Author's Note: CW for inadvertent self harm (scratching), references to the gore from previous chapter

X

Pain. Burning, fiery pain he couldn't feel but knew was there. Blood and flesh in his mouth. Teeth grinding against bone. He looked up at Pomfrey's dying body and ripped her leg off.

Remus woke up with a scream, quickly stifling it. He had been having nightmares every single night, whether it was biting his own leg off or someone else's.

He slid his hand down to his chest, pressing against where his heart was pounding. He felt disgusting. More like a monster than ever before. He had managed to keep up appearances whenever someone else was in the room, but he wanted to cry. Despite what he told James the other day, it wasn't a similar accident to him losing his fingers. Remus had chewed through his own leg. Like a mouse caught in a trap.

His fingers twitched and he began scratching at his wrists, wanting to scratch his flesh away until he could rip the wolf from his body. He stopped only because the door opened and Pomfrey stuck her head in. He apologized for screaming, saying it had been another nightmare. She gave him some dreamless sleep potion which he gladly took, even though it didn't completely help him.

He lay back against his pillow, staring up at the dark ceiling. It was cloudy out, the waning moon hidden. He wished he could stay in the darkness forever. A little room, all alone. It's where he belonged. Not being cared for by someone as kind as Pomfrey. Not given love from friends he didn't deserve. Not being given an education that wouldn't help with anything.

He grit his teeth, his muscles tensing and bunching. Nights were horrible, the thoughts and worries assaulting him as he tried to sleep. He twisted a bit until he pushed his blanket off, steadying himself against the bed as he stood up. Pain shot up through his foot and leg, making him sink back down. He pressed the wrongly shaped foot against the floor, trying to strengthen his muscles.

Tomorrow he'd be going back to the real world. Putting the mask back on every minute of the day. Pretending to be a normal human even when he wasn't. For a split-second he hated the Marauders, hated that they were always with him—then he flopped back into bed, suppressing a cry into his pillow.

I didn't mean that, I'd never mean that, I'm sorry! he thought to no one but himself, as if his friends could have heard him. He felt like a traitor. Of course he hadn't meant it. The Marauders were wonderful and amazing, he was so lucky to have them. But even with all they knew, he still felt like an actor. Hiding the broken bits as much as he could. He had been more open with them about things so far this school year, but he had to be careful not to go too far.

Sighing, he pulled the blanket back up as the potion finally pulled him back into sleep.

X

Peter was at the hospital wing bright and early on Sunday, happily telling Madame Pomfrey how much he wanted to help Remus back to the dorms if he was able to leave. He told Pomfrey how awful it had been without Remus, how worried he was, how much he missed him…

Remus tried not to roll his eyes as he tied his shoelaces. His leg was back to normal, albeit a little weak, and his foot was mostly back to normal. It was skinny and his toes were very tiny, but he was able to walk.

"Do you want me to hex you so you can stay in the wing?" Remus asked after he and Peter left.

Peter blushed. "I wasn't… Oh, don't tease me. I thought it wouldn't be awful if you knew, but you're teasing me."

"I'm sorry, I shan't anymore," Remus promised, then hesitated. "Er, well, I'll try not to."

Despite his thoughts the night before, it felt so good being free after being cooped up for nearly a full week. The daylight hours changed everything. He still felt stressed, but not as. He even bounced a little as he walked, or rather did a strange sort of half-bounce-half-limp. When they reached the Grand Staircase, he paused, looking up at all those steps.

"You know, I think I might go to the library for a little while first," he said, turning to Pete. "I do need to study, the exams start tomorrow."

"You've been studying!" Peter complained. "James and Sirius will throw a fit if I don't bring you back."

"It's not even ten in the morning," Remus pointed out. "They aren't even awake."

Peter looked like he suddenly had a lemon in his mouth. "I came all this way to take you back—"

"I thought you came all this way to chat with Pomfrey."

"You promised you wouldn't tease!" Pete wailed, and Remus cringed back.

"I promised I'd try, and I am sorry for that; it wasn't meant to tease. All right… we'll go to the dorms, I can study there." He braced himself, grabbing the banister and stepping forward with his left foot. He brought his right foot up without trouble, but was careful to keep all his weight on his other foot and the banister. He took the steps slowly, one by one. Peter gave him a look before realizing he was struggling. He offered to help, but Remus shook his head. There wasn't anything Peter could do to make it go faster. After he finished one staircase, he decided to try to put his right foot up and pull himself up that way.

Big mistake.

His foot rolled in a weird way and he nearly toppled over. He grabbed the banister, yelping a little as he clung to it to stop himself from falling.

"Are you all right?" Peter asked, forehead wrinkled with concern.

"Yes." He stood up, taking in a few deep breaths. "My leg is twinging a little."

Peter's hand went under his elbow. "Are you sure you don't need help?"

"No, I'll be all right, I just need to keep taking it slow."

It turned out to be a slower process than Remus expected, and he was glad for the stairs that moved on their own, shortening the trip. Still, it was a lot of climbing and a lot of walking, and he was very glad when he limped up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. He was sweaty, out of breath, and wanted to climb into bed for the next decade.

"It isn't Christmas yet-i," Peter said.

"Wh—" Remus began to say but stopped as the portrait swung open. "That's the password?"

"Fernsby's girlfriend dumped him because she said he wasn't funny," Pete explained, referring to the fifth year male Prefect.

She's right, Remus thought, awkwardly climbing through the hole. Hardly anyone was in the common room at that hour, and when Peter and Remus reached their dorm, James and Sirius were still asleep. Remus saw that David and Spinnet weren't there so he whispered something in Peter's ear and retreated to a corner. He was tired, however pulling a prank was a bigger priority.

Peter tiptoed out of the dorm then came back in, flinging the door open. "JAMES! SIRIUS! REMUS ISN'T IN THE HOSPITAL WING ANYMORE! WAKE UP!"

"Whaaa?!"

"HUWAA?"

James fell out of bed while Sirius tried to fling himself up but got tangled in the blankets. Remus clapped his hand over his mouth, laughing silently as Sirius struggled to get free.

"Remus isn't in the hospital wing!" Peter said, sounding panicked.

Sirius was on the floor at this point, rolling around, struggling and cussing. James was on his feet, hopping on one foot as he tried getting a shoe on. "What do you mean?! What happened? Auugh!" he yelped as he lost his balance and fell over on top of Sirius.

"Where the bloody hell did he GO?!" Sirius roared, finally getting free of the blankets and shoving James off of him.

"To his dorm," Peter said evenly.

"His dorm?! Why's he there?! Why are you just standing there, we need to go get—" Sirius stopped, his face falling from panic to completely unamused as he whipped his head around, looking for Remus who began laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Peter doubled over, slapping his thigh as he wheezed out laughter. "I hate you both."

James, at least, was laughing. "You scared us!" He kicked his shoe off and stood up. "Good one, though. Bloody brilliant. How are you feeling?"

"He'll be feeling dead in a moment," Sirius threatened.

Remus's laughter faded to giggles. "Much better, other than worried about getting enough studying in today."

"Studying?" James tilted his head. "What about Shake It Up?"

Remus shrugged as he limped over to his bed, glad to finally sit down again. "I just need to work on the illusion, it won't be too difficult. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Doing a frozen bubble probably would have knocked the snow boxes off the rafters anyhow." He pulled his feet up and took his shoes off, tucking his blanket over his feet so he could massage his right foot without them seeing how weird it looked. "Sirius, stop glaring. And if you are going to kill me, at least wait until Friday, after the exams."

"Actually, wait until after Shake It Up," James suggested, bouncing over to his bed. "We need him for that."

"Friday night you're dead," Sirius growled, flopping back onto his bed. "Do I need to wait to kill Peter?"

"You can kill me now, before the exams," Peter said, sitting on Sirius's bed. "That'd do me a big favor. Put me out of my misery."

Remus squeezed his teensy half-toes, wincing a little at the strange feeling shooting through his too-small foot. He let go and wriggled it a little bit before pulling his sock and shoe back on. He definitely didn't feel like taking the stairs again so when the others went to brunch, Remus stayed in the dorm to study. He poured over the notes Lily and Aegis had given him, and even glanced at the notes Sirius brought, even though they were pretty useless.

In the afternoon, he worked on the illusion spell while the others went over the rest of Shake It Up. Everything would be really straightforward, which made Remus nervous. Project TJ was straightforward and he had ended up in detention for ages! This time he would use a spell to erase the sound spell from his wand, and hope that McGonagall wouldn't just blame him immediately.

When it was suppertime, Remus's foot was back to normal and he didn't have any issue going down to the Great Hall other than being a little weak from being cooped up in bed for an entire week, and some aching in his leg. The girls were ecstatic to see him, and Lily gave him a big hug and even put a kiss on his cheek which made everyone go 'oooooh'. Remus awkwardly sat down, glaring at Lily out of the side of his eye but he couldn't be too mad.

The topic of conversation was not the exams, like Remus had hoped, but was the Christmas holidays and what everyone was planning on doing. Remus ate his food, listening as they talked about visiting families or having parties or going somewhere else entirely, in James's case.

"You're going to New York city for Christmas?" Lily asked, jaw dropping.

"Mum's always wanted to," James said, mashing all his vegs up and stirring them together.

"That's… so… Muggle," she said. "I wouldn't expect it from you."

James glared. "I've been to London, you do realize. And Paris, and many other big 'Muggle' places." He stuck his nose in the air and gave a little sniffle. "Although we'll be spending most of our time in Ventus."

"Ventus?"

"Ventus Village," he explained. "It's like the Diagon Alley of New York."

Lily's forehead wrinkled. "You're not even going to the Muggle part?"

"Iunno." He spooned up the conglomeration of veggies and began slurping at it, obviously enjoying how disgusted Lily looked. "No idea what my parents have planned."

The conversation changed to Lily's plans, and then Cassie. At that point everyone had talked except Remus and he glanced up, suddenly aware they were all looking at him. "Hmm?"

"Just spending your holidays at home like usual?" Sirius asked.

Remus sat up a little, looking down at his nearly empty plate and began pushing the food around. He hadn't told them yet. Oops. "Erm. N-no. No. I—I'll be staying here for the holidays." All six of them fell silent then the Marauders began talking all at once, their voices piling up on one another until Remus dropped his fork and put his hands over his ears. "Pl-please, not all at once!"

Sirius grabbed his arm. "When was this decided? You never told us."

"Erm, a—a bit ago," he mumbled. "Mum and Dad are going to go on a little holiday together. I'll be staying here."

"By yourself?" Peter asked.

He swallowed and shrugged. "So it would seem."

"You can't stay here by yourself," Sirius said.

James leaned across Sirius's lap. "I'm sure my parents would let you come to New York with us."

He cringed back at that thought, while a little part of him soared at the idea of spending the two weeks with James and his parents. "No. I—thank you, but I don't think that would be a good idea. I don't think my parents would like me going somewhere like that with someone they don't know too well." He gave James a look, silently trying to convey the fact his parents didn't even know they were friends. It must have reached James because he closed his mouth, giving a sad little shrug.

"I'll see if I can stay," Sirius said.

"You don't need to," Remus whispered, wishing they would stop.

"All I'd be missing out on is stuffy dinner parties and my crazy cousin swanning around about her fiance who is just as crazy as she is; crazier, if you ask me, for wanting to be with her."

"Wait, she's engaged?" James asked.

"Not yet, but everyone knows he's going to propose soon," Sirius sighed. "A Lestrange."

"Oof." James and Alice both made faces, while everyone else was obviously confused until Remus remembered a Slytherin with that surname who seemed rather awful.

"Nothing important to miss." Sirius turned back to Remus. "I'll see if I can stay."

"All right, if—if you want to," Remus answered, knowing perfectly well that Sirius would want to. He'd be happy to stay at Hogwarts by himself for the holidays if it meant avoiding his family, however Remus wasn't sure how adamant the Blacks would be about having him there.

He thought about having two weeks alone with Sirius and part of his stomach fluttered a little but it wasn't as bad as he expected. Maybe the feelings were starting to fade?

"I don't think any of the girls are staying," Cassie said. "I don't know anyone who is staying. Erm, besides you."

The train was usually very packed. Remus figured a good eighty percent of the students went home for the Christmas holidays, if not more. "I'll be fine," he said. "Plenty of time to read."

"You'll spend the entire time doing homework, won't you," James said.

"It's… what I do anyway, at home."

"Speaking of revising," Lily said and everyone else groaned, "d'you want to go to the library and do some together?"

"Yes, of course. Thank you."

Sirius leaned over the table. "Cassie, would you like to go study together? We could study each other's lips." He puckered up and began kissing the air.

Cassie put a hand on his face and shoved him away. "You're mental." But she did have a little smile and a giggle to her voice.

After supper, Lily and Remus spent the entire time before curfew in the library, and the next couple of hours studying in the common room. He wasn't sure how ready he was for the exams… he survived the past two years and these were only the autumn ones, not as important as summer, however with the electives… he had thirteen exams to sit through and this would give him a taste of what the summer exams would be like.

X

He had nightmares all night Sunday, whimpering and gasping and waking up to make sure his leg was still there. Sirius came over a total of three times and Remus kept promising he was fine, citing his recent 'bout of illness' as the reason why he wasn't doing well, not wanting to talk about his horrific nightmares of what he did to himself.

After the third time, Remus barely got any more sleep and was utterly depleted when it was time to get up. It took a lot of effort to get ready for the day, and at the table he was torn between trying to eat to get the energy or just dropping his head down and sleeping more; the latter won.

Even though Potions was his first lesson the next morning, they wouldn't be having the exam until Wednesday. Instead, their first exam was History of Magic which Remus was glad for. Even if Binns was a boring teacher, he did love the subject. Okay, he loved most of the subjects, but still.

For the next hour, the room was full of the sounds of quills scratching, students mumbling softly to themselves, and several yawns. Remus was bent in close to his parchment as he wrote out answers to all the questions, double checked them, then wrote out the two short essays. When he was done, he straightened up and saw he still had half an hour left. Frowning, he triple-checked his answers and then redid a few parts of the essay. He extended the second one all the way to the bottom of the page, trying to keep his scrawl small. Still ten minutes. Quadruple check, and another quick glance through the essays. Finally Binns told them to put their quills down, and Remus reluctantly did so.

"That was boring," James yawned as they left the room. "Remy, why were you still writing clear to the end?"

"I finished mine in twenty minutes," Sirius bragged.

"I got it all wrong," moaned Peter, casting anxious looks back at the door. "I couldn't remember anything about Soleil Biss-Boss's contributions to potions."

Remus tried not to wince at the pronunciation. "Brisbois," he said.

Peter ignored him. "I've no idea who was Minister when King George the… King… when… when the American war happened. Also when was the Unicorn Hunting Ban put in place?"

"1920," James lied.

Peter went ghostly white. "Oh no! I put the early fifteenth century!"

"Ignore him," Remus said, glowering as James and Sirius both giggled. "They're lying." Of course the ban was put in place in the fourteenth century, but he wasn't going to make Peter sick with that knowledge.

Defense turned out to be different. Their exam wasn't until Friday, and Remus figured the other lessons this week would be regular lessons, however Professor Charlemagne instead spent the time helping them revise for the exam. He went over several things he told them directly would be on the exam and was very patient with all the questions. At the end of the lesson he asked everyone to write down what they were most concerned about for the exam and they'd go over those on Wednesday.

"In addition, I wish you to know that there will be books on the subjects available during the exam. Yes?"

Twycross lowered her hand. "You mean we can look in the books for the answers? Isn't that… cheating?"

Charlemagne gave her an indulgent smile. "I find it is important not only to remember things but also to know how to look up an answer when you need to. I am telling you now to help ease some worry I know some of you may have about the exam."

"You won't be allowing this for our final exams, though, will you?" Twycross asked, sounding gobsmacked.

Charlemagne simply shrugged and dismissed class.

Peter was elated as they went out into the corridor. "I don't have to memorize everything!" His eyes were full of stars. "I think Charlemagne is the best Professor ever."

"I don't think it's fair," Twycross said loudly, and everyone looked at her. "What is the point of teaching us if he's going to let us look at the answers?"

"It sounds like we won't have a list of answers," replied Falkfeather. "It sounds like we'll have to find the answers."

"It still doesn't seem fair, and I hope he takes natural ability into account when grading us." She was looking at Peter when she said that, and Peter went bright red.

"Oi!" Sirius shoved his way between them. "Don't insult Pete!"

"I wasn't." She stuck her nose in the air. "You're the one who jumped to that conclusion."

"You looked right at him," Nettle pointed out.

"Excuse me for having eyes!" Twycross snapped. "Next time I'll keep them closed, if it's going to cause all this trouble!"

"Should keep your mouth closed instead, that causes more trouble than your eyes," Sirius growled.

The crowd dispersed at that, since there were some older students coming down the corridor including the Ravenclaw sixth year Prefects, and everyone headed to the Great Hall. The others asked Remus his opinion about the book thing, and he said he didn't have a problem with it. He agreed with Falkfeather. It wasn't going to just be a list of answers. He thought it was fine, and he figured Charlemagne had a way to make sure everything was balanced and fair when it came to the grades.

"If he was going to just give us all Os, he'd give us the answers or something," he said.

"The problem is…" Peter's ears went a little pink. "I'm not sure I'm any good at looking up stuff'n a book."

"I'll show you some tips to research," Remus promised and Pete's face flooded with relief.

The only other exam that day was Astronomy at midnight, and it was bitterly cold. All the students crowded together while one at a time they went to the telescope and wrote things down. Remus shivered from his spot in the middle of the Marauders, arms wrapped around himself; he nearly froze when it was his turn and wished Spring would put a heating spell on the tower.

They also had a short quiz, but Spring told them they'd take care of that on Thursday, and everyone was relieved when they could hurry back into the warm castle.

X

Remus was very nervous Tuesday morning when he walked into Arithmancy. This was to be the first elective exam, and he kept slipping his fingers under his sleeves to scratch at his wrist. He had no idea what to expect since Talkalot hadn't really talked much about it. Hadn't told them anything specific, or what to study. He had been cramming hard over the weekend for this one, and when Talkalot handed out the papers, Remus's hands grew sweaty.

There was a list of Ministers and Remus needed to get their destiny numbers as well as write down how it matched what they did while in office. For a second he was surprised, wondering how much knowledge he retained about the Ministers and what he was going to do… then he realized there was another piece of paper that listed some of their accomplishments. He didn't need to remember anything about them, simply find their numbers and draw his own conclusion.

When he was finished with that he flipped the paper over but it was blank. Was the Minister thing it? He scrutinized the parchment carefully as if trying to detect some hidden questions. I suppose that's it… He chewed his lip, feeling like he was missing something. Panic began setting in and he grew dizzy. This couldn't be it, it was… so short, so easy, so simple. Too simple.

He began breathing hard, wondering what he missed. Did Talkalot forget to give him something? Did he drop something? He casually leaned over, trying to see if there was anything on the floor.

"Eyes on your own papers," Talkalot snapped.

A few students giggled as Remus straightened himself up, blushing a little. All right, calm down, focus on the questions. He bent forward and reread all pieces of information. It was just simple maths and then making an assessment with facts they had on the other bit of paper. Maybe he needed to go more in depth with why he used the events to match the Minister with their destiny number? Except he was almost out of room already. He didn't have much more space.

He reached into his sleeves and began scratching again.

Calm. A deep breath and he began writing more things down, making his writing as small as he possibly could as he crammed more and more onto the paper. Maybe his initial handwriting was too big. Was that the problem?

When he was completely out of space he felt stupid. Of course! He flipped the parchment over and continued on the back. Once done, he reread everything, fixing a couple of errors right before they were told to put their quills down.

"You're so sweaty," Lily said when they left.

Remus reached up, wiping his forehead off. "Thanks."

"Sorry." She made a face. "You look a little anxious. What's wrong?"

"The questions about the Ministers were… were all that was on the exam, right?" he asked, gaze flicking back and forth between her and Aegis.

"Yes," Aegis said slowly. "Why?"

He was about to say how easy it was when something inside told him to keep quiet. "Just—just making sure I didn't miss anything."

And then Lily and Aegis began complaining about trying to remember everything about the destiny numbers, and Lily was certain she messed something up while Aegis said he had no memory whatsoever about the destiny number eleven since it was uncommon. They both had difficulty figuring out the best things to use to explain the Minister's tenure as such with their number. Remus kept his mouth shut, shuffling along, glad he hadn't complained about it being easy.

Muggle Studies was very short. Lewis showed them some clips of Muggles performing Hamlet's soliloquy, told them that in January they'd be starting to cover historical figures who were famous for both wizards and Muggles (such as Shakespeare), and then dismissed class. She waved her hand, telling them to go revise for the exams or have fun, whichever they needed to do most.

The Marauders took the latter to heart, dragging Remus outside where they spent the next hour and a half having fun in the snow with snowball fights and sledding on stolen shields. Then, soaked to the bone, they went to the Gryffindor tower for hot showers and dry clothes before hurrying down to the Great Hall for lunch.

X

Miss Fawley was more than glad to get presents for Remus to give his friends. She had him write down ideas for the boys and tucked the list in her robes pocket. However, when she inquired about his knitting, he hesitated in replying. She noticed this and pushed him and eventually he lied, saying he was too tired to do any sort of knitting this year. He didn't want to tell her the truth, since she hadn't seen that particular memory of his. He didn't want to deal with her most likely giving him a speech about how knitting was a hobby regardless of sex.

He then switched subjects, telling her about his leg. She had known he was injured badly during the full moon, since Occlumency had been canceled the previous week, but she didn't know exactly what happened. When he was done, she held him close, comforting him. She wanted to talk about it, but he didn't. He wanted to try to forget about it since he was having nightmares every night. The less he discussed it the better, and while he didn't tell her why he didn't want to talk about it she nodded and said she'd drop the subject.

He also didn't want to think about his leg in the little house; he knew it was there, it had to be there. Unless Pomfrey took it… but he thought she'd have said something if she did. He was planning on going back but not until the holidays. He wanted to focus on the exams right now.

The rest of the night went fairly smoothly, except for the pounding headache he had at the end. He had planned on studying in the secret passage but when he got there he just curled up and fell asleep, too tired and too much in pain to think about opening a book. He was also alone, since Sirius had gone off to be with Cassie, which was perfectly fine with him.

X

The next couple of days passed by in a bit of a blur. Care of Magical Creatures and Study of Ancient Runes had easy enough exams. Muggle Studies was a lot of fun, as Professor Lewis set it up like a Muggle game show called Call My Bluff. She would say the name of a Muggle object, and then give them three explanations. Two were lies, one was the truth. They needed to write down the truth and why it was the truth. It was weird but kinda fun, really. She also said if the answer they gave was a lie but their explanation of why they thought it was the truth was convincing enough she'd give them partial credit.

Divination was a little different. They each sat in private with Hawkwood and gave a tarot card reading. Remus was so nervous that he dropped his cards when he was shuffling and they slipped everywhere. He was bright red as he quickly gathered them back up, stammering an apology. Hawkwood told him he was being graded based on his ability to interpret the cards, not shuffle them, and not to worry.

Finally on Friday they had their last exam, last class, and the mood in the entire castle was very buoyant. Christmas decorations were everywhere and Remus knew the Great Hall had been decked out… in more ways than one.

"Everything is ready," James whispered when Remus found his friends. "You just need to do the sound spell is all."

Remus ducked into the secret passage where the record player was and did half of the spell, then went to the doors of the Great Hall. A lot of students had been peeking in so it wasn't strange for him to do the same. A couple of teachers were near the High Table but their backs were turned, and Remus was able to shoot the sound spell off without a hitch. He scurried away, face pink with excitement.

Timing was everything. Twenty minutes later everyone was in the Great Hall, and a couple of minutes after that is when Remus nervously did the illusion spell. His palms were slick with sweat as he flicked his wand, and he held his breath as the image of a glass dome filled the Great Hall. Almost right away, the music started playing out of nowhere and the snow-shakers began shaking up in the rafters, false snow drifting down over the entire room. Snowglobes began falling too. The others had put the spongify spell on them so they didn't hurt anyone as they fell, and instead bounced around all over the place. There were a lot more than Remus expected, and later when he asked James said he had bought more during the Hogsmeade visit.

While the music played, James's voice also boomed out of the record saying Happy Christmas, which was the trigger word for the decorations. Lions wearing Father Christmas hats appeared, giant red and gold snowflakes began floating around above everyone's heads, an inflatable snowman wearing Gryffindor colors began dancing around near the entrance, and there were some smaller things too. There was even the illusion of Godric Gryffindor 'ice skating' around near the High Table.

Remus tried not to grin; he was very impressed with what his friends had managed to do without him. He imagined it was a little like watching your child take their first steps.

"Lumos, nox," he whispered, as McGonagall was getting up. Then to his surprise, Dumbledore put a hand on her arm, shaking his head. She glared at the Marauders then sat back down.

"Are we not going to get in trouble?" Sirius asked, loud enough for several people to look their way.

"Probably after the feast," James said, turning to look at a scowling Ravenclaw. "Why're you glowering at me like that?"

"One of the snowglobes hit me in the head!"

James reached down to pick the snowglobe up and smacked it against his own head. It made a rubbery sort of squeak and obviously didn't hurt him. "Oh, the horrors," he said and dropped it, sending it bouncing down the aisle. "You know," he said as he turned back to his friends, "it isn't as fun when we aren't yelled out."

"Students are annoyed enough, if that helps," Remus pointed out. Sure enough, a lot of them were complaining loudly about James and Sirius always causing disruptions. There were also several Slytherins grumbling about 'arrogant Gryffindors'.

After supper was over, McGonagall made it to the doors without Remus noticing and was waiting for the Marauders. She did check Peter and Remus's wands, and saw they hadn't done anything, and then dragged James and Sirius off for questioning. They returned fifteen minutes later with ten points each removed from Gryffindor, and a night of detention already set for when they came back from the holidays. It seemed like such a small punishment, and James explained the teachers were mostly annoyed about the snowglobes.

"Sorry it was a let down," Remus said, feeling guilty since it had been his idea.

"Let down?" James grinned. "Nah, it was brilliant! I mean, we had fun pulling it off and that's just as important as getting in trouble, right?" Er. "Look, I joke about how getting in trouble is important, but honestly it was brilliant. It was a lot of work and looked pretty darn neat! We really looked like we were in a snowglobe."

Despite what James said, Remus still felt weird. Like it wasn't good enough. He wanted to scratch again, wishing they could go back so he could redo things. Make it… fancier. Wilder. Though he wasn't sure what else they could do other than making the room shake. He should have done that. Should have—

"It was fine," Sirius said, giving Remus a little punch. "Stop worrying!"

"I'm… not," he mumbled.

James clapped his hand. "Now come on, we need to go pack."

"Not waiting until last minute?" Remus asked, since they usually packed the morning of.

"We've got something we need to do tomorrow," Sirius said cryptically. He hadn't been able to get out of going home for the holidays, and had been quite upset about it. Remus wondered if he was going to try to stay behind somehow. 'Accidentally' miss the train. Of course, if the Blacks were that determined, they'd just show up to take him home anyway.

James, Sirius, and Peter actually did pack that night. Remus sat on his bed, watching with raised eyebrows as they ran around to gather whatever they needed for the next two weeks, jamming them down in their trunks. Christmas music played from the radio until Sirius turned it off to put on Smoke On The Water.

"By the way…" James linked his arm with Remus's once they were all done packing and heading down to the common room. "You need to get up early tomorrow."

"Me? Why?"

"It's part of the surprise," Peter said from behind them.

Remus narrowed his eyes, feeling very suspicious. "Is it—"

"It's nothing to do with your furry little problem, I promise," James said, patting Remus's hand.

"You're going to love it, I promise," Sirius said, prodding Remus's shoulder. "You just need to be awake and out of the dorm early."

"I really don't like the sound of that," he complained. Now his thoughts of Sirius finding a way to stay behind switched to… well, he really wasn't sure at all what they had planned. A big prank on the dorm? On his bed? His head spun as he tried to figure out what it might possibly be, and he soon gave up. As long as it wasn't some sort of weird attempt to help his lycanthropy, it'd be okay.

The Marauders stayed up late that night in the common room, playing cards and other games, gossiping, talking about the exams (well, Remus did. Once. Then James changed the subject), and talking about how much they were going to miss one another.

"We're having our present exchange on the—" Peter stopped, scrunching his nose up. "Erm, I guess when we get back. Right?"

"I don't even have some of your presents yet really," James said. "So yeah."

Miss Fawley had sent a parcel that morning containing Remus's presents for the others. He still needed to wrap them, and was glad he'd have the entirety of the holidays to do so. He'd give Lily and Aegis their presents tomorrow, before they left.

Remus didn't get to bed till nearly five in the morning, and was awoken at eight by Sirius shaking him, telling him he needed to get up. Remus moaned, trying to bury his head under his pillow.

"You can sleep after we leave," Sirius said, tugging at Remus's arm. "Come on. Go down to the library for a bit then meet us in the Great Hall at ten or so."

Remus sat up, blinking sleepily. "If iz wassnt holdays id kiill yooo," he yawned out, smacking Sirius with a pillow. The others were already up too, all of them watching Remus eagerly. "Fine, fine."

He slithered out of bed and got dressed in the lavatories. Then he went down to the Great Hall, where he folded his arms on the table and fell back asleep. He woke up now and again whenever someone was loud, but pretty much slept the entire two hours. At a little after ten the Marauders showed up, hauling their trunks behind them.

They had breakfast together, the three of them apologizing to Remus about him having to leave the dorm so early but promising it'd be worth it.

"You didn't buy me anything, did you?" he asked. They all exchanged looks. "You know I don't—"

"Strictly speaking, no," James said. "It's… for you, however it's… mine. You'll understand when you see it."

That confused Remus even more, but he didn't bother trying to figure it out. He was too tired.

After the late breakfast, he went with them to the front courtyard and they exchanged hugs with him, all of them promising to write a lot, and Sirius once again apologizing for not being able to stay behind.

"Have a good holiday," he told them as they piled into the carriage. He stood by himself, wind whipping against his probably-too-thin-jumper, arms hugging his middle, feeling strange. Like… he supposed the closest thing would be in The Secret Garden after everyone died and Mary was left all alone. The Marauders leaned out the carriage windows, waving and shouting at Remus until their carriage disappeared down the drive.

Remus was alone.

Not alone-alone, there were loads of students around him and he found Lily and Aegis to give them their presents and to hug Lily. But he felt alone. Then he went inside, also feeling as though nothing was real. The entrance hall was still crowded but as he made his way to the Gryffindor tower, he saw fewer and fewer people until… he really was alone. He reached the portrait, went in, and looked around the empty common room, wondering how many students were actually staying behind.

Then he looked at the stairs and curiosity pulled him to his dorm. He hesitated at the door, hand on the knob, then slowly opened the door, not sure what to expect but partially expecting a prank.

Instead, on the other side was the dorm completely decked out in Christmas decorations. There were fairy lights strung up all over and several winding down the posts of his bed, and the Marauders' beds. There was tinsel, strings of popcorn, and loads of ornaments everywhere.

Remus stared around as he stepped inside, mouth hanging slightly open. There were even four small trees. Fully decorated ones sitting on James, Sirius, and Peter's desks, and one undecorated one on Remus's other than an envelope with his name on it. Remus went over and opened it up.

Remy,

We know you said your favorite part about Christmas is the decorations and you said before you never really got to decorate at home.

Had he said that? He couldn't remember.

We thought since we had to leave you, we'd maybe make the days brighter with some Christmas cheer. We left this tree bare so you can decorate it how you like. There's boxes of stuff under James's bed for you to use if you like.

Missing you already,

JSP

PS: one for all, all for one, and four to the end!