A/N: This chapter was so hard. Writer's block is kicking my ass. I'm not 100 percent sure if I'm happy with this one but if I fight with it anymore I'm gonna lose my mind. So I hope you enjoy!
"You were very young when your sister died, is that right?"
Monday morning dawned with another therapy session. As much as she wanted to feel like she was getting better, JJ still hated going to therapy, having the worst parts of her life picked through with a fork. Rachel was nice, and she liked and trusted her immensely, but JJ never failed to leave her office feeling emotionally drained. And it seemed today would be no different.
"I was ten… almost eleven," JJ said softly, lifting her tired eyes from the floor to look at the older woman opposite her.
"That's a very big event for such a young child to process. Am I right in guessing that it's something you still deal with even all these years on?"
JJ nodded, biting the inside of her lip as she tried to focus on not crying. She was sick of crying… she was supposed to be so much stronger than this.
"JJ, I want to run a theory past you, and I want you to tell me whether it sounds like it fits to you, ok?" Rachel asked gently. When JJ nodded, she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her thighs as she fixed a warm gaze on her patient. "You were ten years old, and your sister committed suicide. She did that in the bathroom you shared, the bathroom where you found her the next morning. In the wake of such a traumatic event, I think you developed PTSD at a very young age. You went weeks without sleeping through the night, waking up screaming and crying as you relived the moment you opened that door. As you got older, those memories numbed a little, until you got to the ten year anniversary, and without any warning, it all came rushing back. Barely months later, your dad was diagnosed with cancer, and you tried to suppress everything that was happening. But when he died, it was right there in front of you, you couldn't hide from it, and the PTSD reared its ugly head, compounding everything you were already feeling, and leading you right back to where we sit now"
JJ let out a long breath as Rachel watched her intently, before she felt the familiar burn in the back of her nose that told her the tears were coming. "I just… I can't escape any of it. And I wish I could. I wish I could be normal. But I can't, I'm the freakshow who still has nightmares about her dead sister and dealt with grief so badly she cheated on her fiancé"
"You're not a freakshow JJ," Rachel said gently. "You're human. And humans, by nature, are flawed. All these horrible things and the memories you can't escape… one day they aren't going to have as much power as they have now. But you… you will be so much stronger for it"
"I thought losing my sister was bad enough, and then my dad died and I lost the safest person I knew," JJ said tearfully.
"Your dad?" Rachel queried, getting a nod in response from JJ. Rachel tipped her head to the side, studying JJ curiously. "What makes you say that about your dad?"
JJ shrugged, sniffing back the tears as she reached for a tissue. "I don't… I don't know, he just… was. He was big, and strong, and protective and loving… kind and warm… I love my whole family, and they are all wonderful people, but… my dad was just… he was special. I always felt safe when he was around. And now I just feel like a part of my world is missing. I love my mom, and I love the relationship we have, but I'm struggling with it just being us"
"Why are you struggling?"
"I don't know how to talk to her anymore," JJ said sadly. "Everything I say just makes her sad. She basically quit her job, her whole life right now revolves around making sure I'm not cutting my wrists at night"
"She did that because she loves you, JJ," Rachel said gently.
"But I didn't want to do this to them… I never wanted everyone's lives to be completely turned around because of me"
"Have you tried telling your mom that you appreciate what she's done? That you appreciate her love and support, her ability to always be a listening ear even when she's carrying her own burdens?"
JJ shook her head, sniffing against the tears again.
"Maybe that's a conversation you should have with her. Make sure she knows that you appreciate everything she's done for you… but also that she doesn't always have to be strong. Your mom is also dealing with all this grief… so is your brother. And I think right now, they're doing their best to be the strong ones for you, but in the process, they're not letting themselves feel the pain they're also feeling," Rachel explained softly. "So maybe you need to sit down with them, show them it's ok to be vulnerable with you"
Nodding, JJ let out a heavy breath, wiping her eyes on the cuffs of her sleeve. "I just… all of this stuff… the way I feel about talking to my mom… I would only trust Will or Ros with that, and… they're both gone"
"Have you spoken to Will at all since he left?" Rachel asked, calmly deviating to the next topic of discussion. JJ shook her head, her gaze still fixed resolutely on the floor between them.
"You know, JJ, sometimes relationships we have when we're young can be really amazing… but sometimes they can be detrimental to our overall growth. Do you know why?"
JJ shook her head again, picking anxiously at the side of her fingernail as Rachel spoke.
"When you fall in love, it's easy to become completely blindsided by that love. Your heart is just so overwhelmed and so full with strong feelings about this new person, this new relationship you have. And this happens to fully grown adults too. But when you're younger… say 17 or 18… you've barely experienced the world. And it's so easy to let this wonderful new feeling become your entire world, and before you know it, your entire state of being depends on that one person. Should that relationship ever be taken away, it can lead to very extreme feelings of sadness and depression, because it feels like you've lost everything, when in reality, you've only lost a small portion of what life has to offer you. Does that make sense?"
"Are you saying I'm too dependent on Will?" JJ said bitterly.
Rachel took a deep breath. "Yes and no. I believe that the relationship you two had prior to everything that's happened was extremely strong. You loved each other fiercely. You definitely had something special… but you also had been fiercely in love since you were 18 and it's easy to have blinders on when something so intense begins at such a young age"
"So we ruined it? By being too in love?"
"No, JJ, I actually need you to work with me here a little bit. I don't think what you have is irreparable… but I also think you need to be working on healing with the expectation that it might not ever be fixed. Will may not come back from New Orleans. I think, for you, it's extremely beneficial to start focusing on your personal growth. What are things you enjoy outside of gymnastics? How can you meet and connect with more people? Because, you're nearly 23, JJ. Your early twenties are the absolute prime for making new connections and learning more about yourself. You and Will were so closely intertwined with each other that almost every facet of your lives depended on the other existing in it. Maybe this time apart isn't necessarily a bad thing. You guys definitely need some space to think things over, work them out. But maybe this is a really good opportunity to discover yourself some more, maybe meet some new people. Learn how to live a full life without relying on anyone else for your happiness, and then whatever comes along otherwise is just a bonus"
JJ stared blankly across at her therapist, her eyes suddenly wide and alert. "Will won't come back?"
"No, JJ, I didn't say that," Rachel said quickly. "All I said was he might not come back, but I'm not Will, I don't know where his head is at-"
"I really screwed up," JJ cut in, her eyes filling with tears. "I've driven him away, all the way to Louisiana. And I'm not surprised, I've become such a horrible person that I don't even want to be around me either"
"JJ, you're not a horrible person," Rachel said gently. "You're a good person who's had a lot of horrible things happen to you-"
"No, that's a copout," JJ sobbed. "If I wasn't an awful person, Will would still be here, I wouldn't be left with a total of three people who actually care about me-"
"JJ-"
"I can't do this, not today," JJ suddenly exclaimed through tears, rising from the couch and darting towards the door.
"JJ, wait, we're not finished!"
But JJ was already out the door, refusing to face another minute in that office, refusing to hash out another second of the worst moments of her life.
Fifteen minutes later, she was barging through the door, leaving it wide open behind her as she raced towards the stairs. She ignored the calls behind her, Jason and Katie both trying to get her attention, instead hurrying up the stairs to her room. She could hear them coming up behind her as she slammed the door shut and locked it behind her, struggling to catch her breath as she hyperventilated through tears.
She knew it wasn't good, and she knew Will was probably gone for good, but she hadn't wanted to face that reality. And now that Rachel had presented it to her so plainly, right after exploring the raw wounds that grief and PTSD had left her with, she felt like she would explode with just how much it was trying to overwhelm her.
"JJ? JJ, can you open the door?"
"Go away!" she sobbed, moving away from the door as if she was trying to put more distance between herself and her brother. As she turned, her eyes landed on the framed photo of her and Will on her nightstand, the first photo she had ever posted of them on Instagram. Unable to contain it, she let out a frustrated cry, swiping the frame off the table and sending it crashing to the floor, where the glass shattered.
"JJ, please open the door! We want to make sure you're ok," Jason called.
"No, I'm NOT FUCKING OK!" JJ yelled, tearing a hand through her hair as she turned back to face the door. Clutching her hands together, she doubled over, sobs wracking her body as the emotional pain seemed to rip through her entire body. "I want it to stop, I want it to stop, I'm sick of being a burden… why does everyone else get to move on and I'm the one who can't stop hurting?"
"JJ!" Jason called, his voice filled with urgency. "Open the door!"
"Fuck off Jason!" JJ yelled, straightening up as her hand closed around the first solid object she could find – a candle sitting on the edge of her desk. With surprising strength, she hurled it at the door, only to watch it drop to the floor somehow without shattering. Exhausted and defeated, she turned, collapsing to the floor and letting her back fall against the door as the tears streamed down her face.
Why did everything have to be so overwhelming? She'd been doing ok… and then one therapy session where they touched on Ros, her dad, and Will was enough to push her back over the edge?
"JJ, JJ," Katie called adamantly as she pushed Jason aside and pressed a hand to the door. "I know it's scary, trying to deal with all these emotions at once, but hurting yourself isn't going to make them go away"
"Leave me alone!" JJ sobbed from the other side of the door.
"What's going on?" came Sandy's urgent voice, grabbing their attention as she came up the stairs, having slipped into the house unnoticed after a trip to the store.
"JJ's shut herself in her room and she's having a meltdown… I don't know what set it off, but I'm genuinely concerned she's going to do something stupid," Katie said softly, just loud enough for Sandy to hear.
"JJ? Open up the door please, I need you to let me in," Sandy called, stepping forward.
"God, why can't you all just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" JJ yelled from the other side. "You can't fix everything, no matter how fucking hard you try!"
"We don't want to fix it, JJ," Katie said softly before Sandy or Jason could speak. "I know… I know how awful these emotions can feel, JJ, I went through… hell… when I was in high school. And some days the only thing that got me through the day was taking a blade or a pair of scissors to my wrist or my thigh and cutting the pain away… but I know now how dangerous that is. It doesn't take the pain away, it just prolongs it. But what was even more frustrating for me was when people tried to fix me. And I never wanted to be fixed… all I wanted was someone to sit with me and listen and tell me that yeah, right now it's really shitty, but one day you're going to look back on it all and you're going to be so fucking proud of how far you came"
Fully aware of the wide eyes her husband and mother-in-law had fixed on her, Katie continued to speak. "We don't want to fix it, JJ, because we know we can't. All we can do is support you as you try to navigate your way through this part of your life. And I know it feels endless right now, and some days it feels like you're going back three months in the healing process, but at the end of the day, it is just one part of your life, and it's not going to be forever"
There was a click as Katie finished speaking, and then the door opened ever so slightly, clearly an invitation for her to come in. Giving Jason and Sandy a reassuring look, she pushed the door open just wide enough to slip into the room, disappearing before them as the door closed behind her.
Inside she found JJ sitting on the floor, her back resting against the edge of her bed. Without a word, Katie sat down beside her, close enough to be touching but still maintaining distance.
"I know how exhausting it is, JJ," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "When day in and day out all you seem to have to carry is sadness and pain. But I promise it does get better. It really does"
"I was doing better," JJ said hoarsely, tipping her head back against her mattress. "The meds were helping and I was going to gym… now I feel like I'm back where I started"
"You're not," Katie said kindly. "Bad days are normal. Expected, even. You can't grow and heal without having to confront the shitty days as well"
JJ let out a sigh, tipping her face towards Katie.
"Getting to be your pseudo sister has been one of my favourite things about being part of your family," Katie said softly, dropping an arm around JJ and gently guiding JJ's head to rest against her shoulder. Tired and defeated, JJ allowed it to happen, taking comfort in the small gesture. "I'm always here for you, meltdowns or not"
JJ managed a small smile. "Thank you Katie"
"Now, how about we clean up this mess, and then I was thinking we could strong-arm Jason into going to get cheesesteaks for us"
JJ lifted her face, managing a smile despite her exhaustion. "That sounds like a great idea"
Laughing, Katie got to her feet, holding out a hand to the younger girl. "Come on then… let's make it happen"