A/N: MASSIVE trigger warning in this chapter. Also I'm feeling doubtful in myself again but I'm trusting this path and this story - when we get further down the timeline, you're all going to be so proud of our favourite blonde!

TW: Self-harm, suicide.

The rest of the whirlwind trip down under had passed in a blur. Despite the gut feeling she had had all along, JJ spent the rest of the week reeling from the admission. She'd pasted on her smile and greeted every single person who wanted to meet her while at the World Cup, but with each smile, with each hollow laugh, it felt like a piece of her was dying on the inside. While on the outside, Aly appeared to be relishing in her role as ambassador for the event, JJ knew she was doing exactly the same; holding up a façade until she could fall apart in private. The nights felt like JJ's own private hell; unable to get any sort of decent sleep, she had again been plagued by the terrible memories of the night her father had died.

Monday morning, they had departed to head back home. The fourteen hours across the ocean had been spent sleeping for Aly, but JJ could not get her mind to settle, and thus, nearly 22 hours later, she arrived in Pittsburgh so tired it felt like her eyes were going to fall out of her head. But she continued to plow on, forcing herself into the routine of therapy and gym that everyone was hellbent on having her stick to.

To say she was in a foul mood three days later when she got home from the gym would've been an understatement. Whatever word could be used to describe her mood, it was plainly clear in the way she tossed her bag to the side as she came through the door. Her face set in an expression akin to a thundercloud, she stormed through to the kitchen, where her mom had started dinner.

"Bad training?" Sandy asked cautiously, looking up from her preparation.

"If having Nick all my over my shit because I got an official warning from USA Gymnastics constitutes a bad day, then yes, it was a fucking bad day," JJ growled, wrenching open the fridge in search of cold water.

"Well," Sandy said slowly, setting her spoon down as she turned towards JJ. "You can't really blame them… I mean, you're a role model for all those little kids, and now there's pictures of you wasted out of your mind all over the internet and in every news print in the country"

JJ turned around, slamming the fridge closed as she went. "You think I don't realise that?" she snapped. "I get it, ok, I'm just some coked out piece of shit! That doesn't mean I don't still care about gymnastics!"

"JJ, you- wait, you're not still taking it are you?" Sandy said, her voice rising in tone as she spoke.

"No!" JJ yelled.

"Good, because I would be dragging you to the nearest hospital if you were!" Sandy shot back. "God, imagine if your father was still alive, he would be so disappointed in you!"

JJ's face crumpled as the mention of her dad hit her ears, but she stayed stoic in front of the fridge, the anger radiating off of her. "We don't have to worry about whether Dad would be disappointed in me or not, because guess what Mom, HE'S NOT HERE. OK? HE'S FUCKING DEAD, AND HE'S NEVER GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED OR PROUD OF ME AGAIN!"

"JJ, I-"

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO ACTUALLY REALISE THAT HE'S GONE? HE IS GONE AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK! AND I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON WHO ACTUALLY SEEMS TO CARE! BUT GUESS WHAT. NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU CAN'T LOVE HIM BACK TO LIFE"

"You're not-"

"YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE, YOU KEEP TELLING ME TO STAY STRONG, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THAT! FUCK YOU!" JJ screamed, tears running down her face as she rose up against her mother, who was trying to keep her composure as she stood solidly before her daughter.

"You're angry… you're hurting-"

"OF COURSE I FUCKING AM!" JJ yelled, casting the full bottle of water to one side. It crashed into the mug stand, sending each and every one of the ceramic mugs crashing to the countertop and the floor. "WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO GET INTO YOUR HEAD? I LOST MY DAD. AND ALL YOU SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IS PRESERVING THE IMAGE OF YOUR PERFECT, ENGAGED, OLYMPIC CHAMPION!"

"You know what?" Sandy said tearfully. "I'm not standing here and taking this. Not from you"

Without another word, she shoved past her seething daughter, tears streaming down her face as she grabbed her keys from the dish and disappeared out the front door.

An angry yell escaped JJ as she reached out, sweeping the salad bowl clean off the counter, sending the contents all over the floor. At that moment, her entire body seemed to give out, her legs falling from beneath her as she collapsed down against the cabinets. The tears continued to stream down her face, hidden beneath her arms as she sobbed on the empty kitchen floor.

She had nothing. Everything as she knew and loved it was gone. Her beloved father, her fiancé, her sport… her life. It was all gone. And from where she stood right now, it didn't look likely that any of it would ever come back. And now her mom. It was hard enough hearing from USAG, the organisation that had given her the platform to achieve her dreams, that she was a disappointment, but to hear it disguised beneath her mother's words was like a stab to the chest with a hot knife.

It was over. Everything, all of it, it was all over.

She had nothing left to live for.

The second that thought crossed her mind, she lifted her face. Her vision was blurred by tears, but her mind was sharper than ever. She didn't want to think like that. Not when her family had already experienced one loss from very similar thinking. But deep in the pit of her stomach, she couldn't help but feel it was true. Here she was, the most recently crowned Olympic all-around champion, sobbing on her kitchen floor at the shambles her life had become from one bad night in Los Angeles.

How did you recover from that?

Her blood seemed to run colder as she lay there, turning everything over and over in her mind as the tears continued to flow silently down her cheeks. Her own mother had walked out on her. The only person left who was supposed to love her unconditionally. And she was gone. But no matter how much she reasoned that it was all over, that her reasons to live were gone, she couldn't make herself move from the floor. Something had her firmly frozen in place, and deep inside her, a small glimmer of gratitude hung about. Gratitude for whatever was keeping her resolutely glued to the kitchen floor.

She didn't know what it was. Whether it was fear, or hope, or anything in between… if she wanted to move, she was waiting it out. Ever so slowly, she lay back down, resting her head on her folded arms as she allowed the sobs to wash back over her.

Darkness fell around her as the sun went down, but not once did she move to turn on the lights. Her tears slowed, leaving her red eyed and puffy, but she stayed put. The house was silent around her, quiet but for her slow, soft breathing.

She didn't know if she had fallen asleep, but eventually her eyes flicked up towards the microwave. Green neon numbers flared back at her, cutting through the darkness.

10:37

Where was her mom? She'd been gone for almost five hours.

Her entire body seemed to ache as she pulled herself up off the floor. On shaking legs, she slowly made her way from the kitchen to the front door, where her gym bag was still lying on the floor where she'd left it. Reaching into the side pocket, she pulled out her phone, staggering over to the stairs with it in her hand before she sat down heavily on the bottom step. She seemed to go into autopilot as she opened her phone up and automatically dialed her mom's number. It seemed to ring forever, the tone becoming monotonous in her ear as she hung her head down towards her knees. But eventually, the click came, and she waited with baited breath for her mom to speak.

"What?"

Tears burned JJ's eyes, the sobs overwhelming her once more. "I'm sorry," she whispered tearfully.

"That's all well and good JJ, but I can't keep going on like this. You're not the only person who's hurting over all of this"

JJ choked back a sob, covering her eyes with her free hand as she tried desperately to keep herself together. But it was to no avail, and to hear the harshness in her mom's voice only served to worsen the pain. "Maybe you won't have to do it anymore," she said softly through her tears.

There was a silence between them, hanging in the air like a dead weight.

"What do you mean?" Sandy asked, but this time, her voice was quiet. The anger was gone.

"I know I'm just a disappointment now… I'm sorry for everything, I am, but-"

"JJ, I'm coming home, ok? Just stay exactly where you are," Sandy cut in. Now she sounded worried.

JJ hung up the call. Fresh tears welled in her eyes, but her body felt like it was on autopilot. Silently, she rose from where she was sitting and started to climb the stairs. She was so exhausted, all she wanted to do was go to bed.

She dragged herself into her room, but she stopped short just inside the door. There was her bed, still rumpled from when she had gotten up that morning. But more than that, it was empty. There was no Will waiting for her, ready to wrap her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok. More than anything in the world, that was all she wanted. When she was in his embrace, there was no pain. No grief. No sadness. Just warmth, safety, and love.

More tears spilled over as she turned and walked into her bathroom. She came to rest against the sink, her watery eyes staring at her own reflection in the mirror.

She felt like the face looking back at her was not the same girl she felt like on the inside. Her skin was pale, her eyes swollen and red, accentuated by the dark circles that came from not sleeping. She hadn't been eating properly lately, and it was starting to show in the hollows of her cheeks. Her chest ached with sadness, but most of all, she was tired. Whatever this was… she didn't want to do it anymore.

Something solidified inside her and she turned towards the bathroom door. She crossed the room in just a few steps, silently pushing the door closed and locking it. Out on the landing, she could hear Will walking down the stairs. A few tears fell as she walked back over to the counter and opened the top drawer. In it, she found the scissors she usually used to cut tape when she needed to. They were rarely used, and she knew they were sharp.

Slowly lifting them from the drawer, she moved back to sit on the toilet. Her body seemed to ache relentlessly, whether from physical pain or sheer sadness, she wasn't too sure. Swallowing back her tears, she looked up towards the ceiling, closing her eyes for a moment as she allowed the reality of what she was about to do wash over her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She wasn't sure to who. But she knew it had to be said.

Looking back down at her lap through wet, swollen eyes, she opened up the scissors and gripped them in her right hand. Shakily, she brought the open blade to the skin of her left forearm and pressed down ever so slightly.

"JJ?" came Will's voice from out in the hallway, startling her. The blade slipped against her skin, leaving a shallow cut no more serious than a paper cut. It stung like hell, but JJ hardly felt the pain.

'Maybe you should go to him. He's calling for you' she thought to herself. But just as quickly, the sadness swallowed her whole again. 'He doesn't want you anyway. Or you'd still have the ring on your finger'

She swallowed hard, a sob rattling through her as she squeezed her eyes shut and brought the blade back to her skin. She pushed hard, feeling the first sting as it broke her skin. The pain began to ebb through her as she dug it in deeper, making her bite down hard on her tongue to stop her from crying out.

"JJ? Are you in there?" came Will's voice from right outside the door. The handle rattled. "JJ!"

The movement outside the door stopped, but seconds later, there was an almighty crash as Will threw his weight against the door.

"No! Please, just leave me alone!" she sobbed as the lock splintered and Will staggered into the room. Seconds later, he had lunged for her, throwing his arms around her and dragging her to the floor. She let out a scream as the blade cut roughly through her skin, right before they both hit the floor with a crash. Pain ricocheted through her chest as Will grabbed the scissors and yanked them out of her hand.

"Jesus Christ, JJ, what did you do?" he cried, yanking a towel off the towel rail above his head and pressing it hard against her wrist. "This isn't your way to go!"

"No-one wants me," she sobbed, giving up on fighting him and going limp beneath the weight of his body. "There's no point anymore. Everyone's either dead or left me because I'm too difficult. No-one wants me. Just let me go, let me go, I can't do it anymore!"

"Stop it, JJ! Stop! This won't fix anything!" Will said desperately. "Don't do this to your mom!"

"She doesn't want me either," JJ sobbed hysterically.

"Yes, she does, JJ, in fact she needs you. Your mom is not going to survive if she loses you too. Ok? She loves you, JJ, I know she does. It's just… rough, right now. But she loves you. Aly loves you. Simone loves you. Don't do this to them. You know how painful it is to lose someone like this! Don't do it. Especially not to your mom"

The front door opened and closed with a bang downstairs.

"Up here! JJ's bathroom!" Will yelled over his shoulder. "You need to call 911!"

Less than a minute later, Sandy hurtled through the door, gasping at the scene before her. "Oh my god, JJ!" she cried, dropping to her knees beside Will and reaching out to brush JJ's hair off her face. "What the hell?"

JJ brought her uninjured hand to her eyes, covering her face with her hand as another sob rolled through her.

"You're bleeding too Will," Sandy said thickly, her voice strained with tears as she looked up at him.

"Go and call 911," Will repeated, ignoring her statement. "I've got pressure on it, but the sooner she gets to a hospital, the better"

"I… sure. Yes. I can do that," Sandy said, shakily pulling herself to her feet. As she turned to leave the room, JJ just managed to see her face crumple under the weight of her tears.

By the time they got to the hospital, Sandy had been in a state.

Two daughters. Both had reached the point of attempting suicide. One had been successful. The other… she still had a chance to save her. But how was she going to save her, when she felt at least half of the pain JJ was feeling and didn't even know how to heal it herself?

Now they sat in a quiet room. Will was off having his head stitched from where he'd clocked it on the edge of the tub as he took JJ to the floor. JJ had been given something to calm her down, and now she lay curled on her side, her wrist stitched and bandaged. While the blood loss had luckily not been enough to be fatal, it was enough to leave JJ looking pale and ashen, her thin features even more pronounced now that her cheeks had lost their rosy glow. She hadn't uttered a word since they had arrived, and Sandy was terrified of what could possibly be going through her head.

"JJ?" she said softly, pulling her chair a little further around the bed until she could see JJ's face. She settled right in front of her, leaning on the edge of the mattress and brushing JJ's hair back from her eyes. "Will told me that… you said no-one wants you," she said gently. "I know you probably don't believe me, but that's not true at all JJ. There are so many people out there who love you. But I don't think any of them could even begin to love you as much as I do. You're my baby girl, JJ, you always have been. And I know we're both hurting right now… we're angry, and we're looking for reasons as to why we have to feel the way we do… but I love you so much. That's never going to change. I'm not going to lose you too"

JJ stayed silent, but her eyes drifted closed as they began to well with tears again.

"Your dad loved you so much JJ," Sandy said tearfully, her voice barely above a whisper. "God, I remember when you were born. He so thought you were going to be a boy, and when you came out as this tiny little girl, he just cried and cried with joy. He was so excited to have another little princess. And JJ… you had him wrapped around your finger. Right up until the day he died, your dad would have moved heaven and earth to make you happy and keep you safe." The tears were now flowing down Sandy's cheeks but she forced herself to keep going. "You and your dad have always had such a special bond. I even felt a little jealous for a while when you were little, because to you, he'd hung the stars in the sky, and I just couldn't compete with that. But I know how painful it is when half of that special bond is gone and you can't replace it. But this pain… how badly it hurts… it's only temporary, baby girl. You'll miss him forever, and every now and then, you'll see something that'll make your heart ache for him, but the worst of it is only for right now. It will get better"

JJ moved, bringing her bandaged hand up to her eyes as a sob escaped her. Sandy reached out, taking JJ's other hand and squeezing it gently. "He loved you so much. He was always so proud of you and the amazing things you've achieved. And you know something? There were a lot of things your dad was sad about when he found out he was going to die, but one of the biggest heartaches for him was that he was going to miss out on seeing all the incredible things you're going to do in the future. And I don't know if that future is going to be with Will, maybe it will be… but either way, it's going to be with someone who loves you and respects you and takes care of you. You just have to fight this pain a little while longer and soon you'll be able to see it"

"I just don't know if I can do it anymore," JJ said in a hoarse whisper, surprising Sandy.

"Yes you can," Sandy breathed, straightening up. She rose from the chair, sliding onto the bed beside JJ and gathering her daughter into her arms. "You want to know why JJ? Because you are worth so much more than all the things you've lost. You and I are both going through this pain together, and I'm not going to let you sink. Ok? We both lost your dad and it kills me, every day, that he's gone. But he wouldn't want us to be in pain, crying… he'd want us to be out there, grabbing life by the horns and taking it for everything it's got, because we only have one shot at it"

JJ closed her eyes, her face crumpling with a wave of fresh tears as Sandy pulled her in closer and pressed a kiss to the top of her daughter's head.

"I hate seeing you hurting so badly. It hurts me too. But no matter how bad it gets, I'm going to be right there with you. You can't push me away. Because I'm here to support you and love you… and I'm not going to let you end up like Roslyn"

Her sister's name was enough to break her down completely. She dissolved into heartbroken sobs as Sandy stroked her hair and held her tight. "Oh JJ," she said softly. "You're going to get through this, baby girl"

"I just feel like it's never going to end… I feel so hopeless," JJ sobbed. "I didn't actually want to die, but… I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to get away from the constant grief"

"I know," Sandy breathed, kissing JJ's temple. "But I raised you to be strong, to keep your head held high even when it feels like you're drowning. You're my amazing, successful, talented girl, and none of what is happening now defines you or your future"