I am so not doing you justice with a short author's note because thaaank youuu sooo much for your reviews! All those kind comments and headcanons and just thank you so much! Love reading each and every one of them over and over again!
Sorry for being late, hope you enjoy!
(Also almost posted the wrong chapter - don't hesitate to let me know about any more errors; I'm not used to do this quickly and on a phone...)
Erza had her hands folded beneath her chin, head tilted to the side while she watched her beloved focus on his newly acquired skill. His movements around the to him strange kitchen were stiff and stressed but the actions performed with a knife smooth with precision.
She looked up when Mira re-entered the kitchen, her sister on her heels, both carrying two empty trays each. Erza stood, going to help them bring the last load to the tables where the guild was happily gobbling up his casserole.
"How is this so good?" Lisanna sighed dreamily, placing the trays down on unoccupied counters.
"Because it has a lot of calories," Jellal said in a rush, taking off his oven mittens to load the trays with more filled plates. His hands shook slightly and Erza assumed it not to be due to exhaustion.
"You know how to make a woman feel good," she smirked when she took the first tray, playfully bumping her hip to his. He relaxed the slightest bit when she did, giving a smile, though it did not reach his eyes.
She accompanied Mirajane downstairs to see growing smiles as they distributed the meals.
"These are the last ones," Lisanna said, placing her load down at unoccupied seats. "Let's eat," she said, even if she had already tried some in between serving. Too taken in by the constant scent of her new favourite, richly flavoured dish, Erza forgot herself while sitting down to join her guildmates. The chattering filled the entire hall and even the Master had come out of his office, which had become seldom, seeming just as keen on the casserole as his family.
The sun was starting to set and rain pelted against the windows and partly through the ajar front gates of the Fairy Tail guild hall but no one paid it much attention. The mood was upbeat, the voices carrying laughter and love amongst the mages, everything feeling warm and like home. Smiles shone in the dimming light from outside, brightening up the hall, defying the looming darkness.
Thunder rolled, though it hardly managed to drown out the merriment. Erza glanced up at the high windows where the rain ran down in streams, only then noticing to have forgotten to invite Jellal. Not that it should have been her task but knowing him, he was either avoiding the community by dedicating himself to cleaning up or already home, soaking wet but relieved. She sighed to herself.
"Don't go washing up – we'll take care of it," Mira gave a sweet smile and Erza returned it gratefully when not being asked any questions as to why she left the table. Her heart's pride swelling at the countless compliments and admiring comments towards Jellal and his cooking shrunk when she climbed the stairs.
The kitchen was deadly silent. She pushed the door open, finding the room to be plunged into an almost eerie gloom, the usually inviting lights turned off. She found every single used baking dish to be sparkling clean where they dried. Lightning lit the room up for a moment, then thunder cracked through the electrified air. There was not a trace of Jellal.
Erza looked around the kitchen, then the pantry, finding everything to be empty. She gave another sigh. When having wished everyone a good night, she made her way back home, steps quick as not to get soaked from head to toe. It did not help in the least.
All the way through the empty streets, she could not shake the ill feeling in her stomach – and this time, she knew it was not food. It was guilt. Gnawing on her, twisting her insides and clouding her mind.
Another bolt of lightning parted the sky, thunder rumbling after it.
She had gone and done it again. Just when having decided to let it go, to leave him be and reward him for having gone out to talk to people of his own accord, she had summoned him back to toss him into the next hardship. And even before, he had not acted out of his own free will but to fight the never-ending guilt she forced onto him by making promises on his behalf.
Erza felt horrible. She hated to have to confront him but she knew she had to do it as soon as possible. Because if there was one thing she feared more than having to fight and be hurt and apologise, it was him being by himself in a harmful mindset.
Thrusting the key into the lock, Erza unequipped her boots in the entrance. She smelled the steam from the bathroom, going straight for it, only then remembering to be cautious. And rueful instead of rushed as usual – always rushing so much.
Panic flooded her and her heart catapulted into her throat when she saw nothing but his knees above the water of the bathtub.
"Jellal!" She exclaimed, diving in with her arms, grabbing whatever she could to hurl him to the surface. Jellal winced, wiping the water from his face, staring at her with the same huge eyes of shock. "Don't do that!" She all but screamed, pinching his arms with her nails.
"I…" he muttered, starting to realise how it must have seemed to her, "was cold," he explained. Erza stared at him, unsure whether to cry or scream with anger. It all subsided when she noticed how he was shivering despite the heat of the bath. She pondered whether he had only arrived shortly before her or if, perhaps, he was shaking due to emotions rather than the cold rain.
Slowly, she relaxed again. She eased onto her knees, releasing him after another moment. Panting, Erza sank further, her head falling, forehead finally resting on the rim of the tub. Jellal watched as she sat there, a seemingly endless silence stretching for minutes to pass. Then her shoulders jerked.
Erza cried on when they were already in bed. She laid on his chest, her fists balling around the fabric of his shirt which was by now soaked at the front. Her back spasmed with sudden inhales, her throat burning as much as her swollen eyes did. Her face was red and sticky, never given the chance to dry completely.
Jellal was quiet, his firm arms around her the only comfort he was granting. And she was content with that. It hurt – it hurt like a thousand needles pierced through her chest – but it was right.
With several sniffles, Erza finally pushed herself up the tiniest bit, her arms trembling under her unsteady weight. She had tried to stop crying, to breathe regularly and to sort her thoughts but nothing had seemed to obey her.
"I'm glad," she sobbed, her torso contracting while she gasped for air, "that you're not…" she sobbed again, biting down on her lip to keep from hiccupping. Jellal's brows were furrowed in sympathy when the image of her hurt him seemingly more than she felt by her impatient actions. He remained mute, though, enduring, giving her heart a hopefully painful stab.
"That… that you don't say…" she sobbed, "that it's okay when it's not…" Erza sniffed. She took another few breaths, all rasping and aching but her lungs yearned for the oxygen. "Because it… isn't," she blinked at the fresh tears in her eyes, snivelling, "I'm glad you…" she blubbered out, "tell me these things," her voice broke and she sobbed on relentlessly, unable to supress another wave of shaking, vocally contorted gasps.
Jellal's arms tightened around her back, his lips quivering, too, not soothing her hurting him visibly. Reluctantly, he closed his eyes to stop the itching in them and she had to hiccup, her own welling up again. She fell back into him.
This was not how she had imagined their originally planned night out to be. This was not how she had wanted herself to be. She had been ignorant from the start, repeating her mistake in a single day, taking everything out on him, using him, imposing her own desire for recognition of the guild onto him. Something he was not obliged to. Something he had not only not agreed to but opposed to time and time again.
Something she should do well without.
Why was this so important to her? Usually, she was not one to seek approval of others. She did not care much for her reputation, other than being a role model for her friends. She could not even remember where the name Titania had come from, never having used it herself. She knew who she was but for some reason, she wanted people to know who they were. She had wanted to help him be what she wanted them to see. What she was blessed with every day.
And no matter what he did, she got her way.
Part of her still believed that that was what he needed – to jump in at the deep end and grow with the challenge. That it would break him little by little, shoving him back into his corner where he would even steer clear of her, that was not what she had wanted. To get to the point where he was so uncomfortable, he wordlessly endured to see her cry.
It got the message across, however, and she was glad he sent it.
Erza cursed at herself inwardly while she desperately attempted to stop her shaking, her sobs and her flowing tears. She had longed for him for so long and she knew the feeling was mutual. Then why did she keep on stretching and sawing into their bond, forged over torture and betrayal and an inexplicably surviving love?
"We're kind of a mess…" Jellal muttered after what had seemed like eternity. The sun was long gone, the night still heavy with clouds and softening rain, leaving them in utter darkness. She had not noticed him to have moved, too caught up in her own misery. One of his hands carefully stroked down her back, triggering a hefty sob she had thought to have under control by now.
"Not we, I am," Erza sniffled, keeping her mouth closed for the hiccup to only stir her noiselessly. She jerked with it, squinting to keep her eyes from letting the newly brimming tears from falling. They ignored the order. Her breath hitched with a gasp and her lungs whined when she held it for a moment. His arms had tightened, his cheek leaning against the side of her head.
"It's not easy, is it? To break out of that role you force onto yourself…" he whispered. Erza felt her eyes overflow, finally breathing again. She sobbed vocally, squeaking out apologies. And she knew, if only for a moment, what self-hatred felt like.
Erza awoke in the middle of the night. Her eyes were sore and it took a stinging painful moment to open them, her eyelashes crusted together. She tiredly stared into the darkness, waiting for her vision to adjust. Without lifting her head, she tilted it to be able to look at him.
Jellal was asleep, something she had rarely witnessed. His frown was still present but his breathing regular. His grip on her was also just as tight as before, as if he could not relax, not even in his sleep. Had he not yet learned that she would not disappear over night? Was he still just as unsure as in the beginning? Had she not yet made it clear enough that she would be damned before ever leaving him?
Erza sighed to herself, turning her head onto its side again to be more comfortable. She let the day pass through her head once more, remembering the talk with Laxus and then Romeo. And Asuka. He was marvellous with children, and she found that she could hardly wait to see how he would interact with his very own.
Not that he wanted that. His reaction had been clear when asking about her pills, still giving a little stab. Not that she wanted any, either, but the idea was nice to think about.
Who was she kidding, she wanted it. At least... sometime. Not at the moment. Judging from his reaction, right now would be the most unsuited and stupid time for that. They were a mess, him as much as her and should they ever decide on bringing a new life into the world, they had to bring their own in order first. It was not urgent, anyway, though he was nearing his thirties, Erza thought.
And there she went again, rushing things. Deciding them on her own, completely disregarding his opinion – which he had shown just that day. This was not something like a casserole, it was...
Erza squeezed her eyes shut, trying to rid herself of the thought. Trying not to think anything at all and go back to sleep.
She did sleep, not too much later. The brooding did not make itself scarce, however, shaping her dreams and leaving a fuzzily confused feeling of forbidden warmth behind. When she awoke, Jellal's eyes were closed and his breathing was still as steady as that night. She could hardly believe how she had now seen him sleep twice in a row, remembering his shiver from the bath, as well as shower from when he had been at the guild before – his anxiety. It knocked him out cold.
Carefully, Erza lifted her head. She did not dare to put the chin back down to rest on his chest, feeling sorry for having crushed him all night as well as being afraid to wake him. He needed that sleep. And he needed a rest from her, she thought. One where they would not be apart, though, that might be too dangerous.
While eyeing him – the occasional twitch of his brows and loosely parted lips – Erza allowed herself to trace his features. His mark most of all. The thing she had wondered ever since first meeting him where it had come from. And now, whether it was… inheritable. Lost in thoughts, she reached out for it, noticing something else before touching his cheek. The faintest scar on his temple.
Remembering to have been the one to cause it, she redirected her hand. The second the tips of her fingers brushed the mended skin, Jellal's eyes opened. Did that light sleep of his come from travelling as a wanted convict or had he never had a single night of untroubled rest in all of his life?
"I'm sorry I laid on you all night," Erza croaked, her voice scratching in the back of her throat. Relief washed down her back when his features eased, a smile softly curving his lips.
"Don't worry, I don't mind at all," he assured but she could not rid herself of the guilt that had settled deep within her guts. It gave them a twist but she kept from expressing it with more tears.
"Let's-" she stopped herself. Taking a breath, Erza sighed to herself. Lifting her eyes again, she met his kindly shining ones, rephrasing. "If you like, we can switch places tonight…?"
He had declined but, even with her newly found resolve, Erza had insisted. To her surprise, it had taken little persuasion. Jellal had been insecure, resurfacing her fears of the beginning about him having fallen back into his endless abyss of 'unworthiness'. After settling between her legs and with his head on her stomach, however, constant caresses through his hair coaxing into unquestionable acceptance of her, he fell asleep shortly after her.
And he slept more soundly than she ever remembered him to have done, not waking up before her for once.