Aftermath
Parvati did not find any sleep the whole night. When her alarm clock rang at half past seven, she was still lying in bed with her eyes wide open. Even trying to get up was a disaster—Parvati could hardly move because of the pain, and that despite the potion Snape had given her.
In a daze, she staggered into the bathroom and pulled off her nightgown with medium effort. "Oh—my—God!" she whispered when she saw herself in the mirror a moment later. Parvati's slender body was covered in huge dark blue bruises, everywhere Draco's boots had hit her during the night. Her throat was adorned with red marks like a bizarre necklace, and only then did she remember how the Slytherin had strangled her half to death.
"My God," she murmured again, and a faint whiff of the horror of the last few hours wafted at her. So it wasn't a dream after all.
Parvati heaved herself into the shower and drew the curtain behind her not a second too soon, because now Lavender stormed into the bathroom and unleashed a tirade on her friend. "You're such an old sleepyhead, Patil!" grumbled Lavender. "Are you really too stupid to set your alarm clock? If you knew what you missed, it was really beautiful! And everyone was there except you!"
Parvati let the water run over her head with her eyes closed, and Lavender's words were lost in a loud murmur—a murmur that Parvati wished could wash away everything she had experienced in the last six hours, and which had been running incessantly through her mind ever since—the terrible broom flight, the cruel screams in the forest, Draco …
Oh, I hope he is ill!, thought Parvati. Today, of all days, they had all the subjects together with the Slytherins. I can't face him now!
"Sorry, what did you just say?" she asked as she turned the water off for a moment.
"I asked you when you got a crush on Harry!" she heard Hermione's voice, and Parvati stuck her head out from behind the curtain in shock. "Excuse me?"
"So?" Hermione was standing in front of the shower, still in her pyjamas, grinning all over her face, and somehow bore quite a resemblance to Crookshanks with his rat tail still hanging out of his mouth.
Lavender stood in front of the mirror like covered in blood, toothbrush with light blue toothpaste in hand, and looked at Parvati begging for an apology.
"Did I miss anything?" asked Parvati lurkingly. Absentmindedly, she reached for her shampoo and soaped her hair with one hand while still holding the shower curtain in front of her battered body with the other.
"Weren't you listening?" asked Hermione, her grin widening a little more. "When I came in just now, Lavender was deeply regretting that you couldn't join Harry in watching this romantic lunar eclipse!" By the last part of the sentence, her voice had taken on a high girlish tone, probably meant to imitate Lavender's rapturous tone.
Lavender grimaced behind her back and Parvati slapped her hand across her forehead. "And then, of course, you combined precisely …" she began wryly.
"That you want something from Harry!" Hermione sang. "Well? Since when?"
"Hermione!" said Parvati threateningly. "If you dare to start any rumours here—"
I can't stand it! she groaned inwardly. Help!
"I don't need to," Hermione said with relish. "Harry already knows anyway!"
Parvati dropped her shampoo bottle. "What does he know! And who's talking shit like that around here!" An angry glance met Lavender. Did she not keep her mouth shut after all?
"Ron," Hermione said, as if in confirmation, and then immediately fluted, "But maybe it really is a misunderstanding … you'd better clear that up with Harry quickly then!" She grabbed her scrunchie from the mirror shelf and walked out of the bathroom whistling, and Parvati realised that it was the first time since the holidays that she had seen Hermione in a good mood.
"Oh God, Parvati—I'm sorry," Lavender said, her eyes wide. "I didn't even hear her come in. And Ron—he told me to my face the other day! I simply had to grin …"
"I'm glad at least you had a good time!" snarled Parvati, tugging the curtain back between herself and her friend. The next moment she let the warm shower sprinkle her again and wished she could stay under it all day. Man, this is embarrassing!, she thought, but a small part of her was almost happy. Wasn't it much better to be upset about this schoolchild stuff than about Voldemort?
And there was even more of it at breakfast. When the girls had settled down at the Gryffindor table—after Parvati had convinced herself of Severus's absence with a beating heart—they were immediately stormed by Harry: "Have you heard it yet? Someone's been in our dormitory and stolen my Invisibility Cloak!"
Parvati poured the pumpkin juice over her left hand instead of into the glass. For God's sake!" it flashed through her. I forgot the Invisibility Cloak at Severus's!
"I don't believe it!" exclaimed Lavender beside her.
"Probably when we were all at the observatory," Ron guessed.
"Or at the DA meeting," Seamus added.
"Who would do such a thing?" it came from Ginny, and a piercing look met Parvati's eyes, who immediately flamed back, "Why you're looking at me!" At that, she tried not to let the shock show. How did he notice it already? I would never have managed to bring it back so quickly, even if I still had it …
"You left the DA meeting early. And you weren't there for the lunar eclipse either," Ginny returned unblinking.
"Now give me a break!", Lavender snapped at her. "Parvati was asleep the whole time, okay?! And you didn't stay till the end either!"
A wild chattering arose so that no one heard Hermione whisper to Parvati in a suggestive voice: "So, where did you sleep? At least, you were not in your bed when I came back!
Parvati turned bright red. How stupid am I? I didn't even think that Hermione could notice …
"Would you pass the bread, please?" she mumbled to Hermione instead of an answer and immediately cast an inconspicuous glance at the teacher's desk—it must have been her tenth already. And as she had expected, Severus's seat between the headmaster and Professor Sprout was still empty.
The weather had completely changed in the early hours of the morning and it was pouring—as befitted a Friday morning when they had to tramp around a now completely muddy meadow and bow to soaking wet hippogriffs. Draco wasn't there—Lavender breathed a sigh of relief, but no one could hear the mountain falling from Parvati's heart. Oh, thank God … he must be in total shock. I wonder if Severus used the Obliviate on him. I'm sure there would be much more for him to forget than for me …
The image of Severus pointing his wand at her came back to her and she heard his voice, just more of a murmur, "I'm sorry, Parvati." Goosebumps covered the back of her neck. He called me Parvati … several times even—but only because he thought I wouldn't remember it the next day …
"Maybe you should talk to Harry soon," Lavender murmured beside her, and Parvati winced. Ah yes, Harry. He was standing with Ron a little way away from them, about to bow to the largest hippogriff the meadow had to show for it. The hippogriff stared at him contemptuously for a moment and then, bad-tempered, began to maltreat a birch tree with its huge beak.
"Well, he could talk to me," Parvati said slowly. "Couldn't he?"
"Parvati!" Lavender pulled her friend insistently by the sleeve. "What are you waiting for? Until someone snatches him away from you? Think of Ginny!"
"He probably wants something from her anyway, and not from me! Because I think if he did, he'd open his mouth after all!" As if to emphasise the point, Parvati opened her own mouth into a loud yawn. It was beginning to show that she had not slept a wink during the night.
"Then probably even less," Lavender objected, yawning as well. "Maybe he's just playing with Ginny to make you jealous—like Ron did with me …"
"All right! With his best friend's sister, of all people!" Parvati retorted brusquely. "Besides—Harry is not like that …"
"But surely you remember how stupid he was with Cho last year!" Lavender simply brushed aside Parvati's objection.
"Oh, do I?" asked Parvati mockingly.
"Well … I know from Ron," Lavender grinned.
Another gossip, Parvati thought, almost amused. At that moment, Harry looked in her direction and she nodded at him automatically, stifling another yawn. Harry returned the gesture as if nothing had happened.
"You see? He doesn't want anything," she said with conviction. "That didn't look very uptight now!"
"What if he does?" insisted Lavender. "Then it would be mean to keep him dangling, wouldn't it?"
It would—indeed! Because I don't want anything from him …
Parvati felt a gnawing in her stomach. Should I perhaps talk to him after all? And I really need to bring back the cloak—
"Don't you think Hermione could find out for you?" Lavender let herself be heard again.
"This is getting better and better!" moaned Parvati. "Listen, I don't really feel like it at all! Can you please spare me all this childish gossip stuff?" Again she yawned, and everything in her screamed for a proper cup of coffee.
"Well, if you say so … what are you so tired of, you old sleepyhead? If anyone's allowed to yawn around here, it's me!" Lavender turned away in a huff and looked closely at a small female hippogriff, before which she dropped an ungraceful and completely unheeded curtsy.
At that moment they heard a loud squeal from the right; a hippogriff had come menacingly close to Gregory Goyle, and the Slytherin backed away fearfully, sitting down with his fat bottom into the mud and sinking in with a rather naughty-sounding noise.
Lavender and Parvati looked at each other and burst into loud, dirty laughter. Only now did everyone really look in the direction of poor Goyle, who, with Crabbe's help, had just picked himself up in a daze and was completely soaked from the non-existent waist down. But finally it was Parvati whom everyone stared at with widened eyes.
Her violent fits of laughter were no big peculiarity, but never before had tears streamed down her face. And some of her almost hysterical shrieks really did sound like wild sobs.
So Parvati managed, with moderate success, to save herself through the morning by cultivating the mundane little problems of an almost seventeen year old and getting into it—trying not to think about what lurked behind.
Until lunch was over and Lavender was getting ready for Muggle Studies with a grumpy face. "Don't worry, Draco isn't even there today," Parvati reassured her as the horror slowly crept up on her like a large, dark animal. And I can guess who he's still with, she thought. Severus hadn't turned up for lunch either, which she was both relieved and dejected about. I wonder how he is.
"Not him," Lavender replied drawling. "But Ron, that old grump! See you later!"
Sighing, she went on her way, leaving Parvati alone on her bed. Alone with her homework, her diary under the mattress, her memories. And the horror.
Why did I run away? she asked herself, not for the first time, as she traced the pattern of her bed cover with her eyes. Severus was right. How am I supposed to go on living with memories like that? And I haven't even seen anything—now the horror really rose up inside her. Those terrible screams are quite enough! Will I ever be able to forget them?
You wanted to share in his life …, it whispered inside her. What did you think? That it would be a child's play?
Parvati swallowed hard and pulled her History of Magic book out of her bag. She hadn't had much time for homework in the past few days, and certainly enough material to distract herself for a whole weekend. But after only a few minutes, she lowered the quill and rolled onto her back. She stared blankly at the ceiling as she felt Draco's hands on her body again, heard his wild sobs, the Cruciatus curse—
No! Stop thinking about it! Parvati pressed her hands to her forehead and groaned, tormented. He was so right! How retarded can one actually be? And if he knew what a naïve fool I really am! Seeing what Severus sees—all right …
Parvati let out a dry laugh and sat up. I didn't even manage that... no, I run into Draco Malfoy's arms and I'm even too stupid to escape! Horror shook her. My God! He could have really messed me up or even killed me, one wrong kick would have been enough! Or an Avada Kedavra …
He probably hasn't mastered it yet, it occurred to her. Otherwise he would have been capable to do it in his rage … after all, he had no inhibitions about using the other spells … and if I had been too weak to ward off the Imperius curse, he really would have … she ruffled her hair. Oh, my God … it was so damn close!
She got up and began to pace restlessly around the room. How could I have dealt with with something like that? I can barely cope as it is! Oh, why did I run away from Severus … he would only have done me a favour!
Her thoughts wandered back to the strange conversation she had had with her teacher. A conversation, almost like among equals, in his flat; without his smooth façade, without any sarcasm … as I had always wished, Parvati thought bitterly. But do such circumstances have to happen first? And he wasn't serious anyway! He just wanted to shut me up and soften me up so that I would tell him all about his little Dracey. That's all he's interested in!
She reminded herself that Draco was his godson—Severus had known him since he was a little baby. And he remained his baby; understandable that he felt responsible for him, with this father … but still bitter. He just took advantage of me, manipulated me, regardless of the consequences …
She stopped in front of the window with her arms crossed and stared darkly out into the rain, which fell in thick veils over the many roofs and battlements of Hogwarts. She had been far too busy all morning distracting herself from the images in her head to think more carefully about the conversation with Severus. But the more she reviewed it now, the more she realised how much this man had played with her—how consciously he knew how to use his voice and hands, his emotions, to get all the information he needed …
Parvati's chest tightened and her hand grew hot at the place where, a few hours ago, he had held her fingers, as gently as if they were butterfly wings; the memory of how his thumb had rested feather-light on the knuckle of her middle finger constricted her throat and she suddenly realised what a longing she had for him.
A thick lump formed in her throat and she pressed her lips together angrily. Why did he do that? He probably didn't care what he was causing with such actions! Well, if it had been up to him, I wouldn't have known about it anyway …
Parvati almost felt dizzy at the thought. That would be just cruel—although I certainly wouldn't feel that way in that case …
She shivered and decided to write down this hour with Severus in her diary as soon as she could. Later—when she was feeling better … after all, these were the most beautiful moments she had ever experienced, even if the previous events cast their terrible shadows over them. Even if it was all just a set-up by him.
But was it really? she asked herself immediately afterwards. All this really just for the one purpose? Was it really necessary to take my hand just because I got upset with Dumbledore for a moment? Or did he also do it perhaps … because he likes me?
This thought sent a hormonal surge through Parvati's veins, and, with weak knees, she lowered herself onto the low windowsill.
I mean … why did he go to all that trouble anyway?, she asked herself as she wiped her wet eyes with a corner of her cardigan. What was the point of him reassuring me and then willingly explaining everything to me? Is that what you do to someone you don't care about at all? A calming potion followed by veritaserum would have done the trick, and much more effectively.
She leaned her head against the cool pane and stared at the chestnut trees outside the window, their rain-washed leaves shining in the most beautiful autumn colours and moving faintly in the wind. Or maybe he just wanted to talk to someone? After all, he is only a human being who has to assimilate it somehow …
Otherwise he could have coaxed the whole truth out of me without having to reveal even the slightest bit. And then use the Obliviate—if he had been quick enough! But four glasses of firewhisky were probably a bit too much for the reactions …
She grinned faintly at the thought of his puzzled face when she had catapulted the wand out of his hand, and suddenly she was overcome with a hot desire to tell someone. Everything that had happened yesterday. Confiding in one's diary was all well and good—but Parvati knew how exhausting it could be, and this time she was dreading the long, painful process of torturing everything word for word on parchment. Being able to get it off her chest was much more liberating, she had already noticed with Severus.
But it wasn't enough … and who should I talk to about him? Besides, no one must know where I was last night - and what was there! And how I feel about Severus … who could I tell all that to?
Padma briefly crossed her mind, but the next moment Parvati dismissed the thought. She would lose her nerve and write to our parents! And they'd just manage to come and pick us up here … oh, no way! Over my dead body …
Sighing, Parvati went to her bedside table and took out the ointment Severus had given her yesterday. During the morning's stress, she had not managed to rub it over the bruises, and now she wanted to make up for it properly. In the bathroom, she slowly took off her clothes in front of the large mirror and, for the second time since the night, saw herself confronted in all clarity with the result of the blind rage of a Death Eater who, in his panic, had become indifferent to everything.
She opened the small jar and carefully began to spread the light green paste over her bruises, some of which were the size of a hand. As she did so, she wondered how exactly Severus had managed to check the condition of her body through her clothes. She had never heard of such a skill.
Just as slowly as she had undressed, she now covered her bruises again with her trousers, T-shirt and cardigan, at the very end she tied her scarf around her neck to cover the strangulation mark.
"Well? Any love bites to hide?" the drawling voice of Hermione suddenly sounded behind her. Parvati wheeled around so violently in shock that she swept all the vials, pots and brushes off the mirror shelf. "Jesus!" she barked at the prefect. "Do you have to sneak up on me like that?"
"Oh, sorry!" Hermione started giggling and at the sight of the mess on the floor Parvati had to laugh along.
"What does it smell like in here?", Hermione finally wanted to know with a wrinkled nose as she without any fuss tidied up with a wave of her wand. "Is that your new face cream? Maybe a bit too overpowering for a first date after all, eh? Or would you rather keep him off your back—I mean, your neck?" Grinning, she pointed again at Parvati's scarf.
Parvati rolled her eyes. Here we go again! To make matters worse, Hermione settled curiously on the toilet lid. "Is this really about Harry?" she whispered conspiratorially. "Or is it someone else after all? I mean, you were out last night— but not with him …"
What's that supposed to be?" thought Parvati suspiciously. Is she trying to find out if I have something to do with the cloak? "What makes you think I have anything going on with a bloke?" she asked gruffly and went on the offensive. "Why don't you focus on what's going on between you and Ron?"
Hermione's shoulders slumped, and immediately Parvati was sorry for having been so rude. "What can that be?" she asked despondently. "As long as he has to prove to me and the whole world how amazing he is … because now he's making his move on Mandy, your sister's friend! Yesterday in Defence Against the Dark Arts—he just sat down next to her, did you catch that? Even though Harry had to sit alone!"
Parvati grinned. "Very inconspicuous indeed. Typical Ron! But have you ever noticed that every time he does something, he makes sure that you are looking in his direction?" she tried to encourage her friend, grateful that she was so easily distracted.
"Really?" Hermione's spirits seemed to revive immediately and her cheeks turned slightly pink.
Parvati noticed how pretty the girl actually was when she didn't have her "study face" on all the time, as she called it for herself. For a few days now, she had been doing something with her long brown hair so that it no longer stuck out in all directions, but gently played around her face, which was still lightly tanned and showed a few freckles. Out of it, her intelligent greenish-brown eyes gazed with a wisdom that far surpassed her age.
Ron can't hold a candle to her, Parvati suddenly realised, and he knows it. That's why he's fooling around so pathetically.
She was just considering whether she should inform Hermione of this, when she rose from the toilet lid and stretched extensively. "Well, I have to go to the library … gonna meet Ginny there. But if you want to talk about Harry or any other blokes … anytime!" She smiled mischievously and left the bathroom.
Parvati looked half relieved, half regretful at the door through which Hermione had disappeared, once again alone with herself and her thoughts. Should I perhaps talk to her about the meeting …?, she thought briefly, but she immediately got that out of her head, too. Hermione's a prefect. And Harry's best friend! All hell will break loose here if she finds out!
She hurled herself back into her homework.
Only to stare dully at her bed cover again a quarter of an hour later and trace the pattern with her finger.
Parvati had never been so glad to see Lavender again when she finally returned from Muggle Studies and revealed to her that Ron had moved away from her and was now sitting next to Mandy Brocklehurst from Ravenclaw.
"So it's official!" cried Parvati, giggling. "He stops at no embarrassment!" And, as if at the push of a button, she started talking, talking about God and the world and laughing shrilly, even romping around the room—just to quell the horror in her soul.
"Hey, you must have the absolute coffee flash," Lavender remarked with amusement, but was immediately on board when Parvati wanted to organise a little party for the evening out of the blue.
This spontaneous plan failed, however, due to the tense relationships of various classmates. "Party?" drawled Hermione. "With Lavender and Ron? Well, have a nice time without me!"
"Party?" it came from Ron a few minutes later. "With Lavender? And Hermione's not coming anyway! But I'll tell you what—how about you just party with Harry alone?"
Great idea!, thought Parvati in frustration. You are all such boring bullheads! As for Harry, she preferred not to ask him at all, and so she spent, after all, the evening alone with Lavender and far too much butterbeer. Which, however, did nothing to dispel her memories, but merely made her maudlin and finally quite woozy. That Lavender eventually hoisted her into bed—without a Levitation Charm but with a lot of groans—she hardly noticed.
At three in the morning she suddenly sat bolt upright in bed, her droning head full of shrill cries, muffled sobs, and a harsh but somehow also rushed voice: "Wake up, Miss Patil! Come round! We have to get out of here! Parvati, wake up!"
Parvati shook her head to dispel these strange dream images, but suddenly realised that it was a memory that had come to the surface from the depths of her subconscious.
She suddenly remembered what it had felt like to be pulled out of that swoon by Severus, after he had quite obviously released her from the Cruciatus curse—hands shaking her roughly, and finally slapping her; then his pale moonlit face, with horror written all over it, close in front of her, and his breathless voice: "Parvati! Can you get up? Draco!" he commanded the whimpering bundle beside him. "Pull yourself together now! We must Disapparate at once before they find you!"
The whole forest was suddenly full of voices, slowly but surely getting closer … Draco, shaken by agonised sobs. Severus, pulling her up a little roughly by one arm and thrusting cloaks, wand and even her broom into her hand. "Have you got everything? We mustn't leave any traces! Draco, come on!"
He grabbed Draco hard by the upper arm and dragged him up. Draco let out a wailing sound and then only sobbed louder. He could hardly keep on his feet, nor could Parvati.
"We're Disapparating now!" announced Severus in a loud voice. "Hold on to me!"
Parvati obediently pushed her hand into the crook of his arm, but Draco simply continued to cry. Finally Severus grabbed his arm again, with his other hand he raised his wand, and the next moment, Parvati felt as if she were being pressed through a sieve. She, like Severus and Draco, dissolved into a cloud of tiny quarks and whizzed through a timeless and spaceless something, but that did not cloud her perception in the slightest.
This almost sucks as much as the Cruciatus, she could just think, then they had already reached their destination—Parvati still realised that they were at the edge of the Forbidden Forest before her senses dwindled again.
Parvati had hoped that the more hours she put between herself and that horrible night, the more it would all fade away, but the opposite seemed to be the case. After another night of horror and the rainy Saturday morning that followed, she was beginning to feel like she was going crazy.
At dawn, she had woken up again, tear-stained and completely hung-over, this time without the slightest chance of being able to continue sleeping, although she was still dead tired. The new memory was haunting her mind, joined within a very short time by the shrieking screams, Draco's cold hands on her body and Severus's face. Plus that one phrase over and over again, "I'm sorry, Parvati."
And while it was slowly getting light outside and more and more birds were singing their song, she lay paralysed in bed, staring at the wall and crying silently. She hated the way the minutes flowed past her viscously like syrup. She hated lying there so helpless, powerless to stop the same sequences replaying in her mind's eye. But she couldn't bring herself to get up before her friends woke up.
After she had managed to get rid of her hangover with almost a whole pot of coffee around noon and was able to think reasonably clearly again, Lavender had to go to Quidditch practice despite the pouring rain, and she was once again alone with herself, the memories, her mountain of homework and the pattern of her bedcover. Parvati briefly considered lying in a hot tub and then treating her bruises with Severus's ointment. But that would have required her to undress … to expose herself again to the sight of the marks that night had visibly left on her. Even if they were already fading …
In order not to go completely crazy, she finally sat down with Hermione in the common room and pored over her History of Magic essay for hours. But she could hardly get a word down on paper. Her eyes were almost shut from weariness no matter how much caffeine she poured down. But she wanted nothing less than to lie in bed, lonely and sleepless, and be confronted with the full range of horrible images—the real ones, and the ones that her imagination was painstakingly producing. Even in the cosy surroundings, close to the crackling fireplace, the cheerful murmur of the familiar Gryffindors in the background, everything still seemed horrible enough.
Incessantly, the Night of the Blood-red Moon passed through her thoughts; she heard the shrill screams of death, felt Draco's kicks, his panting breaths on her cheek … and every time she thought of him, a slight wave of nausea washed over her.
But that could also be due to all the coffee or her empty stomach—Parvati really couldn't swallow any more at the thought that the victims of that night would never eat or drink anything again. They could not even be buried by their relatives—at least that was Parvati's assumption. She had combed Hermione's Daily Prophet from front to back right after breakfast, but had found nothing—not the slightest note about bodies found … though not about missing people either.
Even on the first day, when the horror was still fresh, she had wondered how a person could live with such memories; but she had consoled herself that it would slowly subside—similar, perhaps, to the pain of separation that she and Padma had experienced in their first year at school …
But this was something different. Only now did she realise that time was not only there to heal wounds. No, each additional hour she lived through merely washed more, mostly unclear, fragments of memory to the surface of Parvati's consciousness, confusing her and adding new colours to the whole horror, distorting it strangely; each minute brought her to new, dreadful thoughts, made more and more cruel images arise in her mind.
And with every meal that Severus didn't show up for, her longing for him grew. She had almost forgotten that he had manipulated her to find out everything about Draco and that he didn't hesitate to shout at her afterwards. Instead, she imagined the most childish scenarios—like her stumbling right in front of his door, bruising her whole face, only to feel those fingers on her skin again. She wanted to be with him again, to see his sad eyes and how he hid his face from her … this time she would definitely take him in her arms!
But this opportunity will never come again, thought Parvati with her chest aching. Although I must go to him once more. If only to pick up Harry's cloak …
As always, when she thought of her theft, her cheeks grew hot and a sinking feeling spread through her. But if you go to him, he will do it, it whispered inside her. He will take away your memories … maybe even the beautiful ones! Parvati shuddered involuntarily. What am I going to do?
Although she hardly knew how she was supposed to survive another day in this state, the thought that she should have ended up risking her neck for nothing nearly drove her mad. She had flown to this meeting to learn more about Severus Snape's life—and had achieved her goal, albeit differently than she had thought. She had been closer to him than ever before. And now she was supposed to give that away again?
And when I meet Draco again … is he supposed to know everything, while I am completely clueless? At this completely new thought, ice-cold goose bumps ran over Parvati and she shook herself inwardly. No! No one can ask me to do that! And anyway—to let someone mess around in my head …
This prospect too seemed uninviting to Parvati. They had learnt in class only last year what damage the Obliviate could do if done improperly.
Severus doesn't mess around! she stopped herself immediately afterwards. Besides, I hardly think he's going to give me much of a choice! It's strange anyway that he hasn't summoned me to him already …
Does he expect me to come to him of my own accord?, it suddenly occurred to her. Is he sitting calmly in his flat, counting on me not being able to do it anyway? Living with memories that even he prefers to put in Dumbledore's Pensieve? That would be—
Parvati gritted her teeth angrily and the longing for her teacher was suppressed by the well-known resentment against him. Yes, that would fit … besides, he just kept Harry's cloak! If he was nice, he could have dropped it inconspicuously near the Gryffindor portrait at night … but since when is Severus Snape nice? He's happy to have someone in his hands!
But not with me! Parvati stretched involuntarily and smoothed out the sparsely written parchment in front of her. Let him wait in his dungeon till the cows come home …
But after only a few minutes, she was desperately biting the tip of her quill while all hell broke loose in her head once again, and her eyelids and nose prickled with tears that had to be forced back. In moments like these, she wanted nothing more than to get rid of this nameless horror forever—no matter how great her fear of the necessary intervention might be.
A little incantation and we'd both be happier, she thought as she joined the others for the afternoon tea, in order to have her eighth or so cup of coffee. I could go on living normally, and Severus wouldn't have to worry about dangerous rumours any more. Who cares who's waiting for who here! And maybe we could talk about it before …
"Oh no, not him!" groaned Hermione suddenly beside her as they almost reached the Great Hall. "Couldn't he stay in bed a little longer?"
Alarmed, Parvati raised her head—and found herself face to face with Blaise Zabini and a deathly pale Draco Malfoy. Shock ran through her limbs, and at the same time, she seemed to be frozen to the spot. But instead of being overwhelmed by her memories, there was only a strange emptiness in her head that made her thoughts grow viscous and paralysed her tongue. But what could she have said?
Silently, Draco and she stared at each other, his eyes had never seemed so large and dark to her. His bloodless lips opened, but not a single stupid word came out. And somehow he gave the impression that he was about to slump before her eyes. Does he even know anything anymore, Parvati thought. Did Severus take his—
"Well … shall we go in then?", Hermione finally interrupted the strange silence with a drawling voice.
"Yeah, do that!" exclaimed Blaise, making an ironic hand gesture towards the large entrance door.
"It stinks anyway of …" Draco began half-heartedly, before Blaise resolutely grabbed his arm and pulled him along—to Parvati's relief, not into the Great Hall.
Stunned, she stared after the platinum blonde head of her tormentor. She had expected anything when they first met, but not this leaden horror that numbed everything inside her, choking off her breath.
"He was still completely unfit," Hermione remarked next to her. "As I already said: why doesn't he just stay in bed? Are you coming now?"
The next shock was already waiting in the Great Hall: Severus Snape. He was sitting in his seat next to Dumbledore, and both turned their heads almost synchronously in her direction as soon as she had her foot over the threshold.
Oh God! Parvati's breath caught, she felt hot and cold. Even at this distance, Snape's black eyes seemed to pierce her, Dumbledore's gaze also seemed very knowing to her. Severus must have reported to him by now, Parvati thought. Crap, why didn't I just stay upstairs?
Almost jerkily, she turned away and continued walking tensely. The walk to the Gryffindor table had certainly never seemed so long to her, and her legs felt as if she were walking on stilts. With trembling knees, she slumped into a seat next to Hermione and, with numb fingers, grabbed a piece of apple pie on her plate that she for sure wasn't going to eat. The sight of Severus had finally finished her off, she even forewent the coffee. Instead, Parvati suddenly had an insane thirst, and the only thing that helped was cold, clear water, of which she poured almost four large glasses into herself.
"Dehydrated, Parvati?" joked Lavender, who had just returned from training and sat down diagonally opposite Parvati. She looked in the pink once again; her cheeks still flushed and her hair just towel-dried a bit. Parvati felt like a pale, washed-out boozer next to her.
"Hrmmpff," she just grumbled, and Hermione gave Lavender a peeved look.
"Oh, by the way, guess what Ron pulled off again today," Lavender went on blithely as she reached for the coffee pot. "Though, I do believe, it was the heavy rain …"
"What?" asked Parvati, already a little more eager. She really was thirsting for funny anecdotes to distract her from the chaos in her head. Hermione also pricked up her ears inconspicuously.
"He felt for some reason he had to catch a Bludger instead of the Quaffle …" Lavender started to giggle. "Blimey, he got knocked through the ring right with it … you should have seen that face—I thought he was gonna puke at any moment!"
Parvati let out a shrill giggle, and Hermione laughed out loud, for a moment completely ignoring the fact that she was no longer speaking a word to Lavender. But immediately, she had herself back in control.
"Did he hurt himself?" asked Parvati for decency's sake.
"Who cares?" muttered Hermione, the corners of her mouth twitching, and Lavender replied, "Well, he got it in the stomach and banged his head on the hoop … nothing serious—but Harry have been pissed…"
Again all three girls had to laugh, and Lavender poured coffee into her cup with a satisfied expression. And finally Parvati ate a few bites of the cake on her plate, because her stomach demanded its right, growling loudly.
Not once did she look towards the High Table again, though seeming to feel the two men's piercing eyes on her again and again—hard and uncompromising, like a demand …
Parvati knew what to do—there would be no way out, and her fear of it was indescribable. But when she thought of the next sleepless night, panic settled over her chest like a leaden ring. The thought that, not a hundred yards away from her, people—meeting Draco again, who had almost …
But do I want to stand in front of Draco, clueless, while he still remembers everything? something in Parvati revolted.
If he can remember everything … but wouldn't he have reacted differently to me then? Less … apathetically? Parvati's thoughts wandered back to their recent collision, to his eyes that seemed to cry out for help. He had seemed strangely out of things, but that could also be due to the Obliviate. Somehow she sensed that he couldn't really remember. At least not consciously.
And somehow that tipped the scales.
"I'm going to the library for a moment," she called into the bathroom a short time later, where Lavender had just begun to undergo a lengthy body-care programme. I'll be back by the time she's done, Parvati thought, pulling on her cardigan and rushing out of the room, quickly, before she changed her mind again.
She only stopped when she saw herself approaching, as she did every time, in the large mirror at the foot of the stone stairs.
Parvati had simply run off as she was; in her light-coloured trousers and the same-coloured cardigan, the ends of whose sleeves already clearly told of the numerous kohl tears she had cried; underneath she wore a white, also no longer quite clean T-shirt with a round neckline—she had only forgotten her obligatory scarf in her haste, but thanks to Severus's ointment, the red marks had already become paler. Her almost black, shoulder-length hair was wildly dishevelled from all the ruffling, and her somehow feverishly shining eyes were, for once, completely without make-up today.
She could have changed everything with a wave of her wand; but she liked what she saw. That was how someone who was about to lose part of their memory had to look.
Parvati stepped very close to the mirror and stared into the velvety black of her irises. It was almost as if Padma was looking at her from it. If you only knew, sister, she thought, and once again, the desire to speak to her almost tore her heart apart.
If you only knew that I'm standing here at Snape's door to have a memory ripped out of me that I can't—and mustn't—live with. But what will I even know afterwards? God, I'm so scared …
And almost as if in mockery, at that very moment, something came floating to the surface again. A brief moment of being carried … she lay in his arms, her head resting on his shoulder … behind her, all sorts of sounds from the Forbidden Forest, along with Draco's sobs, the cool night air, Severus's scent … and then, it went black around her again.
Trembling, Parvati turned away from the mirror and ran all ten fingers through her hair. I will have to give up this memory too …
With legs heavy as lead, she covered the few steps to Snape's office. In front of the large, heavy wooden door, she raised her hand to knock, but then paused. What if he really does erase everything?, she pondered. Our conversation in his flat? The nice things?
What were you thinking? He must delete them, she answered herself immediately afterwards. The conversation; the flat—everything points to the Death Eater meeting! It won't be in his interest that you ask yourself strange questions!
What if I really talk to him again?, she thought desperately. Maybe he can be persuaded that I won't tell anyone. Then maybe it would be enough if he only erased the worst—
Come on, forget it! He can't get involved in that! Besides—Snape couldn't want one of his students to get to know the nice side of him. He certainly hadn't planned it that way … and he's guaranteed to get pressure from Dumbledore on top of that, she remembered.
With that, hope finally left her. Perhaps it was because of the cool air in the dungeon that she finally saw things, for the first time that day, as clear and blunt as they were: He must erase the whole night! To make me think I would have done nothing more than sleep through the lunar eclipse …
No! Breathing heavily, she lowered her hand. I won't do it! I don't want to forget him. I have to live with the rest.
She turned away from the door. I'll manage somehow …
With weak knees she started her way back, but she didn't get far. Even before she reached the grand staircase, she heard footsteps from there and Severus Snape came directly her way.