He woke to the blaring of the smoke detector and the smell of burning.
Johann rushed out of bed, checking to see if it was safe to leave his room. The door handle was cold, so he opened it and ran into the hallway, following the noise. He quickly discovered the cause of them.
In the kitchen, Kiana Kaslana was frantically trying and failing to put out a fire burning on the stove. She had filled a pot with water and moved to pour it over the fire when she heard him yell at her to stop.
"Kiana, don't move! I'll get the fire extinguisher!"
He ran over to the fire extinguisher, which was kept nearby, seized it, and sprayed the burning stove with foam until it died out.
Kiana's face was nearly as red as the fire. "I…I'm sorry…I was trying to cook breakfast, and…"
He checked her for burns. "Are you hurt anywhere?"
"No, I'm fine..."
Johann sighed with relief.
"I'm sorry for not thinking to use the fire extinguisher myself," Kiana confessed. "I…I panicked."
"Kiana, it's fine. I appreciate you trying to make breakfast by yourself. But if you needed help, you could have asked me. I'm happy to teach you everything I know about cooking."
Kiana slumped into a chair. "I can't do anything right."
"Kiana, everyone has their own set of skills. Not everyone can be a great cook, at least not at first. Just like how not anyone can be a great valkyrie or be great at caring for cats."
"I guess so."
He sat beside her. "What kind of breakfast were you trying to make?" Whatever ingredients that were once in the frying pan had become an unrecognizable mass of carbon.
"An omurice."
"That kind of omelette from the Far East? It sounds perfect."
"But it's just a heap of ashes now."
Johann cleaned the frying pan and disposed of the burnt food. "Then we'll just need to try again. Kiana, come over. I'll teach you."
Kiana watched and listened carefully as he guided her step by step on how to prepare the perfect omurice. To their relief, the one Kiana made with his guidance was acceptable, or at least edible.
"This tastes pretty good. I mean it," he said after a mouthful.
"It means you taught me well. Thank you."
"If you aren't sure how to make something, just ask me."
"I will."
Kiana scrutinized her handiwork. It was not the first time she had attempted to cook omurice. At St. Freya, it was something she always wanted to make. She set the thought aside and finished the rest. It was far from the best meal she ever had, but knowing she had made it herself, even if it had been with some help, was a point of pride for her. Seeing him enjoy what she had done made her feel better in turn. She looked forward to making more food for him in the future.
As she ate, she thought back to her reaction last night on the Ferris wheel. It was unwarranted. His words of encouragement were meant to help her, not hurt her, but she treated them almost like an attack. She knew she should not have, but her reasons for it had not changed no matter how much she wanted them to.
"Johann, I've been thinking about getting a second job at the amusement park," she said abruptly.
"You already have one at Sapphire Cat. Are you sure you can handle another?"
"I know. But the amusement park has part-time jobs on weekends. I have enough time for both."
"You're sure about this? I don't want you to overexert yourself. Especially with…" He trailed off, but Kiana knew full well what he meant.
"I'm sure. I won't be staying there for long. I just want to try it and see how it goes."
"Why the amusement park, though? There are plenty of other part-time jobs available in Soukai. You know that you'd be an employee, not a visitor. You'll be there to work, not to go on the rides."
"I know that," Kiana said. "Going on them all the time will get old real fast. No, I want to work at the amusement park because when we went yesterday, I saw so many people enjoying themselves, so many people who were happy. It…it made me feel better, just by watching them smile and laugh. I want to help them feel happy, too, by working there."
She finished her explanation and waited for him to consider it. Johann thought it was a very sweet thing for her to say. "It's good that you care about other people this way. I'll drive you there."
"Thank you so much."
They finished breakfast together.
"Kiana, I look forward to seeing what else you can make," he said. "Your omurice was a great start."
Kiana nodded. "I want to make more for you, too. Since you're always cooking for me. I wanted to repay the favour."
He rested his hand on her head. "If you cook for someone, you do it because you want to, not because it's transactional. You don't owe me any favours, Kiana. I cook for you because I want to. I still appreciate how you want to learn new things, just like your new jobs."
Kiana always liked feeling his hand in her hair. "I know. I do want to cook for you. Because…I really liked making that omurice with you earlier."
"I liked helping you with it. Anytime."
After a brief silence, Kiana checked the time. "Let's hurry."
They drove to the amusement park. After a bit of discussion with the park managers, Kiana was hired as its newest guide. She would help people get to where they wanted to go and would otherwise provide helpful answers to those who asked. She was good with people, so Johann was not concerned for her, but he wondered if Kiana's decision to work at a cat shelter was to avoid interacting with people as much as possible. If so, she had moved on from that worry, for which he was proud.
"Have a good day at work," he told her.
"I will. You'll pick me up at the designated time?"
"Always."
"Have a good day, too."
He did not have a good day.
He found himself staring at the entrance to the Crowbar.
—-
"Another glass, please."
The bartender refused. "You've had enough for one day."
He did not answer to that, nor did he get up from his seat at the front counter. He stared at the last few drops of liquid at the bottom of his cup, wishing he had enough to render him unconscious. Instead, he asked for a glass of plain water.
"Coming right up."
The cool, clear water was refreshing but not refreshing enough to clear the fog in his mind. He welcomed the fog. It muted the pain. He was a fool to believe he had moved on, that he had accepted what happened. His words to Kiana had little effect on him. He had suppressed his pain, but he succeeded only in worsening it.
"We used to come here whenever we could," he mumbled to no one in particular. "We used to sit in that corner. We would talk the night away. It was…"
"It was a way to escape the hardships of life, wasn't it?" the bartender asked, her red eyes inquisitive and interested.
"Yes…yes, it was. She was a valkyrie. She…she didn't have long to live. I promised to make her last year her happiest. Coming here together…I think I at least helped..."
"Oh? That's good, then. I'm sure she was happy because of you."
"She was…but not anymore."
Johann emptied his cup of water. The bartender refilled it.
"What happened to her?" she asked in a curious tone as she returned the cup to him.
He shut his eyes. "She…she saved my life. She saved everyone. But she couldn't save herself…"
"I'm sorry to hear that. She must have been important to you."
"She is. She always is…I gave her a rose, once. I had it preserved so it would never wilt. I still have it with me. I'll show you it next time…"
"A rose that never wilts? I'd love to see that."
"I'll come here again. This was always her favourite place to go."
Johann managed to stand. He took several staggering steps toward the exit. Enough of him remained to know that he was in no condition to drive. He dialled a tow truck to return his car to their apartment before returning home on the subway.
—-
He dreamed of the time when he was a young boy playing in a meadow with two others around his age. This was the only remnant of his childhood he had, and only in these confused, sporadic dreams. He remembered their laughter, their excited cries beneath the summer sky. The sky was as blue as her eyes.
Kiana's beautiful, bright blue eyes. They were filled with joy. He wished that her smile would never leave her lovely face. Then one eye burned gold like a cruel, vengeful sun, and then the last sky remaining in the other eye died. The smile did not leave her face, but it had transformed. It was an unhinged, sadistic one now. She reached for him with an outstretched hand and lovingly caressed his face with her fingers.
Kiana…no, don't go…
He woke up covered in sweat, his breathing rapid. He groaned and struggled out of bed. His head was clearer, hopefully clear enough to drive Kiana home from her new job. He checked the time and felt a surge of panic. He ran the risk of being late.
Cursing himself, he rushed out of the apartment, to the car, and then to the amusement park where Kiana was waiting for him. She raised a hand and waved.
"It's good to see you. How was your day?" she asked.
"It was fine," he lied. "How was yours? Was your new job just like how you pictured it?"
She quickly nodded. "Everything went great. I managed to help everyone who needed it, and I had a good time watching and hearing them enjoying the rides. I look forward to working here again next weekend."
Johann forced a smile. "That's good to hear. So, what would you like to do now? Should we head home, or is there something else you want to do first?"
Kiana considered the question. "I'd like to see the cats again, but that can wait until I go back to work there. So let's just head home for today."
They entered the car and started the drive home. Kiana described her job, but he was only half-listening.
"So, where did you go while I was working today?" Kiana asked when she finished.
"I went to a bar." He considered telling her more. He ultimately chose not to. Everyone had a right to a few secrets, especially if they were harmless ones.
"A bar? You were careful not to drink too much, right?"
"I wouldn't be driving if that weren't the case."
Somehow, she knew he was not telling her everything. "Johann. Don't keep secrets from me. Please."
"Kiana…?"
"If you're having trouble with anything, just tell me. I'll do everything I can to help you feel better."
He sighed. "Kiana…you're right. I did drink too much earlier. I had to arrange to get the car back to the apartment since I couldn't drive it myself. I'm better now, though. I promise."
Kiana did not look convinced, but his driving seemed steady. "Just remember what I said."
"I will."
Kiana looked at him with worry on her face. Then she sighed and focused on the road ahead of them. Outside, a light snowfall started to blanket the world.
In their apartment, Johann chose to prepare something special to return the favour from that morning and to make up for hiding anything from her. He tended to the ingredients with attention and care, but as the food took form, his thoughts drifted elsewhere.
The old Kiana is gone. She's never coming back.
Whether this was true or not, and he did not believe it was, that she had said something like this wounded him. Kiana had been steadily becoming brighter and more cheerful until that moment. The old Kiana was with him again, but her words made it clear that she had not been freed from her heavy burdens.
If there was anything he could do to help free her, he did not see it. All he could do was continue being there for her. Her journey was hers to make, not his. Kiana working a second job at the amusement park was a positive sign, and he clung to that hope.
When he set a large plate of sushi of many varieties before Kiana, she beamed. "Wow! All of them look so amazing! They're just like - "
She suddenly stopped speaking, her mood changing just as quickly. He carefully looked over the food, worried he had made some mistake.
"Kiana, I don't usually make sushi, but I wanted you to have something special today. Have as much as you want. There's more in the kitchen. I'll bring it over."
"Yes…thank you."
They shared the sushi over conversations about small, everyday things. Then Kiana regaled him with stories of what she had seen working at the amusement park earlier, and her story about a man who had lost his sense of direction after one ride too many and came to her asking for directions was Johann's favourite. What he noticed about Kiana, though, was that as much as she tried to hide it, her smile was strained, almost forced. She seemed to enjoy the meal, but then he remembered her loss of taste. He did not bring it up. It would only make her feel worse.
Perhaps the reason went deeper than that. Taste or no, he had prepared the sushi exactly the way Mei had taught him. Side by side, the plates would have been nearly identical. Kiana surely must have noticed this. Johann immediately regretted how he had failed to consider this while preparing them.
"Thank you for the sushi. All of it tasted amazing," Kiana said when they were finished.
"You're welcome. I can make them again anytime."
"Not too soon. The more often we do something, the less special it feels."
"I agree." Johann paused. "What do you want to do now? We have the rest of the day to ourselves."
Kiana stood up from the table and made her way to the living room. "Want to watch something? We have a lot of movies and shows to finish."
"Sure. You can choose."
"We can alternate. It's fair that way."
Kiana adored action films filled with fast-paced fighting while Johann favoured films that focused on psychology and explored the hidden and often dangerous depths of the human mind. Their differences in taste could not be more stark, but they both respected and enjoyed whatever the other chose.
When they had time for only one last film, they agreed to choose one at random. By pure chance, it was romance.
"Are you sure you want to watch this, Kiana?" he asked, uncomfortable about the very genre.
"Shouldn't hurt to try." Kiana was not as confident as she sounded.
With the recent tension between them, it was the worst film they could have chosen.
Kiana watched the couple gradually fall for each other over the course of a few months. She felt the female protagonist's emotions. She watched her embrace her lover and kiss for the first time, sealing their futures together forever.
…Mei…Johann…I…
They had commented on each of the prior films as they watched them. This time, they were completely silent. They did not even spare a glance at each other. Their hearts raced by the end. As the credits rolled, the uncomfortable silence continued.
He forced himself to stand up. "Kiana…this was fun. It's late, though. Goodnight."
"Goodnight," she said quietly.
—-
Kiana carefully fed Duchess the cat, making sure her plate was full. She rubbed the top of the cat's head."You're such a good girl, aren't you?" Kiana whispered. "You never misbehave like Nero or the others. You're just like Sora. I'm sure she would have loved to meet you."
She felt the calmest at the cat shelter. The cats all understood her. They appreciated her for who she was. They were better than most people she had known. Kiana quickly scolded herself for thinking that way. People could be terrible, but it was still for them that she fought for.
She had almost forgotten what it felt like to be hunted and on the run. During her months in Arc City, she learned the true meaning of fear. She had done little more than fight and survive even though she had almost nothing and no one left to fight for. She had no more friends, no more family. They all loathed her for what she had done. She was responsible for the deaths of millions and responsible for the death of -
She forced the thought away. She focused on his words to her that night, the words that gave her light in her darkness and strength in her weakness. She focused on her memory of waking up in the Helios after he had gone to incredible lengths to save her. She cursed herself for overreacting.
Duchess the cat seemed to notice her distress. Kiana petted her one last time before standing.
She had been living peacefully in Soukai City long enough for her to almost revert to how she used to be, when she was a normal valkyrie and not a Herrscher. It was the calm before the storm. There would be more fighting, more violence, more conflict and strife yet to come. But for now, she allowed herself to live the life she now had. The life she now shared with her captain.
Of the things she could control, her feelings were the hardest. Even the command over void that had once taken over her body were now hers to wield. She could control her life, and she could control her destiny, but she could not control who she loved.
When she first met Mei, she wanted to protect that girl. She had heard the news about her father, and she quickly saw the extent to which her classmates mistreated her. When they started spending time together, Kiana began to love her as a friend. After one fateful day, Kiana loved her even more than that. She would be there for Mei for the rest of their lives.
Kiana could not control who she loved. She loved Mei and always would. Because she could not choose who she loved, her heart hurt. When she felt his arms around her, holding her safe and letting her cry until she no longer needed to cry, her heart hurt. When they had fallen asleep in the forest and she watched his peaceful, sleeping face, her heart hurt. When they had watched the sunset from the highest point on the Ferris wheel, her heart hurt. When she remembered all the moments they had shared during the years they spent together, her heart hurt.
Why does love hurt so much?
"Sora? It's nearly closing time. I know you love the cats, but they'll still be there tomorrow."
She quickly looked up to see the manager standing nearby. "Oh, I was just lost in thought. You're right, it's time to go home."
The manager looked at her closely. "Sora, I have to say that you've seemed different lately. Is everything alright at home?"
"They are, thank you for asking."
"Is your boyfriend treating you right? You can talk to me if…"
Kiana quickly turned away. "He's not my - " she managed before stopping herself and leaving the building. His car was not there yet. She stood in silence. Then she started walking.
There were numerous stores along the street, but she was interested in only one. It was the clothing store where she had purchased the outfit for their first visit to the amusement park. This time, she had only one item in mind.
When Johann pulled up, he saw her cradling a package in her arms.
"Kiana? What's in that?"
"It's a secret."
—-
Johann was avoiding the Crowbar, so he spent most of his time in their apartment, especially because winter had arrived in earnest and with it, the snow. It piled up on the streets and buildings, covering Soukai City in a pristine blanket. The trees had long shed their leaves, but in return, they gained a coat of snow.
Kiana looked through the window at the snow blanketing the entire city. "It's so beautiful. It reminds me of St. Freya last year."
Johann put down his book. It was the first time in longer than he could remember that Kiana willingly brought up St. Freya. He walked to the window and stood beside her. "Yes, Kiana. There was so much snow last year. Remember the snowball fight? It came down to you and Bronya. You won. It reminded me of the story you told of how your father once threw a snowball through two meters of concrete. Project Bunny was tougher than that, but you still knocked her down."
Kiana did not say more.
"I know that a lot has changed since the last time we saw snow," he continued. "But Kiana, I will always be here for you, and so will everyone else who's waiting for you to come back to them."
He said that to reassure her. Whether he succeeded or not, it was time for her to head to work. They headed downstairs before Johann remembered that he had parked the car outside last night instead of the underground garage. He thought it would save them time. The car was completely covered in snow, forcing them to spend several minutes clearing it away. When he attempted to start the engine, it refused to. He cursed.
"The rental company isn't going to like this," Kiana said.
"Whatever. We'll just start using the subway from now on."
The city's subways were usually crowded to the brim with passengers. Kiana preferred to avoid that. "Can't you just rent another car?"
"I just checked. They don't have any left, and I don't think they'd be happy to rent to me again after I mishandled their property. Other rental companies might have more."
Kiana put her hand on his arm. "No, it's okay. Let's just use the subway to travel from now on. We won't be staying here for much longer, anyway."
He understood her meaning. They left the ruined car behind and walked to the nearest subway station. To their relief, it was only half full. They found empty seats and took them.
"So, when are you going to tell me what you bought the other day?" Johann asked.
She playfully bumped him on the head. "Like I said, it's a secret. When it's time for you to know, you'll know."
"Alright," he conceded, smiling, although he could not help but wonder if it had something to do with her birthday that was coming up soon. He had not given much thought on what he would gift her. Although he could not think of a suitable present, the gift itself did not matter. It did not even need to be special. What mattered was making her happy. She rested her head on his shoulder and took a brief nap as the train raced through the tunnels below Soukai City.
When they arrived at the amusement park, she asked him to stay.
"Just for a little bit. I want you to see what I do here."
"If that's what you want, Kiana."
Kiana was perfect for the job. She knew the park well and could answer any question with ease. There was a young child wandering alone and clearly lost. Kiana quickly picked her up and brought her to a help desk, keeping the girl calm until her parents could reunite with her.
"That was amazing of you, Kiana," Johann said as they watched the happy family walk away, leading their daughter between them by the hands. "Who knows what would have happened if you weren't there for her."
"You would have done the same for her," she said. "And that's why you're the best."
"Anyone would have."
Kiana shook her head. "No. Not anyone."
When it was Kiana's break time, they sat on a bench together, watching the crowds walk by and listening to their voices from the rides.
"Soukai City is so lucky to be untouched from…from all that's happened," Kiana said. Her voice was contemplative.
Kiana had been bringing up these subjects on her own lately. Johann hoped it was a sign of something better.
"Yes. Schicksal and Anti-Entropy can be thanked for that," he replied. "The world would be very different without them."
"Johann…"
"Yes, Kiana?"
"Do…do you think I should come back? As in, right now?"
It was a question that took him by so much surprise that he had no clear answer for it. For Kiana to ask it meant she might have already recovered enough from her stay in Soukai.
"I can't answer that for you, Kiana," he finally answered. "You need to ask this to yourself. Ask yourself: are you ready? Are you really ready to go home and see everyone again? Is this what you want to do instead of staying here a bit longer? What will you say to them when you've reunited?"
Kiana was quiet for a very long time. Finally, she shook her head. "No. I'm not ready. Not yet."
Johann released the breath he had been holding. "That's alright. You'll be ready when you're ready."
The break ended. Kiana returned to work.
—-
The last days they shared in Soukai City went by peacefully. They continued to visit the many locations the city had to offer. Johann would sometimes stay after he drove Kiana to Sapphire Cat, and he quickly befriended many of the same cats she had. They finished many more movies and shows, and he made her any foods she asked. He visited the Crowbar only once more, and it was Kiana who had to drive him back from it.
Kiana was happy, but she also was not. Neither was he. He still had not decided on the gift for her eighteenth birthday. It was difficult to believe that his fond memories of her seventeenth birthday were from less than a year ago. Lifetimes felt longer.
On that day, Kiana received her test scores, barely passing because of his painstaking efforts at tutoring her. She was celebrating it regardless before asking him to go somewhere outside with her. She led him across the island St. Freya was built upon until they came across the family of snowmen she had made, each of them representing one of her cherished companions.
She had forgotten to make one for herself, so he made one for her, and it was a perfect likeness. She was overjoyed. Johann wrapped his red scarf around her head to keep her warm. He meant for her to wear it only until they returned indoors, but he soon decided that she could keep it as her own.
He doubted she would care for a second scarf. It would not be anywhere as special as the first.
On the day of Kiana's birthday, he still had not found a suitable gift. Nor did Kiana mention anything about it.
What kind of gift would she like? Something small and simple. Something that shows what she means to the world. And what she means to me.
He could think of no such thing.
Cursing himself, he and Kiana took the subway to the amusement park together. After telling her he would meet her again later, he wandered into Soukai City in search of inspiration. He found none, but he did find a restaurant selling food he was sure Kiana would appreciate.
The food reminded him of St. Freya. It would also remind Kiana. The name of the restaurant was in Spanish, and its logo was of two smiling, anthropomorphic chickens standing back to back. When he left the restaurant, Kiana's shift had nearly ended. He quickly ran back to the amusement park where she awaited him.
"Hey," she greeted.
"Hey. How was work?"
"It was fine. Nothing bad happened, which is all I can ask for."
"Were you waiting a while for me? I was almost late…"
"No, you're right on time." Kiana checked her phone. "But if we don't get on the subway right now, we'll be caught up in the rush hour traffic! Let's hurry!"
Rush hour could be brutal in Soukai City. Unfortunately, they were too late. When they boarded the nearest subway car, it was already crowded with enough people that Kiana and Johann barely had enough room to themselves, forcing them to stand in the last remaining available space in front of the sliding door.
"We couldn't escape rush hour after all," Kiana pouted.
"There's no helping it," he admitted. "Soukai City is one of the most populous cities in the world."
"I know. Thirty million people, I think? Maybe more? Well - ah!"
The train's sudden start nearly made Kiana lose her balance. Johann caught her before she could fall. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Thanks. I usually manage to find a seat so this doesn't happen…"
"You can hold onto my arm if you need something to hold onto."
"Okay." Kiana suddenly brightened. "What's that great smell…"
"Kiana?"
"It's…is it what I think it is? Did you buy some fried chicken for me?"
"I sure did. I was keeping it a surprise until we got home, but you can have it now if you want. It's all yours." He pulled out the bag and offered it to her.
"Johann, thank you! You're the best!"
Kiana rarely looked as happy as she did then, devouring mouthful after mouthful of some of her favourite food. Nor did her loss of taste seem to hinder her. Perhaps this gift was enough on its own.
"Wait…did you buy this for my birthday? You remembered my birthday? Thank you...I actually forgot it myself…" Kiana said after she paused for a moment.
"Of course. How could I ever forget your birthday, a day so special?"
Kiana took another bite, uncertain what to say, before she stopped again. "Johann? Why are you looking at me like that? Did I get crumbs on my face?"
He laughed a little. "No, you're fine. I was just thinking that I hadn't seen you smile like this for a very long time."
It was true. She only just realized how she smiled when she saw what he had done for her birthday. What she felt in that moment, she could not easily describe. It was happiness. It was also remembrance.
Before she realized what she was saying, a cherished memory came to life. "At St. Freya, these were some of the best foods Mei ever made. She made an extra big plate of fried chicken wings for my birthday last year. remember? It smelled so good that I had to try a few pieces before dinnertime…but Bronya and Fu Hua stopped me, saying that I'd eat it all before dinner and leave nothing for everyone else. As if I'd be that selfish!"
Intentionally or not, Kiana had eaten entire plates on her own before, leaving nothing for the rest of them. Johann smiled at those memories. "Of course you wouldn't. You're a considerate person."
"Himeko and Theresa also got me lots of my other favourite foods, too. And so did you. My birthday party last year made me so happy. I…I haven't felt happy like that for so long…but today, I feel almost as happy as I was then…"
Her face fell.
"Kiana?"
She looked away, her face hurt and uncertain. "I…I don't know if everyone is still doing well…"
The train entered a tunnel, darkening their surroundings. It was not as dark as Kiana's expression. Johann did not interrupt her. These were words she had to release.
"Can…can I really go back to everyone? I hurt everyone. I never stopped hurting them. Even right now…Mei…Bronya…Theresa…"
For so long, she avoided speaking and thinking their names. For so long, she pretended they did not exist. To protect herself, she fled from them, both with her body and her mind. On this day, this special day, she had no choice but to stop running and confront her reality.
"Kiana, why are you asking this?" Johann said in a firm voice, doing his best to reassure her. "Of course everyone is doing well, and of course they all want to see you again. Mei, Bronya, Theresa…you're important to them and always will be."
His words did not help her. A tear formed in her eye, soon joined by more.
"I'm scared…I'm so scared of what they think of me. I'm scared that they'll only see the monster I am, not the girl I used to be. I'm scared that they won't forgive me for everything I did. My entire existence…it was all just a lie. I'm not Kiana Kaslana. I'm…I'm a mistake -"
"Kiana, stop. Don't say things like this. You are not a monster. You are not a mistake. You're you. You're Kiana Kaslana, and you always have been. Kiana, look at me."
Her tear-rimmed eyes looked at him.
"Kiana Kaslana, the words you just said are a betrayal of the feelings of all those who believe in you, who value you, and who love you. Mei loves you. She wants nothing more than to reunite with you. Bronya loves you. You're such an important part of her life. Theresa loves you. She's your family. She knew your mother. She named you when you were born. It doesn't matter that you're a clone of Kiana Kaslana because Theresa sees you as her just the same."
"But...Johann, I hurt so many people…I…I killed Himeko…do I even deserve to celebrate another birthday?"
The wound in their hearts had not healed and perhaps never would. He stood on the bridge of the Hyperion, watching Himeko's lifeless body fall and fall and fall. He screamed her name. He was powerless to do anything to save her.
But he could still save Kiana. He had to save Kiana.
"Kiana, that wasn't you. You aren't the Herrscher. She's the one who stole your body, and it was that bastard Otto who woke her in the first place. Never blame yourself for what others have done."
"If only I were stronger…I could have stopped her from…"
"You are strong, Kiana. You are the strongest person I know. You were the strongest I'd ever seen you the day you saved Arc City. Kiana, you saved millions of people that day. They don't know who you are. They will never know what you have done for them. But you protected all their lives, each and every one of them. This is something you should be proud of. Kiana, I told you the day you saved Arc City that you'd saved me with them. I was there, watching you as you rose into the sky. If it weren't for you, I would have shared the same fate as the rest."
Kiana's tears slowly stopped. She listened to every word he said and clung to them like a drowning victim to a life raft. Her heart still hurt, but his words were healing.
"You haven't changed from who you are," he went on. "When you see Mei, Bronya, and Theresa again, they'll see who I see right now. You've always been the brave, kind, and righteous Kiana Kaslana I know. They will all be proud of what you've done. I am proud of you."
"I…"
"Kiana, don't you have faith in them? After knowing you for so many years, do you think they'd just abandon you so easily? Wouldn't you have faith in them if you were in their place instead? I'll always accept you, Kiana. I know you have faith in me. So please, have faith in them, too."
His intense emotions escaped him unbound. Like Kiana, he had been suppressing them in his own wounded heart. He should not have. He still mourned Himeko and always would, but he had to move on. They all had to. Himeko would have wanted them to stay strong and not lose themselves in despair for her.
He had said all he could. What Kiana chose to do with his words was her choice alone.
The train exited the tunnel. Light poured in, illuminating her beautiful face.
Kiana gently pulled him in closer, closer than they already were, until their faces nearly touched. He lost himself in blue and gold. In them, he saw relief. Relief from the crushing weight burdening her all this time. Joy that she had finally gained the acceptance she had been trying so hard to find. And something else. Something deeper and very familiar that he could not name.
"Johann…"
"Kiana?"
"Johann, thank you. Thank you for saying so much for me. I really needed to hear it. I said some things that weren't like me…but now I know what to do. I'll make another promise, this time to myself: I won't run away from what I have to do, and I won't give up. I'll continue fighting as Kiana Kaslana for all the beauty in our precious world so that one day, I can stand side by side again with those who love me."
Johann smiled. Kiana smiled back.
"And I'm sorry for making you so worried for me," she continued. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did that night on the Ferris wheel…Johann, you were right. You were always right all along. The old Kiana never left. She was lost, and she was buried, but she never died. I am who I am, and I am Kiana Kaslana."
He teared up. He was so proud of her. He was so proud to be her captain.
"I have only one thing to ask," Kiana said. Her face was gentle and at peace. "Please continue to watch over me like this, okay? Johann, I can't imagine a world without you at my side."
Her words broke through the final remaining restraints holding him back from his true feelings. Without hesitation, he embraced her. He held her close to him so she would know he would always protect her.
He kissed her.
Kiana did not react. She could not react. She entered a new world, and she was lost. She was lost in the warmth of his lips pressed against her own and the warmth of his arms embracing her. Then she closed her eyes. This was where she wanted to be, right here, right now.
Just as quickly, he was gone. Her eyes opened, confused. She saw him avoiding her gaze. He looked disgusted with himself.
"K-Kiana, I'm sorry. I - I don't know what got into me. I shouldn't have done that. Forget that this ever happened." He looked horrified now.
Kiana reached up and gently held his face in her hands. Before he could react, she leaned in and kissed him again with all the passion she had.
Johann's mind screamed at him to resist, to stop this, that it was wrong. But Kiana's warm, soft lips were heavenly pressed against his own, as were her arms wrapped around him in a loving embrace, showing him that none of this was wrong. His resistance gave way as their kiss deepened. She let out a quiet moan as her tongue entered his mouth, and he moaned back, lost in their passion for each other and the love that they both had denied for too long.
Together, they were frozen in time. The rest of the world fell away. Only they mattered to each other. They were the entire world.
After an eternity, they released the kiss, both breathing hard. Neither was capable of speaking.
The train reached their destination. They walked home in silence.
—-
Kiana closed her eyes, immersing herself in the warm water falling from the shower. The sound of the running water flowing down her body did little to drown out her thoughts.
What they had done on the train was something she could never have prepared for. Her love for her captain had unleashed itself in full, completely unhindered by whatever hesitation she had before. She had suppressed it when he had comforted her in her room. She had fought it in the forest park, during the sunset, and during all the other close moments they shared, but she would fight them no longer. Her emotions would no longer be denied.
When was the last time I was so happy and safe with anyone? Was it with Mei?
She loved Mei. She always would.
But…I love Johann, too. I love him so much that it hurts. How can I be like this? How can I betray either of them?
Whatever she did now, it had to be better than doing nothing. Doing nothing after they had already done so much would result in only more heartbreak. Her memories raced before her. The moment they met. Their first mission together. Saving her from the Templar with the Hyperion's main gun. St. Freya. Tutoring her for her exams. Her birthday, last year and now.
She made her decision. Whatever happened because of it, she would accept it in stride.
Kiana finished showering. She wrapped a towel around herself and stepped outside.
—-
Johann slumped over at the dining table, resting his head on his arms. He was in turmoil.
Why did I do that? What came over me? Why did I kiss her?
It was wrong. He was her superior. It went against every regulation in every military. It was wrong to take advantage of their positions, and it was wrong to take advantage of a girl who had been in distress.
But we aren't at Schicksal anymore. Otto made sure of that. We defected to Anti-Entropy, which is much more tolerant about things like this. This doesn't matter anymore. And…she…she kissed me back…
He was making excuses. The real reason for his hesitation was Raiden Mei.
Kiana loves Mei. She made that clear early on. She's known Mei for much longer than she's known me. They went to school together. They survived Mei's awakening as the Third Herrscher together. Who am I to interfere with them?
It was too late. Johann could still feel how amazing it felt to be so intimate with Kiana in that magical moment. His love for her went beyond what he was willing to accept, but he wanted more than just a kiss from her no matter how much he tried to deny it.
No. I won't get in between Kiana and Mei. This isn't right. I'll speak to Kiana tomorrow and put this to rest.
"Johann? Are you there? I'm done with the shower. It's all yours now."
Her voice came from the hallway outside the shower. He did not turn to her direction as he answered. "Thank you, Kiana, and goodnight."
The shower was still warm when he went in. It still carried Kiana's sweet, soothing scent that he failed to ignore. Nor could he stop himself from envisioning Kiana standing in the same place just minutes ago. He watched the water flowing down her long, silvery hair, down her bare -
He slapped himself in the face. After he finished showering, he dressed himself in a towel and walked to his bedroom. He opened the door and froze.
There, sitting on the foot of his bed and wrapped in nothing but a plain white towel, was Kiana Kaslana.
"K-Kiana?! What are you doing here?"
She slowly stood up. Some drops of water fell from her hair. Her dual-coloured eyes burned with intent. "I was waiting for you, Johann. We still haven't finished what we started on the subway."
He squeezed his eyes shut, but it was already too late. Her beauty had entranced him. His heart raced along with his breathing. He could hardly believe any of this was real. "Kiana…that…that was…"
"Johann, when you kissed me, I felt happier than I could ever remember."
Her voice grew closer. She was walking toward him, and his body would not him move away.
"I know how you're feeling about this," he heard her say. "I know that you care about how I feel about Mei. You don't want to get in between us, and I appreciate that. It's true. I do love Mei. I cherish her and want her to be happy."
She stopped directly in front of him. With his eyes shut, her sweet scent was all he could sense.
"Kiana…" he barely managed to choke out, his mind showing her clearly to him behind his closed eyes. "Then stop this…go be with Mei. She's waiting for you. I'll be happy for both of you. I mean it."
"Being with you does make me happy. Johann, thank you for walking with me for this long, for this far. Those moments we shared together are all my most precious memories."
"Kiana…"
"Johann, do I really need to spell it out like this? I love you. I've loved you for so long. I tried so hard to deny it. I already loved Mei, so why was I feeling so strongly for you? Why? It hurt. It hurt my heart, and I didn't know what to do."
Johann could barely remain standing. He forced his eyes open to focus. He was met with the sight of Kiana's beautiful face…and the upper halves of her round breasts visible above the towel.
"Johann, why can't I love you, too? Why can't I love more than one person at the same time?"
"Because…because Mei might not accept it…"
Kiana sighed. "Mei and I were never actually together. She wasn't ready for a step beyond what we already had. I wanted more, but I didn't pressure her because I didn't want to risk what we had. Maybe I should have done more…but that's not the point now. Right now, what I want is to be with you."
He had no words. None would come.
"Johann, you've always been there for me no matter how badly I messed up. You've always protected me. I gave up on myself, but you never gave up on me. I love you for that, and I love you even more for trying to not separate me from Mei. It means that you truly care about my happiness. Even more than your own. But Johann, don't you deserve to be happy, too?"
Kiana's words changed something in him. They were the truth, and they set him free.
"Johann, please don't deny your feelings anymore. They will only destroy you from within. They nearly destroyed me."
Hiding his feelings was destroying him. No good could come from fighting them. Pushing her away now after all they had already done, after she had confessed everything to him, would destroy her. He had promised to protect her and keep her happy and safe. The time had come to fulfill it.
He met her eyes, showing her the meaning in his. "Kiana…you're right. I shouldn't deny my feelings anymore. I've already done this for too long…I understand everything you feel. I feel the same way for you. I love you, Kiana. I love you for who you are, and I promise to do everything I can so you can be happy."
Kiana gave him a sultry smile and stepped back. She reached up to the knot tying her towel together, the only thing keeping herself from him. Slowly, she untied it. The towel fell to the floor. Her beautiful, bare body was shown to him in all of her perfection.
She felt no embarrassment or fear. She could never be afraid with him. This was what she truly wanted.
Unable to speak, Johann ran his eyes over her silvery hair falling freely down her back, down to her bare shoulders, then to her flawless breasts, and finally her slender, sculpted legs before meeting her mismatched eyes once more. She was perfection given form, and she was ready for him.
He was so hard that it hurt, and Kiana knew it.