Chapter 12
In Kazuma's view, the world was a cruel tapestry intricately woven with the dark threads of injustice. To him, it seemed these relentless misfortunes had a peculiar way of singling him out as if fate had marked him the hapless scapegoat for the universe's capricious whims. His skepticism had only deepened with recent events, facing off against a Demon King General and subsequently being captured by a far more formidable—and attractive—adversary. This seductive foe had him securely tied to a chair, menacingly threatening his most sensitive anatomy. As if this indignity weren't enough, chaos ensued.
Shirou entered the scene, engaging in combat against a spectral illusion until he approached exhaustion.
Subsequently, Aqua manifested in a berserk state, causing chaos that almost reduced the castle to rubble with them inside.
The situation seemed grim. A situation made worse when Darkness and Megumin, the dynamic chaos duo, escalated events into realms that Kazuma doubted he would ever comprehend.
And now, amidst relentless mayhem, their current predicament unfolded.
"Crap, crap, crap!"
The castle's outer wall fell apart, and the lake made by Shirou and Megumin let loose a powerful flood.
It grabbed Kazuma, Aqua, Shirou, Darkness, and Megumin, turning them into helpless captives in the rushing water.
Kazuma covered his head. The world became a chaotic aquatic maelstrom, pulling him underwater toward the breached castle wall with undeniable strength. He took it with all the grace of a turd swirling around a toilet bowl.
Ejected from the castle, Kazuma experienced a moment of weightlessness. Everything around him spun in a chaotic whirl as they soared through the air.
Shirou, you bastard! He thought clearing the water and hitting the rocky mountainside the castle perched on with bone-jarring force. Kazuma screamed and cursed, bouncing down, slamming into rocks, and bristly bushes that tore his skin and clothes. He reached out, desperate to slow his uncontrolled descent.
He got lucky, flipping onto his back and skidding down the steep bank, marginally better than tumbling head over heels. However, skidding down feet first came with unexpected dangers. A rock jutted from the earth like a jagged speed bump, slipping between Kazuma's legs. He screams elevated in pitch and he cleared the ground before landing on another rock butt first. His screams became choked gurgles.
I can never get married now.
Delirious, Kazuma choked, heaved, and panted, collapsing at the base of the mountain. I'm alive? Kazuma wondered, staring skyward. Yes, he'd survived. Death wouldn't have been so painful.
The sky was a brilliant shade of blue, prompting Kazuma to ponder how long he had been inside the castle. It felt like an eternity, yet the sun, barely past its midday zenith, showed it had been only a few hours. Time seemed to warp around him; seconds stretched into hours, and hours compressed into seconds.
"Kazuma, Kazuma!"
Kazuma groaned. Of everybody to have landed near him, it had to be Darkness, The Masochist Queen of all things NOT healing related. He curled into a ball, cupping his damaged groin — the image of crushed grapes on a sidewalk came to mind. He whimpered.
"Kazuma! Hurry, the General won't have died from something as gentle as a water slide. We must find and assist Aqua and Shirou."
Goddamn Shirou! Kazuma shook his head but accepted Darkness' help to stand. Her formidable constitution meant she had taken far less damage than he had. However, she had ditched her armor back in the castle, leaving her looking bedraggled—clad only in a tight black undershirt and a yellow skirt.
Even the Darkness's support Kazuma hunched and hobbled bow-legged. He squinted through tears and muck before pointing. "There."
He saw Aqua one hundred meters away. She looked weaker, even from a distance, and dare he say less angry? He watched her body slam the huge fox…so maybe he underestimated her continued aggravation.
"Aqua has become impressive today…." Darkness said, a complicated expression crossing her pretty features. "Should we go help her?"
Aqua landed punch after ground-shaking punch, the fox's high-pitched shrieks confirmed the power behind each blow.
"Nope," Kazuma said. He couldn't have helped even if he wanted to, his knees shaking as they were. Without Darkness's support, Kazuma would have collapsed into the mud. He'd also bet the General would follow the fox's screams, which spelled all kinds of 'nope.'
Kazuma continued his agonizing shuffle, using Darkness as a support, while searching for Megumin and Shirou. It didn't take long; the area was sparsely vegetated, though a few large rocks and scattered debris littered the surrounding field.
"Darkness, Kazuma!" Megumin's voice sliced through the air as she knelt beside Shirou's motionless body. "Shirou's hurt!"
Kazuma's heart lurched, a cold tide washing over him and his world tilted. Panic clawed at his throat, gripping tight. He fell as Darkness dropped his arm and darted off, forgetting about poor, poor Kazuma. I hate everyone.
Still, Shirou was Kazuma's party member, and dare he say friend—no friend isn't right. acquaintance? No. Who gives a crap, he thought, falling onto his hands and knees.
His eyes watering, Kazuma almost missed it while crawling after Darkness. A guild card. He picked it up and saw Shirou's portrait smiling in the upper right corner.
Kazuma stared, blinking until his vision cleared and all he saw was red. "That cheating son of a bitch!"
Points, dozens of unused skill points, glared from Shirou's card. The bastard hasn't spent a single one! How the hell could Shirou be that powerful and not spend a single frigging point? Kazuma read several of the abilities and upgrades available to his fellow party member, and he forgot about the painful throbbing from below as his eye twitched.
It's official. Kazuma ended up partying with nothing but idiots. Dumbasses of the most epic proportions. Morons whose ineptitude couldn't be measured. Fools whose lives would be better spent earning degrees in fine frigging arts, and playing bongos under a tree oblivious to how irritating their existences are to everyone around them!
Kazuma panted in sheer rage. Forgetting all about the agony radiating from his groin, he stood and stomped toward where Shirou lay. If his party member wasn't such a braindead meathead, he wouldn't have been kidnapped, tied up, thrown down a mountain, and potentially rendered infertile.
"Kazuma, what are you doing?" Darkness asked, glancing up from Shirou's insensate form. Kazuma didn't answer, instead, he reared his leg back and unleashed a kick like he wanted to score a goal from half field, aimed squarely at Shirou's groin.
He connected with a dull crunch of bone breaking against metal.
"You're wearing a cup?!" Kazuma shrieked, hopping on one foot as pain seared up his leg. Shirou snored.
Asshole!
"What were you thinking?!" Darkness's mouth hung agape. Kazuma didn't care. Curses spewed from his lips at a tongue-defying rate.
"Really, Kazuma." Megumin said, her lips turned downward in disgust. "you are such a slimeball. To kick our leader while he's unconscious after saving our lives —" Megumin got cut off as another boom echoed, followed by a feminine shriek.
Aqua crashed down in a heap twenty feet away. "Owie."
Oh, come on!
Exhausted to his core, Kazuma slumped to the ground, his body too weary to process the dread that Aqua's battered appearance should evoke. He knew all too well that the General's arrival was imminent. Aqua, sprawled and defeated, her labored breaths punctuating the tense air. As she groaned in misery, Kazuma could almost envision cartoonish little yellow birds swirling above her head, an absurd contrast to the grim reality of their situation.
Screw it.
"Hurry and wake Shirou up," Kazuma said, folding his arms and scowling. "I've got a plan."
"I don't think, running or hiding, going to work now, Kazuma," Megumin said. "We're all exhausted and Darkness can't carry everyone." Well…Kazuma couldn't blame her line of reasoning. "You know if somebody let me keep my staff I'd be able to blast the General, but no, I couldn't be trusted." It seems Megumin wasn't feeling forgiving, even in their current circumstances.
Alas, Kazuma didn't give a damn. "Shut. Up. Megumin," He spat from between clenched teeth. "We don't have time."
She huffed but said no more and began shaking Shirou gently. "Wakey wakey Shirou, we're about to die."
He snored.
If Kazuma's kick hadn't woken the man, he doubted a gentle shake would do the trick. Something Darkness seemed to agree with, as she pushed Megumin back.
"That won't work. We need something more shocking..." Kazuma agreed. If someone removed that cup, he'd be happy to try another kick. "... like the kiss of a princess!"
Right, morons.
Kazuma wondered if the General would still be willing to take him away. It couldn't be much worse than this.
"... Or maybe you could get Aqua," Kazuma said, voice flat. Because, even tired, Aqua still had the skills of an arch-priest and the mana pool of a goddess. Which was about the only goddess-y thing about her. If she couldn't wake Shirou, he would start prostrating himself to prepare for the General's arrival.
"…Right." Disappointment clear, Darkness hustled toward Aqua.
"Darkness has it bad," Megumin said, shaking her head, "Do you think Shirou's a sadist, Kazuma?"
"Now's not the time, Megumin." Kazuma's gaze shifted nervously to the approaching general, her tails fanning out, radiating with power. "Hurry the hell up, Darkness!"
In a distant corner of his mind, Kazuma noted he should have been more excited with the sight of an armor-less Darkness rushing toward them, clad only in her skin-tight black undershirt.
"Here, Aqua, hurry and heal Shirou," Darkness pushed the weary Aqua forward.
"There's no need to push. I'm tired and sore, and I just saved your lives. A little gratitude wouldn't hurt."
"We'll be more than tired and sore if you don't hurry!"
Aqua huffed but placed her hands on Shirou's head her hands glowing with a blue energy. "Greater Heal."
The effect was instantaneous. Shirou bolted upright with a snort, his eyes wide and wild.
"There we go, awake and all healed up. Except for the mana exhaustion. I can't help with that."
"What's your plan, Kazuma?" Darkness asked.
"Plan?" Shirou echoed, his voice tinged with confusion.
"General incoming. Aqua's tired, and you could have beaten her all along, you idiot," Kazuma snapped, thrusting Shirou's guild card in his face. "You haven't spent a single damn skill point."
Shirou blinked stupidly, his eyes crossing as he tried to read the card. "I forgot about those."
Kazuma nearly broke into tears of unrelenting frustration. "You did, did you?" he said through clenched teeth. "Well, since we've got a furious uber boss on her way, maybe you could enhance your mana pool before she turns us into paste!"
Shirou flushed, scratching his head before taking the card and swiftly swiping his finger across it to find the relevant skills, then pressing the confirm button. Almost instantly, Shirou's eyes glowed with power, and green grid-like lines became visible beneath his clothing.
Shirou stared at his hands, flexing them. He giggled—a punch-drunk sound that had Kazuma exchanging a worried glance with Megumin.
Kazuma opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, Shirou leaped to his feet, fist raised high.
"So much mana. Is this how Rin feels all the time?" Shirou said, sounding awed.
Who the hell is Rin? Kazuma wondered, unable to recall anyone by that name.
"Who's Rin?" Darkness asked, her tone more accusing than curious.
Not touching that one, Kazuma thought. Even if he felt so inclined to explore Darkness's apparent jealousy, the opportunity never arose.
With a thunderous roar, lances of fire erupted into existence and rocketed toward their group. Kazuma yelped, having no time to duck or run. "Shirou!" he screamed in terror.
"Rho Aias!"
A shimmering magic shield, reminiscent of a blooming pink flower, enveloped Kazuma and his companions. The General's lances of flame splashed against it as if breaking against a cliff. Not even the heat reached them.
"Detonation rain!" the General roared, her voice carrying a mix of fury and command. She was close enough now for Kazuma to see the feral rage warping her pretty features into something wild and animalistic. He had little time to stare, however, as white-hot balls of fire launched from her hands—a dozen of them arcing high into the blue sky before turning sharply and hurtling down like missiles.
"Holy shit!" Kazuma said as the General's aerial assault negated Shirou's protective shield. If this was her considering herself not great at combat, Kazuma shuddered to think what truly formidable foes lurked out there.
"Trace, on!"
Kazuma watched, dumbstruck, as dozens of swords materialized in a flash of blue light. Shining steel hovered midair, their points aimed skyward, ready for battle.
"Full barrage!" At Shirou's command, the lines glowing on his skin pulsed, and the swords shot upward, colliding spectacularly with the General's flaming bombs.
Boom! The explosion rattled Kazuma's teeth, and a sea of fire raged above them.
"That was the strongest spell in the School of Detonation," Megumin said, her voice filled with awe. Kazuma turned to see her wide-eyed wonderment. "It's almost as cool as Explosion!"
"Quit admiring the enemy after she almost killed us, dammit!"
"Shirou," Darkness said, her voice grave, "I must insist you stop holding back during our spars." Despite her words, Kazuma noticed two very telling signs of her thoughts on Shirou's spell. Little Kazuma remained utterly still. Uh-oh. Am I really destined to become a monk?
"How?" The General demanded, halting several feet away from the remnants of Shirou's shield. "Nobody should recover their mana so quickly. How?"
Shirou lowered his arm; the shield dissipating. He faced the General, his chin held high with pride. "Because... hax."
Kazuma, although agreeing silently, wished Shirou had chosen a less provocative response, especially given the General's already simmering temper.
"Hax!? Hax!? Do you think I'm an idiot, brat? I'm a General of the Devil King. I've fought armies, ended nations, driven lesser beings to extinction. You're an adventurer from some pus ball town; you don't get to have hax."
Kazuma wasn't entirely sure if their definitions of 'hax' matched up. He shook his head; that didn't matter now. What mattered was his immediate proximity to a furious boss-class monster who seemed eager to tear him limb from limb.
"Uh, guys, we should probably run now. Shirou's got this, right Shirou?"
Shirou flashed them a thumbs up and sported an overly happy and excited smile. "She's going down."
Relief washed over Kazuma. Unfortunately, that relief vanished when Darkness opened her mouth.
"I refuse," Darkness said, positioning herself beside Shirou. "A party never abandons one of their own. We didn't abandon Kazuma when the General captured him, we've never left Megumin alone to be devoured after using her Explosion, and we haven't replaced Aqua with Wiz, even after Kazuma's passionate speech that night while she and you were asleep—"
"What!" exclaimed Aqua. At the same time, Kazuma shouted, "Shut up, Darkness!"
Darkness ignored them both and pressed on. "... So we won't abandon you here, right everyone?"
"Right, Darkness. My Crimson Demon blood would never allow such cowardice!" Megumin affirmed.
"Yeah!" Aqua cried, fist thrust out. "Beat this stupid General fast, Shirou, then help me pound Kazuma's stupid face in!"
They're all—They're all so stupid! Don't they see? It would be ten times easier for Shirou to fight the General alone without having to worry about us!
Kazuma knew he would be nothing but a liability in this fight. Darkness and Megumin weren't much better. Only Aqua's presence made sense; she could continuously buff Shirou and heal him as needed.
Kazuma opened his mouth, ready to argue, but it was too late. More magic erupted from the General, igniting the ground beneath her feet. The fire burned white-hot, melting rocks into slag and turning dirt into blackened glass.
"Burn!" the General spat between clenched teeth. The fire surged forth, resembling a river's current but infinitely more deadly.
Kazuma's life flashed before his eyes: video games, his waifu, and uncountable sticky socks. I was always going to die a virgin, wasn't I? he thought despairingly.
"I am the bone of my sword," Shirou said, his words echoing unnaturally. Kazuma felt a magic surge, similar to when Shirou summoned his crazy arrow, but stronger and more tranquil. A sword formed in Shirou's hand, radiating a peaceful blue light a shade deeper than Aqua's hair. The air around the sword rippled, reminding Kazuma of a stone tossed into a lake.
"Arondight," Shirou said, holding the sword high. The ripples expanded, distorting Kazuma's view of the General and landscape around them. The white flames swept forth and were snuffed out without fanfare.
"This sword," Shirou said. "Blessed and empowered by the Lady of the Lake will never allow fire to burn her wielder."
Kazuma stared, unblinking. I'm done, he decided. This entire world is ridiculous, stupid, and impossible, and I'm done. Yet, he couldn't deny he appreciated not dying.
"That's impossible!" The General said, her previous wrath was replaced by fear. "No human should be capable of such power."
Shirou's voice echoed, a defiant challenge to the General's disbelief. "Devil King General, behold the true might of Shirou Fucking Emiya!" His proclamation rang out, not just a statement but a clarion call, as the blade in his hand ignited with a brilliance that pierced the sky.
With that battle cry tearing through the air, Shirou unleashed his fury. His arms swung with the precision of a master, sending a blazing blue crescent of energy slicing through the air. It roared like a wave, cleaving apart everything before it.
The General, her form a mere shadow against the overwhelming light, screamed—a sound of pure terror that sliced into Kazuma's heart. But her fear was short-lived; the light enveloped her, erasing her from existence as it continued its relentless path. It carved through the earth, gouging a trench twelve feet deep in its wake, a testament to its merciless power, until it finally vanished beyond the horizon.
Kazuma, his body quaking, not just from fear but from awe. Such unimaginable power flowed from Shirou—a man from Japan. That singular attack could have obliterated all of Ansel, reduced it to nothing more than a memory whispered in the winds.
"... We did it," Aqua said, sounding shocked. Kazuma turned his head mechanically toward her. Her mouth hung open, her blue hair frazzled. "We beat a Devil King General!"
A switch flipped and Darkness and Megumin joined in Aqua's excited screaming. The three women clasped hands and began jumping in jubilation.
Kazuma watched from where he sat, the prospect of standing still quite distant. The sight of three beauties, each soaked, their clothes clinging to their frames… It reminded him of a very pressing need in his trousers.
"Aqua!" Kazuma said, interrupting the cheering. "I think I need some healing."
Their trek to Ansel stretched longer than usual. Shirou cast frequent glances behind him, catching sight of Aqua and Kazuma dragging their feet. In Kazuma's eyes, he spotted the dazed terror of a man who had narrowly skirted complete ruin, while Aqua appeared pallid, bordering on nauseous. Though Shirou couldn't fault her—her medical tact could use some polishing.
"My gods," Aqua groaned, turning aside to vomit as she yanked down Kazuma's trousers. "Your, your…Oh gods, it's like crushed plums, only tinier and bloodier…"
Shirou shuddered at the thought of enduring such an ordeal...
Thankfully, Aqua's divine skills as a goddess and Arch-Priest had mended things well enough. Something to be thankful for, indeed.
"If I weren't a goddess and an Arch-Priest, we'd be calling you Kazuha now. Still, the injury was bad. Like way bad. You won't be able to use it for two weeks. I'm serious. Try it once and it'll explode, and not even I can fix that."
…Yes, everything would be alright.
Despite their slowed pace, the town was near, and they reached it before sunset. "They're back!" an adventurer said from the town gate.
Shirou had barely touched the cobblestones when a swarm of townspeople surrounded him, their voices a cacophony of excitement and curiosity.
"Shirou, you survived!"
"Did you defeat him, Shirou?!"
"Have my babies..." Shirou recoiled; that voice was unsettlingly deep.
"Everyone," Luna said, pressing through to Shirou's side. "Please, calm down. Shirou just returned from what must have been a grueling experience. Give him room to move to the Adventurer's Guild for a full debrief."
To Shirou's astonishment, the crowd complied, though some did so with visible reluctance. Luna, in her crisp guild uniform and her blonde hair perfectly styled, commanded considerable respect.
"You know," Megumin said, catching Shirou's gaze. Bereft of her hat and eyepatch, lost during their harried flight from the castle, she looked even younger than her fourteen years. "We're all here too," she motioned towards Darkness, Aqua, and herself.
Luna colored. "Of course, Megumin. I apologize. Your whole team needs debriefing, and we'll need to check your guild cards to verify today's events." She grasped Shirou's hand. "Please, let me escort you."
The crowd parted, and though Shirou had yet to share the good news, their mere survival proved enough to ignite hope. They waved, cheered, and beamed.
"Holy crap," Kazuma said. Shirou glanced back and grinned; the spontaneous parade seemed to have eased his earlier trauma. Aqua, too, seemed rejuvenated, waving and blowing kisses.
Upon their arrival at the guild, the sun had dipped behind the buildings. The guild hall was deserted, bathed in the soft glow of many candles, exuding a warmth and comfort that was palpable. Shirou inhaled, his stomach growling in anticipation; the cooks were already busy.
"I knew you'd come back!" Luna said, embracing Shirou once they were clear of the crowd. "Nobody's ever defeated a General before, but I knew you would save us, Shirou."
Shirou's face warmed, but his smile was wide. This feeling, the one he had been chasing since Kiritsugu had found him, was beyond words. I was right; he thought. How could saving lives ever be wrong?
Reporting the events to Luna took longer than expected. By the time they finished, the sun had set and Luna had confirmed the defeat of the Devil King's General through Shirou's guild card. The announcement using the guild's magical broadcast system turned the once-quiet hall into a hub of excitement.
Swept up in the festive atmosphere, his fatigue forgotten, Shirou watched as Kazuma, Darkness, Megumin, and Aqua shared their parts of the story, eliciting gasps and cheers from the crowd.
"Everybody! Everybody!" Luna climbed onto a table to be seen. The room quieted, all eyes on her. "I've received confirmation from the Capital. They have officially recognized Shirou's deed in slaying the General!" The adventurers erupted in cheers. "With this acknowledgment, Shirou and his team will receive the full bounty of 250 million, Eris!"
That staggering sum left Shirou breathless. Aqua's reaction was less restrained. "Yes! No more debt, no more cheap drinks. Bartender, the finest bubbly you have!" she shouted, bounding toward the bar.
"250 million." Kazuma staggered toward Shirou. "That's 50 million each... we'll never have to worry about money again."
Megumin and Darkness, though more composed, beamed with wide, genuine smiles. It was a moment of unbridled joy that seemed to suspend time around them.
The world was far from perfect. Monsters lurked at the edges of civilization, and dark forces schemed against the innocent. Yet, in moments like these, Shirou couldn't help but love the world they were in. The jubilation in the guild was infectious, a palpable testament to their collective relief and triumph over darkness.
As the night wore on, the guild hall buzzed with tales of bravery and near misses, each recount enhancing the legend of their journey. Shirou, surrounded by his comrades and an entire community celebrating their victory, felt a profound connection to his purpose. This was more than just defeating a foe; it was about preserving a way of life and protecting those who could not defend themselves.
Amid the celebration, Shirou caught Luna's eye. She was smiling at him, a look of admiration and perhaps something deeper. Shirou's heart skipped a beat. This journey had started as a mission, a duty he felt obligated to fulfill, but it had transformed into something far more personal and meaningful.
The guild's candles flickered in the soft breeze that swept through the open windows, casting dancing shadows across the merry faces. Laughter, cheers, and the clinking of glasses filled the air, creating a melody of victory and camaraderie. As Shirou looked around, he realized that these moments, these connections, were what truly battled the darkness in the world.
Kazuma, slightly more sober now, clapped Shirou on the back.
Aqua, returning with a glass of sparkling wine in each hand, thrust one into Shirou's grasp. "To Shirou and me!" she declared, raising her glass high.
The crowd echoed her toast, raising their drinks. As the glasses clinked, Shirou felt a surge of pride and humility. This was more than a victory over a general or the acquisition of a fortune. It was an affirmation of his path, the choice to embrace the responsibility he had once doubted. Yes, the world wasn't perfect, and their journey was far from over, but as he stood there among friends and allies, Shirou was certain of one thing:
He really did love this world.
Thus ends my retelling of Konosuba volume one. It's been forever since I posted something, I know. There's some loose ends still apparent but those our to be addressed next chapter, which will hopefully come a bit sooner than this one.
As always, thanks for reading and if you have any thoughts about this chapter or the story in general, please leave a comment. Every comment is a great motivator for me so don't be shy!