The Fat Dong's Rule 9 - (Supernatural Asia, DongZhuo!SI)
I now have a Ko-Fi for Donations. I don't take requests/commissions, but if you can support me through it, then it would be awesome.
Link: ko-fi DOT com /justbukharin
It was March 191.
'Peace' was blessing China with good yields for the peasants in the South as the Northern lands had experienced much war to produce a satisfactory agricultural result.
I had predicted an assault to occur within the first months of this new year as soon as the news about the failings unfolding within Cao Cao's domain. I am not sure how much of it was tied to the number of men Cao Cao was employing in his army, but it was clear the man may have misunderstood the current order of engagement of Lu Bu's own force.
Where originally the army led by the madman was pretty much mobilized, the current backbone of the 'Han New Banner Model' was based around Selective Conscription. Only those that were third sons and beyond could join the army - youths that were not meant to inherit or work any land, and were thus lacking of purpose.
It severely limited the pool of soldiers available, but it allowed for a half-decent quality army that could seriously melt the opposition. And no, this isn't just a loose comment on the discipline employed by those brave warriors, but because I had my own brand of 'Grenadiers' at our disposal. While Cannons were a pipe dream for the time being, grenades were not.
The concept had been studied by master crafstmen that were experienced in creating ceramic items, thus resulting in well-round spheres containing an experimented mixture of gunpowder. It had took years to get the right recipe as I remembered only half of the components, but through trials and errors - and by ordering the morons to not do those experiments so close up when the main goal was to create a bomb - we had it.
Gunpowder in the 190s... and we were going to make some comedic bombs out of it. The spheres were large, a bit heavy, so it was decided by Lu Bu that only those able to throw large rocks could be fitted with the responsibility of handling the grenades.
It took a while to get the troops accustomed to the idea of blowing up fellow human beings, but it was possibly the war itself that taught them how dreadful of an experience it was.
Liu Bei was the one that started the campaign. A Han Zealot, Liu Bei was thirsting to 'free' the Empire from my hold. He hurled a scathing public letter denouncing me as a Tyrant, and then expected us to not do nothing until his army was fully ready to strike.
The thing is... the best way to handle a coalition is by striking as rapidly as possible. And as Lu Bu was given the order, his troops marched eastward and managed to conquer Guancheng (Modern Day Zhengzhou) in less two weeks.
This was a power move that, albeit far from deadly, put a block for any offensive the Three Stooges were up to. Guancheng was a major crossroad between the lands owned by Cao Cao and Liu Bei. If he wanted to get this war started on a good footing, he needed to reclaim the city.
Which led to a little mistake Cao Cao made due to a common mistake most made when it comes to 'who got the longer dick': the coalition army that rallied to face Lu Bu was three times his current force.
Where Lu Bu could boast 9000 well-organized soldiers, his foes had about 35000 soldiers. Most were green troops, relying on seasoned officers rather on the quality of their skills. Then there was something else that turned this in a brutal battle for the coalition, which was the geographical 'fuck you' that is Guancheng - it was encircled by various rivers.
The moment you have a decent army defending that settlement in the right places, no amount of human waves can claim it. And the report of the battle I received a little less than a week later confirmed some of my expectations.
Liu Bei tried with a first assault by leading roughly 4000 soldiers beyond the river in the northermost area and establish a foothold. This effort was vanquished by an unified defense held by Grenadiers and archers. Arrows and bombs created one of the scariest scenarios for Liu Bei's troops.
A retreat was forced by the very troops that were chosen as the 'bravest' by Liu Bei himself. This was a disastrous first attempt, but Cao Cao actually did try to keep his own soldiers out of reach of the explosive devices.
He tried to use the night to sneak troops from different flanks all at once, but those were pushed back with the same degree of brutality. Two days of the intense siege that was wearing off more the attackers than the defenders, Liu Bei, with the help of Bao Xi's reinforcements, decided to deliver a major assault to shatter the defense by attacking from all sides.
The issue with this plan was that Liu Bei had committed the worst mistake possible: he forgot who was leading the defenses.
Lu Bu is hardly a patient man, I told him this much during the last few weeks, but I argued to him that he could try to 'hold back' a little bit during a campaign to try and 'lure in' those foes that were dumb enough to forget 'who he was'.
"In what way?"
"Well, are you not the God of War? A fierce monster that can emerge into a rage at command? Use that to your own advantage, let them come at you and, when they truly forgot who you are, remind them of your true title."
The idea was simple, maybe even silly. But it was enough for Lu Bu to understand my point: as Liu Bei and Bao Xi led their men in what they thought would be their greatest victory. They had now four times Lu Bu's forces in Guancheng and they were attacking everywhere, expecting for Lu Bu to stay in position.
Then... disaster struck as two cavalry units rushed out of Guancheng, Lu Bu leading one of those with the intention to have both Generals killed in this skirmish. The sudden counter-assault reaches the ears of both men too late as they could see Lu Bu's arrival. Their surrounding forces lack spears or lances, these units being expended with the rest to attack all around Guancheng. They try to retreat to better positions, but Lu Bu is too fast and he intercepts them.
Lu Bu's cavalry rams into Liu Bei and Bao Xi's guards. The ensuing brawl is brutal, with Lu Bu 'showing them who he was'. He is stabbing and jabbing, his weapons tearing and scorching before he ultimately makes it to his two main targets.
Bao Xi tries to put up a fight, but the older General is slain in front of a wounded Liu Bei. The man is put before the iron, and he bows his head rather than reclaim his sword and fight. He surrendered.
The news of Liu Bei's capture and Bao Xi's death are enough for Cao Cao to end the skirmish and, rather than prolong this campaign, he understand that the worst had occurred and a 'measured' defeat was his best option at the time.
The convoy is told to be reaching Luoyang by the end of the month so that a 'Trial' can occur together with a Treaty to reorganize a fraction of the Northern Provinces. Yuan Shang is not among those part of the coalition- in a surprising twist, Shang had struck Liu Bei's land from the northern border and secured a large chunk of land that was stolen from his father's original fief.
Instead of trying to get more foes on us, I just recognize Shang's 'reasonable claim'.
All in all, this sounded about it. Cao Cao and Liu Bei would be taken care of, the Southern Warlords were loyal enough and... that was it. Yes, I...
I fucking did it.
I was quite delighted to know that all the worst troubles had been taken care of, already planning the next plan to secure the Empire without pissing off He, and then-
"Achoo!"
I froze. My eyes widening a bit as I turned at the source of the curious reaction. Wushe sniffed, then used her own sleeve to clean up her nostrils before going back to dusting the floor with her broomstick. I didn't tell her to do that, but she was of the 'expectation' that, since she was cleaning, she could dodge doing paperwork duty.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that wasn't a thing but... something about that specific 'sneeze' caught my attention.
"Wushe, is your kind able to have allergies?"
She paused, giving me a frown.
"What's an all-aargey?"
...Ominous.
Meanwhile, in the land of the throat-singers...
"Hahahahaha! Run and beg, you foolish mongrel! I shall be ruthless with all of you for daring to oppose Yesui's ambitions!" A womanly exclaimed fiercely as she scoured the land and wrecked the survivors of this last battle against the remaining Xiongnu fighters.
The source of it being a young looking woman with dark hair pulled in two braided tails, vicious red eyes, and sharp-looking teeth that hardly matched the most inhuman lower body she had. In fact, albeit she looked quite human with her busty upper body, the lady had the lower body of a horse.
This, coupled with her trained use of curved blades made her the most formidable warrior in the current region. A feral monster, and one that obeyed to a single individual: her beloved lady, the daughter of the late Xianbei Leader, Tanshihuai, Lady Yesui.
And with the remnant of the Xiongnu perishing under her wrath, the centaur known as Chotan gladly readied her gaze to the southern lands where the once-stable Empire was in true need of some pillaging.
I shall loot the land and salt the earth for my beloved Yesui's sake~!
AN
Dong: I can now get a break at once-
Diao Chan: Ni Hao, Fat Lover!
Dong: Shi- Wait, do I hear... Throatsinging in the distance?
Still, seriously speaking, next time will see the Dong facing the Horni Diao. Featuring Lady Shurong trying to put the horni beauty in a leash by teaching her the ABC of 'not being a greedy slut'.