Hello! I'm sorry for updating so irregularly, but my finals will be done soon so I will be able to write more ^^ Thank you for being patient with me!
Also, I just cannot stop thanking you guys! It's such a pleasure to update and not just write for the sake of GETTING THE FANGIRLING OUT, but you are all so nice and polite, thanking me and gracing me with your opinion on what you liked in particular (as per my wish, thank you!)! You're really so kind and considerate, I'm more than happy to update and write these chaps for you!
Your thoughts on the story make me very happy and proud, so thank you again and a million times over, Nina-Chan202, Isanien and Somnolent Sushi Roll! And of course to everyone and every guest who takes their time to let me know what they think, thank you!
(Word count probably 40/56 = thank you xD)
Without further ado, I hope you'll enjoy!
"Of course," Jellal said, feeling uneasy. And even more uneasy for feeling uneasy. Bisca was very nice, thanking him several times – first uneasy – for having taken care of Asuka and letting him know just how much her daughter loved to play with him – second uneasy. Actually, number two had been the awkwardness in the first place. Whatever number he was at, the fact of them discussing it in the guildhall doubled and tripled it, making it rise exponentially.
He could not grasp how Erza managed to cope. She was so relaxed and easy-going, agreeing to all the precious things he did as if selling a pure-bred horse – not a single doubt and with a proud shine in her eyes. He wanted to turn into smoke, fly out to the sky and never end his journey until evaporating from the nearing sun.
Hardly anyone was paying attention. And if they were, Erza distracted with another topic. She knew them all so well, she was aware of each and every of her guildmates' preferences and hardships and she dealt those with prudence and precision.
He felt relief wash down his back when she finally turned for the door and they left.
"Didn't Meredy want to come?" Erza asked, only noticing when already halfway down the street.
"She said she would ask Warren for a new communication lacrima after Porlyusica finishes her examination,"
"I'm really glad she didn't find anything," Erza sighed and he nodded his agreement. It would save him another trip to the guild and that crowd he permanently wanted to flee from. He could not say why, but being surrounded by people he knew – or who knew him – was so much worse than being cornered by strangers. He felt the urge to prove himself, to be even more self-conscious than usual and it churned through his mind relentlessly, giving him a headache.
And gnawing guilt.
He should be trying harder, he thought, stealing a glance to the side, watching Erza hum to herself, blissfully unaware of his inner torment. How he envied her.
"So, Meredy," he tried in his most nonchalant voice as the two followed the path to the settlement of their current quest.
"Mhm,"
"You're a woman," he began, cringing at his own choice of words. She gasped, staring at him with wide, with poorly hidden amusement sparkling eyes.
"My cover is blown! How did I give myself away?" She exclaimed with shock and he exhaled sharply through his nose.
"I'm trying to be serious here,"
"With a statement like that, you can't possibly expect the same of me." She grinned, facing the hills again. "But yes, I am. How can I be of service?"
"I- wait, hold on," he stumbled over his sentence, "don't ever say it like that to anyone else," he gave her a stern look. She tilted her head in puzzlement, frowning.
"What? Why- ooooh... right. Sorry," Meredy put on another innocent grin but he returned the same expression as before.
"Honestly, don't,"
"Got it, boss. Now what's bugging you?" She asked, giving a mock salute. He sighed. Then again. His hands clenched in his pockets.
"It's... about Erza," Jellal kept his gaze off his guildmate.
"Who would've guessed...?" She peeked at him with a smirk. He avoided it. This had been a mistake, he thought, then gave himself a mental kick. He had to know. He had to get rid of that jealousy, of that deifying feeling, if only he knew how to do it himself. How to impress her or at least not embarrass her anymore.
"How do you just always..." he hesitated, "talk to people?" He asked, still keeping his eyes on the road. The gravel crunched beneath his feet and the village came into view.
Her face was deadpan when she gave a hopeless shrug.
"Jellal, that's not only women, that's literally just you,"
They were not far from Hargeon when Meredy finally raised the topic again. It had to be more than just talking to people, so she wondered whether the couple had communication troubles. Or whether it was just him, imagining problems where there were none, blaming himself for nothing at all.
It had not left her mind ever since that late morning.
"You could've probably gone on this mission with Erza," she teased, not even having to think about it. It came so naturally and the results were plainly written on his brooding face.
"Don't be ridiculous. This was a task for our guild," he reasoned. Not that it was untrue, but…
"Still, she could've helped you,"
"Maybe I wanted to do it with you," he said, his frown intensifying as he keenly avoided her gaze. She had to smile – a sad smile, because she knew that he had only said it to elude the topic.
"You wanted the excuse to leave," she put it so plainly, he flinched.
"Stop that,"
"Stop what?"
"Reading me," Jellal grumbled and a mischievous smirk crawled onto her lips.
"Oh, did you discover a side of her you don't like?" It was too easy. He always made it too easy for her. He would never say anything bad about Erza; he had to talk about himself now.
Meredy sent silent thanks to Ultear.
"Of course not, she's perfect in every way. I'm just so…" he caught himself before rambling on. She pouted shortly. She then tried the 'understanding friend' trip instead of teasing him. Not that she was not – understanding, though also teasing –, she wanted to help him. It would be exceptional if someone who was not Erza could achieve anything that concerned his uptight persona opening even a little.
"Insecure?" Awkward, "Tongue-tied?" Dumbstruck, "Tense?" Shy, she thought to herself.
"Weak…" he breathed, nearly inaudibly. He did not turn, any and all of her restraints on surprised reactions for naught, though not the teasing. The digging. Gently uncovering that layer beneath his thick wall of silence – or perhaps just discovering another wall. Still, it was something.
"I keep…" he went on and she kept her steps as silent as possible, trying not to remind him to be in existence, "saying things, telling her thinks- like I do right now! Stop it, Meredy!" He fumed, throwing her a black look and she laughed. Then she smiled, keeping up with his angrily quickening pace.
"I don't-"
"No. Stop."
"I was just-"
"I'm not having this conversation anymore," he cut her off again and she giggled.
"Alright, fine, then I'll have one with myself. You're cordially invited to take a listen," she said, receiving a groan of annoyance. Nothing he did worked on her, she knew, smugly grinning behind his back. He had always tried the still polite don't-answer-and-she-will-stop-eventually method but she had soon found that if she kept on blabbing, she would hit a nerve at some point and tickle some more out of him.
"I think, in my personal opinion," she put a hand over her heart for more emphasis, closing her eyes for a second, even though he did not see, "revealing one's feelings doesn't make a person weak. It takes a lot of courage to speak one's mind, and even more so if it leaves you vulnerable. You should always say how you truly feel or you won't know whether you are being accepted for who you are,"
"Enough with the 'you' already..." he growled under his breath.
"Only then can the person you love-"
"I get it, Meredy,"
"Oh, Jellal, how rude of you to interrupt my monologue," Meredy blinked with the most convincing puzzlement at his bad mood. He sighed deeply, his head rolling alongside his eyes.
"I get it, okay? I got the message. I'm weak and you think that's good even though I'm a moronic mess when I can use it the least," he lamented and she smirked with triumph.
"She doesn't seem too bothered though, you've always been an idiot around her," she plainly supplied.
"Gee, thanks..."
"But so is she," Meredy stressed, trying to catch up and meet his eyes. "You probably don't notice because you never see her without you there – yeah, that makes sense... I mean, you can't, since you're not-"
"Meredy,"
"Right. Eh," she shook her head, searching for what she had wanted to say.
"Erza's never like that, she always keeps a cool head," he said it almost bitterly. She refused to sigh in either irritation or defeat.
"And you keep a straight face," she argued.
"That's not true,"
"Maybe not in your bedroom,"
"Meredy!" He did not turn at any costs now but she could see the pink glow on his cheeks. She had expected it to push a button but not this severely. Even the back of his neck was crimson by now. She had not thought them to be at that stage yet, then again, it was Erza... she had waited an awfully long time for him to finally come around.
"You're way more collected than you think, from my point of view – and anyone else's. I don't know how well she can see through your act but most people can't." She pointed out.
"We're not talking about 'people' here, she's-"
"She's in the same position as you! She's never been in a relationship before either, she's as crazy about you as you are about her," Meredy shot back, wincing at the grim shadow over his eyes.
"Fine. Enough. We're done talking about this," he said and with that, she was standing back at the gates she had just unlocked a few minutes ago. She exhaled unbelievingly, not finding any words for an instant. Was it something she had said?
"Don't you start questioning her feelings – you can't be serious!"
"This is none of your business,"
"Jellal,"
"Meredy," his voice was cold, warning. She swallowed. She had to take that risk.
"I don't think you're unhappy with being weak – I think you just can't handle your true self yet," she speculated but he ignored her. "She brings that out in you, doesn't she? And you're not used to that," she went on while he went on with blocking her out. She pushed out her lips, trying to tease him to speak but he stayed unyielding for once.
She let him off the hook for a while. Then, where their ways parted and his lead to Magnolia, both stopped.
"You know, to be fair…" Meredy broke the silence one last time, "I don't think anyone in Earth Land is not weak under her gaze," she gave a smirk which turned into a loving smile as she skipped away the first few steps, waving her goodbye without waiting for his.
He turned to see her go. She was happy. And sad. He was in good hands – he was fine.
She was alone.
He did not think to be particularly late – he actually thought they had been quite quick with their Dark Guild investigation – but the house was clad in darkness and silence when he entered. He got ready for bed a quietly as possible, taking a short shower and changing into fresh clothes. It reminded him of the washing machine he still had to buy and the last laundry Erza had somehow managed to ruin by leaving everything to stiffen in masses of waterless soap.
Jellal supressed his sigh of relaxation until having found that sleep-warm bundle of his love beneath the abundance of sheets. He hesitated with wrapping her into his arms, not wanting to accidentally squish her again. Instead, he snuggled up close, locking one arm beneath his head, curving his body perfectly around hers. He could not stand it for long, though, sliding an arm around her, feeling his muscles relax.
She would not change into anything warmer or longer than her top and shorts, having to hog blankets around her and draw her knees in close when he was not there. He was not sure why she did not exchange her attire for something warmer, but it did make him quite happy. It was such a difference to be feeling her radiating, supple skin in the place of fabric, he could not help but take advantage of the upwards tugging shirt, stealing his hand onto her stomach.
Jellal closed his eyes, inhaling her sweet scent, nuzzling his face into her nape. He loved everything about sleeping together and he wondered, more than once, whether she was annoyed by his constant clinging and longing for being as near as possible.
And him in general. He might have been getting more confident in the house, but in public – especially in the guild, which was her entire life – he was a disaster. Reserved and awkward and unsociable. Why could he not just change? Be someone worthy of her.
Erza gave a small moan, shuffling with the sheets. She turned and he thought to have woken her up, but as far as he could tell, her eyes were closed.
"Jellal…" she sighed sleepily, clumsily groping her way up his chest to his jaw. She smiled, perhaps in her dream, he realised, and stretched her neck to place a kiss on his chin, finding his lips on second attempt.
He felt warmth reach his very core, unable to help a smile when she continued to mutter something incoherent about spoons and the colour purple, her voice fading out as she pressed her face into his. He had to chuckle, daring to wrap both arms around her. Listening for the deep breathing that she vented against his cheeks, Jellal fell asleep almost as soon as he closed his eyes.
He gave a pressed breath at the weight on his chest that pushed him down, waking him up. He opened one eye. A pair of dark eyes stared at him expectantly.
"Come on, get up!" The girl hopped up and down, triggering groans from him. He sighed. She really was getting heavy. "Breakfast is already done; get up so we can eat, Papa!" She yelled, too loud and definitively too awake for that early in the morning.
"Fine, fine," he sighed to himself, smiling at her happy bounces and huge grin. Her hair was a dark magenta colour and a mark, smaller though similar to his ran down below her eye. She skipped off the bed, running for the door where she nearly knocked into her mother.
"We're having breakfast," Erza's voice was mellow as she glanced into the bedroom. She rucked up a sleepy boy in her arms who grasped the straps of her apron, cuddling into her.
"I already told him that!" The girl reported, smiling smugly when her mother placed a grateful hand on her head.
Jellal returned his wife's smile, propping himself up. He froze. The weight on him was still there. Like a barrier, blocking him from getting up.
Jellal felt his chest sink, taking his breath away. He grabbed the blanket, trying to shove it off but it stuck to him. The room around him had disappeared, no one standing it the door which's frame twisted and turned, finally being sucked into a void that swallowed everything around him. He clawed into the blanket, closing his eyes when the swallowing nothingness pounced on him.
Jellal gasped, awaking. His eyes were wide and he wheezed, staring at the dark ceiling of the bedroom. Erza stirred, giving a moan in her fading sleep when he squeezed her sides. He let go, noticing how she had scrambled on top of him again during the night, being the irremovable force that had turned his dream into a nightmare.
He frowned to himself. Was her cooking not already one…? How in the world had his mind convinced him that it would be something to look forward to?
Exhaling deeply, he sank back into the sheets. He tried hard to ignore the lingering feelings of his dream – from before it had drifted off. He could not think about something like that, knowing that it was nearly impossible, the suppression having resulted in his dream.
He squeezed his eyes close. Feeling her rock with his every breath, he allowed himself to relax again. Carefully, Jellal shoved Erza off, sustaining the loss of his shirt which she would not let go. Relieved after returning from the bathroom, he watched her, leaning against the doorframe. His mind was blank, though trying desperately against his will to return to his previous thoughts. And that image of her and their very own family.