A/N: Angst ahead!

The air outside was already quite nippy, even for September, as JJ came into the house after her run.

"Did you win?" Will called jokingly from the kitchen as she walked through. He was sitting at the table, his laptop open in front of him and his notes spread out beside him.

"No," JJ muttered, avoiding his gaze as she walked over to the fridge and opened it to grab a water bottle. Turning back towards Will, she took a swig of water, before setting the bottle down on the counter.

"I'm not as fast… I'm like… two minutes slower than I usually am," she said quietly, avoiding looking straight at Will.

"Well… you're not training every day… obviously you won't be at your peak," Will said gently, sitting back in his chair as he set his pen down. "You shouldn't worry about it so much"

"Yeah, but it shouldn't happen this fast!" JJ snapped, turning on her heel and disappearing out of the room. Somewhat surprised, Will slowly got up, following at a distance.

By the time he reached JJ's room, she was rifling furiously through her chest of drawers in search of fresh clothes.

"JJ… why are you so upset about this? You know that even a week after you stop training you'll usually see a difference in your stamina," he said, leaning against the doorframe. "You still look fit and healthy… you've been through a lot lately, it's ok if you're not up to your usual standard"

"It's important to me, ok!" JJ shot back, slamming the drawer closed and turning her back on him. "I just want to feel more like myself!"

"Are you ok?" Will asked, his voice a little more firm.

"No!" JJ cried, whirling around with tears in her eyes. "No, goddamn it, I am not ok, and I wish for once that people would just realize that and STOP. FUCKING. ASKING ME!"

Taken aback, Will instinctively took a step back towards the landing, but his resolve stiffened. "Well how the hell am I supposed to know you're not ok JJ, every time I ask you, you tell me that you're fine!"

"Just leave me alone!" JJ yelled, shoving past him and storming down the stairs. As a car door slammed out on the driveway, Will followed, keeping his distance.

"JJ, where are you going?" he called after her as he descended the stairs. When he reached the entryway, JJ was rifling through the dish on the hallway table.

"Out!" she snapped. "Just STOP hovering over me, Will, I've had it, I don't need a babysitter!"

"No, JJ, I'm just worried about you, I know you're not ok right now and you're scaring me!"

Through the floods of tears cascading down her cheeks, JJ turned and grabbed her jacket off the stand, before reaching out for the door. As her hand closed around the handle, the door opened, and in came Sandy, carrying a bag of groceries.

"What's all the yelling, I can hear you two out on the driveway!" she exclaimed as she came inside.

"I'm going out," JJ said tearfully, trying to push past her mother, but she wasn't fast enough to stop Will reaching out and grabbing her arm.

"JJ, you can't just run away from everything when it gets too hard, stay here and talk to me," he said hurriedly, pulling JJ back into the house.

"What's wrong?" Sandy asked worriedly, kicking the door closed behind her as she set the groceries down on the hall table.

"What do you THINK is wrong?" JJ shrieked, wrenching her arm out of Will's grasp. "Why am I the only one who seems to be hurting? Why am I the only one who is actually grieving? You should be hurting too, but instead you've just picked up and kept going, and I can't understand WHY! Do you even care that Dad died? At all?"

"JJ…," Sandy breathed, her eyes filling with tears as the words lashed off of JJ's tongue. She took a step forward, reaching out towards her daughter. "JJ, relax, we can't talk about this unless you calm down"

"I don't want to TALK!" JJ cried. "I want someone to hurt as much as I do because this isn't fair!"

"JJ-" Will started, reaching out to grab her again.

"Don't TOUCH ME!" JJ shrieked, backing away and turning to try and escape from the feeling of being closed in.

"JJ-"

But seconds later, in a wild attempt to break past them, she threw her good hand out, punching the large ornate mirror that had hung over the hall table for as long as she could remember. Crying out in pain as the glass sliced open her fisted hand, she fell to the floor.

"JJ… you need to let us help you," Sandy said through tears as she knelt down before her daughter, carefully avoiding the broken glass. "I know you're hurting, I am too… but holding it all up inside doesn't make it any easier"

Looking down at JJ's bleeding hand, she wiped away her tears.

"I think we need to take you to the hospital"

Sitting in the park across the road from the hospital, Will kept his head in his hands, breathing in the fresh air.

He knew it wasn't fair to be angry at JJ, but he was. For as long as he had known her, she had always been like this. Scared of admitting the truth, scared to admit when it was all getting too much. And now, she had done the very thing he had always been afraid she would do; bring harm to herself in an emotional fit.

But as much as he had wanted to snap, as much as he had wanted to yell, to grab her and try to put some sense into her, he had held it down.

She was hurting enough… and he wasn't going to add to it more by yelling at her for something she couldn't really help.

So for now, he was just going to sit. And when he was feeling better able to handle the situation, he would go back to his girlfriend's side.

JJ had remained completely silent the entire time they'd been at the hospital, speaking only to answer the questions directed at her by the doctor. She was in a bed, waiting for the doctor to return to remove the glass from her hand and suture the wounds.

Sandy had sat patiently at her bedside, her thoughts running through her head at a million miles a minute. She didn't know how to help JJ through the rough patches. She just didn't know what to do anymore, other than being a supportive mother.

"Are you in much pain?" she asked softly, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the edge of the bed.

JJ shook her head, steadfastly refusing to look her mother in the eye as she seemed to withdraw further to the other side of the bed.

Sandy sighed. "You know what JJ… I want you to listen to me, and actually hear what I'm saying," she said softly. "I am hurting over losing your dad too… I do care that he's gone, because he was the love of my life… but what's hurting me more right now is seeing you in so much pain… you're hurting yourself by trying to deal with this on your own and it kills me to watch it happen, JJ"

JJ took a deep breath, still avoiding her mother's gaze.

"You have got to stop bottling everything up all the time… you have been through too much for too long to still think it'll be ok if you don't talk to anyone," Sandy said firmly.

"I just… hate feeling so hurt… and so angry… all the time," JJ whispered, turning to finally look at her mother with watery blue eyes. "I know it's a normal part of grieving… but it's so easy for you to just go on as normal… and for me, I can have good days and then one morning it just all spirals out of control again and I hate it, I hate it so much… I don't feel like me anymore"

Sandy couldn't help the tears that filled her eyes as JJ's admittance came tumbling forward.

"I just miss Dad so much… it's not fucking fair that he's gone," JJ breathed as her tears spilled over.

Rising out of her chair, Sandy pulled JJ into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head and holding her as tears spilled over her own cheeks. "I know it's not fair… and I miss him too… but hell will freeze over before I let you drown in grief and hurt baby girl, I love you way too much to let that happen"

An hour and a hand full of stitches later, JJ was discharged. It had only been a short conversation between her and her mom, but it was enough to take the weight off her chest for at least a little while. They both knew there was plenty of healing to come, but for now, it was a start.

As they were walking towards the exit, JJ spotted Will walking towards them. He looked incredibly weary and emotionally drained… and suddenly JJ found herself feeling horribly guilty. Quickening her pace, she hurried towards him. As he opened his mouth to speak to her, she reached him, throwing her arms around his middle and clinging on for comfort.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Staying silent, Will pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

He was still upset… but they could work it out later.

"Are you sure you don't want one of us to come with you?"

Her mother's quietly concerned statement permeated the silence in the car. They were sitting outside the Allegheny Cemetery, waiting to build up the courage to get out of the car and walk in.

JJ had requested they make the stop after leaving the hospital, but as yet, she hadn't pulled herself out of her seat. Shaking her head in response to her mother, she took a deep breath.

"I think… this is something I actually have to do alone," she breathed, finally lifting her hand to the door and pulling on the latch. As she slipped out of the car, she looked back over at her mom and Will, giving them a soft smile. "I won't be too long"

The grass crunched beneath her feet as she made her way down the hill to the small plot beneath the tree where she knew her sister and father were buried side by side.

As she drew closer, a lump swelled in her throat; this was the first time she was visiting her father's grave.

Was it going to make things better or worse?

When she reached the ornate marble headstones, she slowly knelt down in front of them, cradling her freshly injured hand in her less injured left hand.

A gentle fall breeze rustled through the trees above her, tickling her skin like a breath of fresh air. Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath, settling herself down in the grass.

"I miss you," she whispered, opening her eyes and looking straight at her father's grave.

Michael Steven Jareau
29 November 1964 – 11 July 2016

Beloved son to Anne and Harry
Brother to Darryl, Donnie and Miranda
Husband to Sandra
Father to Jason, Rosaline, and Jennifer

"The ones we love never truly leave us"

"I know we were always close, but I didn't realize it would hurt this much to lose you… I thought I was stronger than this," she breathed, her eyes filling with hot tears yet again. When her eyes landed directly on the small photo of her father's smiling face, all her resolve melted away, and she burst into tears. "Why did this have to happen to you?" she sobbed. "I don't understand"

She fell forward, her hands grasping at the grass as sobs wracked her tiny frame. "I'm hurting… everyone around me… but I don't know how to stop it… I'm not me… I'm not the girl who competed in Rio, and as much as I hope I made you proud, it scares me… it makes me angry… because I want to be myself again… but I feel like the only person who would have known what to say was you and you're not here"

Lifting her face, she took a deep shuddering breath, wiping at her tears with her left hand. "I just miss you so much… I miss your jokes… your hugs… your cooking… I just feel like I need you so much right now. You were the best dad I ever could have asked for"

Still wiping away tears, she sat back slightly, gazing at the headstones with nothing but sadness in her eyes. "I just really hope you're proud of me Daddy," she breathed, letting out a choked sob. "I… I'm doing my best to keep going… it's just so hard without you… but more than anything… I just hope you're not in pain… not suffering anymore"

Reaching out, she placed a hand on top of the gravestone, allowing her tears to fall before she leant forward and pressed a kiss to the top of the marble. Turning to Ros' headstone, she repeated her actions. "I love you both so much"

She sat there for a few more minutes, allowing her emotions to wash over her freely in the evening dusk, before she pulled herself to her feet and headed back up to the parking lot. Not even bothering to hide the fact that she'd been crying, she reached her mom's car, sliding into the backseat beside Will.

"Feeling any better?" Sandy asked softly as she looked over at her daughter. JJ nodded slightly, buckling herself in, before turning to Will and burying her face in his chest as she started to cry again.

As upset as he still was, Will didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her, kissing the top of her head and holding her tight as Sandy pulled out of the lot and headed back for home.