Hastily-crafted ambrosia took on the appearance of a culinary masterpiece by a five-star chef when bits of it rested on the corner of his lower lip.
Despite the close proximity to their friends, she helped herself to a feast upon that lip.
"What are you doing?" he whispered, eyes trained on the scene before them.
"You had some ambrosia," she said. "I was helping you to clean it up."
"You can help as much as you want," he said, scooping her against his chest. "Dude! You slept with sisters!" he added.
From his spot under Brenda, Dylan raised his clenched fist in Steve's direction, with the tip of his third finger sticking out.
"Holy shit, you did sleep with sisters," said Brenda.
"I'm gonna kill you, Sanders," said Dylan.
"She is not my sister," said Valerie. "Look," she added to Gina, "I'm sure you're a perfectly nice person, but I have sisters. I don't need another one, and David's been known to be wrong before."
"I wouldn't've had them tell you if there was a chance I was wrong," said David. "Her mom's name is Alberta. From Long Island."
"That means nothing," said Valerie. "Tons of people live in Long Island."
"Tons of people named Alberta do not live in Long Island," said Gina.
"Then I can assume you've met every woman in Long Island and know them all by name?" asked Valerie. "Is there some kind of club where all the Albertas of Long Island gather?"
"I think I know Long Island and the people on it better than you do," Gina snapped.
"Even if your mom is the Alberta David and I were told about," said Val, "I don't want anything to do with any part of that family. The family I have is the one I built, from the ground up. The family I have are these guys." She waved her hand around the room. "They and Curtis are the only family I need. And Suzie." Valerie looked at David. "And my boyfriend's family."
"Do you know how many years I've dreamed about having a sister?" asked Gina. "If there's the tiniest chance that I have one, that I have a little sister, that you're her, then I want to know."
"The only way you're going to know is if I consent to a DNA test, and I ain't doing that," said Val.
"Maybe we should leave you two alone to discuss this," said Dylan.
Valerie rejected his proposal.
"Val," said Donna, "you do realize what it means if your mom is Gina's mom?"
"It means I'll know the woman who didn't want me," said Val, "and I already know enough people who didn't."
Brenda made to stand from Dylan's lap.
He pulled her back down.
"It's between them," he said.
"Val's gonna say something she'll regret," said Brenda.
"She wouldn't be Val if she didn't," said Dylan.
Their exchange had been a whisper neither Gina nor Valerie had paid attention to, but Clare had heard every word.
"Gina's my cousin," said Donna. "If her mother is your mother; Val, it makes us cousins."
"Dude!" said Steve. "You slept with cousins!"
"Shut up, Steve," said David, along with the rest of the room.
"I would like to point out that I have never slept with sisters, nor cousins," Steve told Clare. "Although if I'd been given the opportunity…" he stopped himself.
"Cousins?" asked Valerie. "You're – you might be my cousin?" she asked Donna.
"How can she be your cousin if I'm not your sister?" Gina grumbled.
"I know Donna," said Val. "I like Donna. I don't know you. All I know about you is that you slept with two of my exes and tried to get with my boyfriend."
"Dude! Hunter slept with sisters, too!" said Steve. "And a double dose of cousins! Man, wait until he hears about this. Man's repeatedly kept it in the family and doesn't even know it."
"You're going to have me rethinking this moving thing if you keep on like that," said Clare.
"Would never happen," said Steve.
"Could happen," said Clare.
"Wouldn't."
"And why not?"
"Because you're already packed and you hate unpacking. We're LA-bound, Babealicious."
Not for the first time, Clare internally questioned how she could have become attracted to a man like Steve Sanders, so different from her usual type.
Or how she had fallen intensely for him, to the point that they were, indeed, LA-bound.
Worse, she had already packed her car for the airport and received her temporary farewells from her colleagues at the lab that clinched her decision.
She reminded herself of the reason she had agreed. Rush needed Steve and, as much as Clare hated to admit it to herself or to anyone else, so did she.
"You don't know me," said Gina. "It's true. But I bet at one point, you didn't know any of them, either." She pointed to each member of Valerie's family. "Did you know Brenda or Brandon from the second you were born?" she asked Val.
"Close enough," said Val.
"And Dylan?" asked Gina. "You knew Dylan that long, too? Steve?"
"I know what you're getting at, and it won't change my mind," said Val.
"If you get to know me, you might like me, too," said Gina.
"I can't deal with this right now," said Val. "Bren?"
Brenda stood and walked over to Valerie.
"Clare," said Brenda.
Swiping her lips over Steve's, Clare stood to join them.
Donna asked if she should also go.
Brenda asked Donna to check on Aria, who had been brought to the nursery by Brandon and Kelly to avoid upsetting Aria in the wake of David's news.
"You could talk to Erica," said Brenda, seating herself on the bed beside Valerie. "She knows all about getting a sibling you didn't know existed."
"So does Kel, for that matter," said Clare.
"Erica was a kid," said Val. "Joy at least was the daughter of the father Kelly already knew she had. She didn't find out her whole family was a fucking lie and then learn she has an older sister who shows up to Christmas at her real sister's house, on top of it."
"Dylan wasn't a kid," said Brenda.
"Dylan probably expected his father to have another kid somewhere," said Val. "Brenda, you don't understand. If – if Gina's my sister, if Donna's my cousin, if, God forbid Felice is my aunt, then it means – it means that Daniel – that my son – that he – that he died so I could know about them."
"Oh honey." Brenda rubbed Valerie's shoulder. "It doesn't mean that at all."
"I should've never been in that lighthouse," said Val. "I should've never known about any of this, and then he'd still be inside me. I could've gone my whole life without finding out any of this shit."
"But you did find it out," said Clare, "and now you have to decide what to do with the information. I don't know Gina. I don't know if she's a woman any of us would want to befriend, but what I do know is that feeling of wishing you could've had a sister yourself, or maybe a brother. If I found out about a long-lost sibling like she did? Then I'd want to seize that chance to get to know them, too."
"I'm trying to put it behind me," said Val. "All of it. Trying to shed myself of everything Malone, of everything connected to them. Alberta; she – she was his half-sister. She's a Malone, a fucking Malone. I don't want to know her. I don't want to know Gina. I just want to fucking forget about it all!" Valerie's hands flew to her mouth. "Fuck! Bren! I – shit, I'm sorr -"
Brenda lowered Valerie's hands from Valerie's mouth.
"Do not finish that apology," said Brenda. "Don't censor yourself for me. You have things you wish you could forget, and that's fine. You can say it. It doesn't bother me."
"My entire life, I've felt unwanted," said Valerie. "Now that I have the confirmation that I was, I don't need it to be confirmed over and over what a waste of space I am."
"Who told you Alberta didn't want you?" asked Clare.
From Valerie's silence, Clare could figure it out herself.
"You don't know she told you the truth," said Clare. "Maybe Alberta did want you. You aren't going to know unless you speak to her."
"You sound like David," said Valerie.
"David loves you," said Brenda. "He wants to help you. We all do."
"I'm not sure I can be helped," said Val. "If I tell you both something, you've got to keep it between us."
Brenda and Clare both promised.
"The night David came back, I was," Valerie quaked, "I'd been – I was in so much pain, I just wanted to die. But death, it wouldn't come. So I – so I."
She didn't have to say anything further for them to both understand.
"I closed off," said Val. "I'm still closed off. I don't want to let anyone in, because every time I do, they're taken from me."
"You let David back in," said Brenda softly with a caress to Valerie's hair.
"I didn't," said Val. "I don't know how to."
"But you're with him," said Clare.
"I keep trying to break up with him," said Val. "He won't take no for an answer. He tells me I'm stubborn. We fight. At some point, we end up in bed, on the sofa, on the floor, and then it starts all over. But one day, he's going to tire of it. He's going to tire of me. He's going to leave again and I – I'm scared what I'll do when he does. I never should've let David get as fucking close as he has."
"He won't leave," said Brenda.
"They always leave," said Val. "Why should I let someone else close if we share some DNA when she'll just end up leaving, too?"
"Val," said Clare, "you do know none of us are leaving you, right? That anytime you need us, one of us will be there?"
"Until I fuck up again," said Val. "It's me. It's inevitable."
"If that were the case, I never would've gotten back together with Dylan," said Brenda.
"And Steve never would've gotten back together with me," said Clare.
"If you really wanted David out of your life, you would've figured out how to make it happen," said Brenda.
"I just don't understand why he isn't mad at me," said Valerie. "He should be furious. I couldn't keep our son inside long enough for David to get back and he isn't mad at me for it."
"Your life has been a series of unhealthy relationships," said Brenda. "You're in a healthy one right now, and that scares you."
"Malones don't have healthy relationships," said Valerie. "We just don't."
"I thought you renounced yourself as a Malone," said Clare.
"Doesn't mean I don't have fucking Malone blood running through me," said Val.
There was a patter at the door.
Looking at Valerie, Brenda called out for the knocker to come in.
Without saying a word, David crossed over to Valerie and took her into his arms.
"I figured out why you don't want to know if Gina is your sister," he said into the side of Valerie's neck.
"Because I don't want another sister," Val reiterated.
"Because you're afraid that you'll get close to her, and then she'll leave," said David.
Brenda and Clare silently excused themselves.
"Val doesn't have anything to forgive herself for," said Brenda. "I wish she could accept that."
"Val needs to feel strong, at all times," said Clare. "It's how she's able to remain standing through everything she's been through. She's been through so much this year that it's made her falter several times over, repeatedly self doubt, and she hates that. She hates feeling like she doesn't have control, and she hasn't been able to control anything that's happened since the lighthouse."
"You're very insightful," said Brenda.
"Just speaking from experience," said Clare. "Albeit significantly different experience."
"The abortion," said Brenda.
"What abortion?" asked Clare, taken aback that Steve would tell Brenda.
Or perhaps he had told Brandon, and Brandon had told Brenda.
"I see it in your eyes," said Brenda. "When Val talks about Daniel. You had an abortion, didn't you?"
"I did," said Clare.
"Do you regret it?"
"No. My only regret is that Steve didn't know about it when I made my choice."
"Because it gave you back your control," said Brenda.
"Now who's very insightful?" asked Clare.
"I'm worried about her," said Brenda. Her hand flattened against the door of the bedroom. The sniffles that sounded within it told Clare that Valerie may have started to cry. "Did you know she thinks she didn't want Daniel enough? That she's the reason he's gone?"
"Doesn't surprise me," said Clare.
"Except she did want him," said Brenda. "She very much wanted him. I see it in her eyes, too, and hear it in her voice. She wanted Daniel as much as I wanted my Aria. And I – I probably would be having the same thoughts if my Aria were suddenly gone, too."
"How is she?" asked Kelly, closing the door of the nursery.
"Adamant that she has enough sisters," said Clare.
"Is Brandon in with Aria?" asked Brenda.
"He's singing her a lullaby," said Kelly.
"This, I've gotta see," said Brenda. "I've never heard Brandon sing solo before."
"She has," said Kelly as the nursery door shut behind Brenda. "It was a memory with me, so of course she doesn't remember, but she has heard him sing solo. My baby has a nice voice."
"You might wanna talk with Donna," said Clare.
"Because Valerie might be her cousin?" asked Kelly.
"You pieced that together, huh?"
"Faster than the rest of them," said Kelly. "The woman who will probably end up my sister-in-law is the cousin of my best friend who's more like a sister to me. How weird is that?"
"We aren't going to know if Val refuses to find out," said Clare. "But they do look a lot alike, don't they?"
"I thought that from the moment I met Gina," said Kelly. "Surprised Valerie didn't notice. Is it weird that I kind of feel protective over her now?"
"Over Val? She has a way of getting you to feel that way about her," said Clare. "Eventually."
"Gina and I have disliked each other from the moment we met," said Kelly. "It's bad enough she's Don's cousin; now she might be Val's sister?"
"You disliked me from the moment we met," said Clare.
"You stalked Brandon."
"Not when we first met."
"If you're trying to tell me I'm suddenly going to start liking Gina, pretty sure you're way wrong."
"There was a time you would've said that about Val, too."
"Well, Gina won't be birthing my nephew before my eyes, or breaking down into my arms over losing him," said Kelly. "And with her history, she'll probably try to go after Brandon next."
"I heard she's with Matt."
"Dylan, Noah, Matt, plus she tried to get with David. You better hope she doesn't go after Steve."
"If she does and if she succeeds, then that's on Steve," said Clare. "Maybe you should give her more of a chance."
"I did give her a chance. She decided to use that chance to try to make Donna's life miserable."
"Don forgave her."
"Don forgives everyone," said Kelly. "It doesn't mean I have to."
"Brenda forgave you."
"If Bren knew half of the things Gina's done, she wouldn't like her, either."
Heavy footfall sounded upon the stairs.
"You two seen my wife?" asked Dylan.
"In the nursery with your daughter," said Clare.
"And Brandon," said Kelly. "He's singing."
"Better not stop the second I open that door," said Dylan. "You better get back to Sanders before he calls Hunter and tells him about the possible relation between his exes," he told Clare.
"Is Christmas Eve over, then?" asked Clare. "Should we leave?"
"It's on pause until dinner," said Dylan. "Bren didn't insist on cooking for hours for all that food to go to waste."
"And we still have Aria's presents for her to open tomorrow," said Kelly.
"You're just saying that because you want her to open yours," said Clare.
"I can't help it if Brandon and I got her the best present she's going to get tomorrow," said Kelly.
"Excuse me, that would be Steve and I who got her the best present she's going to get tomorrow," said Clare.
"Ladies, nothing you got my daughter will be as good as what her mother and I got her," said Dylan.
He disappeared behind the nursery door.
Brandon came out.
"You could've given me a little warning that McKay was coming in, babe," he told Kelly.
"He wanted to hear you sing," said Kelly.
"Then he'll be sorely disappointed, since Bren was the one singing when he walked in."
"I doubt he'll be disappointed about that," said Clare.
She appeared before Steve as she took the phone out of his hand.
"I wasn't going to do anything!" said Steve.
"Then how come you've typed in Noah's number?" asked Clare.
"How do you know Noah Hunter's number?" asked Steve as his eyes narrowed.
"I don't," said Clare. "You just confirmed that it is his number."
"Dammit," said Steve. "You girls trick us guys all the same."
"You're just easily tricked."
A throat cleared from the other side of the room.
"I think my coming here was a mistake," said Gina, fiddling with her crimped curls. "I've booked a hotel and I'll be flying out first thing tomorrow."
"You can't leave on Christmas morning," said Steve. "That's the best part of Christmas."
"Matt said he'll meet my plane in Philly," said Gina. "I can at least spend Christmas with him. Valerie has made it clear that I'm not wanted here. I don't need to stay where I'm not wanted when I can spend Christmas where I am."
"Val's been through an awful lot," said Steve. "She's just having a hard time adjusting to more unexpected news."
"I'm sure that when she's been able to think it through a little longer, she'll want to know the truth as much as you do," said Clare.
"All I know is anytime I get involved with anyone in your gang, my life gets shittier," said Gina. "Maybe Valerie's right. Maybe we don't need to know each other. I'm actually in a good place in my life right now. I'm actually happy, for once, and maybe it's better that I don't complicate that."
"Val's a handful," said Steve. "She can be a real bitch, manipulative as they come, but when she decides that she cares enough to let you get close to her? It's one of the best feelings on the planet."
"Can concur," said Clare. "If Val thinks you've become important enough to her to allow you her loyalty? Then God help anyone who tries to mess with you."
"Just look at the way she is with Bren," said Steve, "and that'll tell you all you need to know about our Val."
As if she had known she was being spoken of, Valerie returned to the living room, wrapped around David.
Multiple people strolled in behind her.
"Gina's rebooked her flight," said Steve.
Gina directed a head motion at Steve.
"For tomorrow morning," said Clare, earning the head motion herself.
"You should stay," said Valerie.
"You'd rather I leave," said Gina.
"You can leave after Christmas," said Val.
"And then, what, we'll never see each other again?" asked Gina.
David encouraged Valerie with a nudge of his chin against the top of her head.
"Let me get through the end of this godawful year in one piece and then we'll talk about it," said Val.
Gina accepted.
Clare answered the front door.
"Sorry we're late," said Andrea. "I couldn't get Hannah to tear herself away from the community center's Dreidel long enough to get her dressed. Did we miss anything?"
The other members of the gang looked at each other and shook their heads with slight laughs.
"Have I got a story for you," said Steve.
"Here," Andrea handed Hannah a bag, "go put these under the tree while I talk with your uncle."
Hannah took the bag as she looked around the room.
"Where's Aria?" she asked.
"Come on." Brenda pulled herself away from Dylan. "We'll put the presents under the tree, and then we can go see Aria."
"Otay, Auntie," said Hannah.
"Think I'm gonna join them," said Dylan. "B? Let us know when dinner's ready?"
Brandon said he would.
Valerie went outside with Brandon and David.
Steve looped his arm around Andrea and began to overexaggerate the details of what she had missed.
"You know Donna's my best friend," said Clare.
"Is she?" asked Gina.
"She is," said Clare. "I want to like you, so it'd be nice if you didn't do anything to hurt her. Do you catch my drift?"
"Loud and clear," said Gina. "Do you think Brenda knows the role I played in Dylan's addiction?"
"What role did you play?" asked Clare.
"Let's just say he didn't always get his narcotics himself," said Gina.
"I think it's better if Brenda doesn't know that," said Clare. "And if anyone's going to tell her, it's going to be Dylan."
"If he was going to tell her, he would've done it already and I wouldn't be invited here," said Gina.
Clare realized it was going to be difficult to figure Gina out, perhaps more difficult than previously trying to figure Valerie out.
"Are you sorry you did it?" asked Clare.
Gina said she was.
Clare said they would leave it at that, though she couldn't resist adding that Valerie had also been with Dylan during a drug addiction.
"You do have a resemblance to Val and Brenda both," said Clare.
"What resemblance?" asked Gina. "Valerie's eyes are more similar to Brenda's than they are to mine."
Regardless, Clare thought that in Dylan's two drug-induced stupors, he may have hallucinated Brenda instead of the two sisters he had been with.
If they were sisters.
"Though, now that I think about it, Valerie does have my mom's eyes," said Gina. "And - and the same rounded face...the same cheekbones...oh my God. She looks more like Mom than I do!"
Their movements were the same, Clare noticed at dinner. They picked up their forks the same, dished out their lasagna the same, cut their pieces of steak the same.
When they picked out the tomatoes from their salads at the same time, Brenda pointed it out.
"Doesn't mean anything," said Valerie. "Lots of people hate tomatoes."
Gina put down the salad prongs.
"Come to Long Island," she told Valerie. "You can meet Alberta – Bobbi – and from there, you can decide what you want to do."
"Can't," said Val. "I'm too busy with my brother and with our business."
"Is that why you were too busy to fly out to Finland for Christmas?" asked Brandon.
"Stay out of this, Bran," Valerie warned.
"It might not be a bad idea to at least meet her, baby," said David. "You can hear straight from Bobbi's own lips about what happened that night at that fucking lighthouse."
"David!" said Andrea.
Hannah held out her hand expectantly.
"As if I'm the only one to use that word," David grumbled as he fished out a markka to hand to Hannah.
"You're the only one who has used it in front of Hannah," said Dylan. "Not even I would stoop so low as to curse in front of an innocent child, Silver."
"Oh please," said Brenda. "You dropped the F bomb at least five times yesterday in front of Aria."
"You're supposed to be on my side, babe," said Dylan.
"I'm also supposed to be truthful," said Brenda sweetly.
"Just wait until you have to fork out a markka," said David.
Valerie removed several markka from her purse, handed it to Hannah, and warned Andrea to take Hannah out of the room.
"Why do you care so much about me finding my fucking mother, David!" Valerie shouted as soon as Hannah was out of earshot.
"Because I know she wanted you!" said David. "I know she did, and I want you to know it, too!"
"She didn't," said Val. "None of them did, none except – except him. I already know what happened that night at the fucking lighthouse! I'm not going to fucking Long Island to hear it all over again and if you don't like that David, then you can fucking move out."
"Can't we go one fucking night without you trying to dump me?" asked David.
"Maybe I want to be alone!" said Valerie. "Maybe I'm meant to be alone! Maybe I deserve to be alone!"
Brenda stood, joining her hands in a time-out motion.
Pushing back his chair, David stood and pressed into the table.
"I'm not leaving you," he told Valerie. "So you can just fucking learn to deal with that. Break up with me all you want, as many times as you want. But know this: as hard as you try to push me away, I'm not going anywhere, Val."
"You did," said Valerie as she also stood. "You will again."
Valerie rushed out of the room. David's backside hit the chair as if he had been forced back down to it.
"I told you," he said to Dylan. "She thinks I abandoned her. She knows I didn't, but she still thinks it."
"I'll talk to her," said Brenda. "Erica?" she asked her sister-in-law. "I think Val could use you right now, too."
"She didn't mean it, David," said Erica. "Honest, she didn't."
"I just need her to come back to me." David's face lowered to the table, to the opening within his crossed elbows. "But I'm starting to wonder if she can. Or if she – if she wants to."
Clare had never sat in front of David as he had cried before.
It was unsettling.
Dylan gestured to Brandon.
"I think this calls for some guy time," said Dylan. "C'mon, Silver."
Brandon and Dylan raised David up.
"I'm going to check on Val," said Kelly.
Equally upset, Gina left for the hotel.
"Some Christmas, huh?" asked Clare.
"It isn't over yet," said Steve.
"Happy Birthday, Donna," said Andrea as melodious church bells outside trilled midnight.
"I'll make sure it is a happy one," said D'Shawn.
Donna tucked her head into his shoulder.
"You make every day a happy one," she said.
"Only the best for my best girl," he said.
"Bet you if I hadn't been around, this Christmas would've been different," said Steve. "Christmases are always cursed when I'm part of them."
"It's our Aria's first Christmas," said Donna. "That alone should save it."
"And it's a white Christmas," said Clare, pointing to the window where beautifully-designed snowflakes had begun to slap against the pane.
"I can't remember the last time I had a genuine white Christmas," said Donna.
"I've never had a white Christmas," said Steve.
"I grew up with tons of white Christmases," said Clare.
"So did the twins," said Steve, adding that if the snow piled up high enough, he was going to challenge Clare to a snowball fight.
Donna said she would be making snow angels.
Andrea and Hannah were the first to bundle up and step outside the door.
Steve followed with Clare, then Donna, then the others in a steady trickle.
"I've always loved snow," said Valerie. "That was the one good thing about growing up in Minneapolis and Buffalo."
"You didn't think it was that great when Jim Townsend beat you in that snowball fight," said Brandon.
"I'll challenge you to a snowball fight, Brandon Walsh," said Val.
"Bren and I will challenge you both to one," said Dylan.
"Clare and I will whoop all your asses," said Steve.
"Not with Kelly on my team," said Brandon.
"As if Kel can throw a snowball to save her life," said Donna. "I can throw one better than she can."
"I call Donna's team," said Erica.
"No fair," said Steve, "she'll have D'Shawn on hers and with his b-ball skills, that's an automatic win."
"Hence why I've joined it," said Erica.
Valerie declared herself part of that team.
"If you can't take the heat, Sanders, you can always forfeit," said D'Shawn.
"Sanders men do not forfeit," said Steve.
He forced David to join in.
The group paired off. Chunky snowballs soared through the air, pelting various members of the gang or their significant others until one by one, they were eliminated from the competition.
"That's it for us," said Dylan. "Bren's wiped."
"Kel, too," said Brandon.
"I want a rematch," Steve told D'Shawn.
"Maybe another night," said D'Shawn. "Don's ready for bed. Aren't you, Don?"
"Very much so," said Donna, with an elongated yawn to prove it.
"Can I stay at yours tonight?" David asked Brandon.
"So much for not leaving me," said Valerie.
"I'm sorry," said David, "I thought you wanted to be alone?"
"It's half-two in the morning," said Dylan. "None of you are driving anywhere at half-two in the morning. Figure out your sleeping arrangements. Bren and I are gonna relieve Mom of Aria, and then the three of us are going to bed. If anyone yells loud enough to wake up my wife or our daughter before Aria's feed, there will be hell to pay. You get me?"
They got him.
Erica offered to share her room with Valerie.
David opted to stay near Steve and Clare.
"Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing?" he asked, stripping down to his boxers. "That I should let Val go?"
"You should if that's what she wants," said Steve, "but I know her, and it isn't. You're just gonna have to keep hanging on, Silver. Val isn't lost to us. She's just wandering off the path a little bit right now. It might take some time, but she's a hellhound. She's a fighter. She's going to claw her way back."
"If Abby wasn't already dead, I'd kill her myself for what she's put us through," said David.
Clare almost asked for details on what Abby Malone had put her friends through, but decided against it.
If she was going to be told, David or Valerie would have to tell her on their own time.
"That's why you want Val to meet her birth mother," said Steve. "To give her something to focus on."
"She's thrown herself into work," said David. "It isn't enough of a distraction."
"Just know that sometimes, meeting your birth mother doesn't turn out the way you planned," said Steve.
Clare and Steve put in a call to Los Angeles, where Ryan answered the phone and assured them that Rush had partaken in a hearty dinner.
"Dad's excited to see you," he told Clare. "He said he's been waiting for you to pick back up on the chapter."
"It's been months since I was out there," said Clare.
"And Dad's been waiting since," said Ryan. "Samantha offered to read the next chapter to him, but he said he was waiting for you."
"My mom offered to read to Dad?" asked Steve.
"I was as shocked as you are," said Ryan.
He inquired whether Erica was around, and whether he could speak with her.
"She's asleep," said Steve.
"I was just going to ask her if her flight's arriving the same day as mine," said Ryan.
"Haven't you guys been emailing?" asked Steve.
"You aren't supposed to know that," said Ryan.
"He didn't," said Clare. "Damn, you Sanders men are easy."
They had thought it would be nicer if they both had a friend when they touched down in the country that would become their new residence for an indeterminable amount of time, said Ryan.
"She's not that much younger than you," said Steve. "Feel free to ask her out."
"But be forewarned that you're opening yourself up to death by Dylan McKay's hand if you do," said Clare.
"That's why Clare's better than you," said Ryan. "You wouldn't've given me that warning."
"It was heavily implied," said Steve.
"Like I really want Dylan McKay to be angry with me," said Ryan.
"He gets that way with everyone," said Steve.
"Dylan hasn't been mad with me," said Clare.
"Yet," said Steve.
Clare stretched out in what she believed to be her bed, until becoming alert enough to realize she had slept on the McKays' sofa with Steve.
And to recognize the bleary shadow that sped past the sofa.
"Bren?" asked Clare. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to Gina's hotel," said Brenda. "No one should be alone on Christmas."
"Okay," said Clare, "I'll come, too."
"Doesn't look like you can untangle yourself from Steve," said Brenda.
It would be a feat, Clare determined, though not impossible.
"I thought I would talk to her," said Brenda, "outsider to outsider."
"You aren't an outsider," said Clare.
"I was at one time," said Brenda. "Go back to sleep. I won't take long. I'll be back before Aria even wakes."
"What do I tell Dylan if he asks where you are?"
"Tell him I'm doing the same thing he would do."
Clare gave a sleepy nod, telling her friend a merry Christmas as Clare's eyes closed.
"Happy Christmas to you, Clare," said Brenda.
Clare's Christmas would have been happier if she hadn't awoken to Dylan tearing through the house.
"Has anyone seen Brenda?" he asked. "She wasn't in our bed when I woke up and she isn't answering her phone!"
"Calm down," said Brandon. "She probably went to look at the snow in the backyard."
"Except I checked the back garden already, Einstein," said Dylan. "And before you tell me to check the nursery, she isn't in there, either." He held onto the baby monitor, in which Aria was revealed to be sleeping soundly.
"She said she's doing the same thing you would do," said Clare.
"The same thing I would do?" asked Dylan. He snapped his fingers. "Gina. She went to Gina's hotel."
"Then I'll call Gina and make sure Bren's over there before you make the trip," said Donna.
Gina said she hadn't seen Brenda that morning.
Dylan paled at Donna's information.
"Fuck!" he said. "Dammit, Brenda!"
"Maybe she's on her way to Gina's," Donna suggested in an attempt to be helpful.
"This is because of me," said Val. "Bren's trying to fix things, for me, and now she's probably gone and gotten lost, hurt herself, because of me."
"Val!" Clare admonished. "Dylan, I'm sure that's not -"
She didn't finish her sentence, for the determination on Dylan's face told her that he had stopped listening.
He put Andrea in charge of Aria, grabbed his keys and helmet, and barked an order at Brandon to stay close to the phone.
Stepping halfway out the door, Dylan's helmet tumbled from his grasp.
The group followed behind as Dylan sprinted down the driveway to meet the police car.
"Are you Mr. McKay?" asked one of the officers.
"That's me," said Dylan. "What happened?" He brought the palm of his ring hand against the back window.
"We found your wife parked in a snowbank on the highway," said the officer in careful English.
"A snowbank on the highway?" asked Dylan.
"The shoulder of the highway," said a second officer.
"Is she in trouble?" asked Brandon. "Can you let her out of the car?"
"She will not come out," said the officer.
"She will for me," said Dylan.
He opened the door, holding out his hand.
"Bren?" he said. "You're home, baby."
"We're all here, Bren," said Clare.
Brenda guardedly sidled out of the car.
"Tell me what happened," said Dylan.
"It was so awful," said Brenda. Fresh tears skated upon her tear-stained cheeks.
Dylan thanked the officers and walked Brenda towards the rest of the gang.
"What was awful?" asked Brandon.
"They died," said Brenda. "They died, because of me."
Brandon and Dylan aimed their alarm at each other.
"Did you," Dylan stroked Brenda's back, "did you remember something?"
"The train," said Brenda. "I remembered the train. I remember Zahur being thrown from the window. I remember – I remember Shane screaming his name. I remember Shane and Mina both pushing me out of the way, that – that Mina shouted at Shane that they – that they had to protect the baby. I remember them – the furniture – I – I remember that they're dead, because of me."
"They aren't dead because of you," said Dylan.
"You can't blame yourself for others' deaths," said Valerie.
Multiple looks were exchanged, though no words were spoken to have Valerie accept her own point; not even by David.
"Let's get you inside," said Dylan.
"I didn't make it to Gina's hotel," said Brenda. "She's going to be alone on Christmas. No one should be alone on Christmas."
"Right now, I'm more concerned about getting you inside," said Dylan.
"I'll make you some tea," said Kelly. "How does that sound, Bren?"
"That sounds good," said Brenda. "I like your tea."
Valerie gave a long, drawn-out, overdramatic sigh as she looked at those who remained.
"Give me her damn number," she said.
Donna handed over her own phone with a smile.
"You'll find it in my recent calls," said Donna. "Look for the New York area code."
"Told you," said Steve as he and Clare were left alone. "My Christmases are cursed."
"We can still salvage Christmas," said Clare.
If it weren't for Hannah's excitement over her mountain of presents and Aria's wonder over the shiny bows on hers, Christmas may not have been saved.
Everyone eating their fill of Brenda's cooking certainly helped.
"No offense, guys," said Dylan, setting down his plate of pie that Cindy had brought by for the few hours she, Jim, and Iris had spent with them that afternoon. "You know how Bren and I feel about all of you, but I think next Christmas, we're gonna keep it small."
"Don't blame ya," said Steve. "Clare and I will probably do the same."
"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do," said Gina, "but just think about visiting Long Island. Okay?"
"I think I'll visit LA again before I visit Long Island," said Valerie, "but I guess I'll give it a thought. A lot of thought. Could be months of thought. Could stretch into years. Maybe a whole decade."
"That's Val speak for it probably won't take that long," said David.
"I don't need you to speak for me, David," said Val.
"You want to sit in separate sections on the plane, Val?" asked David. "Because I'm sure I can call and get that arranged. Especially since you've decided we'll both be better off if I moved out."
"I didn't say we'd be better off," said Val. "But," she bit her lip, "but maybe we should both move. To another place. Because – because if I have to keep stepping foot into the bathroom where Daniel was snatched from me, I'm going to lose my mind."
"If you felt this way, Val, why haven't you said anything?" asked David.
"It's our first apartment together, David," said Val. "I didn't want you to know that it feels tainted."
"You could've said," said David. "'Cause it's tainted for me, too."
Considering that she would be sharing the first leg of her flight with them, Clare was glad that David and Valerie were back on decent terms with each other.
"Is it bad?" asked Brenda as she and Clare said their emotional goodbyes. "Is it bad that I remembered the train before I remembered my husband?"
"What did I tell you when you started the trial?" asked Clare.
"You said my memories would come in random spurts if they came at all, that there might not be any rhyme or reason to them," said Brenda.
"You remembered a traumatic experience," said Clare, "the experience that put you in this position. Remembering that could open you up to all kinds of memories, including more about Dylan."
"I think he was disappointed," said Brenda. "He'll never admit it, but I think he hoped that I had remembered something other than Baja."
"I think he was more worried about his wife showing up escorted by the cops than the content of your memory," said Clare.
"It certainly was a Christmas to remember," Brenda laughed.
"Or to never speak of again," said Clare. "Though I'm still the aunt who got Aria the best present."
"I think Kelly would beg to differ," said Brenda. "You know Dylan's going to hide my car keys from me now."
"That might be for the best," said Clare, "just until you can ensure you don't park in highway snowbanks whenever your memories return."
"The side of the highway," said Brenda. "I was able to focus long enough to pull off onto the side."
"It was daytime," said Clare. "Let's refrain from finding out what could happen if it happens again at night."
The evening skyline of Helsinki became obscured in the clouds as Clare rested her head on Steve's shoulder.
"Maybe we should spend next Christmas in LA," she said.
"Can't promise you an LA Christmas won't be just as dramatic," said Steve, "especially with the Sanders clan involved."
"Then we can spend it with my dad," said Clare.
Steve asked if Paris snowed at Christmastime.
Clare said Paris was indeed known to snow around Christmastime.
"Then Christmas in Paris is a plan," said Steve. "It'd be good to see the Chancellor again."
"Former Chancellor," said Clare.
"He'll always be the Chancellor," said Steve.
Clare was woken by a frantic tap on her shoulder.
She groggily lifted her head to see David bending down to her level.
"Val needs you," he said.
Clare lifted the blanket off her lap and tucked it around Steve, whose mouth was wide open with a dribble of drool formed in his own sleep.
They possessed the finances to have easily booked two seats in first class but had opted for economy to be closer to David and Valerie.
"Val?" asked David. "I got Clare."
"Clare?" asked Valerie. "Have you ever thought about what would happen if you opened the window mid-flight and thrust yourself out of the plane?"
"No," said Clare, sitting beside Valerie, "and neither should you, considering I'm pretty sure you'd get in heaps of trouble if you opened a window mid-flight."
"They have an emergency exit," said Val.
"For emergencies," said Clare.
"She keeps saying things like this," said David. His chest shuddered as he swallowed. "I don't know what to do. I'm – I'm usually the one who can help her when she gets like this and I – I don't know what to do."
"I'll take it from here," said Clare. "Go sit beside Steve and I'll get you when Val's out of her trance."
"Can she be out of her trance?" asked David, though he complied with Clare's order.
"I've thought about it," said Valerie. "Loads of times. I've thought about tons of things I probably shouldn't think about. Like jumping off of lighthouses."
"Did you," Clare sought to maintain her easy demeanor, "did you jump off of a lighthouse?"
"I tried," said Val. "David stopped me. It'd be – it'd be better for everyone if he hadn't. Bren wouldn't have stopped in a highway snowbank if David hadn't stopped me."
"Pretty sure she would have," said Clare. "Surely you know how much Brenda loves you; Val, how much we all do. Surely you know how much you mean to us; to me, to Steve."
"But why?" asked Val. "Why do I mean anything to any of you?"
"Because when Brenda needed someone to take care of her, you were there," said Clare. "When I needed a friend, you were there. When Steve needed to deal with the news I gave him, you were there. When Dylan was struggling in getting Bren to realize his ardor for her, you were there, suggesting they take a trip together. Why can't you see how many times you've been there for us, Val? Why can't you see your importance in all of our lives, even Kel's?"
"I told her," said Valerie. "I told Abby that I was loved. Telling her that cost me David, and it cost us our son. I want to be unlovable, the way Abby said I was. I don't want to be loved by anyone because all it does is cost me things. Things of value."
"Well, I hate to break it to you," said Clare, "but we're all going to love you whether you want us to or not, so you really should just deal with it. Unless you want to be the one to tell Bren that she isn't allowed to love you?"
Clare spent the rest of the flight over the European continent comforting Valerie in the plane's lavatory.
"Occupied!" she shouted to the knock on the door. "Can't you read the dial?" she added under her breath.
"It's me."
Clare opened the door a crack.
"Please give me a reason I can bring back to Silver about why he has no reason to be terrified for Val," said Steve.
"I think we all need to be terrified for Val," said Clare. "Whatever Abby did to them really did a number on her. This is more than losing Daniel. Abby told her things; things Val took to heart. And when she lost David, then Daniel, it clinched whatever Abby had told her."
Valerie moaned into the toilet.
"Did she take something?" asked Steve.
"Too many sleeping pills, I think," said Clare. "She said she was trying to stave off her nightmares, but that they came anyway. And she's still blaming herself for that thing with Bren."
"Should we postpone LA and insist on crashing with them?" asked Steve.
Clare said she thought that would make everything worse.
"She just needs to let David back in," said Clare. "If she can do that, then she won't feel so alone."
"Until she does, Silver's feeling alone, himself," said Steve.
Another splash in the toilet.
"That's it," Clare encouraged Valerie. "Get it all out."
"I don't want to feel anymore," said Valerie. "I just want to go numb, the way I did in the ocean. I should've stayed in that ocean. I liked being numb. I want to be numb again."
"That's where I come in," said Steve. "Your turn to sit beside Silver," he told Clare.
David wasn't much better.
"I just wish I could reverse the clock," he said. "If they hadn't been able to grab me that day, they couldn't have grabbed her – them. They couldn't have grabbed them, and then maybe Val would still love me."
"It isn't that she doesn't love you," said Clare.
"It's that she doesn't want to love me," said David. "Tell me, Clare; how is that better? Tell me how all the progress I made with Val could clatter to pieces in a single day?"
"I don't think it was a single day," said Clare.
"Yeah," said David. "It was the seventeen days I was gone. Seventeen days destroyed her life and, in the process, destroyed mine."
"You made it through her time in prison," said Clare. "You can make it through this."
"Can we, when Val keeps putting herself back in that prison?" asked David. "When she keeps finding reasons to pull away from me? When the universe keeps pelting her with those reasons? When they keep snowballing?"
"You just can't give up on her," said Clare.
"That, Clare, is something I'll never do," said David.
Steve walked towards them, carrying Valerie.
"You're gonna have to have a lot of patience with her," he told David. "Again."
"I'm trying," said David. "I'm really trying. I just – I wish that Val could see that I'm grieving, too. That's selfish." He almost trampled over his words in his haste to take them back. "Isn't it?"
"No it isn't," said Clare, "because you are. And she does know that. I think it's why she's pulled away from you, because she's scared that all she'll ever give you is grief."
"The sooner she realizes that I'm grieving the more she shuts me out, the better off we'll both be," said David.
"Patience, my man," said Steve. "Patience."
He and Clare returned to their seats.
"Do you think they are sisters?" asked Steve.
"Val and Gina?" asked Clare.
"They do have the same dark hair," said Steve.
"So do Bren and Val," said Clare.
"Yeah, Dylan was totally dreaming of Brenda when he fucked them," said Steve.
"Not sure I want you to think about any of those women fucking anyone," said Clare.
"If we upgrade to first class, we could get some privacy," said Steve.
"We'll have plenty of privacy when we get to LA," said Clare.
"Have you met my brothers?" asked Steve.
"No," Clare played along, "are they cuter than you?"
"I'll have you know no one is cuter than me," said Steve.
""No one' includes me," said Clare.
"You're an exception," Steve winked. "You know, I heard about this thing called the Mile High Club."
"Oh?"
"Supposed to be a super elite organization, taking new members."
"Tell me more about this Mile High Club," said Clare. "Does it have any perks?"
"It's chock-full of perks," said Steve. "All kinds of blond perks."
"Then sign me up."
"With pleasure," said Steve as he lifted a giggling Clare and stopped a flight attendant to ask about using the first-class lavatory.
They likely would have needed to pay for an upgrade if Steve hadn't let slip his surname.
"Sanders?" asked the flight attendant. "As in, Samantha Sanders of The Hartley House?"
"She's my mother," said Steve.
"Oh my God!" said the flight attendant. "I grew up on that show! Your mom's my heroine!"
"If you give me your mailing address, I'll get you an autograph," said Steve.
After a few flight attendants and the pilot had also made the request, they were given a free upgrade to first class.
Then proceeded to make good use of the first-class lavatory.
"With the amount of flying we all do, one of us should buy a plane and share it among ourselves," said Steve.
"Good idea," said Clare. "So you'll be purchasing that plane, then?"
"If we can be the first ones to christen it," said Steve. "And I want to take you to the Cloud Forest of Costa Rica."
"The Cloud Forest of Costa Rica?" asked Clare.
"I hear they have orangutans there," said Steve.
"They also have them in the forests of Sumatra," said Clare. "Along with tigers, elephants, leopards, bats."
"Bats?" asked Steve. "Did you say bats?"
"Does the idea of a bat freak you out?" asked Clare.
"On the contrary," said Steve, "I'd think bats would freak you out."
"I'm in love with Steve Sanders," said Clare. "Nothing can freak me out."
"Say that again," said Steve.
"Nothing can freak me out?"
"The other part." He drew Clare tighter into his skin.
"You already know I'm in love with you," said Clare.
"And I'll never get tired of hearing it," said Steve.
Clare suggested they exit the lavatory before they were accused of hogging it from the other passengers.
They retired to their cabin, in which they also made good use of the luxurious bed.
"You're a Sanders now," Steve murmured to Clare. "Unofficially or otherwise. Plenty of luxuries like this await a Sanders."
"I know a little something about luxuries," said Clare.
"You know about princes' private planes," said Steve. "But how many first-class plane cabins have you tussled the sheets in?"
"I can honestly say I never tussled the sheets in any plane," said Clare.
"See, Babycakes?" said Steve. "We both did something for the first time. So go ahead and make your plans, because life's too short for us to not squeeze every moment out of it we can together. Sumatra. Costa Rica. Paris. Wherever, whenever. Name the place, and we'll go there."
"You thrive on spontaneity," said Clare. "You don't make plans."
"I'd make a hundred plans with you," said Steve, "especially if we can tussle more sheets in more plane cabins, across multiple continents."
They could do that a couple more hundred times and each time, Clare thought, would feel like the first time.
Because each time she had been with Steve since their reunion after their long-distance had felt like the first time.
A feeling she hoped would never dissipate.
-x
Tossed in that last bit due to Ian's imagining of Steve as an orangutan farmer in the Cloud Forest of Costa Rica.
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(Shout-out to KJ to express my continued gratitude and appreciation, as well as those of you whose review I could respond to directly. KJ, this story has taken so many twists and turns, even I didn't see all of these coming!)
Thanks a million! x