It seems like this story is no longer listed under "pairing: Rei, Asuka" on FFN... I can't figure out how to report this to FFN staff (assuming FFN even still has any staff), can anyone help a tired author out? I'd rather not let it sit delisted but I also don't want to make a Twitter account just to tweet once at another Twitter account.

Also I don't really know how wash-out dyes work? I've only ever had more permanent dye in my hair and when it's new it leaches a bit when it gets wet... I don't know if real wash-out dye would mark someone's skin if they were fidgeting with dry hair.

X-X-X

Chapter 38

The World Is My Expense

X-X-X

White walls, white floor, white lights in a white ceiling. A hint of the smell of isopropanol.

Once, the ambience of D-Wing had brought comfort.

This body is 10.76 years old and its heart has beat 451,574,756 times.

Rei would have stopped outside the door, but the automatic sensors in NERV HQ were too good; while she made to hesitate, the door slid open under its own power, without any sound save the faint movement of the air. The decision made for her, Rei stepped forward.

The number of machines clustered around the bed was alarming. There were electrodes attached to his head by a complex assembly of straps, and by their silhouettes under his thin hospital gown, more electrodes attached to his chest. Three separate intravenous drips fed liquid into veins in his upper arms, two clear, one orange; further down, his wrists and hands bore a lingering redness from the tail end of LCL overpressure rash.

And his eyes were open.

"... Ikari."

Shinji blinked, painfully slowly, then nodded. The EEG beeped softly as it picked up increased neural activity.

"How long have you been awake?"

"Think... last night," Shinji managed, his voice thin and scratchy from weeks of disuse. He looked over to the other wall, where an analog clock hung as the only decoration adorning sterile white paneling.

"Does Major Katsuragi know?"

"Yeah." Shinji coughed weakly, drawing another breath. "They told her. Right away. No one... else. Not supposed to have. Visitors, right now."

"I see. Should I leave?"

"N-no... good to see another friendly face."

My face is friendly? "Very well. Please tell me if you feel over-stimulated at any point."

Shinji let out a short laugh, which immediately turned into another cough. "Sure," he managed. "Had... seizures. Just after wake. It's what the... hat is for."

"I see." Rei felt a vague sense that she should try to be comforting, but nothing came to mind. "Am I correct to guess you should not be eating solid food yet?"

Shinji slowly rocked his head from side to side. "We'll try, in a few days, they said."

"Very well. Asuka gave us all German candies as Christmas gifts, but they will keep longer than a few days."

Shinji's face pinched up in a pouty expression. "Meeeh. Now I want them..."

"Not without medical approval."

Shinji huffed, but nodded. "So... anything else? Going on out there, in a pilot's world?"

Rei gave her own measured nod in response. "Yes. A new pilot has been assigned to NERV-J from the Russian division." She carefully revisited the memory. "The Fourth Child of Marduk's reports."

"What're they like?"

He is the half-angel child of an alien god and likely born to destroy the world as we know it.

"Tall, silver hair, hazel eyes, answers to Nagisa Kaworu."

The EEG beeped faster as Shinji's eyes widened. "No... no way."

"Did I say something wrong?" Rei frowned, tilting her head. "Are you already familiar with Nagisa?"

"Yeah. I think I met... yeah, he even introduced himself. Few days back... well... weeks back, now...?"

If Nagisa contacted Shinji unbeknownst to Major Katsuragi or the Commander... what could that mean? SEELE seeks to defang NERV, but I feel like this is not about taking Ishtar off the service roster.

"Perhaps he arrived ahead of schedule out of impatience," Rei offered, as much for her own benefit as Shinji's. "Like Asuka did."

For a moment, her mind's eye was back in the memory of that painful day - the walkway shaking, the gurney falling, the strong arms catching her and holding her tight.

Shinji chuckled, then coughed. But he kept smiling. "You and her, huh?"

Rei tilted her head to the same incline in the other direction. "... What about I and her, huh?"

"You two... like... together, now? I wasn't a hundred percent certain, but it... seemed that way."

Rei looked away, abruptly feeling shy. "Yes, we are together."

"Hey, good for you... you two seem to make each other happy."

"Yes."

Shinji's eyelids were heavy. "I should probably... rest, now."

"Farewell, then. And rest well."

X-X-X

Outside is scary when you're small!

All the... little terrain? Cars! They're big now, and they move fast! Seeing them on TV is nothing like seeing them up close.

(And even on these safe paths, the noise is too much. They're so close.)

"Hey. Come on, now. Stay close."

I almost lost Kaji! Terrifying.

"Keep ahold of my hand for now. It'll be quieter inside."

He takes the hand that I was messing with my hair with. I guess I gotta use my other hand to mess with my hair, which is black and smells weird now. Kaji said he had to 'dye' it before I could go outside. I know they're hiding me from something. Something dangerous.

But I trust Kaji - he's always very nice to me, almost as nice as Mom.

"Ah, here we are."

He changed direction to go inside a building full of tables. I didn't fall over when he pulled me, this time.

(I hardly ever fall over anymore. Mom says my balance is much better now. Moving this small body used to be so... clumsy.)

Kaji sits down at one of the tables, and I follow his lead. He hands me a stiff piece of plastic.

Oh, I've seen this on the TV. This is a 'menu'... this place must be a 'restaurant'.

I look back up at Kaji and cock my head.

"This is a breakfast place, so its menu should be pretty simple and it shouldn't be too busy this time of day. Pick something you think you'll like."

Frown.

"No, don't pretend you can't read it. I know your reading is way ahead of your speech, and there are helpful little pictures."

Defeated, I hide my face behind the menu. Kaji's right - it is pretty easy to read. ... And this... 'Miso broth with Fried Tofu and Onion', Mom makes something like that for me, sometimes...

I put down the menu, nodding to Kaji.

"Picked one? Good." He sits back, then awkwardly folds his arms. "Now we wait for the waitstaff to spot that we're ready."

Frowning, I make a gesture with my arm.

"No, no. We're going to wait until they have time for us. It always pays off to be nice to waitstaff - they see and hear much more than people think they do." Kaji shrugged. "As well as, they're humans like us, just working to get by, deserving as much basic respect as anyone else."

Bothering Kaji is useless when he's like this. Like most boring times, I decide to fall back on self-diagnostics.

Heart Rate: Normal

Core Temperature: Normal

Mean Dermal Temperature: Low (rising)

Nerve Feedback Ping: 0.01s

Humans like us. I'm a human like them? I'm the same shape as them, but I don't think I'm the same as them. Most humans don't have metal circles on the backs of their heads. And I... was once a giant, fighting, hurting another giant.

Then my train of thought is broken by a waiter coming up to the table.

"Hello! Are you two ready to order?"

"Ah, yes. I'll have the number three, please."

The waiter looks over to me, and I point to the fifth line, nodding my head. The waiter raises their eyebrow and looks back at Kaji.

That wasn't clear enough?

"She's not very talkative around strangers, but I assure you, she can read. Bring her what she wants."

Shrugging, the waiter takes our menus and heads back to the door marked KITCHEN.

"Hey," Kaji says, lowering his voice a little. "If you're really uncomfortable, we can leave anytime. I thought that... I don't know, this might be a good enrichment experience? But I'm not going to force you though this."

See? Always nice to me.

I shake my head, though, because now I'm hungry. And I don't know what 'en-rich-mint' means, but this place is new and interesting, and it's a lot less scary here. It's quieter and there are no cars.

It might even be worth the weird smell in my hair.

"The dye will wash out in three to five washes, even with your pale hair. Quit messing with it."

Why? I do the question gesture again.

"Apart from looking strange, you might get dye on your fingers."

I look at my hand. My fingers are covered in dark lines. Oops.

I fold my hands on my lap, and go back to self-diagnostics until the waiter brings us our food.

The miso is okay, but the onions are nicer when Mom makes it.

X-X-X

The damaged plastic of the pen lid finally gave way, and Ritsuko felt her teeth scraping the harder plastic of the pen's body. She frowned, tossed the pen lid into the trash can, and began chewing the newly exposed plastic.

She'd been destroying pens much faster recently. Keeping her mouth busy helped with the cigarette cravings, and she didn't want to smoke when she was at home with Kyū.

Leaning back against the couch, she turned the page of the novel she was reading. It was an old paperback fantasy (her work had long since drained the joy out of science fiction), published a little over a year after second impact. It also took more focus than she had expected - her reading comprehension of the English language had grown rusty.

Once, she would have spent her rare nights at home, reading reports she had brought home from work.

Don't be thinking about work, Ritsuko. Leave the science in the laboratory and just... be home.

There was a noise from the other room, and Ritsuko's ears pricked up; but after a moment, it became clear that Kyū was just shifting around on the bed, probably finding a different position to read her manga.

It had taken some convincing (and cautious assessment of the child's tastes), but Kyū now actually spent more time reading than watching daytime television. Manga and light novels marketed to tweens weren't much higher-brow media, but at least they were variety, and it wasn't like Ritsuko couldn't afford to spoil her.

Out here getting paid like a Colonel, and I couldn't even be bothered to order expensive wine when I used to go out with Misato...

Sighing, Ritsuko returned to her book, making an effort to focus. It was a good story, really - and the fact that the story followed a child born into magical circumstances and secrecy, struck a note in the good doctor's heart.

Her focus was broken again when there was a distinct squeak from the other room. This time, she felt a worried frown cross her face before she could stop it.

"... Kyū?"

"Mom!"

Ritsuko's jaw dropped as Kyū came dashing out of the other room to climb up into her lap, knocking the book to the floor.

"Oof - child, you're bigger than you think you are," Ritsuko grunted. "What's wrong?"

"Mom."

"Y- yeah. That's me." She hugged Kyū close. "I'm your mom, you cute little dummy plug."

"It hurts."

Ritsuko stiffened. "What hurts, Kyū?"

"It hurts, the -" Kyū hid her face in Ritsuko's shoulder.

Dammit, it's really hard to tell what she needs when she won't face me...

"What hurts, Kyū?" Ritsuko repeated. But the child didn't make any further noise, and made no move to pull away.

Sighing, Ritsuko stopped stroking Kyū's hair and, as gently as possible, tugged the child's head away from her shoulder.

"What hurts?"

Kyū just pinched her face up in non-specific distress.

Okay, maybe full sentences was a lot to hope for. Ritsuko resisted the reflex to sigh again. I really should have looked deeper into teaching her JSL... but I just can't imagine making that work and keeping her existence under wraps from Section-2 at the same time...

"Noise!"

Ritsuko's attention snapped back to the child in her lap. "There's... a noise that's hurting you?

Nod, nod.

Ritsuko just blinked, bewildered. The apartment was quiet as far as she could tell.

"I... I don't hear anything, Kyū," Ritsuko said at length, thinking carefully about how to phrase her questions. "Is it a noise you've heard before?"

Nod, nod.

Well, that's concerning.

Kyū uncurled herself, then climbed off Ritsuko's lap to walk briskly into the bedroom. A moment later, she returned, a familiar Faraday bag in her hands.

"Oh, Kyū - please don't play with that. Here, give it to me -"

The child took out the NERV-issue phone and handed it over, but held the bag away from Ritsuko. "Wait," she stammered. "Soon. Noise you heard before."

Ritsuko looked down at the phone - just in time for a familiar shrill ringing to pierce the air, and the screen to light up with a yellow NERV logo and the word EMERGENCY.

Oh. Interesting... she's more sensitive to foreign AT energy than Rei, huh? Who would have guessed.

She popped the phone open and pulled the battery, silencing the alarm.

And she's picked up on this pattern already.

"It's... an Angel, Kyū. You're hearing an Angel." She stood up, and looked her daughter in the eye. "A giant monster that wants to kill us all. But you already knew that, didn't you? Clever girl."

Nod, nod.

"I have to go." And fast, before Sec-2 gets worried and tries to manually geolocate this phone. "But I'll come back, okay? As long as I'm able, I'll come back for you."

Kyū darted forward to wrap her arms around Ritsuko in a quick but crushing hug. Then she pulled away just as quickly to wave goodbye, a sad expression already forming on her face.

"Be good, now," Ritsuko managed, pulling her shoes on and double-timing it to the front door. "Kaji should be coming around soon."

X-X-X

In the beginning of the last scene, Ritsuko is reading The Bone Doll's Twin (2001) by Lynn Flewelling. It's a very good book, but I would qualify that I only recommend it if you're okay with reading about 1) children struggling through painful circumstances with little support and 2) intense transgender subtext.