A/N: MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER!
Water beat down on her skin, scalding hot as she stood there, clutching herself beneath the shower head. She'd been standing there, motionless as the water turned her skin bright pink, for nearly ten minutes. Her mind was running a million miles a minute, but all of her thoughts were near enough the same.
Today was the eleventh of August. The day of the hotly anticipated all-around final. But more importantly, for JJ, it was exactly a month since her dad had passed away.
The grief had weighed more heavily on her from the moment she had opened her eyes, but today, she was determined to keep it together. She and Simone had a job to do. Maybe it wasn't the same job… but a job nonetheless.
After finally exiting the shower, JJ dressed ready for the day. The previous evening, she had picked out the blue and white ombre leotard with the bold red neckline. But that morning, it just hadn't felt like the right choice. After a few minutes of perusal, she eventually decided on the red crystal studded leotard, the one that happened to remind her of the one they had worn in London for the team final. It was so perfect, she even managed a small smile as she packed it into her bag. For now, she pulled on one of the training leos, covering it with her blue warm-ups. After packing her bag for the competition, she walked out into the main living area. It was quiet, with only Aimee to be heard in one of the other rooms, muttering to herself. JJ guessed everyone else must have gone down to the main cafeteria already.
As she was about to turn and leave to head down for breakfast, something caught her eye out on the balcony. Turning, she was surprised to see Simone out there, dressed and ready to go as she gazed out across the Village courtyard.
Dropping her bag on one of the beanbags, JJ walked over and slowly pushed open the door.
"Hey," she said softly as she stepped out onto the balcony, sliding the door closed behind her. "You ok?"
Pulled from her reverie, Simone looked up at JJ, looking somewhat surprised. She immediately softened, an expression of sadness crossing into her eyes.
"It's been a month since your dad died... and you're asking me if I'm ok?"
"Yeah," JJ replied, ignoring the pain the mention of her dad had caused as she leant against the balcony railing. "Are you?"
Simone took a deep breath, looking down at her hands as JJ watched on patiently. It was some time before she finally spoke, having struggled to find the words she really needed to say. "I'm... I'm scared I'm going to let them down," she said, so quietly that she almost sounded nothing like herself.
"Who?" JJ asked gently.
"Everyone," Simone replied, looking up to meet JJ's gaze.
In that moment, JJ suddenly realised just how much pressure Simone was under. Not just from her own expectations, but from those of the world too. For three years, Simone had been protected by a bubble. The bubble in which lived the world of gymnastics. Outside of the gymnastics community, barely anyone had known her name, and that had allowed her a relatively easy trail through the quad, with the only external pressure coming from fans of the sport. But now, it was the Olympic Games. A whole new ballgame, the one sporting event the world ground to a halt for. Simone's expected success had been drummed up by commentators worldwide, and now, even people who had never heard her name before were expecting her to win.
"Hey," JJ said reassuringly, reaching out and covering Simone's hand with hers. "Don't think about what the world wants from you. It's not their life, and it's not their dream. It's yours. The only expectations that matter today are yours"
Simone nodded slightly, her gaze falling back towards the buildings opposite their balcony. "I feel like today is going to be a good day… but at the same time… I'm a little scared," she admitted.
JJ nodded, managing a small smile as she squeezed Simone's hand. "That's totally understandable. But don't be scared… you're Simone Biles. You're going to do great"
It had come on so suddenly.
She had been standing by the floor in the training gym, ready to run her tumbling passes, when all of a sudden, she'd felt like her chest was closing up and panic had set in.
"JJ, you need to breathe out, breathe out"
There were voices all around her. She felt like she was surrounded by people, suffocating… trapped.
"I can't breathe," she gasped through panicked tears, doubling over with a hand clutched to her chest as her knees hit the floor. "I can't breathe!"
"Force yourself to breathe out," came Aimee's voice, commanding but gentle as she brought a hand to JJ's upper back. "Breathing in will just make you hyperventilate, so you need to breathe out"
In her hyper vigilant panic, she could see Simone staring at her in shock. Marta was talking quietly and urgently to Rhonda… where was Nick?
And then he was in front of her, blocking her view and filling her vision. His hands came to her shoulders, grounding her, protecting her.
"Look at me," he said softly. "You're ok. I need you to do what Aimee says. You're going to pass out if you don't make yourself breathe out"
It seemed to take every ounce of energy she had, but somehow, she was able to force the air out of her lungs. The iron hand in her chest immediately seemed to let go, allowing her to take a few shaky breaths. Her entire body sagged, her head dropping to rest on the carpeted floor as her chest heaved with fresh air.
"JJ, I'm pulling you out"
"No!" JJ protested, snapping her head up to look at her coach. Marta was now standing behind her, her mouth set in a thin line as she observed the situation before her.
"You just had a panic attack, what's going to happen when you go out there to compete?" Nick said gently. "You're still shaking, you're white as a sheet… JJ, I really think we need to pull you out. Aly's warm, she can go in your place"
"No, no," JJ said firmly, pulling backwards and rising to her feet. She stumbled backwards slightly on the edge of the carpet, but caught herself, her pale face suddenly defiant and fiery. "I'm fine, I qualified, it's my place, I'm going to compete!"
"JJ-"
"I'm fine!" JJ cut in. "Please… I have to do this… I want to do it. I'm telling you I'm fine, so please listen to me"
Marta and Nick shared a look. After a tense silence, Marta nodded once, before turning back to JJ.
"You can compete. But if I don't think you are ready before we go to the warmup at the arena, Aly will go in your place"
Her jaw set, JJ nodded in agreement, as much as she didn't want to. Turning away from the two coaches, she went back to her bag to grab her water bottle, fighting to calm her breathing and her heart rate as she did.
She was not going to let her own mind be her worst enemy today.
The butterflies had been running rampant in her stomach all day. But after a walk outside the training gym in the aftermath of the panic attack, she'd gone right back to it and had stunned them all with how rock solid she looked. She was feeling more confident, more prepared to take on the final. A good solid workout had helped shake away the rockiness of her morning, and despite the lingering weight on her shoulders, she was ready to go.
Right now, she stood waiting at the end of the runway, ready to get her competition off to a good start. A few of the jitters were still hanging around, but she hoped a solid vault would shake them off.
"Push hard off the table, tight through your shoulders, wrap in the twist. Feel for the landing. You got this kiddo," Nick called encouragingly from the sidelines. JJ nodded, adjusting her left wrist guard once more.
"First of the two Americans, we've got Jennifer Jareau. She's had a hell of a year… she won the American Cup in March, then fell apart on night one of nationals, but restated her case for the team at Trials. Sadly, the night after the team was announced, her dad passed away after less than a year of battling cancer, so she's had a lot going on for her outside of gymnastics as well. Hopefully, after her stellar performance in the team final, she can put on a brilliant show here as well"
Her green light flashed. Waiting a moment, she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before she stepped out onto the runway.
"Come on JJ, let's go!" Will yelled out, clapping his hands together as he leaned forward somewhat nervously. Being seated in the same block as the Team USA cohort, Aly, Laurie, and Madison had all moved up to sit beside him in the cluster of seats surrounding the Jareaus. Aly was sitting beside him, chatting quietly with Laurie as she kept one eye on the competition.
Stepping back, JJ tapped her foot once, before taking off down the runway amidst the excited noise of the crowd.
She hurdled, turning onto the springboard and flipping back onto the table. Her repulsion was strong, tight, just like Nick had instructed her.
She knew she was still a little slow to wrap in the twist, and hence, she took a hop forward on the landing, but overall, it was still a great vault, and a great start to her competition.
"Not a bad start! She can do better, and when you consider Simone will probably be a couple of tenths better than her, she might have been better off with a cleaner vault. However, she will make up ground over Simone on bars and beam. I actually think today could be a closer contest than usual"
Simone had soared through vault as was expected, and by the time they entered the second rotation, she was just in front of the pack by a tenth or so.
JJ had started off strong on the uneven bars. She'd found her rhythm early on and put it to good use, nailing one of her best sets for a 15.366. Simone had followed with a good, steady routine that had become the stock standard of the young Texan.
JJ had to remind herself not to watch the scoreboard as they moved around to beam. She was still calm and collected, and she wanted to keep her mind focused. Besides… she didn't need to watch the scoreboard to know Simone was going to win. Allowing herself a small smile at that thought, she continued to warm up for her pet apparatus.
Sometime later, she was up as the final competitor on beam. A heavy feeling had started to sink into her chest as the green light came on, but once again, she closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she forcefully pushed away the weight in her stomach, before turning and saluting the judges.
"Come on JJ, you got it," Aly muttered beneath her hands as JJ ran towards the springboard and punched into her mount. As her feet hit the beam, Will flinched, his hand moving towards Aly before quickly landing back in his lap.
She completed the standing Arabian without hesitation, following it up with her first flight series; Onodi, into two front aerials.
"Nice!" Aly called out as JJ finished the series with a wolf jump on the end.
"I feel sick," Will muttered. Aly laughed, patting his shoulder.
"Have a little more faith"
With a series of confident THUNKs, she punched out the hardest series, her layout full. Landing it almost completely upright, she nearly had a flicker of a grin on her face.
Just the little bits to go. Some choreography. A turn. Her leap series.
Before too much longer, she was readying for the dismount.
As the tone sounded to indicate ten seconds to dismount, she swung down into her flips.
Two flips later, she punched off the end of the beam, her full in dismount soaring higher than anyone could have guessed. Without so much as a flicker, she landed it easily on her feet, half daring to smile as she turned and acknowledged the judges.
She was nearly there.
As the final rotation wore on, with Rebeca Andrade of Brazil waiting to go as the third to last, JJ was starting to feel worse.
It wasn't the looming pressure of securing a medal. While medaling was always nice, JJ always made a point to simply aim for her best performances on any given day.
No, it was something else. And she was pretty sure she knew what it was.
Here she was, competing in her first all-around final that her dad wouldn't see. It hadn't even hit her until she had finished up on beam that as her dad's favourite competitive event to watch, for the first time, he wouldn't see it.
"You're doing really well kiddo. I'm really proud of you today," Nick said from behind her. As if he could read her mind, he wrapped her in a comforting squeeze, one that she immediately reciprocated.
"Hey," he said softly, recognizing immediately that she was feeling vulnerable. "What's up?"
"Just thinking about my dad," JJ said quietly as they pulled away, her bright eyes cast down towards the floor. "I wish he was here today"
"You're making him so proud," Nick said gently, tipping JJ's chin up with the tip of his finger. "I know that for sure"
Managing a small smile, JJ nodded, swallowing thickly to quell the lump in her throat that had suddenly risen.
She stayed in relative silence as Rebeca completed her routine, as the Brazilian crowd went crazy for their own gymnast. She'd done so well all day, keeping her composure… she was hardly going to let that change now.
"All she has to do is land on her feet, and she's taking home a silver medal. Mustafina is going to have to do more in the future if she wants to get JJ beat, but at least this time, she's looking at a bronze almost certainly"
Rebeca's score flashed up, garnering boos from the home crowd as JJ climbed the stairs to wait by the edge of the floor. Her green light was surely moments away.
"The finishing touches on what has been a great night for Jennifer Jareau"
As she waited for the light, she dusted her feet and hands with chalk, before brushing some onto the back of her thighs. Filled with nervous energy, she continued to hover near the chalk tray even after she was finished, habitually dusting her hands over and over to try and calm herself.
But what felt like almost five minutes later, she was still standing there, waiting for her green light.
"This is an unusually long wait"
"Not sure what they're doing. Just keep calm. You've trained for this," Nick called encouragingly from behind her.
"It's actually ridiculous, Andrade's score has been up for five minutes!"
As much as she tried to breathe, it felt like the arena was getting smaller. The sounds of the crowd were getting louder, more obnoxious. Was everyone staring at her? Why hadn't they given her the green signal?
"Breathe JJ," came Nick's voice again.
Forcing herself to draw in a deep breath, JJ dug her fingernails into the palm of her hand, grounding herself, chasing away the anxiety.
She was ok. She was fine.
She was going to finish strong for her dad.
"On floor exercise, representing the United States of America... Jennifer Jareau!"
Finally.
Saluting the judges, she stepped out onto the carpeted floor and put herself into her starting position.
Her hands were shaking. Her mouth felt dry.
Her music began, booming through the arena.
And almost straightaway, she was paralysed with fear. Everything was too bright, too loud. The crowd seemed to be screaming. There was no air in the room. She couldn't make her lungs work.
It seemed like, in that moment, everything that had happened in the last year had come rushing back with a vengeance, threatening to overwhelm her at the ultimate moment.
She heard her cue come, but her muscles were frozen.
As it passed, the music changing with the beat, she had to force herself to move. Otherwise her timer was going to run down, and she would be deducted at best, disqualified at worst.
Finding some energy in her legs, she stepped back off the floor, her eyes wide and bright as her music died away and she turned to face Nick, who looked like he wanted to do nothing more than grab her and hug her.
"I can't do it," she said tearfully as the crowd started to cheer in an effort to encourage her back onto the floor. What was Marta going to say about this? "I can't"
"Yes you can," Nick said softly, reaching up and squeezing her hand. "I know you can JJ"
"She's got 30 seconds to get back on the floor and start her routine, or she's going to be disqualified!"
"What's going on?" Will asked, somewhat anxiously. Behind him, he knew JJ's mom was practically chewing off her fingertips out of worry.
Aly let out a shaky sigh. "She had a panic attack in training this morning... Marta and Nick were going to pull her and put me in instead, but she insisted she was ok... maybe she's not"
"Come on JJ, your timer's ticking down"
"Go out there and do what you've trained. I don't care if you make a mistake, ok? I just want you to feel like you did your best," Nick said gently. "But if you really want me to, I'll pull you now"
The words settled in her mind, and just like that, her resolve stiffened. She shook her head, swallowing back tears. "No"
And with that, she turned around, taking one more deep breath before she saluted the judges again.
This time, she fought back all the emotion, focusing her eyes on the crowd directly in front of her as her music chimed in again. The cheers were filling the arena, but she only had ears for the music.
When her cue came, she swung her arms down, starting the routine timer as she stepped back into the corner for her first tumbling pass. Even in all the panic that had overwhelmed her, she knew what she was going to do.
Sprinting across the floor, she hurdled powerfully into her tumbling, before launching into a double twisting double layout that was so high, she had it completely around and almost totally upright when she hit the floor on the other side, the crowd practically screaming with excitement around her.
"OH WOW!"
"I THOUGHT SHE WAS DOING A DOUBLE LAYOUT!"
With one tumble under her belt, her game face was on for sure. Turning easily into her second, she launched a double double with an equal amount of power to the Moors, sticking it cold to the floor.
"PHWOAR!"
"Come on JJ!" Will yelled, his heart racing in his chest. "Come on!"
"You got it baby girl, come on!" Sandy shrieked just behind him, her eyes wide and excited as she watched her daughter dance across the floor.
"If she does the connections in her third line that she's been aiming to have in, that means she'll be up half a point on her qualifying routine, and that COMPLETELY changes the game!"
Deep breath.
Taking off, she hurdled, before flipping into a whipback, her hands clear off the floor. Feeling stronger than ever, she rebounded immediately into her double Arabian, connecting it straight into a stag jump.
"YES!" Aly screamed, leaping out of her seat as the crowd grew even more wild for JJ's routine. "Come on JJ, ONE MORE PASS!"
The rest of her choreo seemed to blur out into one, and before she knew it, she was in the corner, the music counting down to the final beat. Mustering everything she had, she took off one last time, for what would be the last few seconds of floor she would perform at the Rio Olympic Games.
Muscle memory carried her strongly across the diagonal, her back handspring rebounding effortlessly into a full twisting double tuck to close out the routine.
The second her feet hit the ground, the crowd went nuts.
She couldn't help it. She burst into tears.
Managing to swing her way down into her final pose, her face just centimetres from the carpet, they came like a torrential flood. Her music faded away to screaming applause as she brought a hand to her mouth, her body shaking terribly as she sobbed honestly and openly there on the floor. Relief, exhaustion, sadness, and exhilaration were coming through with the force of a freight train. Everything she had suppressed for a month was now out in the open for the world to see.
It felt like forever, but she finally managed to pull herself to her feet. The arena was nothing more than a lime green blur as tears drowned out her vision. Saluting in the direction of the judges table, she relaxed down, her shoulders slumping as she slowly made her way towards the stairs, sobs wracking her chest with more vigour than she'd ever felt before.
"I'm not gonna cry yet," Aly said defiantly through a sniff, getting a grin out of Will and a laugh out of Laurie. Just behind them, Sandy was wiping away tears of her own while Jason held her in a tight embrace, while the LaMontagnes clapped energetically and proudly for their son's girlfriend.
"Such an emotional night for JJ, it's only been a month since her dad passed away and here she is, performing at an even higher standard than usual. She and her family should be incredibly proud"
"She's not usually one to be so emotional out there on the floor, but tonight, she's definitely earned those tears"
"I got you," Nick said tearfully just moments later as he wrapped his arms around JJ and lifted her down from the edge of the podium. He didn't let go, instead simply enveloping JJ as she continued to cry. "I got you kiddo, let it out"
Tears of his own were running down his cheeks as he hugged her tight. He wished more than anything he could take away the pain he knew JJ was feeling, but he also knew, in the end, it had made her stronger than ever.
"I'm so... so proud of you," he whispered. "So proud of you, JJ, that was the bravest thing you've ever done"
"It's been an incredibly emotional couple of weeks for these two. Nick should be very proud of both JJ and himself"
Finally pulling away, JJ was still shaking, the emotion still sitting like a tidal wave in her chest. Taking the tissues Nick offered to her before he put an arm around her shoulders and held her protectively, she wiped her eyes, trying to bring it all back under control.
Her score had obviously gone up, since Simone was just now saluting the judges, but JJ didn't want to look. All that mattered to her right now was that she had completed the all-around final to the best of her ability, and if her dad had been around to watch it, he would've been ecstatic.
Simone's music roared to life, and seemingly so did the young gymnast.
"Get ready to watch a coronation"
Almost in time with the booming backing track of the music, Simone tumbled at the speed of light across the floor, landing her full twisting double layout with a confident THUNK on the other end.
Still overwhelmed, JJ had watched on through the remaining tears, managing to clap every so often as Simone did what Simone did best – be almost flawless.
When her friend landed the final tumbling pass at the end of a fantastic routine, the crowd cheered ecstatically, sending a new, different wave of emotion into JJ's heart.
Simone had been at the top of her game for three years, and here she was, living up to the expectations everyone else had put on her. The floor routine was bringing four long years to an end, four long years at the end of which lay the ultimate prize.
Which, with that routine, she had surely won.
Bouncing into her final pose, Simone threw her head back as the crowd screamed appreciatively.
"I think that's your Olympic Champion! Simone Biles!"
After a moment to process that her quest was over, Simone got to her feet, acknowledging the judges before running to the steps, waving up at the crowd as she went.
Aimee was first to get to her, wrapping her prodigy in a tight hug. The crowd was going crazy, but as soon as Aimee and Simone broke apart, Aimee turned to hug Nick, while JJ, wearing a watery grin, reached out for Simone.
"Are you ok?" Simone asked, echoing JJ's question from earlier that day.
"Yeah," JJ said truthfully. And, right then, she truly was. It felt like a weight had lifted from her shoulders.
"Your routine was so good, but then you nearly made me cry, so I'm totally jumping in your bed at like five am," Simone giggled as the two of them walked back to stand by the vault podium, JJ's arm around Simone's shoulders.
"It'll be the last thing you ever do, I swear," JJ said seriously, making Simone laugh. "And it probably wouldn't even be me that killed you, it would be Aly"
"So true," Simone giggled, working to slow her breathing down as she wrapped her arms around JJ's midsection.
As the arena waited in light chatter for Simone's score, Simone let go of JJ, leaning forward and resting her hands on her knees as she caught her breath.
"Hey," JJ teased, lightly swatting Simone's shoulder. "You're supposed to be the crazy fit one who's never out of breath"
"Shut up," Simone replied with a grin, straightening up and allowing JJ to wrap her in another hug.
"You gonna celebrate with a pizza when you win?" JJ asked with a chuckle.
"Only if Zac Efron's on top... without a shirt," Simone replied, making JJ laugh. Over to their left, Nick and Aimee watched the two with a grin. After JJ's tears just minutes earlier, it was good to see her laughing and carrying on as usual with her teammate.
"She's won a lot in a hurry, and that's why people reach for superlatives to describe Simone, but she truly is probably the greatest female gymnast of all time"
Moments later, with an eruption of noise that could deafen even the hardest of hearing, the scores on the jumbotron shifted.
And there it was.