A/N: I'm so ready for COVID to be a thing of the past.

"You've shown massive progress in just a short space of time, JJ. I'm really impressed"

JJ lifted her gaze up to meet Rachel's eyes, the therapist's soothing voice seeming to hang in the space between them. "I feel good. I mean, I still have my days where it feels shit again, but… overall, I don't feel… so sad"

Rachel smiled. "That's good. Having a bad day here and there is also ok. Healing isn't linear, and it's not always progressive. It's totally normal to have days where you feel like you're going backwards. You just have to allow those feelings to sit, allow yourself to feel those emotions, even if they hurt. And then all you can do the next day is pick yourself up and try again"

Smiling, JJ nodded once to indicate she understood, pulling her legs up onto the sofa and folding them in front of her. "I had a talk with my mom and Will the other day"

"What about?"

JJ paused, taking a breath before she spoke. "About when I attempted suicide"

Rachel looked curiously across at the younger girl, but she never spoke, instead waiting for JJ to continue.

"I never realised how painful that was for them. I mean… I thought I knew, because of Ros, but then… when my mom was telling me that she knew she had a chance to save me, and that it was the most scared she's ever felt in her life… I realised I had no idea what that was like. I've never been in her position. And I was only ten when my sister died, so I don't think I ever fully comprehended exactly what it was that was happening to us. I just… I felt so guilty. For putting my mom through that. For putting Will through that. It wasn't fair to them"

"Maybe not, but it's also a good thing that you recognise that. Do you feel better since having that talk?"

JJ nodded. "I feel lighter. I've always known my mom and I were dealing with my dad's death together, but I guess when it came to my own mental health, I've just always assumed I was dealing with that alone. Not that I would ever want my mom to feel the things I've felt, because she doesn't deserve that-"

"You don't deserve it either JJ," Rachel cut in gently. "No-one deserves to feel as much sadness, pain, and anger as you have felt in the last two years of your life. You're young, fit, and healthy, and you deserve a life full of happiness. And it's completely ok to say that to yourself. You absolutely deserve to be happy"

"I feel like I'm getting there"

"I want you to try something for me. It's probably going to feel silly, but I want you to at least give it a go and see how it affects you"

"Ok?"

"Every day, whether it's in the morning, or at night before you go to bed, I want you to take a few moments and stand in front of a mirror. Take in your reflection, and tell yourself, out loud, that you deserve to be happy, and then just allow a moment for it to really sink in," Rachel said with a smile. "Like I said, it's going to feel really cheesy… but you're a high level athlete, and so much of what you do is focused on your mindset. I think this is something that you will find beneficial"

"Ok," JJ replied quietly. "I'll try that"

"We'll revisit it during your next session and see if anything has changed"

"Ok"

Rachel paused for a moment, studying JJ's expression, before taking a deep breath. "On that note, however… while I'm glad you had that talk with your mom and Will, what happened in March is also something I would like to talk about with you"

JJ looked up, her heart seeming to pick up in her chest. Rachel must have noticed a change in her expression, because she quickly held up a hand, breaking into a soft smile. "I'm not going there to make you uncomfortable… I just want to get a bit of an understanding of where you are now compared to where you were the night you ended up in hospital"

"Well, I don't want to kill myself if that's what you mean," JJ said, her voice sounding harsher than she had intended. She immediately cringed. "Sorry… I didn't mean that to sound rude"

"It's ok," Rachel said gently. "But back in March… we've talked very briefly about what led you to that decision… why don't you walk me through your headspace that night. Not so much everything that happened… but what you remember of what was going through your head"

Biting her lip, JJ took a deep breath. "Well… it was kind of… even though the initial blowup was in January, things were still super shit between me and Will. I was just sad. All the time. I missed my dad, I hated myself for all the problems I caused, and every time I looked at my mom, I could see that I was killing her too. We got into an argument… well, more I lost my shit at Mom and she eventually had enough and left, and-" Trailing off, she froze, her mind suddenly running a million miles an hour. Her eyes suddenly wide and fearful, she looked up at Rachel. "I broke down. And I remember that was the exact moment where the idea of killing myself entered my mind"

"How did that make you feel then?"

JJ thought for a moment. "Scared. Scared that I would even consider it. But at the same time… I felt… relieved. Like I could finally see an end to feeling so fucking sad all the time"

"You've said quite a few times that you didn't actually want to die. Do you think that's still true?"

JJ nodded. "When I made that decision, I wasn't making it because I didn't want to live anymore. I just didn't want to be so sad anymore, and in that moment, that seemed like the only way to make it happen"

Without any warning, her eyes were filling with tears. Rachel seemed to have noticed before she even realised what was happening, for in a split second, there was a box of tissues in front of her on the table. She reached out and grabbed one, trying to take deep breaths to keep her composure. "What if it had worked? I would've hurt everyone even more than I already have"

"JJ," Rachel said gently. "You need to remember that it didn't. You are still here, fighting to live a healthy, happy life. And you need to stop shouldering so much of this guilt. You've recognised that the things you have done have hurt the people you love… but you also know that they don't hold that against you. So it's time to take a breath, and let that guilt go. What's happened is in the past, and you can't change it. All you can do is push forward and focus on building a better future from what's behind you"

"I just… I feel like I'm not the person I'm supposed to be," JJ said softly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Like… I won the Olympic all-around title. And the last Olympic all-around champions from the USA have been these figureheads of courage and hard work… and I don't feel like I'm living up to that legacy. Rio wasn't the competition experience I wanted because I was so sad all the time, and I basically came home and disappeared from the public eye. I should have been out there more, being a role model for all those kids who just watched me win the ultimate title in gymnastics"

"What you should have done, JJ, was exactly what you did - come home and try to deal with your grief. Just because you won an Olympic gold medal does not mean you owe the world anything. You are a person, a person who is deserving of normal circumstances and a normal environment in which to try and process very real and very human emotions"

"Try telling that to USAG," JJ muttered.

"Quite honestly, JJ, I don't really care what USAG wants. To me, they view you girls as money mules. You are people, and you deserve to do what you want and need to do, not what they want. I know that's not the mindset that's been pushed on you all these years, and that it's going to take a lot of time to change that, but it's something I want to work on with you"

"Ok," JJ sighed. "Add it to the list of things that are wrong with me"

Rachel chuckled. "There's nothing wrong with you JJ. I promise. You're only human"

JJ shrugged, picking at her fingernails as she avoided eye contact with her therapist.

"I think that brings our session to an end," Rachel said lightly, setting her notepad down on the coffee table. "I think we can schedule your next session for two weeks from now… I know you don't feel like it, but you're making a lot of progress and I'd like to see how you go if we start spacing your sessions a bit more, how does that sound? You can always call in the meantime if you're struggling, I can schedule out some time to chat over the phone"

"That's fine," JJ replied with a shrug, getting to her feet as Rachel rose from her chair, tucking her phone and keys into her pocket.

"Alright. See Grace at the desk and she'll book you in for the next session, and I'll see you in two weeks"

Thanking the older woman, JJ made her way out of the office. After paying for her session and booking the next one in, she headed out to the car park. Even now, just minutes after finishing, she felt lighter. The heavy weight that she had felt for months on her shoulders and chest was no more. She'd always held back from sharing her burdens, but somehow, spilling it all to Rachel, who was so patiently impartial, was clearly making a world of difference.

"Where's Nick?" JJ asked an hour later as she walked out onto the gym floor for her first training session of the day. "Did I finally do it? Did I push him over the edge and he's handed the reins to you?"

Teagan laughed, shaking her head. "He's going to be late. Tash's dad went to hospital this morning, so she's had to go and be with him but she couldn't take the baby. Nick's trying to find a sitter and then he'll be in. But he wants us to get started on warmup and conditioning"

"Is her dad ok?" Kate piped up from behind JJ, making JJ jump; she hadn't realized the younger girl had come in behind her.

"He woke up short of breath, but he should be alright. Nick said they just want to run some tests and Tash wants to stay until they figure out what's going on"

As Teagan finished speaking, the door from the foyer swung open, making the girls turn. JJ couldn't help but break into an immediate grin when she took in the sight of Nick walking towards them, baby Olivia strapped to his chest in a baby carrier.

"You brought the baby!" Kate shrieked excitedly, making Nick chuckle and sigh in defeat.

"Yes, getting a sitter was too much effort. Olivia is the official assistant coach today," he said with a smile. "But I have also resigned myself to the fact that it means you two are going to get sweet eff all done today"

JJ and Kate laughed as Teagan nodded in agreement.

"Alright. Get running. Let's get started for the day"

"Are you going to have a baby one day?" Kate asked as she collapsed into a beanbag in the athlete break room. With Olivia starting to fuss, Nick had broken training out for a half hour, giving the girls a chance to relax and have something to eat before they continued on for the morning.

JJ raised an eyebrow, her mouth quirking into an amused smile. "Maybe. I haven't really given it much thought to be honest"

"You've had sex, right?"

JJ feigned shock, making the fourteen year old laugh. "How do you know about sex?!"

"JJ, I'm fourteen! Do you think I live under a rock?" Kate exclaimed.

JJ laughed. "Nah, I'm just teasing, I know what high school is like. I learned some pretty horrendous things from the boys in my class at your age"

"Like fisting?"

JJ snorted, accidentally spraying water over her lap as Kate burst out laughing. "Jesus Kate, I thought you went to a private school"

"Yeah I do, private school kids are worse than you think," Kate giggled. "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done?"

"I'm not answering that because I feel like I could get arrested just for having this conversation with you," JJ said with a laugh. "But, for your information, I've never done that, and I swear to god, I probably never will"

"Even if Will said pretty please?" Kate teased, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"He'd get told to fuck off," JJ said with a grin. "I'm up for… not everything, but a reasonable amount of things… definitely not that though"

Heaving a sigh as she settled back in her beanbag, Kate cast a wistful glance towards the banners and photos that lined the wall of the break room. "I can't believe it's only two more years until I can compete as a senior… but at the same time, I wish it would go faster. I want to compete at senior nationals… and I wanna try and go to Worlds"

JJ smiled, tipping her head as she studied the younger girl. "I remember feeling like that. All I could think about was senior nationals, and then Worlds, and then the Olympics… and then suddenly it was on top of me and I was SO overwhelmed… but I don't think you'll have the same problem"

"Why not?"

"Because you're a kickass kid Kate. You're confident and outgoing and you're not afraid to admit how good you are. Which are amazing attributes to have. Sadly, I didn't have them at the time. All I had was determination to get what I wanted, but there's only so far that can get you. Which is why I'm so glad I found myself growing as a person and an athlete after London," JJ said with a smile. "But you're kind of already where I was in 2013, which is awesome. And you also didn't spend years with Marta Karolyi, constantly being reminded that no-one is good enough until she says so"

"I'm starting to understand why Nick didn't let me go to camps until late last year," Kate said dryly. "Marta sounds like a treat"

JJ heaved a breath. "I… it's complicated. I hate the way we were always treated at the ranch. I hate the constant self-doubt that her program planted in my mind. But at the same time… she gave me the ticket to achieve everything I ever wanted and then some. I want to feel angry at her for the regime, but I'm also grateful to her for the opportunities I had"

"You always had Nick though," Kate said with a smile. "Nick's always looked out for us"

Nodding, JJ managed a small smile back. "Yeah, he's always been amazing… I don't think I've ever actually thanked him for everything he's done for me. Because, and this is just between you and me, but I've seen some really appalling coaching over my years on the national team, right up to the point where a few of them definitely could be arrested for abuse. I don't know how to put it into words just how thankful I've been to have Nick as my coach. I've never felt unsafe in his care, whether we've been here at the gym or halfway around the world at a competition"

Kate beamed. "I can't wait to go overseas and compete. It's gonna be so much fun. Hopefully you'll be there too"

JJ snorted. "Kate, by the time you're senior, I'll be long retired. I've told you a thousand times, this is my last season. This is my 'ending my career on a happy note' season"

Kate smirked. "Sure. We'll see"

Hearing her mother clearing her throat as she walked into the living room, JJ smiled against Will's lips, flicking her eyes up to look at him as they broke apart. She turned, shooting her mom a sheepish grin as she took a seat on the adjacent lounge.

"Get a room," Sandy teased, making Will's cheeks flush as JJ laughed and shifted to the side, snuggling up against his chest.

"Technically, we had one until you decided to come in," JJ replied, earning a grin in reply from her mother.

"And to think there was a time when you were afraid to even hold Will's hand around other people," Sandy said with a sigh, settling onto the lounge with an amused expression across her face. "How things have changed"

JJ rolled her eyes as Will chuckled at the exchange between mother and daughter. A comfortable silence fell over the three of them as their attention turned to the TV that Sandy had just switched on. As dramatized scenes between cheesy characters played out on the screen, JJ found her mind wandering away. In whatever show they were watching, the characters were making breakfast, moving around the kitchen and each other with small glances and light touches to illustrate their love for each other.

As she watched it unfold before her, JJ felt an ache in her chest.

She missed that. Waking up every morning with Will beside her. Sure, they had been living together in her childhood bedroom, but it was a step towards them eventually moving out on their own. It was a way for them to maximize the time they got to spend together in her busy schedule.

And now, most mornings, she woke up alone. While things were definitely getting better and they talked or saw each other almost every day, she missed having him by her side to start the day, and there again when it finished.

Lifting her head, she sat up slightly as she looked at his face, transfixed and slightly bemused by what was happening on the TV. And then he turned, having noticed her gaze out of the corner of his eye.

Her heart seemed to thud a million times faster and she knew she had to speak. Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath and forced herself to spit the words out of her mouth. "Would you consider moving back in with us?"

Her words hung between them, her heart hammering against her chest as she watched Will consider what she was asking. His face was unreadable, terrifying her that she had pushed it too far too quickly. But then he softened, his eyes warming as his face relaxed into a smile.

"I thought you would never ask"

JJ felt as though her body immediately flooded with a tidal wave of relief. Breaking into a huge smile, she threw her arms around him with an excited squeal, squeezing him tightly as he laughed and embraced her in return. Sandy beamed from across the room, a weight seeming to lift off her shoulders as she watched the young couple break down yet another milestone on the path to healing.

A short while later, Sandy had retreated upstairs to bed, and JJ and Will were making their way up as well.

"You… I can make up Jason's old room for you if you want," JJ said quietly as they reached the landing, suddenly overcome with a wave of shyness which made her want to kick herself. Will chuckled, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pressing a kiss to her temple.

"I didn't come all the way up here from Louisiana to continue puttin' distance between us now, did I?"

JJ relaxed, a relieved smile crossing her face as she reached out and pushed her bedroom door open. "I guess not"

Before long, they were snuggled beneath the covers, enveloped in darkness and wrapped in each other.

It was like just the few short months they had been apart had left JJ starving for his touch. Because right now, kissing him as slowly and as gently as she was, she felt like an eighteen year old all over again, swooning at her first kiss. His hands were clutching her impossibly close, one of them sliding under the hem of her shirt, his fingers grazing along her spine.

They stayed that way, mouths locked together, hands pulling at each other and threatening to wander further, protected by the blanket of darkness around them. JJ clutched at him, letting out a breathy sigh as he pulled away from her lips and began to kiss a heated trail down the side of her neck. Her mind and body were racing, burning at his every touch.

She felt a touch against her thigh, fingers dancing against warm skin and dragging closer to the hem of her shorts. Positively giddy with heat and arousal, she let her legs fall open slightly as he slid his hand between her legs and brushed her through her underwear, eliciting a soft gasp from her as he did.

And then Will suddenly pulled away, seeming to put as much distance as he could between the two of them. JJ froze, racking her brain over the last few moments, trying to work out if she had done something to push him away. But inevitably, she came up empty.

"Will?" she said softly, confusion hanging from her voice. "What's wrong?"

"I… god, I… I can't help it, JJ," he said sadly. JJ found his eyes in the darkness, noticing how he was avoiding looking at her.

"Can't help what?"

"Every time I kiss you… every time it's goin' somewhere, I just… I see… it. And I know that you're sorry, and I know we're workin' on it, but… it just makes me feel so hurt. And I can't make it go away. But unless it goes away, I can't… be close to you, like that"

JJ stayed silent, her eyes threatening to burn with tears as he spoke, but she swallowed hard against them, pushing them away as best she could. For he had every right to still be hurt and to still struggle getting close to her… she wasn't going to cry and make him feel even worse than she could tell he already did.

"It's ok," she said softly. "I understand"

"It doesn't mean I don't love you," Will reassured her, pulling her back towards him as they settled back down, JJ snuggled against his bare chest. "It's not goin' to be forever"

"I'm just glad that you're going to be here full-time now," JJ said with a small smile, tracing gentle circles on his pectoral with the tip of her finger. "Things are starting to fall back into place"

She felt him press his lips to the top of her head, the warmth seeming to radiate from her head all the way down to her toes.

"We got this, Jareau. All the way to the end"