It's been a long day.

And tomorrow is still Lucy's birthday.

Tim knows that he should just let go of the idea that it's her birthday and that he wants to acknowledge it, because he broke up with her. He broke up with her, and it's clear she wants nothing to do with him.

Well, she wanted an adult conversation. But he couldn't give her that.

So what could he possibly give her for her birthday?

He'd had so many plans, so many ideas. This would be the first birthday for either of them – of many, they had naively assumed – that they would celebrate as a couple. He'd had ideas for the gift he wanted to give her. He'd been thinking of getting her another piece of jewelry since she'd treasured the necklace that he gave her so. He'd been planning a special night out for them. He'd hoped maybe they could even finagle the day off to spend together. He'd set reminders on his phone weeks ago – not that he'd thought he'd forget, but just in case he needed a reminder to put the finishing touches on one of her gifts or in case they got busy at work and caught up in something that distracted him momentarily.

He sighs and sits down on his couch, the cuts on his face stinging. He hears Kojo's footsteps, claws clacking on the floor as he makes his way towards him and sits, staring at him.

Kojo.

God, he feels guilt about everything – now that his mind is a little clearer. He still doesn't regret breaking up with her, not when he thinks about the bigger picture. He's a mess, and even though he's started therapy that doesn't change the fact that he is a mess. He has a lot of past trauma to work through, there are still things she doesn't know about him – things that would change how she sees him. He's inadvertently brought down her career by them even being together, he knows now he has issues with the idea of her working undercover and he has no idea how to overcome that.

She truly does deserve better than him.

But he feels guilty. He feels guilty about how hard she's taking this. He doesn't know what he thought – that maybe she would see his point and agree it was for the best. That she would realize she could be a detective right now if not for having been with him, that she could find someone who doesn't have a traumatic history with undercover work, that she could find someone who doesn't have childhood trauma to be the father to her children, find someone who knows how to open up to her to be her life partner, that she could have someone who doesn't bury things so deep he needs a lie detector to face them himself, that she was so pissed at him for ghosting her and lying to her and shutting her out that she'd be relieved to be rid of him.

He'd maybe expected her to be willing to say hi to him at the station, to engage in his small talk, to laugh at his jokes.

But all he ever saw reflected in her eyes was the pain he had caused her.

He feels guilty that she blew her whole career up over the five-player trade and it was all for nothing, now that he was kicked out of Metro and they weren't even together. Sure, they'd fought about the fact that she had done it, but in the end she'd been willing to take a risk for him and now it was pointless.

He feels guilty about the way he shut her out and left her in the dark in their last days together, probably making her doubt so many things about their relationship only to seemingly confirm them when he blew it all up after that.

He feels guilty about how sad she is.

He feels guilty because he knows she misses Kojo. When she'd left Kojo with him in the first place, she was happy to know he was going to a good home and delighted with the prospect of getting to see him from time to time. And that's when she was still a rookie, before they ever knew how deep their relationship would grow, how much time she'd end up spending with him and Kojo in the future. Now there's nothing left of them and her opportunities to see Kojo have vanished, too.

And he misses her. He misses her so much that he buries it deep and refuses to admit how much he misses her and he knows that's another issue he's got to work through in therapy.

If we do this and it doesn't work, I'll have lost the most important relationship in my life.

Yeah, he gets it now. He understands what she was saying that day outside the station – not that he hadn't before, but he'd been too blinded by the idea of them actually giving it a try to see past it, unable to fathom not taking the risk, that it could blow up like this.

Now they've lost it all. She won't even look at him. They don't even talk. She doesn't see Kojo anymore. Their friendship and working relationship blown to hell along with their romantic one.

He feels guilty that he convinced her, so easily and confidently, that it could be worth the risk.

Unless it is, he'd said with all the optimism in the world. And then it was him who threw her over the cliff and took away her parachute while he was at it.

He grumbles and runs a hand over his face as Kojo continues to stare at him.

Probably the one thing Lucy would love right now is to see Kojo.

Then he has an idea.

All he wants is to give her a moment of happiness, to take the pain he's caused her away from her for just a second.

He springs to action immediately – her birthday isn't until tomorrow, but he'll do this tonight so that if it backfires spectacularly, it won't ruin her actual birthday.

Maybe he can give her a little bit of joy without her ever having to see his face.

He moves with purpose, buying the card and the ink, getting Kojo's pawprint just right. He attends to the task like a man head over heels in love.

And he is.

And yet, he's the one who walked away.