THE FIRST TIME
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE - DAMMIT
"And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
And sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well, I guess this is growing up!"
BLINK 182 (From the album "Dude Ranch" (1997))
Andie had never been the type of girl, to momentarily forget about any possible negative after-effects of her decisions and go for broke. It was a curse that came with being born with an ultra-analytical mind, that had to think everything every possible outcome through at least five times, before she came to a conclusion in regards on just about any situation, that she might be faced with. It had become as undeniable of a fact, as Einstein having been a pretty clever guy and that any grade below an A-plus, she got in school, was seen by her the same way, as it would have, had it been an F. Just as an example, when she was five and her parents had taken herself and Jack down to a store to buy their first bicycles, it had taken the very young Jack less than five minutes flat in there, to find the bike of his dreams. As for herself, it had taken her over two weeks to mull over whether the pink, the green or the blue bikes, that she was torn between, would still be her preferred bike color by the time, it became too small for her and would have to be replaced with a larger one.
Sometimes, it could annoy her endlessly, that she seemed to be physically unable to make a snap decision and stick to it, until now at least. Now, where she´d just put every card that she had on the table, face-side up, when it came to her crush on one Pacey Witter.
"Andie, we can´t do this! One thing is that I can´t do this to Joey, but do you really want to start off your first relationship by being "The Other Girl?" Pacey exasperatedly asked her, after he´d backed out of the women´s room stall at the Ice House, that had only moments before been the site of her attempt to kiss him. To say that it had gone according to her plan wouldn´t be close to correct, but then again, it wasn´t like she´d had much of a plan to begin with.
"I won´t be, if you break up with her! Pacey, we connect on a deeper level! Can´t you see that?" she tried pleadingly asking him, even if it looked like the battle for his heart, if you wanted to call it such, had already been lost long ago.
"When it comes to love, it doesn´t matter if we do, because I´m in love with someone else! It wouldn´t be fair on her, me, or you for that matter, if I tried to deny it! Andie, I´m positive that there´s a parallel universe out there, where Joey and I never hooked up and a pair of other versions of us are the couple, that are the envy of everyone else at school. It just isn´t this one, and you have to try to try to forget about your crush on me, because Joey and I won´t be breaking up anytime soon. I´ll completely understand, if you want to break off our date, or you think that tutoring me would be too hard to deal with for you ..."
"No, that´s okay. If you failed all of your exams and I felt like, it was my fault, I know that it would ruin my entire summer" she honestly answered him, before they shared a small, albeit sad smile.
"Thanks. Without you, it´s hard to see how I´ll get through it".
"What can I say? You´re far from the only one, who´s been cursed with being way too nice for you own good, Pacey! I should have known that you´re too much of a nice guy, to cheat on your girlfriend, just going by how fast you made friends with my brother. For all of his shortcomings, it´s impossible to deny that he´s a damn great judge of character!" she half-joked, even if the lingering emotional pain of what had just transpired, wasn´t putting her in a joking mood.
"You´re swearing too now, McPhee? Fess up! Where´s the real Andie and what have you done with her?" he quipped, going back to humor as his defense mechanism. On one hand, it was a side of him that could annoy her, especially, when his jokes were badly timed, as it had happened a few times already. This time though, it was most welcome and brought a wry smile out of her.
"I´m still the real deal, believe it or not! You really didn´t mean it, when you said that I don´t mean anything to you?" she had to ask, now that she had what was perhaps the only chance, she´d have to.
"Andie, you´re one of a kind, and I mean that in all of the best ways! I consider myself privileged beyond belief, that you and your brother came into my life, exactly when I needed you to the most. If you can even begin to think, that you don´t mean anything to me, it just shows, that you don´t know me as well, as you like to imagine, that you do. I guess, what I´m trying to say is thanks, not just for being my infinitely patient tutor, but more than that for being my friend. It´s something that I´ll never forget and I´ll find a way to repay you, I promise. It just has to be one, that doesn´t involve our lips meeting" he sweetly told her, in a way that looked from the heart. It also helped to quell any residual anger, she may have had against him, in what felt like an instant.
"Can you give me five minutes to fix up my make-up? Alone, please?" she asked of him and although, Bessie began scolding him for going into the woman´s room, from the second that he´d opened the door out to the restaurant, a nice and calming feeling quickly began to fall over her.
A feeling, both that everything would be okay, along with one of pride, that she for the first time in her life, had told a boy, whom she had a crush on, exactly how she felt about him. Even if it hadn´t worked this time (and spectacularly not at that), she now at least knew for sure where she stood with Pacey, and if all she could be with him was friends (for now, anyway), then it was nothing more than a small inconvenience, compared to the multitude of other far more terrible things, that had befallen her and her family over the past years.
After all, as she saw it, a cup of muddy water is still a cup of water, if you happen to be dying of thirst.
Jack hadn´t been wrong, when he´d told Jen, that she needed to expect getting more than her share of jealous looks at the dance. Even before they´d reached the confines of the school, she´d both had a small group of jocks whistle at her (their supremely primal, but also at the same time delightfully easy-to-tell, way of showing appreciation for a woman´s appearance!) and had received "The Death Stare" from at least half a dozen girls, all of whom clearly wished that it could be them, decked out to look like a slightly sexier than usual Disney Princess, in her grandmother´s old dress. Even Jen herself, who (in her own opinion) had to be the most self-critical girl in their entire town, had to think that it wasn´t all because of the fine-looking boy, she had on her arm. Although, to be entirely fair, that had probably been at least part of the reason, in some of the instances.
As they entered the high school gymnasium, that for this evening had been turned into something resembling a fancy banquet hall, she had to admit that the party planning committee (that was made up entirely of seniors, none of which a lowly sophomore like herself, had ever talked to) had done a spectacular job at making it feel, like they weren´t just hanging out in the same old gymnasium, that they had P.E. in twice a week. In lieu of a band (probably to save money), they´d hired a DJ, some mid-to-late thirty-something, with a horribly lame 80´s remnant haircut, that made her seriously doubt, if he´d ever heard of the "Riot Grrl" movement, or when it came down to it, any kind of music, that had recently been in the top ten of the rock charts.
Still, little of that mattered to her, since she had what was by such a long distance, that it wasn´t even measurable, both the kindest, best dressed and best-looking date, she´d ever gone out with. Not that you could really call most of the random hook-up´s from her pre-Capeside days actual dates, as much as it having been unbridled teenage lust, displayed in the most apparent way thinkable. As for the few guys, who´d taken her out on something resembling a real date, none of them had been in the same league as Jack, neither when it came to how she connected with them on an emotional level, or for that matter in the looks department.
One thing that she had to give their DJ for the evening, was that he was pretty decent, when it came to judging the mood of the room and which song fit in with it. All of the favorite songs of DJ´s like him, that she was sure was being played at nearly every dance like this across the country, made their appearance: From Berlin´s "Take My Breath Away" or "Eternal Flame" by the Bangles to slow dance to, to up-tempo dance-oriented songs like The Prodigy´s "No Good (Start the Dance)", or "Bust a Move" by Young MC, that were sure to get close to everyone out on the floor, save for those who´d seen their videos one too many times on MTV, and gotten their fill of them. To her surprise, he even managed to throw in a few "Gems", that she hadn´t expected to hear, like Patti Smith´s brilliant version of "Because the Night", one of the better R.E.M songs, from before they became major-label sell-outs, plus Pat Benatar´s immortal 80´s classic "Love is a Battlefield", songs that only served to make her enjoy herself even more, than she already was.
Eventually though, all of that rather well-tasting punch, that she´d drunk in between dances, would have to catch up with her bladder, and she had to excuse herself from Jack´s company, in order to pay a little visit to the girl´s room. He didn´t seem to mind giving his feet a small break either, and before she left him, she tried testing the waters, when it came to a possible mouth-to-mouth kiss, with a small peck on the cheek. Jack only smiled nervously at her gesture, but it told her that if she was to go for the real thing kiss-wise, there was a good chance, that he´d kiss her back.
Coming into the bathroom, she only saw one other girl in there, that being Hannah Von Wenning, who was too busy with touching up her make-up, to pay any attention on a nobody like herself. After Jen had done what she came in there to, she walked up to the sinks to wash her hands, not thinking that someone like herself even existed in the eyes of someone like Hannah, whose family was so rich, that they could have easily bought out every single houseowner in town, should they feel like it. Not that Jen´s own parents were short on funds, they just weren´t funds that she was receiving a share of.
"You´re that girl from New York, aren´t you?" Hannah casually asked her, just after she was done making her "war-paint" look like she wanted it to.
"Apparently, that´s my codename around these parts!" Jen joked back, which drew a small giggle from Hannah.
"You´re sassy! I like it! In truth though, you shouldn´t take it personal. I´m admittedly terrible with names and dates and such. I´m ..."
"I know, who you are!" she bit Hannah off. "Even if your reputation hadn´t preceded you, I´m also best friends with Pacey´s girlfriend and he´s told me all about, how you tried to come on to him".
Just the mere mention of Pacey´s name was enough to make Hannah make a giant "Whoops Face".
"That worked out well, didn´t it? All I can say in my own defense, is that I barely know Joey anymore, so it wasn´t like I was trying to deliberately hurt her, or anything like that. For all I care, the two of them can do whatever they want to, when she comes home again and that´s the truth".
"You were just trying to get lucky, then?"
"Something like that. He completely turned me down anyway, and I was left feeling like a total fool, for having practically thrown myself at him, so I´ve paid my prize. Now, I´m with Chris and ... he´s Chris. Need I say anymore?" Hannah rhetorically asked with an added eyeroll, that spoke louder than any words could, how infinitely little she thought of her boyfriend.
"Not exactly the brightest bulb, is he?" Jen asked back, while deliberately trying to only sound half-way interested, now that she had a small opportunity to find out, why a pair of opposites like Chris and the girl, she was talking to, had suddenly hitched up.
"You can say that again! Did you know that complete imbecile actually thought that Africa is a country and not a continent, until I corrected him on it? That´s the sort of thing, a six-year-old should know! Sometimes, I think to myself, that he has to have been dropped on his head multiple times as a baby, because it's the closest thing, I can come to an explanation for how utterly dumb, that boy is!"
"It does sound a lot like something, he would think!" Jen nervously answered, preferring to let Hannah spill the juice on her own, like she was doing such a fine job of already.
"If he didn´t have a driver´s license and regular access to his mom´s car, I´d be so done with his sorry butt!" Hannah blurted out, just before she began making her way towards the door.
"Is that really the only reason, why you´re dating him?" Jen quickly asked Hannah, who turned around and smiled cockily at her.
"A girl´s gotta do, what a girl´s gotta do sometimes. I´m surprised that they didn´t teach you that, back in the Big Apple!" Hannah smirkingly replied. Moments later, she was out of the door.
On her way back to meet up with Jack, she saw Hannah and Chris dancing and when she did, she couldn´t help feeling sorry for him, something that wouldn´t have happened, only a few weeks prior. Sure, he was undoubtedly getting himself some of the really good stuff from Hannah, and she´d been unfortunate enough, to have gone to school with more than her share of immature, macho Wanna-Be's like him, who are so emotionally challenged, that they have to judge their "Manliness" on how many girls, they can convince to get naked with them, that she also knew not to feel sorry for one of them, if they got their heart stamped on. Karma is a bitch, as they say, and with herself being a natural cynic, when it came to the opposite sex, her sixth sense told her that those guys had probably done something to deserve it. In that way, Chris was a dime a dozen and usually, she would have felt it close to impossible, to feel anything aside from pure apathy, when it came to his kind.
Was that all there was to him, though? What if there was more, hidden somewhere so far underneath his skin, that even Freud would have had a severely hard time finding his way into it, and the "Stallone Junior" front that he showed to the world, was nothing more than his way of surviving in the jungle, known as high school? It wasn´t unthinkable to her anymore, and if that was the case, then she had no doubt never met a meaner and more ruthless bitch in her entire life (we´re talking aunt Hilda and Belinda combined!), than the stone-cold rich-girl hussy, whom she´d just had an far too enlightening conversation, for her own liking, with!
When she found Jack soon after, he was in the middle of a conversation with Dawson, that it looked for all of the world to her, like he couldn´t wait to get out of!
"Any help that you can offer would be appreciated. I know that ten grand sounds like a lot, but when you´re making a movie, you have so many expenses, that you burn through cash like there´s no tomorrow! If it hadn´t been for Hannah investing five grand of her own money into it too, it would have had to be a pretty short movie!" she overheard Dawson jokingly tell her date, just as she came over to join them.
"What´s the subject of discussion here?" she smilingly asked the boys, who smiled back at her.
"Dawson is trying to hijack me and Andie to work on his movie. I keep telling him that we won´t have the time to, but he won´t listen" Jack explained, which instantly made an idea pop into her head.
"I can´t say that I know too much about making movies, but I can always try to make myself useful, if you´ll have me, Dawson?" she asked the boy, who´d been the first to welcome her, after she´d gotten out of that cab in front of her Grandmom´s house, on that now infamous day, where she´d made her return to the town. With how he lit up in smile, she already knew what the answer would be.
"As I also told Jack, any help, even if it´s only for half an hour, or an hour here and there, is accepted with nothing but gratitude from my side!" Dawson explained, just as his constantly smiling girlfriend (for the past week, at least) came up behind him and put her arm around his waist.
"What Dawson is simply trying to say is thanks, Jen. Shall we, my sweet?" MB (as close to everyone had begun calling her now, thanks to her incredibly catchy slogan in her election campaign) asked Dawson, before laying a kiss on him, that to Jen more than just a little indicated, what was likely in store for them, after the dance was over!
"It´s why we came here, isn´t it?" Dawson cheekily asked his girlfriend back, before taking her hand and leading her out onto the dance floor again.
"Do you think they´re planning on ... sealing the deal tonight?" Jen whispered to Jack, while they smiled at the sight of the happy couple doing the hokey pokey. Badly too, you might add!
"If they aren´t, I´d be shocked!" he whispered back to her. "Don´t you sometimes wish, that could be you and everything would be as plain and simple, as it is for them?"
"If you play your cards right, it could be!" she replied to him flirtingly.
It made his face turn a little red, not that Jen minded. If anything, it only made her that much more resolved, when it came to what she had to try out later.
Before this evening, almost all of Andie´s experiences with school dances had been as something, that everyone got obnoxiously far too hyped up about for a few weeks, and then when the big evening finally came, it never lived up to their expectations. Pre-Pacey, her highlights (if you could call it that) was her first ever date, with a boy that had to go home after less than an hour, because he started feeling sick (which turned out to be an innocent allergic reaction to an ingredient in the punch, but at the time, she´d just hoped, wasn´t thanks to herself making him feel sick!) and through her family extension, seeing Jack and Kate have their first kiss and knowing, that her brother had found someone worth keeping.
This evening had already put every other dance that she´d been to, to shame within the first half an hour and in some strange way, not having any romantic pressure in regard to her date, also meant that she was likely far more relaxed, than she would have been, had she been too focused on trying to impress him, to simply feel free to enjoy herself. As one dance took over for the next, some slow and some fast, it felt like time was flying by in an instant and all of the cares and troubles, that usually were there like a cancerous tumor, in the back of her mind, felt like they were happening to someone else. Seeing her brother looking so carefree and smiling with Jen was another reason of course, and for perhaps the first time, since they´d moved to their mom´s hometown, she really felt like they belonged at this school, and with their friends, whom only a few months earlier had been complete strangers, that they´d never met yet.
Before she knew it, it was time for the last dance of the evening, and in spite of the annoyed groans coming from the attendees, that was how the festivities would come to an end. After they´d gotten their coats, herself and most of her friends met up outside (minus Dawson and Mary-Beth, who must have left earlier), and soon after, they all began to split up, with Abby and Melissa (who conveniently lived less than a quarter of a mile away from one another) heading down to the Ice House, to call for a taxi from there and Pacey going with them, seeing as he´d used good tactical sense in leaving his bike down there, earlier that day. He gave her a nice hug, before wishing her goodnight and although, it wasn´t entirely what she´d been hoping for, when the day had begun, she also knew that not having ended the day as "The Other Girl", was in all likelihood much better for the sake of both her conscience and overall mental well-being, than the alternative was. Herself and Jack had agreed for their mom to pick them up by the school, but he´d decided with Jen instead, that he would walk her the mile or so home and take the short cut through the woods back to their own house, once his date was safely back at her kind, old grandmother´s house.
Sitting there in the front seat of her mom´s car, as they drove the short distance home, it wasn´t difficult for her to imagine though, what her brother and Jen were actually planning on doing!
"The correct timing is the key to his heart! The correct timing is the key to his heart!" Jen kept telling herself like a mantra, as she walked hand in hand with Jack through the streets of Capeside.
If she completely and totally bundled it, who was to say if she´d get a chance like this again? Eventually though and seeing as they were getting very close to reaching her grandmother´s house, it became time for her to try her luck, when it came to this hot and well-mannered, young man, who was gallantly holding her hand and had been nothing, except for the perfect date all evening long.
"Can we stop walking for a minute? These shoes weren´t made for long walking trips and my feet were already sore, when we started our walk home?" she pleadingly asked Jack, seeing as they were coming up to a bus stop, that also happened to have a bench attached to it, as it´s only "Luxury Feature".
"It´s understandable. My sore lumps could use a rest too" he understandingly answered.
As they sat down, she made sure to press herself up against him, as far as she could. It made him a bit jumpy and at first, also shake a tiny bit, but the crux of the matter, was that it didn´t make him move away.
"Jack, can I ask you something?" she cautiously asked him, as her heart slowly began to race faster.
"Sure, anything!" he nervously answered her, before they looked one another deeply into the eyes.
"How do I say this, without it coming out wrong? I ... like you, okay?" she told him and almost instantly, felt like such a geek for how she´d said it.
"I like you too, Jen. Didn´t you have a blast tonight? I know, I did!" he smilingly answered, making her smile to herself as well.
"I did and that´s why ... I´d sort of, and only if you´re okay with it of course, like for us to be more, than what we are now? Do you get what I, in what I´m very aware of is a total word salad way, am trying to ask you?" she very nervously got out.
He took a few seconds to think his answer over. Seconds, that felt like they lasted an hour each. In the end, he gave her the only answer, that she´d wanted to hear all evening and he didn´t need to use words to do it.
Inside of Jen´s brain, there was only one word being played over and over again, as their lips pressed together, and what had been a fantasy of hers for over two months by then, finally came true.
What she didn´t know, was that the exact opposite word was playing on repeat, inside the brain of the boy, she was making out with.
Sent: March 16th, 1999
From: JenRocks
To: AGirlNamedJoey
Subject: The dance.
... so now, I guess, I can finally say, that I´m not single anymore! I know, it´s nothing short of a miracle for the ages, but it´s actually happened! After that first kiss, we took several smaller kissing breaks on the rest of the walk back to Grams´ house, which in turn made me so late, that she was about to call the police to go out and look for me, when we finally got there!
I don´t care though, because I have a boyfriend and he´s the best boyfriend in the entire world! We hung out all afternoon yesterday too, where he took me to a mini-golf course. I allowed him win, as they say you should, or you´ll wound some hidden manly ego inside of your date (just kidding! My head wasn´t in the game at all and I played so bad, that I saw little kids laughing their butts off, at how much I sucked!), and afterwards, we went for burgers over at your family´s restaurant. To cap the day off, we rented "Harold and Maude" (the most romantic movie, I´ve ever seen) from Screen Time and snuggled up real close on my bed, while we watched it on the small TV in my room, before he had to get home in time for dinner. In short, it was just another perfect day in my already perfect life!
Seriously, Joey, this is all so perfect, that it almost doesn´t feel like it could be true and happening for me, the girl that´s almost never had any kind of positive experiences, when it comes to love! It´s all still so new, that I haven´t entirely wrapped my head around it yet. What I will say so far however, is that Jack McPhee is definitely a strong candidate for the title of "Boy of My Dreams", and if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would probably say yes to him in a heartbeat! He´s that much of a dreamboat! In my eyes, anyway!
I´ll be sure to keep you posted on any and all developments, as they transpire. In the meantime, take care and don´t wait too long to write me back, okay?
Love, Jen.
PS: The one negative experience, I had at the dance and forgot to mention, was that I had a one-on-one conversation with Hannah Von Wenning in the ladies room! Talk about a complete and utter bitch of the highest caliber! I seriously can´t tell you, if I´ve ever met anyone in my entire life, who´s worse than she is, or are even playing the same sort of sick and twisted game, as she is! You know that Chris has never been my favorite guy in the world by a long shot, but even he deserves better, than to be played for a total fool by the likes of her!
Sent: March 17th, 1999
From: AGirlNamedJoey
To: JenRocks
Subject: Congrats!
Hi, Jen. It´s fantastic to hear some great news on the romantic front, coming from you! I for one, always had faith that it wouldn´t take all that long, until some hot and date-worthy guy saw you for the amazing girl, that both I and all of your other friends, think you are. Maybe this summer, the four of us could on a couple´s camping trip, so I can get to really know your boyfriend, what do you think?
That Hannah is a horrible bitch isn´t news to me, sorry! Some blood-thirsty leopards, even if they try their best to hide it, don´t ever change their spots and that´s just how it is!
We´ll speak again soon!
Joey
END OF CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE