A/N: All flashbacks here!
"JJ?"
She pushed on the door, finding JJ's bedroom in darkness. The bed was a mess, the blankets having fallen off the side and down to the floor, clothes strewn all around.
Sandy's heart ached. JJ was usually such a tidy kid. The warning signs of depression seemed to be staring her in the face from all angles, and suddenly, Sandy just wanted to wrap her little girl in her arms and protect her.
She wasn't going to let her end up the same way Roslyn had.
"JJ? Are you in here?" she called softly, stepping into the room and closing the door.
A rustle from JJ's closet drew her attention. Turning slowly, she made her way over to the door that was slightly ajar, pulling it open.
It was there that she found JJ, curled up on the floor amongst a nest of blankets and pillows. Her favourite stuffed dog was clutched tightly in her arms, her face buried into a pillow.
"JJ?"
JJ barely flinched, her face never moving to meet her mother's.
Swallowing hard against the tears, Sandy pulled the door back to the ajar position it had been in before, before sinking to the floor beside her daughter. Shuffling JJ's shoes out of the way, she lay down behind JJ, gently pulling her baby girl into her arms.
She half expected JJ to fight it, when she so clearly just wanted to be shut off from the world and left alone, but to her surprise, JJ warmed to her touch, cuddling against her ever so slightly even as she refused to acknowledge her mom's presence.
The emotion threatened to overwhelm her as she clutched her baby to her chest, the pain and reality of the situation swirling around her like a fog.
Right here, right now, JJ was slipping away from them. Just eleven years old, the grief and trauma had pushed her to the point where she was shutting down. And if she and Michael didn't intervene soon… if they couldn't get through to her… the grief was going to kill her.
"I love you JJ," Sandy breathed, lifting a hand to brush JJ's hair out of her face. JJ didn't move a muscle, and for the first time, Sandy wondered if she was actively hearing anything going on around her.
Her resolve stiffened even as her heart ached. She had to try. She had to do something.
"Do you remember when you were little? And you and… Ros… used to build cubbies in your closets? You would pull all the blankets off your beds and drag them in here. Then one of you, usually you because you were the quickest, would steal all the tinsel from my Christmas box to decorate," Sandy said softly, chuckling to herself as she remembered catching JJ red handed when she was halfway up the stairs with the tinsel. "I never used to be able to find you guys. You would sit in here for hours, giggling and laughing as you played. And… oh… remember when I found out Ros was writing Jason's English assignments?" Sandy continued. She managed a little laugh. "Oh, your brother thought he had it so good"
She clutched JJ tighter, fighting back the tears that were burning her eyes. Even though it hurt, she had to talk about her oldest daughter. They all did. Or the pain would sink them.
She'd finally relented, allowing her mom to take her to the gym after nearly two weeks away from the sport.
But when she'd arrived, her eyes had landed on the girls tumbling seamlessly across the floor. Every muscle in her body had shrivelled at the sight, regret sinking into her stomach as she realised how much regression two weeks off would have caused.
She didn't have the energy to take part, and Nick must have picked up on that. He had gently led her towards the stack of foam blocks, allowing her to sit and watch the girls train.
So that was where she was. Knees pulled up to her chest, eyes cast down to the floor. Her little mind trying desperately not to wander to the visions of a big sister who wouldn't be waiting for her when she got home. Every day was a constant battle of trying not to let the pain crack her in two, but some days, like today, it was nearly impossible.
Glancing down, her eyes fell to her toes. The chipped blue polish still stared back at her, just as it had since the night before Ros died. Her sister had decided to treat her for the night, carefully filing and buffing each of her constantly dirty, chalky fingernails and toenails, before covering them with a sleek blue polish. When it was all said and done, Ros had given her her necklace, before promising her that she would always love her.
Tears bubbled in her throat. She didn't want to look up, for every swish of blonde hair, whether it was from one of the girls or Lacey, sent a painful stab into her heart. But she had to, because looking at her toes just served to make the pain even worse.
"Hey kiddo"
The block shifted slightly beneath her as her coach sat down beside her. Around the gym, the activity continued, voices of the coaches floating across the large open space as they directed the groups in training.
"Do you want to stay? Or do you want to go home?"
"Stay," JJ croaked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Nick took a deep breath, nodding as he gazed around the gym, before bringing his eyes to the little girl sitting beside him.
"JJ… I'm sorry about what happened to Rosaline," he said softly, noticing when she buried her face in her folded arms. "It's not fair… in fact it's downright awful. And I'm sorry your family is going through this"
JJ said nothing, simply swallowing back the sobs that were threatening to break forth.
"It's ok to cry about it," Nick said, bringing a gentle hand to her back as her sobs began to escape. "Especially if it helps you to feel better"
JJ lifted her face, bringing her little fists up to her eyes and pressing them hard. She was trying desperately to stop the tears, and that thought only made Nick hurt more.
"JJ, it's ok," he said gently, putting his arm lightly around her thin shoulders. "You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to cry. And-" he trailed off, sliding from the block to kneel before JJ. Carefully, he reached up and pulled her hands away from her face so she could see him. "Here, you're safe. No-one is going to judge you if you get upset. You lost your sister, and that's a really hard thing to have happen to you at any age, let alone at ten"
He swallowed hard, fighting back the lump in his throat as he looked up at JJ's tear streaked face. "If you come in and all you can do is sit here and cry, that's alright," he said gently. "You're hurting, and that's ok, you're allowed to be. I'm not going to make you train if you don't want to, or don't have the energy to, because right now, you have a lot going on"
JJ managed the smallest of nods, tears still tracking down her cheeks as Nick stood up and gently pulled her to her feet. She buried her face in her hands as he pulled her in for a hug.
Going elite… making the national team, going to worlds… the Olympics… none of it mattered.
Not if Ros wasn't going to be there to see it.
"Mom?" JJ said after ten minutes of silence as they pulled up at a red light.
"Yeah baby?"
"Why do you and Daddy fight all the time?"
Sandy stayed silent, staring forcefully out the window as JJ watched her, waiting for a response.
"I hear you fighting… even at night, when you think I'm sleeping," JJ said softly, knowing her mom was thinking of the best way to deny it. "I try to go to sleep, but it's so hard… I just lay awake… worrying"
Sandy let out a deep breath, slowly pressing her foot to the accelerator as the traffic lights changed to green. "We're just… we're sad, JJ. And sometimes when you're sad… it turns into anger," she said thickly. "Sometimes… things happen, and you're so full of sadness that there's no room for anything else… and you have to move on"
JJ stared at her mom for a moment, processing what she had just said. "Are you and Daddy not in love?" she asked, not noticing when Sandy's breath caught in her chest. Sandy sniffed, her grip on the steering wheel tightening.
"No, we are, sweetheart, it's just… hard. We're very sad, baby," she said tearfully.
JJ swallowed hard, her eyes filling with tears as well. "Do I make you sad? Because I look like Ros?" she asked in a shaky voice. "Are you gonna move on from me?"
Sandy let out a sob, pulling the car over onto the shoulder immediately. Unbuckling her belt with shaking hands, she quickly got out of the car, walking around to JJ's door and pulling it open. Without any hesitation, she unbuckled JJ's belt, before pulling her youngest child into a tight hug.
"I will never move on from you, baby girl. I will never stop loving you," she said through tears, clutching JJ to her chest. "You are the light of our lives, JJ, and you could never ever be the reason for this kind of sadness"
JJ gave a sniffle, clutching at her mom's shirt as the tears began to roll down her cheeks.
"I don't want you and Daddy to break up," she sobbed, making Sandy's heart ache. "It would make everything worse"
Sandy swallowed hard, smoothing JJ's ponytail down her back.
"We're trying, baby. I promise we're trying," she breathed, pulling away and cupping JJ's face in her hands. Through tears, she gave her daughter a small smile, lifting her thumbs to wipe the tears from JJ's cheeks.
"Do you still want to go to gym?" she asked softly. "We could give it a miss today… go and get some ice-cream?"
JJ sniffed, bringing one hand up to her mom's. "I think I still want to go… but could we go for ice-cream later? After dinner? Daddy could come too"
Sandy took a deep breath, before nodding slowly.
"I think that's a wonderful idea baby girl"
Sitting across from her daughter in the booth, Sandy watched her with a little smile as they waited for Michael to come back. For the first time in a long time, JJ looked happy. She was kicking her legs under the table, bopping along to whatever song was playing through her head.
As she studied her daughter, it hit Sandy just how little JJ was. Not so much in stature, even though she was easily the smallest kid in her grade. She was just eleven… which, considering the tragedy she had recently faced, was incredibly young.
"Ok, ice-cream shouldn't be long," Michael said warmly as he approached the table again. "Who am I sitting with today?"
"Me!" JJ exclaimed, shuffling over so her dad could sit down. Michael chuckled, sliding onto the seat and settling in opposite his wife.
"So, Bug, what did you do at gymnastics today?" he asked, turning to look at his little girl.
"Lots of running. Nick says we need more stam… stan… I can't remember," JJ replied.
"Stamina," Sandy said softly, a smile crossing her face.
"Yeah, that. So we did lots of running, rope climbing, and conditioning. But then I got to learn a layout on beam!"
"Wow!" Michael exclaimed. "Did you do it?"
"Well, I fell. Lots," JJ giggled. "But I did it on my tenth try!"
"Good girl," Michael praised, putting his arm around JJ and giving her a squeeze.
"And how was school today?" Sandy asked.
"It was ok," JJ replied, her voice getting softer. Her eyes fell to the top of the table, piquing Sandy's interest.
"Did something happen?"
JJ shrugged.
"Come on Jaybird… what's up?" Michael said gently.
"I failed another math test," JJ said, so quietly Sandy barely heard her. Her little eyes began to well with tears as she looked up at her mom. "I'm sorry… I tried so hard"
"Oh baby, I'm sure you did," Sandy said gently. "It's ok to have mistakes. Maybe from now on, we can help you with your math, ok?"
"Ok," JJ choked out, leaning in when Michael wrapped his arm around her to give her a hug.
Moments later, the waitress was bringing their ice-creams to the table.
"Alright, I have a Hazelnut Chocolate Delight?" she said cheerily. Sandy lifted her hand, smiling as the young girl placed the sweet treat in front of her.
"Chocolate Mint Heaven?"
Michael gestured that it was his, taking it from the girl's hand so she could balance the tray.
"And a Rocky Rocky Road"
"Ooh, that's mine," JJ said excitedly, her eyes lighting up as her parents laughed. The young girl grinned, reaching over and placing the sundae down in front of her.
"There you go sugar. Is there anything else I can get for you?"
"I think we're ok for now, thank you," Michael said warmly.
"Alright, just call out if you need anything," the girl said with a smile, before turning and leaving them alone.
"Are you going to finish that whole ice-cream? It's almost bigger than you!" Sandy teased, making JJ laugh.
"Yes, yes, yes!" JJ exclaimed, picking up her spoon and shoving it straight into the ice-cream. Michael chuckled, shaking his head as he too dug into the sweet treat.
They ate comfortably in silence for a little while. They were all about halfway through their desserts when JJ giggled, sneakily reaching over and trying to sneak her spoon into her dad's ice-cream.
"Hey!" Michael laughed as she snatched a mouthful and stuck it in her mouth. "You're going to pay for that. Time for the dad tax"
JJ giggled, trying to hide her dessert as Michael reached for it. Sandy had to grin as she watched her husband tickling JJ's sides, before managing to scoop a little of her ice-cream as well.
"Mmm…. that's good!" Michael said, exaggerating his words. "I might have to have yours instead!"
"No!" JJ laughed, shuffling across the seat and clutching her dish.
As she watched them laughing and goofing off just like they used to, Sandy felt a warmth growing in her chest. Sure, there was a rift between her and her husband right now… a broken bond that neither of them were quite sure how to fix. But through it all, they were united by one thing. United by their beautiful, bubbly, talented little girl, who shone light into their lives every day as a physical representation of their love.
Laughing as she watched Michael swipe some ice-cream across JJ's cheek, Sandy relaxed in her seat. While the pain was one of the overwhelming things uniting them right now, this small moment, watching her baby laughing with her husband, was reminding her that beyond the pain, they had love. They had hope. They had each other.
If she and Michael had to swim to the depths of the ocean and back again to stay strong for JJ, they would.
There wasn't a lot she wouldn't do right now to try and keep what was left of their little family together.
Things were getting better, but she was still hurting. Every morning she had a few minutes where she didn't remember what had happened and then suddenly it would come rushing back. In the three months since Ros had died, that tiny reprieve had become shorter and shorter.
But she was trying. She was trying so hard. Even on days when she just wanted to hide under her covers and cry, she got up and got dressed. She went to school, she went to gymnastics, she did her homework. She really was trying.
She tried to convince herself she was lucky. She didn't have her big sister, but she still had Jason. She had her parents. She had her friends.
Except today, something was wrong with Will.
He had been out of school for several days, but now that he was back he wasn't his normal goofball self. Standing in the hallway, waiting for class to start, she had tried to ask him where he'd been, if he had been sick, but he shrugged her off and kept his eyes on the ground. Finally, she gave up and they stood together in silence.
All day during class he was the same. A few times, JJ could swear she saw him wiping away tears behind his science book, but when she asked if he was okay he had just grunted.
She had been home from gymnastics for ten minutes when someone rang the doorbell. She opened it to see Will on her doorstep.
"What's up?" she asked, slightly confused.
He looked up from his shoes and she could see he was upset.
"Come on," she said softly. He followed her through the house and out the back door. They crossed the backyard and she scrambled onto the trampoline. He followed her up but then sat down cross legged instead of beginning to jump. She sat beside him.
"There was a hurricane back in New Orleans," he told her.
"Yeah. It was on the news. My mom said it's like a really big thunderstorm, right?"
He shrugged. "Kind of. Except the wind gets really fast and everything floods and the buildings get torn down." He took a deep breath. "My grandpa died in it."
Her tummy ache intensified. "I'm sorry, Will."
"We had to go back for the funeral."
She nodded then had a thought. "But how? Why didn't he just leave? Why did he stay?"
He looked up at her with angry eyes. "He couldn't leave."
"But why? Why couldn't he go somewhere safe?"
"I don't know, JJ he just died!"
"Well he should have saved himself like everybody else!"
"You mean like Ros?" he asked sarcastically. She felt her face get really hot and she wrapped her arms around her knees. He let out a breath, before reaching out and patting her back. "I'm sorry, JJ."
"It's alright," she said quietly. He laid back to look up at the sky, making her turn to look at him. "Do you miss him?"
He nodded and tears began to flow down his cheeks. "A lot."
"This sucks." She laid down beside him. They kept silent for a few moments and then she took his hand in hers. "I don't understand why people have to die."
"Me neither. I mean... I understand that he was getting old and someday he would have had to die, but why now?"
"I don't know." She sniffed as she began to cry too. "Ros promised that she would teach me how to put on makeup. And I know that's dumb and my mom can do it but she promised. And now she's gone."
Will said nothing, but in his usual sweet nature, he squeezed her hand.
After nearly ten minutes Sandy leaned out the back door. "Dinner's ready!"
They both began to climb down.
"I'm sorry JJ."
"Me too." They gave each other a quick hug then hurried inside.