A/N: Enjoy! Counting down to the wedding!
"No! Please, just leave me alone!"
"No-one wants me"
"Just let me go, let me go, I can't do it anymore!"
Almost as if his brain had been counting down like a kid to Christmas morning, Will was wide awake before the sun had even come up one early morning in March. Playing in a loop in his head were the sounds of that awful day, easily one of the most heart wrenching days of his life.
Turning his head to the left, his eyes fell to JJ's sleeping form. She was curled up on her side, her back to him, burrowed beneath the covers as she slept on, completely unaware of Will's restlessness beside her.
One year ago today, she had been pinned to the bathroom floor, begging him to let her go as blood poured from the deep gash in her wrist.
As the images rushed back at him, Will closed his eyes, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. So much had happened since then that it felt like a lifetime ago… how had it only been 12 months?
Knowing he wasn't going to be going back to sleep anytime soon, he quietly pulled himself out of bed, grabbing his phone off the charger and slowly making his way out of the room, pulling the bedroom door closed behind him. He yawned as he walked to the kitchen, stretching his arms up and tousling his hair. Flipping on the coffee machine as he passed it, he set his phone down on the counter, heading straight to the fridge to grab the creamer.
A few minutes later, he was leaning against the counter, a hot cup of coffee clutched in his hands as he stared absently out the window into the dark yard. Yet, he wasn't registering anything he saw. Because all he could see was the blood on his hands… the tears on JJ's pale face as she begged him to leave her to die…
He had recounted it many times in therapy. Talked about it with Sandy, and even once or twice with JJ. And it wasn't that they needed to talk about it anymore; both of them had healed and worked at it enough that they were ok, they had made progress. But anniversaries of this nature sucked. They always would. And it seemed like the universe just wanted to keep loading their relatively young lives with more painful anniversaries.
Unless he could find a way to turn it into something else.
"What are you doing up?"
Startled, Will jumped, some of his coffee sloshing out onto the counter as he turned to face a bleary eyed JJ. She gave him a small smile, lifting a hand to rub at her face as she yawned.
"Sorry… I didn't mean to scare you"
"S'alright," Will chuckled, grabbing a cloth from the sink and quickly mopping up the spilled coffee. "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Figured I might as well start my day. Did I wake you?"
"Kind of," JJ said softly, sliding up onto a counter stool as she got closer. "I could hear you rattling around in the fridge"
"Sorry," Will replied, lifting his mug up to take a sip. "I was off in my own world"
Frowning slightly, JJ tilted her head, studying his face with a curious expression. "Are you ok?"
Setting his mug back down, Will shrugged. "Yeah… why?"
"You just look a little… sad," JJ said simply, her eyes dropping down to the sleeve of the hoodie she was wearing, where a loose thread appeared to have caught her attention. Will watched her for a moment, before letting out a heavy breath.
"You know it's been a year?"
JJ looked up, her face showing that she didn't quite understand what Will was talking about. There was a short silence between them, until Will wordlessly reached across the counter and took her left hand, his fingers wrapping around her wrist until they came to rest against the scar running from just below her hand. Once a hard, dark line, it had faded over the months, slowly retreating with the darkness it had held until it was nothing more than a thin pink track down the center of her forearm.
For a moment they were frozen, neither of them sure what to do or say, until JJ's composure betrayed her. As she looked up at her fiancé, her eyes were swimming with tears, the look on her face driving a knife through Will's heart.
"Don't cry babe," he said softly, lifting his hand to her face and cupping her cheek with a gentle touch. "I… I know it's a bit of a heavy thing to think about, it's been runnin' through my head since I woke up, but… ultimately, today is a happy day. Because you're still here. And I still get to love you"
"What if it had worked?" JJ breathed, her voice shaking with the tears now running down her cheeks. Will shook his head, rounding the end of the counter and immediately pulling her into a tight hug.
"It didn't," he reminded her. "It didn't, Jayje. And for the last 365 days of my life, I have been so fuckin' grateful that it didn't. So today should be a day to celebrate. Because even though you got to the darkest place you've ever been in your life, you were stronger than everythin' tryin' to take you down, and you fought like hell to be where you are today"
Looping her arms around his waist, JJ tucked her face in against the fabric of his t-shirt, the tears melting away as he wrapped her in close and kissed the top of her head.
"We can leave space to feel whatever we need to today," he said softly. "If that's sadness, then so be it. But at the end of the day… you're still here, and you've worked fuckin' hard to be here… and we should celebrate that. Because that's amazin'"
Lifting her face, JJ tipped her chin up towards him, a small smile gracing her face through the last of her tears.
"I love you," Will said softly, a playful lilt in his voice as he smiled down at her and brushed her hair back from her face. JJ stretched up, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.
"I love you too"
*candid photo of JJ sitting at the kitchen counter, looking down at her phone which is laying on the bench top. She is wearing one of Will's hoodies, the fabric hanging on her like a dress. Through the window behind her, it is still dark, the sky only just barely beginning to lighten with the sun. She has her chin resting against her hand and teary eyes, tears still making their way down her cheeks. The scar on her wrist is clearly visible*
will_lamontagne12
Even though it may seem like it from what the world sees on social media, not every day in our lives is perfect.
I'm sharing this photo, and these thoughts, (with permission, of course) because this girl, this amazing human being, is also a person who has spent years carrying the weight of grief and trauma on her shoulders. And I know she looks like an absolute superhero out on the gymnastics floor, competing with confidence, smiling so bright the whole room lights up.. but she wants everyone to know that that is only one part of her.
The reality is, JJ has many different parts of her that make her who she is, but that the world may not necessarily realise are there.
Yes, she's a world class gymnast and Olympic champion, but she can't cook to save her life.
She's an absolute badass on the gymnastics floor, but she's also medicated for anxiety, depression, and PTSD, something that she used to feel ashamed of, but now wants to be honest about.
She's got a smile that could light the world, but when she cries, it'll shatter your heart into a thousand pieces.
She's experienced pain and heartache like no-one could imagine, and yet.. she loves like no-one I've ever known.
She's one of the strongest people I've ever known, and yet I have seen her as small and as vulnerable as a person can possibly get.
This morning was emotional for her. Because one year ago today, I was breaking down the bathroom door and pulling a pair of bloody scissors from her hands. At that point, I was so angry with her I couldn't even look her in the eyes, but I knew I had to save her. And I'm so eternally grateful that I did. Because for one more year, and god knows how many more to come, I got to love her, and she got to continue spreading her light and her love throughout the world as she reached for the highest pinnacles in her sport yet again, while also finding her new footing as we worked our way back to each other.
This photo wasn't taken to make her feel self conscious. I actually took it by accident. But when I looked at it again, I realised how human it is. To gym fans, to all the little kids who say they want to be like Jennifer Jareau, she seems perfect, untouchable, and superhuman.
But she's just human. Just like you and me. She has big emotions. She has trauma. She has a family who love her just because she's her. Not because she's an Olympian.
Today will be a tough day, a day to reflect on how far she's come, be grateful for what she still has, and spare a minute to allow herself to feel everything that's come rushing back at her. But tomorrow is a new day, and while it may not be perfect, she's going to stand up and give it her all, because she's tough as nails and stubborn as hell.
I'm so proud of her. And I hope the rest of the world is as well.
jenniferjareau94 I love you. Thank you for being there for me today and reminding me how much we have to celebrate. Wouldn't be here without you.
alyraisman couldn't have said it better myself Will. We've all got big emotions that don't go away just because of a gold medal.
shawnjohnson sending big hugs to both of you *heart emoji*
simonebiles you should be so proud jenniferjareau94, you're a real life superhero, not for how many medals you've won, but for the reality and honesty you're bringing to this sport *heart emoji*
|jareaumanar|
That picture Will posted almost had me crying. JJ looks so sad. And I know that's not actually what's going on in the picture but omg. I just want her to be happy. It's what she deserves.
|olympichampion|
It was such a clear reminder that these amazing athletes are also human. Will explained it so perfectly. She's human, dealing with human shit and human emotions. And I think the gymnastics world forgets that sometimes :(
|jareaumanar|
JJ, if you see this, we fucking love you. And we're so glad you're still here!