing to allow Janine to tear us apart, by trusting her, instead of me! How could you do that? Anyone else I could have believed would do it, but not you…anybody but you!" Blinking at the tears now spilling over the rim of her lids, they steaked down her angrily flushed cheeks in trails of salty accusation.
Clutching her tightly to my torso, my fingers shook as they wiped them gently away. "Don't cry, moye serdtse. Please, don't cry." Undone by the gentleness of my touch, Rose sobbed brokenly against my chest; her tears scalding as they soaked into my t-shirt. Crooning softly to her, the words weren't important, only that they conveyed a sense of comfort.
Eventually quietening, Rose's sobs turns to sniffles as the tried to regain control of her emotions. Breathing in deep, shuddering lunges, she kept her face buried in my chest, but said nothing more. Lowering my head until my mouth was level with her ear; I spoke very softly into it, trying once again to communicate how sorry I was. "I don't deserve your forgiveness, your trust, or your love after what I've done, but I'm asking for them anyway, because living without them won't be living at all. Please give me another chance to prove that I'm worthy of them?"
There wasn't anything more that I could say. Now it was up to Rose to decide what she would do.
Waiting tensely for long moments, the silence as it drew out was unnerving. When there was nothing from her, no sound or movement, I began to fear the worst…that I was too late, that she wouldn't forgive me. Feeling as though my heart was too heavy for my chest, grief and despair rippled painfully throughout my body. Clutching her too tightly for comfort, I didn't know how I would survive letting her go now, much less losing her forever.
Almost hearing the seconds ticking away, a new kind of desperation seized me…the desperation to taste her just one more time. Tipping her chin up gently, my mouth traced over the ear I had spoken into. Kissing my way gently from the top of her jaw to the corner of her damp mouth, the faint taste of salt from her tears made me hesitate for a moment; unsure as to if she would allow it, but decided that if this was going to be our last kiss, I would risk it.
Moulding my lips to hers, the first touch of our mouths almost forced me to my knees in hunger. Controlling myself somehow, I kept the kiss very light; gently shaping her lips to my own without forcing anything on her, when all that the pleasure of the touch made me was greedy for more. Unresponsive at first, Rose didn't struggle or participate, but her natural aggression, coupled with the same need as my own eventually forced a response.
Tugging impatiently at her trapped arms, I released them before deepening the angle of our kiss. Looping them around my neck, Rose stood on the tips of her toes, clinging tightly as my own wrapped around her waist again and pulled her closer. Groaning at the pleasure of having her in my arms, my tongue tentatively ran along the seam of her closed lips, asking instead of taking, and she responded in a way that set the blood in my veins on fire.
Breaking away with a gasp before the kiss became combustible; Rose rested her head in the crook of my neck, struggling to regulate her breathing. My own wasn't much better. Skimming my lips lightly over her cheek as I tried to bring my raging arousal under control, Rose scratched lightly over my nape with the short edge of her nails. Pulling back a little, she looked at me with eyes that were still watering, but also very clear. She seemed to be assessing something.
"What is it?" I asked thickly, unable to stop the flare of hope from rising. She might have responded to my kiss, but that didn't mean anything.
"I hate that I can't stay mad at you. I hate that I can't hu…" Stopping, Rose dug her nails into the skin of my neck, but the small flare of pain was hardly noticeable. Glancing away, she looked almost guilty for admitting it, when she had nothing to be guilty about.
"You can, Rose." Softly compelling, my fingertips found her chin and turned her slowly to face me. "I was the one stupid enough to drive a wedge between us, and I know how much I've hurt you because of it, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been just as miserable as you have. I'm not trying to dismiss your pain…I'm trying to relate that I've suffered because of it too."
"Good. You deserve to suffer." Arching a sardonic brow, she dared me to argue.
"I do. I'm not going to argue with that."
"That's also good." Sighing, Rose ran the palms of her hands down the sides of my neck. Resting them on my chest, she searched for my heartbeat beneath the cotton and flesh. Resting her forehead just above my left pectoral, she pressed a light kiss over my heart before turning to press her ear against it. Hugging her tightly when she said nothing more, my optimism surged before I could stop it.
"Does this mean you've…forgiven me?"
"Are you prepared to grovel?"
"Yes!"
Bursting out a startled laugh at the vehemence of my swift response, Rose tilted her head back. Searching her eyes carefully, there was still fear and confusion, anger and pain there, but there was also acceptance, and what I hoped, was understanding. "I don't want you to grovel for forgiveness, Dimitri, but I might consider forgiving you if you teach me how to say, 'my boyfriend is a dick', in Russian."
Knowing I deserved it, and more than happy at this point to give her anything she wanted, I enunciated every word carefully, grinning in approval as she repeated them effortlessly, mimicking my accent almost perfectly. "That was very good, Rose. I think you're going to pick up the language quickly."
"So does that mean you're actually going to teach me the language? I've only been asking for the better part of six months."
"Yes, I will teach you. Consider it part of my penance."
Rising to her toes again, Rose gently kissed me before sighing against my lips. "I don't want penance from you."
"You deserve it." Breathing into the kiss, it was different from the one before. There was no rush or desperation to it now, only a tentative reunion. There were still things that needed to be said and decisions that needed to be resolved, but this was at least a step in the right direction. Lingering for a second longer, Rose ended the kiss with a gentle tug of my bottom lip.
"I don't want penance, and I don't want to forgive you either, but it seems like I don't have any choice. I love you too much to punish you for much longer, even if you deserve it. But you need to understand that even though I get why you did what you did, what you did was really crappy, Dimitri. You need to understand that because of it, I now have doubts about you that I never had before…that I never thought I would have, and you need to understand that because of those doubts, it's going to take me a long time to trust you again."
Swallowing painfully around the lump in my throat, I nodded jerkily, resting my forehead against her. "I do understand, Rose. Truly, I do, and I'm not asking for your trust…not right now. I know that because of my stupidity, I have to prove that I'm worthy of it, and the only way I know how to do that is through time. Time for you to see how much I love you. Time for you to see that I will never make this mistake again…time for me to regain your trust."
Kissing down her nose, I pulled back a little to gauge her reaction. Holding my gaze steadily, the tears had most dried over her silky skin, and her eyes were clear and almost bottomless. Smiling gently, Rose looked calmer than I had ever seen her, but I was afraid that it was a false calm…like one before a storm.
"Well, I suppose I can give you time. We have enough of it."
Exhaling loudly at her reply, I needed to clarify everything, just to be on the safe side. "So…you forgive me?"
"Yes, I forgive you, and I accept your apology."
"And this time you mean it?"
"Yes, this time I mean it. I'm still not happy with you, but I can deal with that." Kissing me as gently as she had smiled, I was hungry for more by the time she broke the contact, but I didn't push. Cupping my face, her thumbs glided lightly beneath my eyes, and the soft pads of flesh that were heavy and dark.
"You look tired, comrade."
"I haven't had much sleep. Fighting with you isn't good for my peace of mind."
"You know the cure for that, right?"
"What?"
"Don't ever fight with me again."
"Easily done. Have you had much sleep?"
"No, not really. Last night was the first night since the attack that I've slept properly, but basically that was because I passed out from exhaustion by nine. I was up by four and couldn't get back to sleep, so I decided to go running…by using your name as a pass. Sorry."
"Don't be." Smoothing back stray hair escaping in the morning breeze, Rose turned her head towards my touch before frowning. Guessing that she was remembering something; something not all that pleasant, I tensed a little.
"You said earlier that you were made to see that Janine was manipulating you. What did you mean?"
"Lissa."
"Lissa?" Pulling away, her brow crinkled quizzically, so I explained.
"During dinner last night, she spoke about your mother in a way that surprised me. She was harsh and very critical of Janine. In fact, I had never heard her be that unforgiving about anyone before. Certain I must have misheard or misunderstood her, I decided to ask about it whilst walking her and Christian back to housing."
"What did she say?"
"Basically the same things that you had."
Jerking away from me, Rose glared angrily. "So, you listened to Lissa about Janine, but not me?!" Writhing from my grip before I could answer, Rose almost slipped out from beneath my arms before I tightened them around her again. "No…no, I'm not letting you go until you've calmed down enough to listen to me."
Glaring mulishly, Rose waited with narrowed eyes. "Fine…explain."
"Lissa is an outsider. She has loyalty to you, yes, but she can see things from a different perspective because she's further removed. When she delivered the blunt truth about Janine, she wasn't influenced by our relationship because she doesn't know about it. That's what made me realise she knew the real Janine, and I didn't… that I had fucked up."
Arching a surprised brow at my choice of wording, it seemed to temporarily disarm Rose long enough to keep talking. "It's why I told you that I will never again listen to Janine Hathaway. You were also right about something else…if I'm not willing to defend our relationship now to someone who doesn't even know for certain that we have one, then there isn't much point to having one. And I want it, Rose. I want us, no matter how difficult it might make things in the future; I will defend it against everyone."
Sighing unsteadily at my fervent promise, the anger drained from her as quickly as it had begun, and she relaxed against me again. "You should tell my mother that the next time you see her."
"I don't think we'll be talking for a while. Did you see her again after the tattoo ceremony?"
"No. I think she left right after the enquiry, but I don't know for sure."
"I'm sorry." Kissing her brow, Rose laughed without any real humour.
"I'm not. She's caused enough harm already."
"You know that's not what I'm sorry about, Roza."
Shrugging, Rose rested her chin on my chest. "Yeah, well…it's not like our relationship was going to get any better. Maybe it's for the best." Wrinkling her nose, she smiled. "You called me Roza."
"I'm testing the waters to see if I get my head bitten off again."
"Sorry. I was just so angry with you."
"I noticed."
Wincing almost guiltily now at my dry reply, Rose kissed my chin. "What happened at the enquiry?"
"Exactly what I expected."
"A witch-hunt?"
"Yeah." Running through the details, it wasn't until I was halfway through my testimony that I realised just how much I had missed talking to her. Not just because she was the one person I could talk to about anything, but because her opinions, although sometimes completely illogical, mattered to me more than any other.
"This Marston woman sounds like a real bitch, and you basically told her and the other council members that there system is a failure," Rose muttered once I was done. "Are you sure she's not going to be a problem later? What happens if you have to go to Court to testify again?"
"If that happens, I'll deal with it; you don't have to worry about it."
"Are you sure? What if you said something in there that Guardian Marston didn't like?"
"I'm sure I said lots of thing's she didn't like, Roza, but I was careful with her. We all were. Tasha had warned me before the enquiry that she was an integrator, not an investigator, and that we all had to be guarded about what we said to her, so we all went in with our eyes wide open." Thumbing her bottom lip, it tightened at the mention of Tasha's name.
"Rose…please don't start the Tasha thing again." I begged before she could say a word, not wanting to go backwards when we were finally making progress.
"Then just tell me what happened last year! I won't hold it against you; we weren't together then, and I promise that I won't get mad…okay, okay, I probably will," she backtracked when she saw my scowl. "But I would prefer to know. You know I didn't mean what I said earlier about not wanting you and that you should go to her, but every time I think about her, or see the two of you together, my imagination runs wild. Honestly, at this point, not knowing is probably worse than knowing, so will you please, please just tell me?"
"Are you sure knowing isn't worse than not knowing, Rose? In all the time we've had together, I've had plenty of opportunities to ask about what happened between you and Mason last year, yet I never have. Now why do you think that is?"
"That's different!"
"How?"
"Because up until five days ago I was a virgin, so you know that I didn't have sex with him!" Clamping her mouth shut at her outburst, Rose bit her lip and avoided my penetrating stare, angry heat crawling up her neck and spreading along her cheeks as she blurted out the true reason for her question.
"So that's what you really want to know…if I slept with Tasha."
"Like I said. We weren't together, and…"
"No, moye serdtse."
Narrowing her eyes suspiciously as she faced me again, Rose demanded. "No, you're not going to tell me or No, you didn't sleep with her?"
"No, I didn't sleep with her. Not even close." Brushing my mouth over her brow, the tender caress settled her a little. "You know that I was desperate last year to prove that I could cut all emotional ties with you, but desperation isn't any kind of excuse for using someone like that. That's not how I was raised…that's not who I am."
Holding her gaze steadily, Rose searched my features intently, looking for any nuance or inflection that would belie the truth of what I had just told her. When all she could see was sincerity, the tension keeping her so rigidly upright melted away. Keeping her locked tightly to me, I took her sagging weight.
"You believe me, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Good, I'm happy that you do, and relieved. I was worried that after what's happened, you would question everything I said to you."
"No. I'm not going to questioned everything, Dimitri…I'm just going to be more cautious, for a little while at least."
"Fair enough. And on a different, but not unrelated topic, you'll be happy to know that I told Tasha last night that there was never going to be anything more than friendship between us. There have been enough misunderstandings already, and I didn't want any more."
"Thank you, but you've told her that before, and it didn't stop her."
"I know, and that's my fault. I should never have encouraged her last year, but…"
"Yeah, I know. I was stupid too…with Mason. So what are you going to do?"
"Wait and see. I don't think she could have misunderstood my feelings last night."
"Were you harsh with her?"
"Not harsh exactly, but I could have handled it better."
"Why didn't you? It's not like you to be rude."
"All I was thinking about was you."
Smiling and trying to hide it, Rose nibbled on my chin. "Well, then…maybe she'll get the point this time?"
"Maybe." I agreed, angling my head so that her lips could better reach mine. Standing in the warming, morning light whilst we kissed languidly, it was a moment I wanted to stay in for as long as I could, but realty, as always, was an unwelcome intruder.
"We need to go, Roza. You're going to be late for class if we don't."
Grumbling, Rose checked my watch. "If we have to."
Pressing a kiss to the top of her head, I smiled. "We do. Come on." Taking her hand, I pulled her up the hill and back towards the plains I had chased her over earlier. Walking closely together, it amazed me at how quickly our perfect synchronicity had reformed itself. I wasn't foolish enough to think that all our problems had miraculously been solved, and that nothing else would ever drive us apart, but I did feel more optimistic about the future.
"You called me something earlier…in Russian. What does it mean?"
"Moye Serdtse?" At her nod, my voice softened. "My heart…which you are." Smiling almost shyly, Rose rested her head against my arm, and allowed me, for the moment, to lead her back to where we both belonged.