Author's note: CW for child abuse

X

Remus woke up slowly; first noticing the feeling of arms on him and then breathing in the scents of his friends. He woke up fully, then snuggled down deeper between James and Peter, not wanting to get up. It was still rather chilly. He just wanted to go back to sleep… his friends were so comfy…

"Remus?"

Sirius was shaking him back awake. "Huh?" he snorted, blinking in confusion.

"Don't you have class?"

Remus stared at him then looked at the clock. It was seven-forty-five and Arithmancy started at eight. He bolted upright, swearing slightly as he clamored over Peter, apologizing for accidentally kneeing him in the chin. He didn't have enough time to do anything except throw on clothes, grab his satchel, and run.

As he ran through the corridors, he swung his satchel over his shoulder and tried desperately to comb his hair with his fingers. He also tripped twice, since one of his shoes wasn't laced up, and when he finally skidded into Arithmancy at exactly eight, he had blood all over his robes. Everyone stared at him and he tried to keep his face impassive as he took his seat, doing his best not to breathe too hard, and also doing his best not to blush when Talkalot took ten points off Gryffindor for his 'unseemly' appearance.

After class, Aegis tried to talk to him but he apologized and ran off again, this time to the loo where he finally, finally, finally emptied his bladder. He tried not to let out a groan since there was someone else in the room, but Merlin it felt good. He washed his hands, tied his shoe, and then looked in the mirror. His hair stuck out at all angles and there was a rat's nest in one section. Scowling, he carded his fingers through it until the knot came free. It still looked terrible but not quite as bad.

"Your breath stinks," James told him when he finally arrived at Muggle Studies.

"I didn't have time to brush my teeth!" Remus complained. "Thank you," he added when Peter handed him a small packet of toothflossing stringmints. He popped them in, chewing and sucking quickly before Lewis started the class.

"You could have at least tried to get ready for the day," Sirius said as he reached over and began using his fingers to comb through Remus's hair, sending bolts of wobbly heat through his body. "Your tie is a disaster, your socks don't match, and your jumper is inside out."

"I—I n-needed to get to class!" he squeaked out, hoping the stammering wouldn't sound too weird. Sirius was still trying to fix his hair. It was too much.

"Being a couple of minutes late wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world," James suggested.

"Exams. Are coming. Up!" Remus snapped, unable to take it anymore and swatting Sirius's hands away even though he also wanted Sirius to never stop touching his hair. "I've never taken an Arithmancy exam before, I do not know what to expect! It is the same for all the other electives, and for Defense since I don't know what to expect from Charlemagne, and frankly if any of you had any shred of sense whatsoever—"

"Ew," James said.

"—you'd be doing more too!"

"How's the bubble stuff coming along?" James asked.

Remus groaned. "You're not even listening to me."

"Nope. Whenever you start going on about the exams I more or less ignore whatever you're saying," James replied honestly.

Lewis came into the room and Remus swallowed the stringmints, choking a little since Sirius was now untying his tie and fixing it. "You should fix your own tie," he managed to hiss out since Sirius's tie was just in one little loop.

Sirius shrugged as he tucked Remus's tie into his inside out jumper. "I don't care about points removed." He gave Remus's chest a pat and sat back.

After Muggle Studies, Remus started working on a bubble spell again, deciding that going in a circle around the room was too conspicuous even if he was under James's cloak. He didn't want to risk the cloak being discovered. He worked on it all during free period, while the other three discussed what they might do to the carriages for the upcoming Hogsmeade trip.

He wasn't paying much attention until he heard Sirius say something about the Daily Prophet and a contest. He glanced up from his scribbles, wondering what they were talking about until he realized that the photography contest Peter had entered a couple of weeks ago would announce the winner on Friday.

"I'm not gonna win anything," Pete protested. "I'm sure loads of people entered the contest. Ones with pictures much better than mine."

"Yours was amazing though," James said, and Remus nodded in agreement. The photograph Peter had submitted was during a sunset, with the various colors shining off the lake. The trees had just started to change colors too, so the entire photo was a blaze of brilliance.

"If someone from the club won, it'd be Craggy," Peter argued. "Her photographs are so nice. Nicer than mine. But we all know it'll probably be some professional photographer, an adult who has a business taking pictures."

Fifteen minutes later they were in the Great Hall and Remus saw the ceiling was no longer frozen over. Nobody was allowed outside yet and outdoor classes were still canceled, but he figured everything would be normal by that night. He wondered what would happen to the witch who had done it, and that night he asked Fawley if she knew anything about it.

She was wearing a dress like usual, though she had thick, woolen tights on underneath because she wasn't sure what to expect, and a thick, heavy jumper was draped next to her.

"She's being investigated," she told Remus after he asked. "I really don't know much more than that. Tampering with weather on such a massive scale like that is illegal because of the threat to the Statute of Secrecy, so I expect she'll end up in Azkaban."

Remus shuddered, a sick feeling spreading in his stomach at the name of the big prison. That's where my parents would end up, if anyone finds out. He chewed at his nails, trying to shake the thought out of his head. There was also the small jail in Wimbourne, though that was just for very minor things. A threat to the Statute would definitely be Azkaban.

"How did you manage last night?" she asked. "I expect it was terribly cold."

"It was." He pulled his feet onto the couch and wrapped his arms around his legs. "James, Sirius, Pete, and I slept on the floor near the heater. On James's mattress. It kept us all very warm. I slept in, though. Probably because it was so warm with all of us together like that. I was nearly late for class."

Miss Fawley opened her mouth to say something else, however her words were cut off as someone knocked at the door. Remus stared, his entire body frozen in fear for some reason; he wasn't even sure why he was afraid. Possibly that it was someone who shouldn't know he was there?

"Who is it?" Fawley called out, sounding calmer than she smelled.

"Albus Dumbledore," came the reply. "Remus has a… visitor."

Miss Fawley turned in Remus's direction. "I don't know about this," he whispered, sliding off the couch and going over to unlock the door. Who could possibly be visiting? Through Dumbledore? He opened it and stared up in slight horror at his father. Behind him stood the headmaster, his lips pressed thin.

"He said he needed to speak with you," Dumbledore said. "He said it was an emergency."

"Mum?" Remus's eyes darted to his father as his chest seized up. He pictured his brittle, heartbroken mother and regretted everything bad he ever said to her. "Is she…?" Tears began welling up before his father could even answer.

"Your mother is at home," Lyall said, coming into the room. "Hello, Miss Fawley."

"Hello, Mr. Lupin," she replied coolly.

"It's a good thing I caught you this evening," Lyall said, a strange smile on his face. "I was hoping to speak to you as well." He turned to the Headmaster. "If I may?"

"Of course," Dumbledore said, stepping back. "Remus, if you don't mind bringing him to my office when you're finished?"

Remus mumbled something and Dumbledore left. Lyall took another step into the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Is there a problem?" Fawley asked.

"There is," Lyall said stiffly, all pleasantness drained from his voice. "I need to speak with Remus privately, but first I wanted to tell you that if you intrude on our family matters one more time, I'll tell Professor Dumbledore that we need another Occlumency teacher."

"What?" Remus gasped out. Miss Fawley kept her face emotionless. "Dad, you can't—"

"In addition," Lyall continued, ignoring Remus, "if my son needs to know anything about his past then I will be the one to tell him."

Fawley tilted her head. "It is my understanding that you refused to tell him."

Lyall's nostrils flared and Remus was scared there might be a fight. "He is my son," he hissed out. "What you did was not right. You intruded onto something you had no right to intrude on. You may be his teacher but that is all you are, Fawley. This is a family matter and you are far from family. Do you understand? I said, do you understand?" Lyall repeated when Miss Fawley remained silent.

Remus stared wide-eyed as Fawley slowly stood up, fingers gripping the head of her cane so tightly her knuckles were white. "Perfectly," she said icily.

"And if I find out you're filling Remus's heads with these rebellious thoughts he's had lately, I will make sure you are held accountable."

"Dad!"

"He is a teenager, Mr. Lupin," Fawley said, twisting her cane. "All teenagers have rebellious thoughts at some time or another. He is simply being a regular boy—"

"He isn't," Lyall interrupted. "He isn't a regular boy, he is a werewolf. He can't afford to be a regular boy with regular outbursts and feelings." Something tightened inside of Remus's chest at that and he felt like screaming. "Now, please leave for a moment so I can talk to my son." He held the door open for her. "The door is open—"

"I am aware of that." Her voice was like steel. Electrified steel. It nearly made the hairs on Remus's neck stand on end. "I shall be waiting in the corridor outside if you need anything, Remus—"

"He won't," Lyall said and neither of them spoke another word until he shut the door behind her and rounded on Remus who began backing up. "Sit down."

Remus meekly went to the couch and sat, trying to keep himself from collapsing. "Miss Fawley isn't filling my head with anyth-thing," he protested.

Lyall went over and backhanded Remus. "You have hurt your mother. Didn't you notice I never said she was all right? She isn't. She is at home, crying almost every single night because of what you've done, but you don't even care, do you?."

Remus cowered back on the couch, a hand against his stinging cheek. "I tried asking but you—"

"Don't talk back to me."

He opened his mouth then closed it, gritting his teeth so hard he felt they would shatter. Injustice dug its claws deep into his body, rousing the wolf inside. Fight back, it hissed in his head. This isn't fair, this isn't right! The wolf paced, its growling making the hairs on Remus's body stand on end.

"I've come to talk about the holidays—"

He knew he should interrupt but he burst out with, "I'm n-not coming home for Christmas!" then shrank back, raising his hands to protect himself since he figured Lyall would hit him again.

Instead Lyall said, "No, you're not," which only confused Remus. "You will stay here while I take your mother on a holiday somewhere."

"Won't that be expensive?" he couldn't help but ask. "S-sorry!" he squeaked when Lyall looked ready to slap him again. "I—sorry."

"I told Hope I was coming here to convince you to return for Christmas, but I don't think it's a good idea." Lyall began pacing, hands clasped behind his back. "You've been a very nasty, rude child lately. You're constantly putting your mother through agony."

"I n-never meant to—"

Lyall glowered at him and he shut his mouth quickly, ignoring the wolf panting for revenge. Hopefully it wouldn't get to the point where he needed to do that snap thing in his conscious and cause a nosebleed… though really, Lyall probably wouldn't care.

"I think that if you come home you'll only make things worse. I don't want Hope to have to deal with your attitude. She is brokenhearted enough as it is. Because of you," he added because obviously he hadn't made that clear enough. "She will want things to be the way they used to, and I doubt you'll act… normal."

"Didn't you just say I wasn't normal?" he retorted, then cried out when he was slapped again.

"This is what I mean!"

Remus grit his teeth, trying not to sass back, trying not to… well, make things worse. His vision was pulsing a little and he knew he was on the verge of that blissful snap when the wolf stopped clawing at his soul. No. No. No. He breathed deeply, body trembling as he pushed the wolf back, pushed the thoughts of violence back until…

Snap.

He reached up, covering his now-bleeding nose with his sleeve. He felt dizzy, but calmer. "What are you going to tell her?"

Lyall looked a little surprised at the question and didn't even seem to notice his son had blood pouring from his nose. "I'm going to tell her we had a heart-to-heart. That we talked about… everything and that you are repentant for everything you've put her through, however you think it's best if you stay here for Christmas. I'll tell her I agreed, and that you're old enough to make that decision."

"Shall I write to her and tell her the same?" he asked, eyes following his father as he started pacing again.

"Yes. Also." Lyall looked at him. "There won't be any presents this year. I'm using all the money to take Hope somewhere. Somewhere warm. That will do her good. I think she needs some sun. I'll tell her that's something else we talked about, and you wanted me to use any money we'd use on your presents to take her on holiday."

Remus's heart sank a little. It was kind've selfish but… he liked getting presents, even if they were small things. "That's fine," he agreed, trying to sound more agreeable than he felt. Not even a bar of chocolate? Then he realized his father had never sent any magazines or anything motorcycle-related to him like he had asked for ages ago. At least he had a little money from gambling to get his friends something…

"Are you listening to me?" Lyall asked, snapping his fingers. Remus glanced up. "I asked you if you were going to cause any problems with this?"

"I said it was fine," he grumbled, wiping the blood off on his other sleeve; it was letting up, thankfully. "I'll lie to Mum and tell her all of that, too."

Lyall nodded. "Very well. I believe that's all."

You could have sent that in a letter, he thought as he got up to take his father back to Dumbledore's office, bringing the collar of his shirt up to finish cleaning off his nose. Then one of his rebellious thoughts popped into his head: But if he didn't come, he couldn't have slapped me. He tried to dismiss that thought; surely Lyall hadn't come all this way just to physically hurt Remus, did he? "By the way, I gave Arthur a little funeral," he said when he reached the door. Lyall frowned. "In case you cared about that."

"Of course I care," Lyall replied. "I did love that owl, you know. He was mine, before he was yours."

Remus shrugged and opened the door. "I'll be right back, Miss Fawley," he said.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"Why wouldn't he be?" Lyall asked right back. Miss Fawley pressed her lips thin.

"Yes," Remus assured her, glad she couldn't see the blood everywhere. "I'll be right back."

The walk to Dumbledore's office was very quiet and awkward. Remus kept his head down and his hands in his pockets, wishing desperately his father had simply sent a letter; how could he have said those things to Fawley? The worst part was he hadn't defended her, like he should have.

"Miss F-Fawley isn't filling my head with anything, by the way," he managed to mumble.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you."

He swallowed heavily and raised his head. "Miss Fawley. She—she's a very good person. She isn't filling my head with… rebellious thoughts. Actually, she often reminds me how lucky I am to have parents like you." All right so she hadn't said anything like that in a very long time but… it had been said. Before. Ages ago.

Lyall snorted. "I see."

Those were the only things said the entire trip. When they reached the gargoyle, Remus realized he wasn't sure what the newest password was so they had to wait for the painting to fetch the Headmaster. Father and son said a rather stiff goodbye at the foot of the steps, and then Remus returned—quickly—to Miss Fawley.

"I'm s-sorry!" he burst out as soon as the door shut.

Fawley stood up and went towards him, arms out. He ran into them immediately, hugging her back. "For what?" she asked gently. "You did nothing wrong and there is no reason for you to apologize for him."

After the hug ended, Remus sank down on the couch. "I should have said something."

"It's fine."

"He said he'd replace you—"

She reached over, taking his hand. "He won't."

"But—"

"Shh," she whispered, squeezing his hand now. "It's all right. He won't replace me, I know he won't. That was simply him trying to make sure I knew my place. He won't risk anyone else knowing your secret."

Remus nodded, realizing she had a point. "Do you want to know what he had to say?"

"Only if you feel comfortable telling me."

So he did, repeating everything Lyall had said. Miss Fawley's lips pressed tightly together when he got to the part about not getting any Christmas presents but he assured her it didn't bother him. He'd rather stay at Hogwarts. That would be enough of a present anyway. Away from him, whispered that dark voice that sent a shiver down his spine.

"Besides, I think a holiday will do Mum good, she was ever so happy after our short, day holiday to the beach before my second year. I think getting out and doing things is good for her, and—and that makes me happy."

"As long as you are happy," she said.

"I am," he replied even though he knew he didn't sound it. After furrowing his brow and thinking, he added, "I mean, I'm surprised he is doing this… it's going to be quite a bit of money and—and he'll be taking time off of work which will cost more. He's always harping on about finances so… I suppose it just… confuses me, is all."

He still wanted to work on his Occlumency so after a few more minutes they finally began although it didn't last long. It didn't take Fawley long to see everything that happened with Magpie, and Remus went red as he mumbled out an explanation of what happened, including the fact Sirius had taken care of it.

"I know I'm a coward for not doing it myself," he moaned, rubbing his forehead, "but I couldn't—I couldn't."

"I know you have a hard time talking to people and… doing things like that," she responded. Then, "How did she seem today?"

Remus glanced up, frowning as he realized he hadn't paid any attention. "I d-d-don't know. I was nearly late for class and—and I guess I forgot about… last night." He tried to remember if he noticed her in any of their classes, but couldn't. But Lily would have said something at supper if Magpie had been missing all day, right? Except he hadn't seen Lily at supper either.

After their session was over (a very short one, unfortunately), he went to his friends and after James left and after Remus repeatedly assured Sirius that the blood was from a nosebleed and nothing bad, he asked Sirius and Peter about Magpie, if they had noticed her. Sirius shrugged but Peter said Magpie hadn't been in Transfiguration.

"I'm not sure about Charms, though," he admitted.

Remus sat against the wall, hugging his legs, hoping Magpie was okay and knowing he couldn't do anything about it even if she wasn't because then that would give her hope again. Ugh, he thought miserably, closing his eyes. Girls are so weird. After a few seconds he opened his eyes again. Do I think that because of… being like that or… do normal boys think it too? James had said not too long ago that girls were drama. Was that too different from weird? He glanced at his friends, wanting to ask them if they thought girls were weird but changed his mind. He didn't want to risk accidentally saying something wrong. Better to keep his mouth shut.

Might ask Aegis though, he decided, closing his eyes again.

X

Lily was mad.

Remus should have seen it coming, but didn't.

When the Marauders returned to the common room after Occlumency, Lily was waiting for him. She asked how his appointment with Pomfrey went, asked if he was okay, and when he said he was she gave him a hearty shove that would have knocked him over if Peter wasn't right behind him.

"You absolute arse!"

"Me?" Pete squeaked, catching Remus.

"Not you. Him!" She grabbed Remus's arm and dragged him off, face twisted up. Remus felt rather frightened. Suddenly she paused. "You've blood on your sleeves and shirt."

"Nosebleed," he squeaked out. "I'm fine."

She eyed him. "You're fine?" she asked and he nodded. Then all concern left her and she was back in fury mode. "What happened?" She had him cornered, literally, and had her arms folded as she loomed over him.

"Wh-when? The nosebleed?"

"Don't give me that! With Athena!"

"Oh, that."

Wrong thing to say. Her face went red with anger. "Yes," she hissed out. "That!"

"I d-d-didn't do anything!" he protested, shrinking back, suddenly terrified she was going to hit him too, like Lyall had.

"No. No, you didn't, instead you had Sirius do it for you!" She stomped her foot and he tried to push himself into the wall to disappear. It didn't work. "How could you?"

"I didn't have Sirius do anything, he—he did that on his own."

She shook her head. "I don't care. That was awful, you should have talked to her yourself."

"I was going to," he said rather pathetically.

"No, you weren't," she said, glaring at him. "Were you?"

He hung his head, shame sweeping through his body and across his face. "No…"

"Remus."

"I didn't know what to do!" he mumbled, picking at the dried blood on his sleeve. "I didn't know what to say, I was still trying to figure it out. I'm not good at that sort of thing. I was panicked and scared. I don't like someone… er… liking me. Like that."

"You're going to have to learn to deal with it, because there might be others," she warned.

"I hope not."

She moaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "It's not something you can control, all you can do is… know how to deal with it if and when it happens, and doing what you did with her—with Athena—is not the right way. Not the nicest way."

He folded his own arms, hunching his shoulders. "I'm sorry."

"Pointless to tell me," she grumbled. "I guess at least that's done with, either way. She's heartbroken."

Remus felt very indignant and his temper began growing. "What about me?" he demanded, the words bursting out without warning. Lily stared. "I never asked or wanted to—to have someone fancy me, and no I c-can't control it but it doesn't mean I'm a bad person for—for not—for not—" He began fumbling for the words and she spoke up before he could finish.

"It isn't your fault, however it is your fault how it was handled…!"

"It wasn't," he spat out, angry now. "Besides, I'm only thirteen, Lily. I'm not exactly the height of… knowledge for… for… crushes and—" The words, what little he had, were quickly slipping away. "For, erm, fancying people and—I don't know where I was going with that, really, but you know what I mean. If you hadn't ever told me in the first place I probably wouldn't have figured it out, and it'd still be a mess. Frankly, I'm annoyed I was even put in this position in the first place. I'm sorry I'm not all knowing about rrrr-re—re-re-rrrrelationship stuff like you are, apparently!"

Lily stared at him and he stared back. She opened her mouth a couple of times before giving a noncommittal sort of sound through her nose and turning, going to the girls' staircase and disappearing up. Remus watched her go before skulking back to his friends, bitter and frustrated. After everything that happened with his father earlier, this was the cherry on top!

"Yes," he said when James started to say something. "We argued. Happy?"

"Erm, no," James muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

"Argued about what?" Peter asked.

"Why did she push you?" Sirius demanded.

Remus glanced around before looking down at his shoes. "The whole Magpie situation."

"Why is Lily mad at you over that?" Sirius questioned. "Why did she shove you over that?"

"Thinks I 'handled' it badly." He felt like everyone in the common room was watching him now after the fight with Lily even though nobody was. He was beginning to grow itchy and sick. "I'm going to go do some homework." He hurried up to his dorm and flung himself in bed, putting his pillow over his head. He heard his friends follow him into the room but they didn't bother him. Eventually he crawled out of his bed and joined them for cards, torn between feeling guilty and feeling very angry.