Muggle Studies
As always after the nightly Astronomy lesson, Lavender was grateful to be able to sleep in on Thursday. Half asleep, she caught Hermione and Parvati leaving the room and snuggled comfortably under her blanket. Lavender loved these cosy mornings in bed. That was when one had the most vivid dreams …
Slowly, she dozed off again, and almost immediately, the wide, yellow cornfields in the south of Hogwarts appeared in her mind's eye, she was standing in the middle of them; Lavender could smell the scent of the ripe grain and felt the firm ears of corn under her fingers. And suddenly she saw Severus. He was on his way into the Forbidden Forest, but when he caught sight of her, he stopped. Then he came slowly towards her; the wind played with his hair and made his robes blow.
Finally, Severus stood close before her. He looked at her with a serious expresson before reaching out and gently stroking her hair out of her face. This small touch was so intense that Lavender seemed to feel it all over her body. "Lavender," Severus said softly. "You should have told me right away … then none of this would have been necessary at all. Didn't you realise how I feel about you?"
His hand moved to the nape of her neck, where it remained feather-light as he slowly leaned down to her. A vague arousal seized Lavender, she felt hot and cold. In a moment, he would kiss her. Now …
At that moment, some pushy little bird began to jubilate at the top of its lungs just outside the open window, and Lavender was driven inexorably to the surface of her dream world. "Oh, gosh," she muttered, "always when it's at its best …"
Determined, she conjured up the last image of her dream, tried to imagine his face close to hers … but it was no use. Lavender was awake. And when her sleepy gaze fell on the alarm clock, she shot bolt upright. Oh God! Herbology starts in ten minutes! That of all things …
Ever since Lavender had almost killed her mandrake baby, Sprout was not at all well disposed towards her. And there were already enough difficulties in the other subjects …
At lightning speed, Lavender jumped into the shower, where she promptly slipped, then ran the toothbrush around in her mouth three times and painfully tugged the brush through her thick hair. Then she slipped into her clothes, crash-landing again, grabbed her bag and ran.
But not before cleaning the bathroom by making an awkward flick with her wand without looking and shouting "Scourgify!" She had really taken Hermione's telling off about the hair to heart.
The rest of the day followed a similar pattern. In Herbology, she broke two of her long fingernails off while potting, and at lunch she knocked over the carafe of mulberry juice, the contents of which, of course, spilled onto the lap of none other than Hermione. "Well, that's all I needed today. Scourgify," she groaned in annoyance and exchanged rolling glances with Ginny.
"Don't go making such a fuss," Ron muttered, sitting next to Lavender and having the audacity to play with her fingers under the table, while she thought, as she had all morning, of her dream about Severus.
"One could think he was trying to make Hermione jealous," Parvati speculated as they climbed the stairs to the Gryffindor rooms together.
"Oh, and that he could really want something from me is probably an impossibility, huh?" snarled Lavender.
"Is that what you want?" asked Parvati. "You don't mean it yourself. Then why should it necessarily break his heart?"
Because I'm a poor little soul who needs it! Lavender ironically finished Parvati's thought. And what's Ron then, pray tell?
When the two entered their dormitory, they were met by a raging Hermione. "It could only have been you, Lavender!" she cried, her face contorted in disgust.
Lavender was flabbergasted. "What have I done now?"
Wordlessly, Hermione grabbed her arm and dragged her rudely in front of the bathroom door. "That!" she shrieked, pointing into the bathroom.
Lavender recoiled, startled. The shower had turned into a sheer jungle of curling, ominously dark bushes, and the formerly red sink had become covered in a thick, whitish layer. When she looked more closely, she realised that this frightening stuff was still growing; with a soft slurping sound, the loops wound their way up from the shower and slowly crept up the walls.
"What is that?" she asked in a trembling voice, her face turning slightly green.
"Really a great birthday surprise!" shouted Hermione, her head flushed. "Lavender, I didn't think you were that disgusting, honestly!"
"Y-your birthday?" asked Parvati awkwardly, turning bright red.
"Yes, imagine, like every year on the nineteenth of September! And this year it's even a very special birthday because I'm of age now!"
"Er, congratulations," Parvati stammered and took a step towards Hermione, who immediately backed away. "Save it, will you?" Hermione wiped away a tear of anger. "And don't worry, you're in good company! Apart from Ginny, really no one thought of it!"
"Harry and Ron didn't either?"
Hermione snorted contemptuously. "Ron's brain has completely sunk one floor below, there's no need to expect anything anymore!" She didn't look at Lavender, who was still staring open-mouthed at the dense brushwood in the tub and preferred to remain quiet right away.
"But why didn't you say anything?" asked Parvati perplexed. "I also announce my birthday every year, what's the big deal?"
Hermione pressed her lips together. "So far, someone has remembered every year. And I don't forget anyone either! And what's the thanks for that?" Again she waved her hand into the bathroom, but refused to even set foot over the threshold.
"And what makes you think it was me?" asked Lavender now in a hoarse voice. "Because I think I'm really the only one who can't conjure something like that." Then she paused and scratched her head. "At least not on purpose …"
She turned away because an involuntary fit of laughter overwhelmed her. One look at Parvati and, of course: she was already holding her hand over her mouth as a precaution.
"What now? You mean you're still too stupid to use the Scouring Charm?" asked Hermione lurkingly. A strangled sound came from behind Parvati's hand, and Lavender began to giggle helplessly. "Looks like it. This has nothing to do with you at all, Hermione. I really just wanted to clean my hair out of the shower and the toothpaste out of the sink, just as you wish!"
"Great!" hissed Hermione. "You've succeeded in that. That was a straight Troll, Lavender Brown!" With that, she packed her bag and headed out of the room.
"We can celebrate later, can't we," Parvati called after her in a strangely bleating voice; she was just trying in vain to suppress the fit of laughter that was shaking her.
"Thank you, I'll pass!" Hermione slammed the door behind her and immediately the girls burst into loud laughter.
"Jeez, this is so embarrassing," Parvati sighed, wiping a tear of laughter from her cheek. "Why didn't you think of that, Lavender? I thought you had all the birthdays in your head!"
"So I do," Lavender said, grinning wryly. "But that still doesn't tell me what's the date today …"
"Well, now we know," Parvati said, finally becoming serious. "Poor Hermione. Now it's clear why she was so weird last night. Not even Harry and Ron thought of it. Ron … okay. But Harry?"
"Well, I guess it just wasn't important enough to them," Lavender remarked with a shrug. "By the way, can you remove the mess in there now, please? Otherwise, I'm gonna puke! And I really need to file my nails!"
The afternoon was not much better. Lavender received a Troll from Professor Ashley for not being able to reproduce the text she had just read in her own words. Her brain had shut down as usual, plus she couldn't get that dream out of her head.
Her dreams were often about such desired situations, but today's had been so intense … is that supposed to mean something to me?, she mused.
"You should have told me right away," she heard his dream voice again, and goose bumps covered her upper arms. She firmly believed that every dream had a meaning, they had even covered this topic two years ago with Professor Trelawney, but she was often unsure how to interpret what she had dreamt.
I can't really go and tell him, can I? Lavender thought. Because he probably thinks I suck anyway, as he demonstrated again yesterday in all clarity! And how does the cornfield fit in anyway …?
The girl had completely drifted off again in her usual manner, and while she stared absent-mindedly out of the window and wrapped strands of hair around her fingers, the events of yesterday's meeting at Dumbledore's now passed her by. First, the long eye contact with Severus that had made her blood surge. He was probably just messing with me, Lavender thought, and as so often since her detention on the second day of school, the question arose as to how much Severus actually suspected of her feelings.
At least he can't like me … the way he behaved then! Her heart ached as she thought of his cold stares and nasty comments; of how he tried with all his might to run her down to Dumbledore and McGonagall and even alluded to her undesirable course attendance.
But the fact that he gets so upset about us, especially about me—maybe we're not that unimportant to him after all …
Lost in thought, she twirled her quill, with which she had not yet written down a single word this hour, between her fingers. She remembered his worried manner on the Quidditch pitch, which had been in stark contrast to his behaviour yesterday. Would he have held me like that if he couldn't stand me? she thought, wincing pleasantly. No! He must like me!
With a slight smile, she leaned back in her chair. At least, I have my peace tonight. I really have to write in my diary …
The girls firmly expected that the date for the DA meeting would be postponed so that Hermione's birthday could be celebrated properly. So their surprise was all the greater when Harry reminded them at dinner, "Eight o'clock in the Room of Requirement? Will you let your twin know?"
Parvati nodded and then asked, "But what about Hermione?" She had not turned up for dinner, and Ginny was also absent.
"Celebrate with his sister," he said curtly and nodded over to Ron, who was chewing with his cheeks full and otherwise gazing silently into the round. The mood at the table was rather subdued, everyone was embarrassed to have forgotten their friend's birthday.
So they arrived punctually in the Room of Requirement, but even there, the mood did not seem to be right. To warm up, Harry practised the Disarming Charm, the disarming of an opponent from his wand. But after Parvati had been able to excite him to some extent with her responsiveness, he was all the more resigned to realise that Lavender had a lot of catching up to do. "Lavender, you're waving your wand too much!" he finally said. "You must point it directly at the other's, like this—" He made a purposeful motion, "without dislocating half your arm in the process …"
"I'll never learn," Lavender sighed as Harry busied himself with Dean and Seamus a little later.
"Yes, you will, you just need practice," Parvati contradicted her. "Besides, they're not doing any better over there! And Padma didn't come at all …"
I could have told you so right away, Lavender thought, but wisely kept her mouth shut.
An hour later they decided to adjourn the meeting and started the walk back. "Don't worry about it," Ron said, gently grabbing Lavender's elbow. "You can do magic, you just need to concentrate better! It's not always easy for me either!"
Lavender nodded gratefully and watched Harry and Parvati walking a little ahead of them and talking. Does Ron know how Harry feels about Parvati? she wondered and could only just restrain herself from asking. She would rather discuss it with her friend first.
"Well?" she asked curiously as the girls settled into their favourite spot in front of the fireplace in the common room. "Did you have a good chat?"
"We were talking about you," Parvati said seriously. "About Ron and you!"
Lavender gasped. "Did I give you permission?"
"Harry started. Lavender, Ron doesn't want anything from you!"
"Excuse me?" Lavender felt her knees buckle in disappointment. Yet she didn't want anything herself! "What's all the fuss about then? Because of Hermione after all?"
Parvati nodded. "He wants to make her jealous, Harry says. He's just playing with you. Nasty, isn't it?"
Lavender shrugged. "And Harry just tells you this?"
"He thinks you should know! He's not exactly delighted by it either!"
"Well, I thought something like that," Lavender murmured, staring grimly into the fire. So he's just playing with me, she thought. To annoy Hermione! Well, I'm curious to see how far he'll go to do that! At least he can have his lesson!
The next day turned out to be wet and windy. After wading for two hours under Hagrid's supervision through sometimes knee-deep puddles and trying unsuccessfully to communicate with bad-tempered hippogriffs, Lavender, Parvati and their classmates spent almost the entire first hour of Charms removing the mud from their trouser legs and then drying them with their wands. Much to Professor Flitwick's displeasure, because no one was paying proper attention, and the hairdryer noises were constantly going on and off under the tables. And despite all the effort, almost everyone had stiff fingers and blue-frozen lips by the end of the lesson.
"Lucky you, you're off now!" said Lavender enviously as she had immediately took a hot bath with Parvati after lunch.
"And you have Muggle Studies," Parvati returned, blowing a large flake of foam in her friend's face. "With Ronnibabe!"
"So what?" asked Lavender with an innocent look in her eyes. "He's perfectly right there! Because we have the topic of 'contraception' today! Will you dry my hair in a minute?"
Twenty minutes later, Lavender sat next to Ron in Muggle Studies, her hair falling airily down her back, giving off the subtle scent of a summer meadow in bloom.
Professor Crown wandered through the rows handing out bananas and courgettes to his students. "What's that supposed to be?" wondered Ron. "We just had lunch!"
"You're not supposed to eat your vegetables, but use them as exercise material," Professor Crown replied with a mischievous grin.
"I see," muttered Ron, twisting and turning his courgette uncomprehendingly.
"Today, as announced last time, we are going to talk about Muggle contraception," the teacher now opened the lesson. "At the end, we will contrast them with the magical methods of contraception and see that the Muggles have one thing ahead of us—any of you know what I mean?"
No one raised a hand, instead many, including Ron, stared at their tables in embarrassment. Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini in the back row snickered around stupidly. Lavender gave them an annoyed look; she had often wondered what the arrogant Slytherins were doing in this class. True, they were purebloods, but they looked down on anything even remotely Muggle. "Probably their fathers demand that they learn about the Muggle world," Parvati had once remarked.
"Well, in the Muggle world, condoms are widely used; at least they should be," Professor Crown continued. "It is the only effective method of protecting oneself from dangerous sexually transmitted diseases, which increasingly do not stop at the magical world. That is why we will deal with this important method of contraception first!"
He handed a basket over to Susan Bones, who was sitting right in front of his desk, saying, "Miss Bones, would you be good enough to hand this out?"
Ron hardly dared to lift his eyes when Susan placed a small package on the table in front of him and Lavender each. Lavender, on the other hand, picked hers up and turned it back and forth in her hand with interest, trying in vain to make a connection with her banana.
"Then I'll shed some light on it now," Professor Crown finally said with a smile. "Pay close attention." He carefully tore open the package at the designated spot and pulled out a ring-shaped thing. "This is a condom," he explained to his astonished students, "also called a sheath. It is pulled over the penis before sexual intercourse!" He demonstratively held up a banana and the whole class began to giggle. Amused, Lavender noticed that Ron's ears had turned a light shade of pink.
"It doesn't matter whether the man does it himself or his partner," Professor Crown continued. "However, long fingernails and other sharp objects should be avoided. A condom can break easily! Now, if you will all please come forward … Mister Malfoy and Mister Zabini, that includes you, too!"
He waited until his students had gathered around him, then he pressed the banana into the hand of the stunned Ron, who was standing next to him. And as he slowly slipped the condom over the banana under the incredulous stares of his students, he explained: "You need both hands: with one you hold the reservoir pressed together so that no air remains in it, while with the other you begin to unroll the condom. Like this …"
Ron eyed his teacher's actions with a face as if he were trying to defuse a bomb; indeed, he held the banana as far away from him as he could, as if it might explode at any moment, until Professor Crown had finally completed his work.
After a detailed explanation of how to remove the condom after the deed was done and what to look out for, Professor Crown cheerfully announced, "Does anyone else have any questions? Then you can now practice in pairs!"
"Hey, Brown, how about you and me," Draco murmured as he pushed past Lavender in the crowd that had now formed, not without brushing her on the shoulder.
"Er—," Lavender made perplexedly, but Draco had already moved on and almost died laughing together with Blaise. He never gets enough, she thought annoyed. The day before yesterday, he was anything but great, but now … "And what do you dream about at night?" she called after him, after she had finally composed herself, but Draco didn't turn around to look at her; however, half of the other students did, who were already sitting in their places and more or less eagerly devoting themselves to their new task.
"So?" Lavender said perkily as she, too, settled down at her table next to Ron, holding her banana up challengingly. "Are you going to start?"
"Whatever …" Ron awkwardly picked the condom out of its package and carefully placed it on the banana Lavender held under his nose without looking at her. His face had turned dark pink by now, which clashed with his carrot-red hair in the most violent way.
With his thumb and forefinger, Ron pressed the protruding reservoir together, but when he tried to roll the thing over the banana, it didn't work. "I think mine's broken somehow," Ron muttered.
"Broken?" chortled Lavender. "I'd say you put it on the wrong way, you dork!"
"Oh," made Ron, rubbing his nose. Then he turned the condom without further ado and unrolled it expertly.
"And the reservoir?" asked Lavender in a drawling voice. "Is that maybe full of air now? Why does it have to go out there anyway?" she wondered immediately afterwards. "Did Crown explain that earlier?"
"I don't know, ask him!" growled Ron. "Now it's your turn!" He slammed his elbow on the table and now Lavender had his courgette in front of her nose.
"Okay …" Lavender thought of everything Professor Crown had explained to them, only her long fingernails kept getting in the way. When she noticed how sceptically Ron looked at her hands, they promptly began to tremble. "Now don't look like that!" she finally hissed at him. "I think you know how it works now yourself!"
"And you with your killer claws?" asked Ron back. "Why don't you do the water test actually?"
"Why don't you do the water test," Lavender muttered annoyed to herself, but when she did it afterwards, it was indeed dripping from three different places. "Oops," she made meekly. "I'd say we make the perfect team, Ron Weasley!"
"Well, I guess we both need a bit more practice, Lavender Brown," Ron murmured, looking at her with narrowed eyes for the first time during their task.
Lavender stared back in surprise. "Practice?" she asked then drawling and cocked her head. "You mean we just pinch some of those things and the bananas and crawl in a quiet corner with them?"
"Tonight at eight? Room of Requirement?" asked Ron in a strangely pressed voice.
Well, look at him, Lavender thought, now he wants to get on with it! Her heart began to beat faster and her head began to work. Can I do this? Hermione will kill me and the rest will run their mouths. Which they are already doing, she corrected herself. And Ron's only playing with me anyway, so he doesn't deserve any better!
"All right," Lavender replied nonchalantly, "eight o'clock tonight!" You bloody asshole! she thought to herself. If you think you can get me laid and then just put me in the corner, it's not gonna happen! I'm just going to practise with you a bit—for the real thing …
She could hardly wait for the lesson to end, as overexcited as she suddenly was. Professor Crown was still doing some theory, but sitting quietly was now an impossibility; so Lavender started fooling around. With a teasing glance, she turned to Draco and Blaise, slowly peeled her banana and lasciviously sank her teeth into it under the incredulous gaze of both Slytherins.
"Ouch," Draco made with raised eyebrows, and Lavender quickly turned back to the front.
After she had managed to discreetly eat the whole banana, she let off the only question that was ever asked in this lesson because she just couldn't keep quiet: "Professor Crown, why do we have to push the air out of the reservoir again?"
"A very good question, Miss Brown. You can't repeat it often enough: Otherwise the condom can burst during ejaculation," was the direct answer, and a suppressed chuckle could be heard from all rows.
"See, Ron? I told you so," Lavender turned to her bench neighbour in a feignedly harmless voice. The other students were almost cracking up with laughter—their nerves were completely strained after all the exercises, some of them already had tears of laughter running down their faces. Ron, on the other hand, sat motionless in his seat and turned so dark red with embarrassment that his freckles stood out brightly against it.
"You want what?" asked Parvati in horror as Lavender informed her of her plan. "Tell me, are you out of your mind?"
Lavender shrugged. "Who said I was going all the way with him straight away? What do you take me for?"
"Yeah, but … what do you want with him anyway?" asked Parvati uncomprehendingly.
"Snogging … and stuff," Lavender replied a little sheepishly.
"To practise! Did I understand that correctly?"
"Jeez … I've never …", Lavender muttered. "This would be a great opportunity to try it out, right?"
"By the way, this is also called last-minute panic!"
"Oh, nonsense! I'm just curious. And besides … do you think I want to embarrass myself then, when it really matters to me?"
"You mean with Snape?" asked Parvati lurkingly, and Lavender winced as she detected the coldness in her voice.
"And you think that just because Ron supposedly doesn't want anything from you, you can just use him like that?", Parvati continued to probe, and Lavender suddenly felt quite uncomfortable under her friend's gaze. I shouldn't have told her, she thought in frustration. What's the point of having a best friend if you can't talk to her about such things?
"He just wants to use me, too!" she returned snottily. "Besides, it was his idea!" Furious, she jumped up and disappeared into the bathroom.
"You're completely insane!" shouted Parvati after her.
Shall I stop it? Lavender pondered as she stood in front of the mirror and stared into her bright eyes.
But the very next moment, defiance and curiosity won out. From the beginning, everyone has only assumed the worst of me; Ron is not serious either—so why should I miss out on the fun?
And grinning from ear to ear, Lavender reached for eyeliner and kohl to put the finishing touches to her makeup.