told myself I'd update on the 1st and then I go and come down sick at work that day... well, better late than never I guess.

huge, huge shoutout to reviewer Lotus'Guard for proofreading my use of the german language, can't thank you enough mate. Corrections have been integrated into a backedit.

Due to same backedit, however, I should also mention that it erased some previous author's notes I had here. The backedit on the ao3 upload of this fic has retained its author's notes, if anything in them was of interest.

X-X-X

Chapter 18

X-X-X

"It looks like hyperseretonemia. She should be fine within twenty-four to forty-eight hours, as long as symptoms are managed until then and she doesn't enter a seizure."

Maya looked up, her brow furrowing. "Why on earth would Rei develop hyperseretonemia?"

"Improperly dosing her medication would do it," Ritsuko replied, her tone befitting the clinical setting. "A significant metabolic change might, too."

Maya frowned, looking away. Dr. Akagi had never told her what medications Rei took - only ever obliquely referring to their existence, if at all. Still, if there was ever an opportune time to probe, I can't think of better…

"What medications is she on that might cause hyperseretonemia?" Looking back up, she noticed that Ritsuko's expression was already closing off into its defensive mask. "I haven't observed her closely, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised she's taking antidepressants."

Ritsuko nodded. "She is. Her dose should never be high enough to cause this, though."

Interesting. She just answered outright to an obviously leading question. I expect, then, that it's true - just not the whole truth.

"So, you think she won't come to any serious harm?"

Ritsuko sighed, a somewhat uncharacteristic expression for her. "No way to be certain. Like I said, the hyperseretonemia might cause a seizure, but I dare not give her an anticonvulsant before the fact." Pulling up her lab coat sleeves, she retrieved a cold pack from the laboratory refrigerator behind her and swapped it out for the depleted and warm one that Rei's head had been lying on. "The best we can do right now is keep her temperature from spiking and wait."

Maya nodded, but her frown didn't soften.

X-X-X

The Artificial Evolution Laboratory was a massive complex. Not quite the largest structure within NERV headquarters - Central Dogma, which contained everything to do with storage, maintenance and deployment of Evangelion units, was still larger - but it was still huge. It was also far more sparsely populated than the rest of headquarters, and operated mostly as a repository for the myriad of specialized equipment that the Section 3 technicians worked with. One might take two turns in the hallways before seeing another lab coat.

Since Section 3 tended to hire on workaholics who were married to their jobs, the break rooms tended to be even more deserted. One such room, in one of the further corners of the AEL and bordering an exterior wall of the NERV pyramid, was something of a getaway for Ritsuko while she was working. Thus, she'd personally overseen the installation of Faraday shielding in the already sound-insulated walls, and regularly swept the room for bugs.

She was also careful to ensure the ventilation fans were kept in good order, since the room would otherwise be frequently clouded in stale cigarette smoke.

Thirty hours? Really? Ritsuko gazed idly at the wall clock. No wonder my head hurts. And legs, too. Fuck, does it feel good to be sitting down again.

There was a half-burned cigarette in her mouth. It had gone out at some point in the last few minutes, while Ritsuko was - apparently - spacing out.

Damn it, Ritsuko. You need sleep. Caffeine and nicotine can only fuel a body for so long. Her fingers fished a lighter out of her pocket, more out of conditioned reflex than conscious choice, and brought the shaking flame up to the tobacco. Not that I'll get it; not that anyone at NERV can actually sleep easily at night. Even the lucky ones that can still live with themselves…

"Doctor Akagi."

Ritsuko flinched, almost dropping the lighter. The flat, accusing voice was one she could recognize easily, even from directly behind her.

"Asuka," she replied, carefully keeping the nervous tremor out of her voice. "You aren't authorized with AEL access. Care to explain how you got here?"

"That's Lieutenant Langley-Soryu to you." Asuka didn't sound intimidated in the slightest. "Captain Katsuragi let me in."

Ritsuko cursed silently. "Captain Katsuragi doesn't know what's good for her, flaunting rules like that," she murmured. "You should leave. You aren't cleared -"

"You and your girlfriend can have that fight later," Asuka interrupted harshly. "I'm here now, and I'm not leaving until I get what I want."

That was a calculated accusation. She knows. She fucking knows. "And what is it you want?" Ritsuko replied, her voice still measured and steady.

"Answers."

Ritsuko let out a short bark, halfway between a sharp laugh and a cough on the smoke of her cigarette. "You like to dance close to the fire, don't you, Lieutenant?" She choked out.

"You're verdammt right I do. Gonna talk?"

Ritsuko's hand went up to the stub of what had once been a cigarette, and she flicked it carelessly onto the floor as she sat up straight in her chair. "Well, you seem to have considerably more leverage over me than I expected," she said. "And it's not like I'm unfamiliar with treachery. Go turn on that toaster oven, will you?"

"What? Why?" Asuka entered Ritsuko's field of vision as she walked over to the break room counter, examining the decrepit and rusting machine. "Are you trying to pull one over me?"

If I was trying to pull one over you, I'd have shot you in the back as soon as you looked away. The Commander would even commend me, if he knew where you've been digging lately.

"I'm reasonably certain no one is listening in here, but that machine emits loud, broad-spectrum electromagnetic noise when running." Ritsuko smiled to herself for a second. "I didn't even need to modify it. It's a perfect signal jammer for any tiny microphones that… might have found there way in here."

"Jeez, paranoid much?"

"Paranoia is a form of delusion; a delusion is a belief that the subject holds even in the face of overwhelming, empirical evidence against." Ritsuko dug her cigarettes out of her lab coat pocket, retrieving a lone paper cylinder from the pack. "Whereas I, in contrast, have overwhelming empirical evidence that I am most certainly being spied upon. In fact, as NERV's computer administrator, many of these surveillance systems are under my direct authority; however, my sweeps regularly turn up unregistered bugs and cameras in my workspaces. Never doubt that the walls have ears here."

Asuka sighed, her frown deepening. "Fine, I'll give you that much. Your jammer is on. Now sing."

"No need to be rude. God, you're as bull-headed as your mother ever was." Ritsuko rolled her eyes, ignoring how Asuka's teeth gritted at the mention of Kyoko Soryu. "There's far too much for me to give you a top-down explanation right now. Ask me specifics, please."

"Specifics?!" Asuka growled, her clenched fists almost shaking with anger. "Well, how about we start with why one of my pilots - all of whom are under your medical care, remember - might be blacking out from fever, huh?"

"The hyperseretonemia hasn't progressed to seizures; Rei's prognosis is already much better than it was. She will recover." After all, even if she dies, Rei will always recover eventually.

"Nice answer. Real evasive," Asuka said icily. "I'm no doctor, so I don't really recognize that term, but I'd bet all the money I've ever owned that it's something to do with that cocktail of chemicals you feed her. Am I close?"

"Spot on, in fact. That said, her mix should have been stable. I can hardly be held responsible for her overdosing."

Asuka stepped towards the table, her posture surprisingly threatening for a young, unarmed teenager. "Why was she taking them in the first place?"

Ritsuko took a heavy drag on her cigarette, blowing the smoke straight at Asuka without shifting her expression a single millimeter. To her credit, the German didn't flinch away from the smoke cloud. "Good fucking question," Ritsuko mused, her tone idle. "Yeah, I know I'm the keeper of secrets around here, but I don't know everything. I don't even know if my mother knew that, and she designed the first formula… but she died not long after, so now only our glorious leader could tell you."

"What do you mean by the first formula?"

"Rei's metabolism is very adaptive to the presence of foreign adulterants. Within no more than a matter of months on any one drug, that drug's effects taper down to nothing as her body learns how to flush it out." Ritsuko tapped the ash off her cigarette. "I have a list of general classes of compounds that work, laid out by my mother and mandated by the Commander. I frequently have to rotate them - it seems like one compound or another is always failing, these days."

Asuka took a deep breath, forcing her fists to uncurl. "And you've no idea what this witches' brew is for?"

"Well, I have ideas. It keeps her docile, more dependent on the Commander's will than she might be otherwise. But it's a bit much for that task alone - and I don't know what else it's for."

Asuka's glare deepened. "Tell Rei to stop taking them."

"Oh? You'd order me, just like that?" Ritsuko's eyebrows rose as she took another drag on her cigarette. "At my own risk, I assume, so it'll be my neck on the block when Rei talks about it to the Commander."

"It'd be no less than you deserve," Asuka retorted harshly.

"Well, I certainly can't argue with that." Ritsuko stubbed out her cigarette, leaving the filter end lying on the table. "But, I must say, you sure have a lot of nerve. Demanding that I concede to your wishes? When you're the unarmed one, here?"

Asuka's eye twitched very slightly, but she gave no other hint of being intimidated. Oh, she has a real backbone on her. All the righteous fury Kyoko ever had, and then some. Hopefully it won't get her killed, like it did her mother…

"Count yourself lucky I'm unarmed," Asuka replied. "After what you've admitted to doing - to one of my pilots, count yourself very lucky."

"Bold words indeed." Ritsuko was struck with whimsical, though also objectively stupid, urge. She reached under her lab coat, unbuttoned the holster strap under her left shoulder, and deposited her Ruger pistol onto the table. Meeting Asuka's eyes, she gave the weapon a push, sliding it across the smooth steel to within the pilot's reach. "There, now you are armed. It's loaded. Feel stronger now?"

Ritsuko had expected the move to intimidate Asuka. Instead, however, her expression darkened with determination, and she picked up the gun with a firm grip. She murmured something in German as she did so, too low for Ritsuko to make out.

"What was that?"

Asuka looked up from the weapon in her hands, and raised it in the same motion. Her gun arm didn't shake, and her finger was straight beside the trigger. The Bundeswehr trained her well, it seems. No child should know her guns like that.

"I said, that was fucking stupid of you," Asuka said, softly, but clear as glass. With her other hand, she reached over the gun and flicked the safety off.

"Well, once again I find myself truly unable to disagree." With careful control, Ritsuko kept any trace of tremor out of her voice, and she reached into her pocket for another cigarette. "So, am I less lucky now that the tables have turned?"

"I don't know. Are you?" Asuka's glare turned into a snarl, and her finger moved over the trigger - ready to pull. She wouldn't be primed like that if she wasn't ready - or at least seriously testing herself -

Lowering the gun, Asuka clicked the safety back on as she set it down. "You're lucky I'm not as stupid as you," she said bitterly. "I know better, but in my shoes I wouldn't trust many teenagers to think it through."

"Well, it's good you learned it. Hold on to that," Ritsuko replied, her tone abrasive. "If you want to stay alive in this game, get used to being a small fish in a big pond."

"Ugh, spare me the self-righteous lecture, Gott. Now I wish I had shot you. Plenty of places to aim that would have been nonlethal and appropriately painful."

"Keep telling yourself that." Ritsuko stood, carelessly pushing her chair back behind herself. "Can I have my gun back? It was kind of expensive."

"Are you going to take Rei off those drugs?"

Ritsuko sighed heavily. "Yes, sure. Whatever. Well, except the raw LCL injections and NS supplement; those actually are necessary to sustain her health. But I'll take her off the psychiatric meds, at least."

"Then yeah, here you go." Asuka slid the pistol back across the table. Ritsuko picked it up slowly, buckling it back into its shoulder holster.

"Awfully trusting of you. I haven't even told you that much."

"You gave me a gun and let me draw on you, so you're not really one to talk, are you? And you've been armed this whole time otherwise, and you claim the room is soundproof, so. If you wanted me dead, I'd be dead. Being the best pilot wouldn't mean anything; I'm sure you wouldn't find it too hard to convince the Commander that I needed to die." Asuka shook her head, and walked over to the door. "Besides, I got what I came for. I don't need to hear the rest of your scheisse; you can sing that to the others."

Frowning, Ritsuko tilted her head. "The others?"

"Oh, yeah." The doors slid open as Asuka approached. "Get comfortable with the idea of spilling your secrets, 'cause there's a fucking line."

X-X-X

"Oh. You came."

Dimly, awareness seeps back. Floating in lukewarm, viscous liquid. There is an overpowering smell of blood.

LCL?

"I wasn't sure if you'd make it. You've become so much more real, recently." A soft chuckle. "The other one was so easy to reach, but it's hard to talk much with a tiny seed of a thing that hasn't yet left her womb."

Rei's eyes open. There is another being's face before her, about three feet away from her own.

The first thing she notices is that the face is upside-down. It doesn't seem too fantastic, however, in context - with softly lit LCL as far as the eye can see in every direction, and little discernible sense of gravity, perhaps Rei is the one who is the wrong way up.

The second thing she notices is that the face is that of a boy about her age, with very pale hair, and eyes like dark and clotting blood. The orange filter of the LCL washes out precise colors, but it is already clear that this boy is no normal lilin.

"Lilith?" He asks, smiling gently. "Or, Ayanami Rei? Which name do you prefer?"

Rei opens her mouth to speak, but not in answer. "Who are you?" she asks. "What is this?"

The boy's smile widens. "You can call me Kaworu," he replies.

Rei doesn't return the expression. "What is this?" She asks again.

"This is a dream, of course," Kaworu replies. "Do you not know what a dream is?"

Rei knows what a dream is. She's heard of them, if never experienced one herself. "Do you mean this is not real?"

"Oh, it's real. I simply use the medium of dreams, because a phone call, or seeing you in person, is something that would be closely monitored by my masters." His smile turned a little sad. "Yours too, I expect."

Rei struggles to reconcile the concepts, but her understanding fails. "If this is a dream, shouldn't that mean you aren't really here?"

Kaworu's smile turns to a smirk. "Come now, Ayanami Rei. Surely, you must know that the normal rules of what a human is or what they can do, don't apply to nephilim like you or I in the same way."

Rei's attention is captured. "You are like me? That cannot be true. I would have known if there was another Lilith."

"You would have?"

"I have known the presence of my past selves. It stands to reason."

Kaworu's smile is genial again. "Well, then I suppose you'll find out about Nine on your own, soon enough." He tilts his head. "I, however, am not a Lilith."

"What can you be, if not a Lilith?" Rei's expression doesn't change, but her voice carries a trace of confusion.

"You know as well as I do that there are not one, but two lifeseeds inhabiting this planet," Kaworu replies placidly.

"Adam."

"Just so."

"Then you are more angel than Lilith herself," Rei states. "You are NERV's enemy."

Kaworu's smile doesn't fade. "And yet I am at least as human as you are," he chuckles. "And I am not… exactly NERV's enemy, not in the way my siblings are. You're right in that I'm not NERV's ally, though."

"Then to whom do you answer?" Rei presses.

"I have a purpose, just like the other angels," Kaworu replies. "And just like you do. But unlike them, you and I have the gift of free will. We have the autonomy to follow our masters or subvert them, as we choose."

For the first time, Rei's expression cracks, and a tiny frown graces her face. "I do not understand."

"You will," Kaworu says, smiling brightly once more. "The choice will be forced upon you sooner or later. I already know what my decision will be - but do you, Lilith? Do you?"

"I do not understand…"

Kaworu frowns for a minute, but then his face smooths out into an enigmatically neutral look.

"Perhaps you do not need to, not yet," he says softly. "I would ask only, that you consider this question…"

Rei tilts her head slightly.

"Does your master truly deserve the loyalty you have placed in him? And…" he puts his finger on his lips thoughtfully. "And if your answer to that, is No… then, is there another, that you would rather serve?"

Rei blinks, saying nothing in reply.

"You need not answer right now, of course. Those questions are for you, not for me." He smiles again. "But, keep them in your thoughts. Be ready to answer them when you are asked again. If you wait too long, the choice will be forced upon you."

"I do not understand." Rei goes to take a step forward, but Kaworu doesn't grow any closer. He shakes his head gently.

"Goodbye, Ayanami Rei. Until we meet again."

"Wait," she says, her voice raised closer to a shout than it has ever been before. "I do not understand -"

X-X-X

This

This body is

This body is 10.59 years old

This body is 10.59 years old and its heart has beat 444,705,529 times

Rei's eyes snapped open. She immediately twitched, compulsively wrapping her arms around her body and curling herself into the fetal position.

What is happening to me? Why am I convulsing?

"Dammit. Ayanami! Calm down, you're safe!" Some barely-awake part of her brain recognized the voice as Maya Ibuki.

I'm cold. So cold…

A hand gripped Rei's shoulder, applying just enough force to turn her head upwards. A blurry glance showed her a figure with short, dark hair.

"L-Lieutenant," Rei managed to gasp. "Have - have I been hospitalized?"

"Yes, we brought you to the AEL because - hey, hey! Don't break your ribs there!" Maya grabbed Rei's wrists, peeling her arms away from her torso. "Calm down, please! You're safe. You're going to pull through this, okay?"

"Why, wh-" Rei shook her head, clenching her jaw in an attempt to quell the muscle spasms. "Why am I sh-shaking?" She managed at last.

"You mean, shivering?" Maya sounded confused, and she stood up, apparently looking around at the shelves.

"Is th-that the… yes." She didn't usually shiver from the cold, or usually feel much at all. Sometimes she had developed tremors shortly before Dr. Akagi would change her medication, but she had never called it 'shivering.'

"You're feverish, so you feel cold." The unfocused blur in Rei's vision began to clear, and she could see the Lieutenant wearing a wry smirk. "It's, you know, pretty common for people to shiver when you feel cold."

It's normal? I don't understand.

"Here, kid." Maya unfolded a blanket, laying it gently over Rei's still curled-up form. Rei twitched at the unexpected contact. "You know it's gonna be okay, right? You'll pull through this."

Of course I will pull through this. Even if I die, I will return to full function in time. "Y-you need not concern yourself with-"

"Hey. None of that, now." Maya crouched down so that her eye level lined up with Rei's, putting a hand on the pilot's shoulder. "I don't brook any 'tough soldier' talk when I'm on duty. You're in my care, so let me care for you."

Rei blinked as she tried to understand. However, her body was set against her: her head felt like it was stuffed with wool, and the warmth of the blanket - so oddly reminiscent of the warm LCL she'd felt around her in that strange dream - made her feel tired and lethargic. Thinking clearly for more than a few seconds took a great effort of will.

She let out an involuntary squeak as she yawned abruptly. Yawning is a reflexive response to shallow breathing, usually from fatigue -

"Sleepy?" Maya chuckled. "Give me a minute. I'm going to shine a light in your eyes, if that's okay."

Rei was confused. Being used to Ritsuko's medical oversight, she'd never been asked for permission in this context before. After a moment's deliberation, she nodded, and dutifully stared into the LED torch as Maya directed its light at her face.

"Pupillary response looks good… what's the last thing you remember?"

Rei struggled to think back. "I… I spoke to Lieutenant Langley-Soryu on the train home from school. I think."

I think?! How can my memories be uncertain?

"No amnesia, then. Good. I didn't think your temperature got high enough to be at risk of brain damage, but better safe than sorry." Maya clicked the torch off. "No seizures, fever down from the danger zone, and blood pressure seems normal. Good thing you're sleepy, because all you need right now is rest."

Rei met Maya's smile with her typically blank look. "I have pilot duties to attend to…"

"Yes you do," Maya nodded. "Starting with getting back to full health. So don't even think about getting up and trying to go back to battle duty. Hyperseretonemia can be life-threatening! What you need right now is rest and recovery."

"But…"

"Do you really want to be up and walking around right now?"

"What I want does not matter, I need -"

"Do you really think you can stand up and walk around right now?" Maya folded her arms. "Stand up and walk ten paces. If you can do that I'll let you go."

To her credit, Rei gave it an effort. She managed to push herself into a sitting position, allowing the blanket to slide down and reveal that she was still dressed in her now disheveled and sweat-stained school uniform. However, when she tried to move off the hospital bed, her arms gave out and she fell back.

Maya gently pulled the blanket back over her. "Sleep tight, kid," she said, a kind look on her face. "Barring an angel attack, the horrors of tomorrow will wait at least that long."

X-X-X