Jackson & April talk after he returns from the monastery

Jackson was nervously waiting. He kept trying to convince himself that he had no reason to be nervous. It was just April. So what if she was married now. So what if he'd gone MIA for a couple of weeks. He was still Harriet's father & he could handle a handoff, thank you very much.

That didn't stop him from taking a deep, bracing breath when he heard the doorbell. Mainly because he didn't really have a clue as to what was waiting for him on the other side. He opened the door to April, a small smile on her face but an overall expression that he couldn't fully decipher. Harriet was asleep in the carseat & April had her bag slung over her shoulder.

"Hey, Jackson. Welcome back."

Again, Jackson felt like there something in her tone that was off. Or maybe it was all in his head.

"Hi April. Thanks. Come on in.", he gestured her in & moved aside to allow her to enter his apartment & that's when he saw it. He blinked furiously as she made her way to his living room, closing the door behind her. He wondered if he'd imagined it but of course he didn't. It was perfectly normal that she had it on.

A wedding ring.

The last time Jackson had seen her wear one, it was his. It was when he sat across the table from her & watched her sign away their marriage. On his insistence. And now that ring (& he himself) had been replaced in her life. Taken over by something maybe better suited for her.

As Jackson followed her in, he tried to centre himself. His mind was already all over the place, he didn't need to be spiralling over a god damn ring to add to it. Even if this little detail just added to all the complicated mess of feelings he'd been in the middle of lately.

April set the bag & car seat down & turned to look at Jackson, who was following her with a sort of lost expression on his face. She was worried about him & also kind of angry. Who just up's & leaves? With no explanations, no less. But she told herself, over & over, that it was not her place. Not anymore. He texted her updates of his general wellbeing & had Catherine covering for him with Harriet. Beyond that, it was not her business. It was Maggie's.

She saw as he walked around her & bent to give Harriet a few kisses on her forehead.

"Thanks for bringing her by & for.. being there the past few days when I wasn't.", he started, "You know I'm here now & I'm happy to cover if you & Matthew need some time-""Jackson.", she interrupted, "It's ok. Really."

"But you're newlyweds and-"

"And then we'd be newlyweds with 1 infant in the house instead of 2.", April chuckled, "Trust me, it's fine."

They stood awkwardly for a few moments & she noticed the slight frown still on his face & said before she could stop herself, "Are you.. doing ok?"

She said the words with such feeling, in such an April way that he couldn't help but smile, "I'm ok."

She waited for him to continue.

"I just needed some time.", he sighed.

"Must be something big for you to need time off from both Harriet and from work. It's not like you… just leave people who depend on you.", she replied, a slight clip in her tone.

I am not willing to just abandon people who depend on me.

He swallowed at the passive aggressive comment but let it slide, "Touché.", but let out a shaky breath & continued, "I just..", he looked at her & sighed.

This was his predicament. The one person who he could always fully open up to, was the person he wasn't allowed to open up to anymore. But, no matter the distance or boundaries, he still needed to.

"Do you have a few minutes? Maybe we can talk.", he looked at her, hopefully.

"I…", April replied. Truth was, she would end up running late for an appointment. But this was Jackson & he needed to talk, "Sure."

They sat across from each other, far away enough from Harriet so as to not wake her up.

"The last couple of months have been.. Weird.", Jackson started, awkwardly scratching his neck. He didn't really know how to articulate what he was thinking to the present company.

"You know since your accident.. I've been trying to open myself up to.. God. Right?"

She nodded. She did know that. She knew prayed for her, more like negotiated for her life. It meant a lot to her in ways that she didn't really know how to fully process.

"But, it's all still very confusing to me."

"Jackson.. You don't have to force yourself into believing if you don't just because I'm.. okay now. You've spent your whole life with a certain belief & that doesn't change overnight. It's okay if you still don't.."

"But I do. I really.. I understand now. Maybe not the way you do but better than I ever did."

April smiled at that and at the expression on his face - he seemed accepting. Open. She never thought she'd ever see him embrace faith this way.

"But.. ", he sighed, looking back at her, "You.. You believe, right? So deeply. So much so that when you couldn't, it nearly broke you."

She nodded.

"How do you make sense of it all? How does anyone? Of everything that goes wrong, of everything that we.. lose.", he whispered the last bit.

"We can't know everything. All of God's plans for us. Part of embracing faith, is embracing the idea that not everything necessarily makes sense in the moment. There is a reason for it. Even if we don't see it quite yet."

"Then what's the point? Of the choices we make. Of the pain, anger, loss.. Everything that came with the decisions we made for ourselves. Why even bother.", Jackson asked, frustrated. He felt like he was at war with himself.

"To grow.", she replied, simply.

"For fucks sake.", he leaned back on the couch, looking towards the ceiling.

"You're in conflict. Everything you've always believed, with everything you're coming to believe. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to reconcile all of it."

"I don't… know. How do you do it? How did you do it? Grow from it? From all of it?", he looked back at her

"I… let myself feel."

He gulped because he knew that that was his weakest suit. And she knew it too.

"Bottling things up, locking them away will never help. You let yourself go through it. Feel that.. pain and anger and loss. That's how you heal and move on. And maybe.. Eventually find peace. And see the path that God was making for you all along."

"Even if it means making peace with losing something you could've saved?", he was looking at her intensely, so much of what he was going through was centred on her. On them. But it wasn't like he could just come right out and tell her. So he took the scenic route. Just to try to understand if she went through this too.

April bit her lip & turned to look towards where Harriet lay asleep. She wasn't really prepared for this conversation or what he was implying to be struggling with. It wasn't a door she was going to open when she had worked so hard on closing it for good.

"Can't live in regret, Jackson. Things don't always work out the way.. we hoped or imagined. All we can do is move forward & try to do what's best for ourselves & our happiness.", she replied, turning to look back at him, a faint smile on her face.

"Is that what you did?", he asked, softly.

"Jackson.."

"Are you happy, April?"

It was a big question. The one he hadn't quite asked her. He knew the answer but for the peace of his own mind, he needed to hear it. Maybe then, as April said, he could start feeling everything that would eventually help him heal.

April saw the look on his face, a look she knew well. His mask. Of showing strength, no matter how he felt inside. She wasn't in the position to do much else to help him through what he was going through but she could give him this. The answer he needed.

"I am happy.", she replied, easily. Because she was.

Jackson smiled.

"I'm glad. And I'm really happy for you."