"But must we go, Mother?"
"We've been invited, so we're going," Mrs Took said as she fussed with the ribbon of Tiger Lily's cloak.
Tiger Lily drew in a deep sigh. She and her family had been invited to a dinner party at Buffo Bunce's smial. Tiger Lily was too weary to make small talk and pretend to like people she didn't. All she really wanted was to curl up and go to sleep, a feeling that had persisted ever since they received news of the Tookland shootings.
"How can we think about dinner parties with everything that's going on with the Shirriffs and Father?" she said, desperate to make it all go away.
"Sitting at home feeling gloomy won't solve anything. We can't stop living just because things are a little difficult at the moment. Sango will be there."
"But we don't have to go," Tiger Lily persisted. "Why are we going?"
"Because it's what we do," Mrs Took said, using the hallway mirror to put her crystal earrings in. "We go to social engagements, we make conversation and we smile. We can't give ourselves over to our passions."
"But—"
"And don't pretend to me that Buffo being there has nothing to do with this," she said, looking over her shoulder at Tiger Lily and giving her a stern glare.
Tiger Lily shut her mouth to any further complaints, as well as all other conversation. When they left home she dragged her feet and made her displeasure clear through the entire walk to Buffo's smial. She didn't verbally grumble, but her spiteful silence made sure it was never forgotten that she was there against her will.
They were greeted at the door by Buffo, resplendent in an embroidered waistcoat and smiling congenially.
"Lovely to see you, Mrs Took. And Miss Tiger Lily of course."
Tiger Lily smiled at him in a way she knew didn't look genuine; understanding she was being petty but not wanting to fix it.
"I must be off," said Buffo as he relieved Mrs Took of her cloak. "Master Boffin's in the parlour," he called after them as Tiger Lily and her mother entered the smial.
Tiger Lily's breath caught as she entered the parlour. It was a thankfully small affair: Uncle Hortenbold's family and the Boffins.
When they entered the room Tiger Lily's mother gasped and clutched her arm.
"Look at Opal," she said in a delighted whisper.
Tiger Lily followed her gaze but could see nothing of note. It was just Opal as she always was, dressed in a glossy purple gown and glittering jewellery. She was standing beside her own mother, who was chatting freely to Sango about how her irises were doing that year. Tiger Lily attached herself to the edge of the group but had little to contribute until Aunt Mertensia was pulled away by Mrs Took.
"I didn't know you knew about plants," Tiger Lily said to Sango.
"I don't," he said simply, draining his wine glass. "But she wanted to talk about it and I wanted to listen. I'm surprised you're here. I wasn't sure if you could step inside Buffo's smial without catching on fire."
"If only."
"Don't embarrass me," Opal said, looking at Tiger Lily sternly. "I will find you."
Tiger Lily huffed, determined to be disagreeable that evening. "We shouldn't be here. My father might be dead and Lotho's taken over the Shire. And Buffo's decided this is the best time for a dinner party?"
"I'm sorry. I know the timing's awful but it was all planned beforehand and… I'm sorry," Opal said. And she meant it, so strangely regretful and almost unsure of herself. She put her hand on Tiger Lily's arm in a gesture of quiet affection. "But please can you try to be civil? Just for tonight?"
Tiger Lily's skin crawled with shame. She looked away as she reluctantly replied, "I'll try."
"Opal, darling, will you come this way?" Aunt Mertensia said, beckoning Opal out of the room.
Left alone properly, Tiger Lily looked sullenly at Sango. "I want to go home," she said.
He put an arm around her shoulders. "I know."
She pressed half of her face against Sango's shoulder. "Buffo shouldn't have held a party," she half-mumbled.
"I'm sorry for what you're going through, but… it's sort of his choice?"
"Are you taking his side?" she said, affronted and moving a little away from him.
"No. It's just… you're his sweetheart's cousin, his life can't revolve around you."
Lacking an appropriate response she moved out of Sango's grip and folded her arms. "Are his parents here?"
"No?"
"Why doesn't he live with his parents?"
Sango raised an eyebrow. "Because he doesn't want to?"
"He should be looking after them."
"And if he was living with them would you be calling him a milksop?"
The muscles in her folded arms tightened in defence. "Why do you always take his side?"
Sango laughed a little. "I'm not 'taking his side', I just don't understand why you've taken against Buffo so. I've never seen you like this with anyone."
Tiger Lily turned her face away from him, not wanting to have to justify herself.
"Sango, my dear, it's so lovely to see you," Mrs Took said as she fluttered towards them, taking Sango's hands.
Tiger Lily tensed as so many possible branches of conversation were pruned away by her mother's presence.
Go away.
"Where are the rest of your family?" Mrs Took said as Sango laughed.
"They're in the drawing room," he said. "You look well as ever, but I'm so sorry for you."
"Thank you. But we've been managing well, haven't we, dear?" she said, linking arms with Tiger Lily.
Don't tell people how you think I feel. You don't have any insight into my heart, no matter how much you think you do.
Tiger Lily kept her jaw resolutely clenched as her mother and Sango talked, feeling as though something had been stolen from her.
When the group were called to dinner the only mention of what was going on in the outside world were the complaints about how small the portions were. No one was talking about the Big People or the Mayor or Lotho.
How can we spend time talking about anything else? It's too big to ignore. I'm so scared. How can I be the only person that's scared? What's wrong with me?
She was suddenly struck with a realisation: that she was utterly disconnected from everyone around her.
When can I stop feeling so alone?
Uncle Hortenbold rose from his seat holding a half-glass of wine. He was looking oddly pleased with himself.
"We have all had a trying few months," he said. "What with one thing and another."
He made only vague and downplayed references to the overhauling of the world that had taken place over the last three months, but made sure to talk about how Hobbits had survived worse in the past and it wasn't any use despairing now. The words sounded hollow to Tiger Lily, no matter how solid he thought they were.
"We must look to the future, and continue to make our plans as a means of finding hope, in spite of all the unpleasantness." He went to stand behind Opal's chair and put both of his hands on her shoulders.
It was only now that Tiger Lily noticed her cousin was wearing a single opal on her throat.
Oh no…
"And so I am delighted to inform you all that Opal and Mr Bunce are to be married."
The room erupted with noise. Mrs Took squealed and ran to hug Aunt Mertensia. Mr Boffin, serene, congratulated Opal while Mrs Boffin went to her to see her betrothal stone. Tiger Lily looked to where Sango had been sat, seeking an ally, but found that he too had gone to congratulate the couple and was shaking Buffo's hand.
Traitor.
"When is the wedding?" Sango was saying. "Have you thought about it yet?"
"April or May, I think," Buffo said. "That's the usual time."
"June or July," Opal said quickly. "I'll not marry in a spring frost."
"Whatever you wish, my dear," he said, the corner of his mouth curled up in an infuriating smile.
Uncle Hortenbold raised a toast to the couple. Tiger Lily lifted her glass along with the others but couldn't bring herself to utter the words of congratulations.
She and Opal looked at each other from across the room. Opal was sullen, her brow lifted in silent compassion but her eyes hard and defiant to say, I know you will be angry, and I don't care.
And why was Tiger Lily so upset? She knew it was coming. Everyone knew it had been coming. What else was Opal going to do? It was just…
"Time to withdraw, I think," Buffo said, opening the door to the corridor for everyone else.
Tiger Lily followed the group glumly while Sango walked ahead of her, chatting happily with Buffo. It felt like she was missing a limb.
"Shall we have some music?" Uncle Hortenbold said as they filed into the drawing room.
"Miss Tiger Lily should exhibit," Rico said. "She plays so well."
Rico had never heard Tiger Lily play—she had made sure of that—but now everyone was looking at her.
Her insides turned cold and she looked around for someone to save her, but all she received were blank, innocently expectant expressions. Even Sango. Not even he understood how big and terrible this was for her, even with how small and silly she knew it was.
Uncle Hortenbold's countenance was severe. Unlike the others, he wasn't passively waiting for her to play but silently telling her that she would do it.
Please don't make me.
But even as she thought this her limbs moved her mechanically, like a wind-up doll, to the piano. Tiger Lily's hands trembled as she searched through the sheet music, stingingly aware of the people watching her as they settled into various armchairs and settees about the room. She fumbled one of the sheets onto the stand and realised too late it was a May dance. She couldn't change it now or everyone would wonder why.
Her finger joints turned to wood as she slowly started along the first line.
The shame from playing it so much slower than intended hurt like pin pricks along her arms. Panicking, she misplaced one of her fingers, letting out an ugly dissonant chord. She could see Rico smiling, just on the edge of her peripheral vision. She started to blush and sweat and her heartbeat quickened, which only made everything worse. She couldn't stop thinking about Opal and Buffo. She lost her timing completely, and in her panic she started to press the wrong keys consistently. She closed her eyes in an attempt to hold back tears, too aware of all the faces watching and judging her.
"How lovely," Buffo said, suddenly appearing at her side and closing the piano cabinet. "Perhaps you would like to play next, my dear?" he said, turning to Opal.
"Certainly," Opal said. She gave Tiger Lily a look of mixed concern and apology as they passed each other.
Tiger Lily went to sit beside Sango, completely at home with his arms spread over the back of the settee. He leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, "Are you all right?"
Tiger Lily didn't reply as her pulse throbbed in her face, though whether from embarrassment or anger she couldn't tell. She kept her fingers tightly gripped on the upholstery, her nails digging in and finger bones outlining the back of her hands. She was too agitated to even look at him.
Opal started playing, her music beautiful like everything else about her. It was the usual kind of song sung by young ladies in front of company. She raised her pleasant voice to meet the simple tune.
Where the West Wind blows,
And the foxglove grows,
And the eglantine's in bloom.
There a careless lad,
Led his handsome lass,
All for to be her groom.
This was too much. Tiger Lily stood and left the room abruptly, not looking back. Only blurrily aware of her surroundings as she passed down the corridor, all she knew was that she needed to get out. Out of the front door and into the garden she ended up alone in the cold uncaring night. But her insides were on fire; stuck between her inability to stay and her inability to leave. She paced up and down the front garden like a caged animal, panting breaths turning to steam on her lips. Rain was starting to come down in pin pricks against her hot skin.
Everything was wrong. Why couldn't anyone else see it?
She took no heed of the front door opening.
She would marry a gentlehobbit. They would have children. She would give everything she was to please them and she would be happy. She would make herself be happy because there was nothing else.
"I'm sorry, Tills," Sango said.
He was on the front step. In spite of the worry on his face he stood casually, leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets. He was exactly like himself. How did he find everything so easy?
"I'm so angry," Tiger Lily said. "Why am I angry? I'm never angry. Not like this."
"You're allowed to be angry sometimes," he said softly.
"Why do I always let people push me about?"
Sango sighed. "You're gentle," he said with a half-shrug.
"It's not real. None of it's real," she said, turning away to continue to pacing. "Is this really all there is?"
"What?"
"This. Isn't there something else? Isn't there some secret part of life that once you have it, it all makes sense?"
"Art?" Sango said wearily. "Or love. Which Opal has."
"But art isn't real. You can't smell the flowers in a painting or embrace someone in a poem. And love can't be this intangible thing. It has to be something you can see or touch or hear because that's all we can do. Everything else is just vapour. She could do better."
His brow furrowed. "What was that last bit?"
"Opal," she snapped.
Sango flinched. "There's no need to shout."
Tiger Lily stopped her pacing and looked back at him. He had removed himself from the doorway now and had come to meet her in the garden. Soft golden light brushed over his head, turning his hair into a messy dark mist around his crown. He looked so tired, a contrast to his delight at the announcement of the betrothal. Had she done that?
"I know she can do better," Tiger Lily said again. She was so powerless; a lass standing in the night and no matter how many words she said the world around her never changed.
"How?" he said.
She opened her mouth to explain but suddenly everything that seemed to make so much sense in her head disappeared and she couldn't remember any of the reasons she was so convinced. "I don't know…"
Sango sighed, closing his eyes and massaging the lids. "You're not making any sense. Buffo's good-humoured, rich, respectable—" At this Tiger Lily turned away from him in disgust. "And he's been nothing but kind to you," he said this as the last of his patience went from his voice. He took incautious steps towards her. "The only person who objects to the match is you. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you're the problem?"
Tiger Lily turned around to look at him. The fire in her voice dampened down into nothing when she said, "I've always thought I was the problem."
"Oh, Tills…" he said. He went to put his arms around her but she flinched away, too agitated to be touched.
"I keep on saying that there's something wrong but no one else can see it and I'm not supposed to want the things I want and I don't know if any of it's real or if I'm going mad like Father." She wrapped her arms around her stomach and looked up at Sango helplessly, trembling and fighting to keep the shaking out of her voice. "Rowley… I think I'm broken."
"You're not," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I promise you're not."
His eyes were wide with the kind of fear you could only have for someone you loved. Sango loved her with such ease, like it was a natural extension of who he was. He loved her more naturally than she did herself. And she had always loved him. She couldn't remember what it was like to be alive and not love him. That had always been enough so it should still be enough. Hadn't it always been enough?
She gently pulled her shoulders out of his hands and turned to face the road in front of the smial. Sango stayed beside her, looking out.
For a while they said nothing. Leaves rustled. Somewhere far away a group of Hobbits were having a quiet, unintelligible conversation. There were traces of smoke on the air; a reminder that they were in the eye of a storm. When Tiger Lily moved her lips they felt rusty, like this was her first time using them.
"Sometimes… I think I let everyone nudge me around so that I can be whatever they want me to be. Because that would be better than anything I could make of myself."
Sango took her hand. He moved carefully, like he was trying to quell a scared animal and pressed her fingers. Guilt tore between her ribs.
"Why don't I walk you home?" he said. "We can tell the others you're not feeling well."
Tiger Lily slowly eased her hand out of his. "I need to do something," she said. "I haven't done anything for a long time." She walked down to the gate.
Sango watched her helplessly. "Please come back inside, Tills."
She ignored him.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know, I haven't decided yet." She left the garden and continued down the lane, relishing the sound of the gate's latch clicking behind her.
"What do I tell everyone?" Sango said, leaning over the fence.
"I don't care," she said. "Tell them I'm dead."
"That's not funny."
She ignored him again. There was the sound of the gate opening behind her.
"Tills, please, you're scaring me."
She moved faster, pushing the ground away from under her feet until she was running, still disregarding his calls. She stopped at a fence and clambered over into the meadow on the other side. He was faster than her, but she was more used to moving over untilled ground. Long grass whipped against her legs as she flew over the undergrowth, birds erupting from the hedgerows as she ran. Eventually she lost the sound of Sango's clumsy pursuit behind her, but she kept going out of sheer elation; this was as close as she would ever come to flying.
She had told him a lie, even knowing that it was wicked to do so.
She knew exactly where she was going.
Tiger Lily knocked on the door to the Delvers' smial, and waited, and worried. She had considered what she would do if it was Rob who answered, but what would she say to anyone else who came to the door? By the law of averages, it would probably be one of the Delver siblings or parents who answered. But this wasn't a scenario she had considered until now and it brought a new wave of anxiety.
Having left her cloak in Buffo's smial she wrapped her arms around her as goose flesh rose up over her arms, though hot blood still pumped through her limbs from the run. Small spots of water were appearing on her arms from the increasingly heavy rain.
It was Mrs Delver who answered. She looked Tiger Lily over with even more disdain than when they first met; there was no reason to try and get along with her this time.
"Yes?" she said.
Tiger Lily swallowed against her dry throat. "I'm sorry for— for calling at this hour, but is Rob there, please?"
Mrs Delver hesitated, as though weighing up what the best thing for her son would be. Eventually she sighed. "I'll see if he wants to come."
She closed the door on Tiger Lily to leave her on the step. Tiger Lily supposed she couldn't blame her, given her treatment of Rob. She was left waiting for so long that she started to think that Rob didn't want to see her and that Mrs Delver had decided to just leave her on the doorstep until she took the hint and went home. She was about to turn away from the smial when the door opened. Rob was there.
A fragile, flickering light was shining behind him. He folded his arms across his chest and looked at her with… not quite distaste, but it was obvious that this intrusion wasn't welcome.
"Yes?" he said.
"Um…" Suddenly she had forgotten everything she wanted to say. Rob was no longer a memory but a flesh and blood person stood before her, with the same tousled hair and crooked nose and not-quite-hazel eyes he'd always had. It was almost like they had never been apart.
"Th-the last time we saw each other and I…" She swallowed, not wanting to make her rejection of him tangible by finishing the sentence. "You said you wanted to talk but I shut you out and I'm sorry I didn't listen and I know you have no reason to want to talk now... But if you did want to talk now, we can. If you want." She watched him tentatively, not sure what his reaction would be.
The bitterness in his expression didn't change. Then there was a lifting of the brows and the hard line of his mouth softened. "Not here." He reached inside and lifted a coat off the stand. "I'm going out," he called back before closing the door behind him.
"Where are we going?" Tiger Lily said as she followed him down the garden path.
"Away from that lot."
Tiger Lily looked back to see the single window of the Delvers' smial was pressed with small faces watching them.
They walked down the lane in awkward silence. Part of her had been hoping they would immediately fall back into the easy company they'd had before, even if deep down she knew that wouldn't be possible.
"So… um… How are your family faring?"
"Fine."
"Good. And your work is—?"
"Also fine." Rob stopped and turned to her. Frowning and folding his arms he said, "Look, it's bloody cold out so can you hurry up and explain yourself so I can go home?"
This was so abrupt, and the request so broad that Tiger Lily could only say, "Explain myself how exactly?"
At this, Rob's anger fluctuated, replaced by surprise. "I thought you'd know. Why'd you come here if not?"
"I wanted to know what you wanted to know."
"What?"
Rob opened his mouth to say something more but hesitated, instead lifting his head to listen to something. Tiger Lily focussed on the outside noises.
There were Man-voices coming from somewhere close. She and Rob looked at each other with mirrored panic. Rob swore under his breath and Tiger Lily darted to the nearest hedgerow.
"Through here," she whispered, ducking into a low gap in the hedge. Rob crawled after her but struggled to get his larger frame through the gap. Tiger Lily helped him to his feet on the other side. Once he was upright he lightly placed a hand on the top of her back to encourage her to run alongside him.
"Come on," he said.
"We could go to a barn," she said, struggling to keep up with him. "The Boffins' old farm is close."
"There's Men camping in the fields there,"
The voices were closer now. Tiger Lily grabbed Rob's shirt to pull him behind a tree with her. They stood in silence as the Men passed, focussed entirely on making as little noise as possible. She could feel the relief radiating from Rob once the Men had gone.
"The Cottons' farm's safe," he said when they were alone. "Come on."
Tiger Lily followed him silently through the field, running haphazardly over the knee-high meadow hay. Raindrops dotted her skirt as they ran and by the time they reached the barn it was pouring down.
"You can pick your moments, can't you, lass?" Rob said, shaking his jacket out at the door once they were both inside.
Tiger Lily sat cross legged on a pile of hay as she wrung her hair out. "It's my talent."
He snorted. Satisfied that the coat was as dry as it was going to get, he went to sit opposite her, though was careful to keep his distance.
"So just so I know we're both of the same mind… You came to talk to me so that I can talk to you and you can talk to me back?"
"Yes, exactly."
He didn't seem to appreciate her flippancy.
"I can talk first if you like," Tiger Lily said. "But I didn't let you talk before and I thought you might have things you wanted to say. You can ask me questions, or shout at me if you like."
"I'm not going to shout at you."
"You can. I don't mind."
He sighed and leaned his head against the wall of the barn. He stared at some point past Tiger Lily's shoulder while she waited for him to organise his thoughts.
"What happened?" he said eventually. "I thought it was going well. I keep thinking about it over and over, wondering if it was aught I did that turned you away."
"You didn't do anything. That's the awful thing of it." Tiger Lily drew her knees up, hugging them tightly. "I was just scared. I'm scared of everything."
"Of me?"
"No." She took in a deep breath. "I told you once I was frightened of becoming an old maid. I don't know if you remember…" She looked at him questioningly.
"I remember," he said.
She took a deep breath and clutched the damp fabric of her skirt for comfort. "And it is true. Making my family happy means marrying whoever is suitable. I know that and it's fine. I want to make them happy. And I know that if I don't marry then this whole world of experience and understanding will be lost to me before I'm half way through my life. But…"
She shuddered and hid her face in her skirt. "But if I do get married I'll be all alone in a big, strange smial with someone I don't know yet and all these new duties I won't be able to do properly. I won't be a good wife because I've never been good at anything. I'm not good with children and I hate being in society and I make mistakes with the accounts and I can't tell people what to do. And I don't know how to please a husband. So he won't be happy and I won't be happy and we'll be stuck together until we die. I'm so scared, Rob. I'll embarrass him like I embarrass everyone and I'll make him regret whatever reason he chose to marry me. It won't have been for love because how could anyone want me like that?"
She finally raised her head to look at Rob again, on the point of tears now. "How could you want me?"
Rob closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Lass…"
Tiger Lily drew in a shaky breath. She couldn't take her eyes off him, though it was painful to look and remember everything she'd done wrong. "I thought I must have made a mistake. No one's ever wanted me like that before so how could you? You're good and you're kind and know exactly who you are and what you want. How could you have looked at me and seen something desirable? When I look in the mirror I see less than nothing; something that can bring no goodness into the world, just take from people and make mistakes and be afraid. Afraid to be a spinster and afraid to be a wife. Afraid to be a Took and afraid to be respectable."
She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against her hand. "How could you want that?"
The hay rustled as Rob came towards her. She felt the air beside her shift as he knelt by her side.
"You're not a 'that'," he said softly.
Before she realised what she was doing, Tiger Lily had flung herself at Rob, tumbling into his lap and throwing her arms around his neck. Her heart quickened as she took in his musty smell.
"I've missed you," she whispered as his muscles tightened beneath his shirt. "You don't know how much I've missed you."
A moment more and his muscles melted into relaxation. Broad arms wrapped around her as he returned her embrace, hiding his face in her shoulder and mumbling something she couldn't make out. She hadn't realised how much she missed his touch until she had it again.
Tiger Lily sat back, placing her hands on his chest and absentmindedly fiddling with one of the buttons of his shirt. "Could we try again, Rob? Could you like me again?"
Rob sighed wearily and took her hands in his. It would have been a tender gesture were it not for the fact that he was trying to make the situation less intimate. "I'm not saying I don't want to," he said, running his calloused thumb over her knuckles. "But it's not enough for me to want you back. It hurt when you turned on me so sudden, and then you turning up again tonight out of the blue wanting me back…" He dropped her hands, covering his face and giving a slight groan.
Tiger Lily got out of his lap and shifted away, giving him the space he wanted. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you."
He ran his hands down his face to look at her over the top of his fingertips. "Is this how it's always going to be? Is this what courting a Took's like? 'Cus I can't be doing with being pulled back and forth like this."
Rob sighed and rested his arms on his knees. "You're allowed to change your mind. You was afeard. I get it. But what do you want, Lil?"
Tiger Lily hesitated, shocked at being asked what she wanted and even more shocked at knowing the answer, though somehow this didn't feel like quite the right moment for, 'I want you to deflower me against the drawing room wall.'
"I want…" She hugged her knees again and looked at the damp rafters of the barn. "I don't want you to make me feel ashamed for my desires. I don't want you to get so drunk that you can't walk. I don't want you to dismiss my worries and thoughts like they're nothing." She looked back down at him. "But I didn't need to say any of that, did I? Because you've never done any of those things."
The corner of Rob's mouth lifted slightly into a rueful smile. "I like a drink. When I can get one."
"I know. It's just that there's a difference between that and drinking until you make yourself sick." She frowned. "And I don't want you to call me a 'little thing'. Ever. I don't care what compliment prefaces it."
"That's all things you don't want," Rob said steadily. "But what do you want?"
Tiger Lily blinked into the darkness, where Rob was a collection of shadows and burred shapes. "Companionship," she whispered. "That's all I've ever wanted."
He brushed the back of his fingers against her cheek. She dared not hold it there in case it flitted away like a butterfly. His lips parted as he murmured, "I've missed you."
He took her hands in both of his and his face took on a determined look. "One more go."
Tiger Lily squealed and made to jump into his arms again, but he held her by the shoulders so he could look her in the eye.
"This is the last time, understand? If things end again I'm not coming back to you."
"Yes, of course," she said, nodding frantically.
"And… and if you're not happy with something you talk to me about it, you don't just cut me out, right?"
"Yes, yes, I know."
"Right. Good." He broke into a nervous half-smile. His hands slid down her arms to press her fingers but he didn't seem sure of what to do after that.
Tiger Lily kissed him, raking one of her hands through his wet curls. He put his hands on her waist and she took this as a cue to press herself as close to him as she could. When she was with him her body wasn't something to be ashamed of or covered up; it was natural and desirable. He wanted her. And respectability didn't matter because being with him was fundamentally unrespectable. So she might as well fall completely.
When they parted they kept their faces close. His eyelashes tickled against her cheek.
"Will you come to my bedchamber?" she said.
His muscles tensed again and he drew his face back to look at her better. "What?"
"Will you come to my bedchamber?"
"Why?" he said.
Tiger Lily laughed. "I thought you'd know, it was your idea."
"If this is to make me stay…"
"No," she said quickly.
"It's just that you din't want anything like that when we was courting and that was before we'd spent weeks apart and I don't know what else has changed since."
Tiger Lily settled to sitting between his legs. "I don't want to wait until I'm married. It might be years, or forever. But we can do things our way, can't we?" She grasped his hands tight. "It can just be us and no one else would have to know if nothing else existed in the moment except for the two of us. No past or future. Just us, here as we are now."
He looked at her solemnly and then brought her hands to his mouth to graze a brief kiss against her knuckles.
"The rain's stopped," he said, making to get up. "I'll walk you home."
"All right," she said, getting to her feet and wishing that the awkwardness between them would disappear.
They didn't speak much as they walked to North Bank Row, only partly to avoid the attention of the Men. There was a light on in Tiger Lily's smial and she followed it like a star. Rob stopped walking well before they reached the front garden.
"I shouldn't come any further," he said.
"All right," said Tiger Lily. "I'll see you later then, maybe."
"Aye," he said.
When she reached the door he was still stood on the road, watching her silently with his hands in his pockets. Tiger Lily gave him a glance back as she entered the smial, wondering where he would go once she closed the door. Inside she was met with the unmistakable voices of her mother and Sango coming from the morning room.
"You must have some idea of where she could be," her mother was saying.
"I don't know, I'm not her keeper," Sango said. He sounded exhausted.
The parlour door was on the latch and Tiger Lily pressed it lightly with her fingertips to let it swing open.
Sango was sat on the settee. He was bent forward with his fingers covering his eyes and his waistcoat undone.
"Tills!" he said, jumping up when he saw her.
Mrs Took spun around. "There you are, we were so worried," she said, pulling Tiger Lily into a hug. Then she drew back and her expression became harsh. "What made you disappear like that? And at Opal's betrothal party too, you never even gave them any good wishes."
"I'm sorry. I wasn't feeling myself," Tiger Lily said, trying to wriggle out of her mother's arms. "But I think I'll retire now if that's all right with you."
"But where have you been?"
"Can we not discuss it in the morning? I'm weary," Tiger Lily said as she escaped into the corridor. She had almost reached her room when a voice behind her called out.
"Tills," Sango said, catching her hand before she reached her chamber door, "are you sure you're all right? You were talking so strangely before you left."
"I'm fine," she said shortly as she disentangled her hand from his. She was going to leave again but he looked so worried that her pity stirred and she put her hand on his cheek. "I'm well enough, dear heart, don't worry about me. We can speak tomorrow."
She slipped away from him and entered her chamber, shutting the door.
She spent the next few minutes letting her hair loose and changing into her nightgown. Sat at her dressing table, she regarded her appearance in the candlelight. The shawl was a point of contention. Decency said she should wear it. Tiger Lily said she'd spent most of her life being decent and it wasn't all that fun and what was even the point anyway? Decency said she should at least pretend to care. In the end she and decency compromised by having her wear the shawl, but leaving it to drape uselessly over the crooks of her arms.
She lit a candle in the window and waited. Not able to sit still she stood and paced the room, moving from bed to window seat to her dressing table and back again. She was an elven maid from one of Mad Baggins's stories; waiting for a mortal man to climb up to her bower. She waited longer and wondered if he would come, but didn't have the heart to snuff the candle, just in case he arrived. Sure enough, there eventually came a knock at the window. Flushed and excited, Tiger Lily drew the curtains back to find Rob there, looking nervous and a little embarrassed.
"Hello," she said, opening the window to him and smiling stupidly.
He nodded to her. "Lil."
They stood for a while, Rob's hands pushed resolutely into his pockets, his cheeks blushing from the cold.
"You going to let me in?" he said.
"Oh. Yes. Sorry."
Tiger Lily stood aside and took his hand to steady him as he climbed through the window. He stepped first onto the window seat and then the floor.
"You sure you're all right with this?" he said, looking around the room as Tiger Lily shut the window.
"Yes, of course," she said, moving the candle to the bedside table and hoping he couldn't hear her heart dancing. "Are you?"
"I am. But I know you're easily afeared."
She left the candle. Squeezing Rob's hands she lifted herself onto her toes to kiss him. "I'm not afraid," she said. "Not now. I want you."
His lips curved beautifully at the edge. "In that case, you've got me."
Grinning irrepressibly, she rushed to the window. She pulled the curtains closed, and after that it was just them, in that moment, as they were.
A/N: A chapter that contains no roses, red or otherwise. Tam Lin's thematic relevance is tangential at best and what it really comes down to is that I like Child Ballads and I have no one to tell me to stop.
Dear Guest Reviewer: Glad you enjoyed the chapter! Drawing a parallel between Sango and Clover is interesting and not something I'd considered much. I didn't intentionally write Tiger Lily as Autistic, but I think it's both a cool and valid reading. I did intentionally write her father to be Autistic (for the few scenes he appears in) and she does have some of the traits so it's entirely possible that she's on the Spectrum. Thank you as always for your kind words.
(Other Hobbits describing Tiger Lily's father as "mad" are not representative of the views of the author and are instead intended to reflect both the historical conflation of mental illness and learning difficulties as well as Hobbits canonically having very strict standards for what outs as "normal" behaviour.)
Dear Elise: Bless you, that's so sweet! I'm so glad you're enjoying the fic and the characters. Apologies for breaking up Rob and Tiger Lily; you started reading at the right time lol. Thank you so much for your lovely review!