A/N: Special shoutout to Taylor Swift and The Tortured Poets Department for inspiring this chapter!
"So… it's been a while"
Picking at a loose thread on the cuff of her sweater sleeve, JJ sheepishly brought her gaze up to meet Rachel's eyes. There was a moment before either of them spoke, and when the silence broke, it was JJ's voice that filled it. "All… almost a year"
Rachel nodded, giving JJ a small smile. "You stopped coming to see me just after you and Will got engaged again. You must have felt like you were doing really well, which is great"
"Yeah, I… I guess so," JJ replied, unconsciously furrowing her brow as she spoke.
Rachel paused for a moment, her eyes narrowing slightly as she studied her patient thoughtfully. "You know, JJ, there's usually two reasons why a patient stops coming to see me. Or any therapist for that matter. Do you know what they are?"
"Well… one would definitely be that we feel like we're doing better?"
Rachel chuckled. "You know, the first time I ever met you, any question like that would have warranted either a shrug, a refusal to answer, or some sarcastic response. You've definitely come a long way since then"
JJ couldn't help the sheepish grin that spread across her face.
"But you're right. One of those reasons is that you feel like you're doing better. Which is fantastic, and it reminds me that in this profession, we work with so many different people who are dealing with so many different things, and sometimes it feels like we're hitting walls every which way we turn, but at the crux of it all, when those people leave our care because they feel confident to handle their trauma, it means we're doing something right"
Setting her notepad to the side, Rachel sat up a little straighter, her curious gaze fixing on JJ from the other side of the space. "The other reason is avoidance. Not wanting to deal with trauma, whether it be old or new. Falling into old habits. And those people usually end up finding their way back"
JJ couldn't help but look away at Rachel's words, her eyes finding their way back to her hands as they nervously fidgeted with the sleeves of her sweater.
"I'm not saying you did it intentionally, JJ," Rachel said gently. "You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here, because you're a little bit of a hybrid example. You truly were doing very well the last time I saw you. You looked so healthy and happy, planning a wedding that just a couple of months earlier, we didn't think was going to happen. You've gotten married, you got back into your sport, you opened your heart and shared your vulnerability to the world… you have a lot to be proud of, and you truly were doing well, so please don't think I'm disappointed in you for any reason, because I'm not. But nearly a year later, something has brought you back, and I think we can both agree there was probably still a lot to unpack the last time we saw each other"
JJ let out a heavy sigh, forcing herself to stop playing with her sweater as she shook her hands out and relaxed them back into her lap. "Yeah. I think you're right"
"So what made you call up for an appointment?"
The entire conversation has been building to that question, but when faced with actually having to answer it, the enormity of it all seemed to hit her squarely in the chest. Because the truth was, she couldn't pinpoint just one thing that had made her pick up that phone. The highs and lows of Worlds, baring her soul for the world to see, the fight in the Maldives followed by the intense fear that Will would grow tired of dealing with her and walk away, the guilt of watching her best friends wrestling with the realisation of having been sexually assaulted…
It was only when Rachel wordlessly reached out to her with a tissue that she realised there were tears running down her cheeks, spilling onto the front of her sweater. She took it without hesitation, using it to wipe the tears currently tracking down her cheeks.
"It's happening again," she said shakily, her voice cracking as she spoke.
"What's happening again?" Rachel replied.
"This. Everything. I'm… I'm happy, I am, I'm happier than I've been in a long time, but somewhere in the back of my mind I can feel myself putting up those fucking walls again, putting on that face where I tell everyone I'm doing great, only for it to all implode when it gets too much and the walls break again," JJ blurted through tears. "And I'm so scared because things are really good but I know there's shit I'm not dealing with, and I just… last year was so bad, I don't think I've ever stopped to realise just how fucking bad it really was, and I don't ever want to be in that place again and I'm scared that I'm heading that way and I don't know how to stop it"
"What makes you say that you're scared you're heading back in that direction?" Rachel asked, her notepad having found its way back into her hands once more.
"I don't know, I just… I don't know," JJ admitted shakily. "I can just… I can feel it. I don't know what it is, but something… something is there. And it's going to… something will go wrong and this will all be undone and I'll be right back where I started. I'm living waiting for the other foot to drop"
Rachel took a moment to digest everything JJ had said, before giving the younger woman a reassuring smile. "Do you mind if I come and sit on the other side of the sofa?"
JJ shook her head, sniffing back more tears while Rachel came to sit just a few feet away from her, notepad and pen still clutched in her hand.
"Let's take a deep breath," Rachel instructed gently. "Close your eyes and take a moment if you need to"
Obliging, JJ closed her eyes, forcing herself to take a breath and calm down as she used the tissue clutched in her hand to wipe away the tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"Ok," came Rachel's soft voice, prompting JJ to open her eyes again. "We're going to work through everything you just said to me. See if we can't unpack this and figure out what's going on, ok?"
JJ nodded meekly, pulling her legs up until she was sitting cross legged on the end of the couch and turning so her body was facing Rachel.
"Do you feel like you're saving face for people? Telling them that you're ok, you're doing great, when maybe you're not?"
"I try not to," JJ said in a weak voice. "I know that… I used to do that all the time. I try to be honest with my family and friends when they ask if I'm doing ok. And if I… if I can't bring myself to tell them exactly how I feel, I'll say I don't know instead of saying I'm fine"
"Ok. That's very good, JJ. So let's go back to what you've just told me… are you happy? Do you feel like you're doing ok?"
"I…," JJ started, pausing for a moment as she considered her words while wiping away a stray tear. "I… right now, yes. I'm happy… I don't feel depressed, or suicidal, or anything like that. It's not a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, I'm enjoying being at training, everything is… easy"
"So what do you feel?"
She opened her mouth to speak, hesitating at the last second as she pondered exactly what she wanted to say. "I feel… scared"
"What's scaring you?"
"Something just doesn't feel right. I just… I feel like I'm heading towards something that's going to undo everything I worked to overcome last year, but I couldn't tell you what that something is, or when it's going to happen. And I guess… I think part of me has always known that I avoided coming back to therapy even though I knew there was more stuff to work through, and… I'm scared about what cost that's going to have in the future"
"Have you talked to Will about any of this?"
JJ shook her head. "I… don't want him to worry"
"JJ, he needs to," Rachel scolded gently. "He's your husband. You have to be able to talk to him, to share your fears and your worries, even if you don't know for sure what they are. He's not going to be upset at you for telling him that you feel like your mental health might be getting bad again. In fact, I think telling him will help take you out of this scary place you feel like you're in right now. This unknown in your mind is scaring you because of what you feel like it might do to your relationships with your family and friends… but by bringing Will into the fold and communicating with him, anything that might happen is no longer going to blindside him"
JJ nodded slowly, swiping away the last of her tears and lifting her gaze to meet Rachel's.
"Do you feel like you can have that discussion with him when you get home?"
"I… yeah… yeah, I think so," JJ replied. She watched as Rachel made a quick note near the top of the page and realised she had barely noticed her therapist making notes as they talked. God she was good.
"You said you're scared you're heading back towards where you were last year. Do you feel that way because you know there's something going on in your head, even if you can't identify it?"
"I… more or less? I know there's something, because I just don't feel… right. But I couldn't tell you what it is. And because I don't know what it is, it's easier for me to wall it off and hope it'll go away or fix itself, but I don't want to do that because that's what happened last year… and I never want to feel the way I felt last year again"
Rachel gave her a small smile. "You have an incredible amount of self-awareness as a result of what you've been through, do you realise that? The fact that you can recognise things that might trigger unhealthy behaviours shows a huge amount of growth in the past twelve months"
"Thank you," JJ said quietly. "But it doesn't help me when I'm competing in two weeks and I feel like my head is a mess"
"It does, actually, because you reached out and got help before getting to a high pressure event that could potentially tip you over the edge," Rachel countered. "What competition do you have coming up?"
"The US Classic. It's the major qualifier for Nationals, and it's the first domestic meet of the season that gets broadcast on TV"
Rachel raised an eyebrow. "So quite a big meet then"
"Yeah"
"Do you feel like it's high stakes for you?"
JJ paused for a moment, tipping her head slightly in thought. "Sort of? I mean… yeah. I don't know"
Rachel chuckled. "You said it's the qualifier for Nationals. Do you feel confident that you can keep yourself in check for the meet and qualify for the next one?"
"Oh, I… I'm actually already qualified for Nationals. Because I went to Worlds last year," JJ said, a smile creeping onto her face. "So it's more of a… go out and show that I'm back from my injury and I'm ready for Nationals. Get my competition muscles warm again"
"That's a great opportunity then," Rachel said warmly. "You have a meet right in front of you, and while you may not feel like your head is in check, this is a great chance to go out and test your nerves in a competition setting. See how you feel during and after, and depending on what you bring back to me, we can adjust our tactics as you head into bigger competitions"
"Ok," JJ agreed. "That sounds… good"
Rachel chuckled. "All that aside though, are you enjoying your gymnastics?"
"Yeah, I guess so… for the most part"
"What do you mean by that?"
"I'm sort of… lost. I mean… I love what I do. I really do. But sometimes, I wonder why I'm doing this. Why I'm still doing this. I mean… I have ten Olympic medals. Double the amount of World medals. And yet, even when I think I might be done, something pulls me back. I just keep delaying the inevitable of retirement by putting my body through more wear and tear"
Rachel looked at her thoughtfully for a moment before taking a breath and leaning back against the couch. "Do you think it could be because you've always felt gymnastics was a safe place for you? And maybe you're scared of what waits on the other side once you let that go?"
"I mean, maybe?" JJ shrugged. "I don't know"
"That might be something we should dive into at some point," Rachel said gently. "JJ, I want to run a theory past you and see whether you feel it's accurate or not"
"Ok?"
"You're nearly 24. 24 is so young. You've only lived roughly a quarter of a lifetime. And yet in that time, you've experienced more than most people can even begin to imagine, a lot of it starting from a very young and formative age. Unfortunately, at such a young age, trauma can leave much bigger scars, because it's when your brain is still developing and learning how to process all these big feelings and emotions. When something happens like what happened to your sister when you were a little girl… it can permanently affect how you grow to respond to trauma throughout the rest of your life. And as a result… I think what your mind has learned is that to try and protect yourself, it's best to try and shove everything away into a little box and hide it forever"
JJ bit down on the inside of her lip, Rachel's words seeming to hit like fists against her chest.
"This is not something you learn to do intentionally," Rachel said firmly. "It's just a byproduct of your mind and your body trying to protect you at such a young age. Unfortunately for you, that was then further compounded by a lot of other events throughout your life. Even events that aren't inherently traumatic, like trying to survive high school as a teenager going through puberty… they all play a part in building on your first major interaction with trauma. And you know what I think, JJ?"
"What?" JJ asked nervously.
"I don't think your dad's death was the root cause of what happened to you last year. I think you had survived through 12 years, constantly repressing and pushing back all those ugly, scary, horrible feelings that came up because it was the only way you knew how to cope… and then your dad dying was the breaking point. The box couldn't take anything else, there was no more room to stuff anything else inside. But you kept trying to, and it was like… like when you're trying to shove all of your clothes into your wardrobe to keep your room clean, but you have to really force the door closed. You managed to keep it closed for a couple of months. But eventually it couldn't stay shut anymore, and it burst open, and all those horrible feelings came flying out"
JJ found herself picking at her fingernails again as Rachel's words washed over her.
"It's something we can work on, JJ," Rachel said reassuringly, making JJ look up. "It's not an easy thing to work on, but I know that it can be done. You just have to be prepared to take a bit of a deep dive into your life and start unpacking absolutely everything"
Heaving a sigh, JJ sat back against the arm of the couch, lifting her gaze up to meet Rachel's. "If that's what it takes to make sure I don't completely lose it again… then… that's what we have to do"
Will had started cooking dinner almost as soon as he got home from work, giving JJ time to have a shower and run through what she wanted to say to him in her head. Before long, she was walking back out towards him, dressed in sweatpants and one of his T-shirts, fully prepared to be completely honest with him.
"Hope you're hungry," Will said without turning around, having sensed her presence in the room.
JJ took a deep breath, smiling slightly at the happiness in his voice. "Can I talk to you?"
Will turned to look at her, a smile creeping onto his face. "Of course you can babe… you don't have to ask permission"
Sliding up onto the counter stool, she watched as he lowered the burner on the stove to the lowest setting and replaced the lid on the pot. He wiped his hands on the dish towel, tossing it to the side as he turned to face her, bracing himself against the edge of the counter. For a moment, neither of them spoke, but there was no urgency in the air; he was simply giving her the space and time she needed to say what she needed to say.
Heaving a sigh, she raised her eyes to meet his. "I went back to therapy today"
Will's expression softened, a hint of surprise playing around his eyes as he lowered himself down to lean on his forearms against the counter. "Is everythin' ok?"
"I… yeah. Sort of," JJ replied, biting her lower lip momentarily. "It's… kind of hard to explain? I… I'm not depressed, or suicidal, or anything like that, I… over the last few weeks, I've started to feel like there's something going on in the back of my mind that I'm not dealing with properly, and I… don't really know what it is. Which scares me, because if I don't know what it is, it's easier to put up those walls again and convince myself I'm fine, and… we know how that turned out last time"
"Ok," Will said softly. Shifting his weight, he reached for her hand where it was sitting on the stone benchtop, gently taking it into his.
"I just don't want to go down old paths," JJ said. "And I want you to know what's going on… one, because you're my husband and I don't want to keep things from you, and two, because… if it gets bad again, I… I don't want to blindside you"
"JJ, I'm really proud of you," Will said softly, his lips quirking into a reassuring smile. "This is… really healthy. You recognised that somethin' wasn't quite right, and you reached out for help"
Allowing his words to wash over her, JJ's face relaxed into a sheepish grin, a small laugh escaping her. "I know right, who is she?"
Will chuckled. "A changed woman"
The tension and anxiety she'd been carrying all day around admitting everything was suddenly rolling off of her in waves. Her shoulders relaxed, her hands winding their way around Will's and holding on tightly.
"So what's the plan goin' forward?"
JJ took a deep breath. "Weekly sessions with Rachel. She… she thinks I might be repressing a lot of shit from when I was younger, as well as everything that's happened in the last few years… I know I've dealt with some of it last year, but she thinks there's more to unpack, and I… have to admit I think she's right. So we're going to be unpacking a lot. And sometimes it's gonna really suck. But she thinks it's the best way to make sure I don't have another complete meltdown at some point in the future"
"Ok," Will said plainly. "Well… I'm always here if you want to talk about anythin'. You just have to say so"
"I know," JJ breathed, her face finally relaxing into a smile as she tipped her chin up towards him. "I love you"
Will smiled, leaning down and pressing a sweet kiss to her lips. "I love you too babe"