Authors Note: I acknowledge I have no ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210 characters or canon, the rest well yeah that's mine.
Sensitive Matters- Warning for some readers- This story may be too sad, it has a happy (not in the conventional sense) ending though it may not seem it to everyone. Sometimes happiness is having something seen and acknowledged, being able to say this was real, it mattered and it was true.
AN: This is a short story, I wrote when I was trying to write again. It's just shy of 20000 words. I'll either post it all in two or three parts over the next two to three days.
Choices
Chapter One
How's Brenda? Great question, I'd give an answer but how the hell do I know; she doesn't return my calls or write me back. She's blocked herself off from me and I have no idea why. One minute I was buying an engagement ring, we are discussing taking a few months off over winter to go explore Asia together and the next she's… no longer there. Well, she was there but she was pulling away, shutting me out, spending too long at the theatre or getting drunk and spending the night at Cate's.
I knew there was no one else, it was the one rule we had, the one unconditional agreement we made when we found each other in London: no emotional or physical cheating. I'd also surprised her and picked her up early a couple of times from Cate's, I wasn't checking up on her- doubting her. Instead, I had missed her, we rarely slept alone. Each time I'd arrive the morning after one of her drinking nights with Cate, she was groggy and exhausted. The coffee table would be covered in DVDs of girlie flicks and evidence of long vegging on the couch. I never doubted her, I knew she wasn't breaking our unconditional promise. It was the only thing I knew to be true back then, everything else I just couldn't understand.
It took three months of shutting me out before she called time on us. I had tried to fight her on it, tell her that two years of living together and talk of lifelong commitment might have flared our old flight instinct. I tried to convince her to fight instead, fight for us- she said she had no more fight in her.
I traveled after that, disappeared into the world. Attempted to give her space but still check in, hope that time would work it out. When she stopped taking my calls and my letters found their way unopened back to my lawyer's office, I knew. After that I did some reckless crazy things trying to feel something again like nearly getting killed on a mountain. When nothing touched me, fixed me I decided to return "home", well the only home I had left- LA. A home where I was immediately passed a drink, like I hadn't struggled all my life with addiction. A home where my "family" seems to have forgotten where a drink for me leads to. It didn't matter anyway, since London all things seemed pointless my sobriety at the top of that list.
I had sidestepped the Brenda question. And after a walk with Kelly on the beach where I spoke up my adventures like they were my whole time away like they were the highlight, no one tried again. I had successfully minimised London, and through my avoidance I had dismissed her as unimportant. After that I had tried to put the Dylan and Brenda book down. A book that's been closed, slammed and ripped, but one I never seem to stop wanting to hold.
Gina was a pale and mean substitute, but at night when I was high or the lights were low and I saw that raven hair resting on my chest I could pretend I could make believe for a moment, sometimes two.
Kelly is… Kelly is someone I can't pretend for even a moment. She's at worst my revenge, Bren's nightmare come to life if she even keeps in touch with anyone here anymore. She's at best my safest bet, someone who knows me well and the only one who still knowing all that- having been on the receiving end a time or two, turns up; there is loyalty in that. A respect for staying, not running or pushing me away. A loyalty that gives me hope that our dance at the wedding last night might finally help me put the book down and try and write a different story.
The morning after the wedding I'm parking my car at The Peach Pit planning on having a catch up with Val. She was surprisingly nice about Kelly and I last night, I'm hoping that wasn't just the false security that I often heard she'd trap her victims in. We hadn't seen each other in years, but… well she knew the truth about London and didn't say anything, she has never contradicted my false narrative. I'm not sure if it's an angle or friendship but either way breakfast, a catch up after our history seems like the right thing to do.
As I'm coming through the office, I note Nat's not in yet. Thankfully it's a quiet morning, there is hardly any noise from the restaurant floor. When I'm about to push the door open, I hear Andrea and Val at the counter, what stops me is Brandon's name.
"It was good that Brandon at least sent a video. I know she wanted him to come back for it, but he refused after her last bloods."
"Yeah, she keeps saying on the phone that she's getting better, stronger but I think it's pretty telling that she didn't send one too. Bren can pretend all she likes over a phone call, act like she's got this beat but… she was frail last I saw her, like really frail. No makeup or lighting would have hidden that from everyone."
"Hannah and I spent a weekend there a couple of weeks ago. She's frail but in good spirits, and her and Brandon are thick as thieves again. He has clearly gotten over his anger at her for trying to deal with this alone. And Cindy seems to be settling into Washington well. Her apartment isn't too far from the twins. Cindy said Jim is hoping to finish his contract in a few months in Hong Kong and join them full time there. Though she mentioned that he might have to extend it, delay his retirement; now that she's back from London and in the States, she is still covered under the company's family policy and well there is another treatment they want to try while they wait."
"It's horrible to say it because of what it means for someone's else's family, but I just want a donor heart already. Her life… what life. Whether it is London or Washington her life since she was diagnosed has been hospitals and apartments. She has practically cut herself off from everyone, don't get me wrong she's a great penpal but she's stuck in that apartment. Bren was made to fill rooms and stages, even as a kid she was larger than life. She's stuck watching the world from those windows."
"Val, you know what's best for her. The amount of checking I did of Hannah and I to make sure we weren't bringing anything in there, Brandon practically disinfectants himself ever night when he gets home, and he literally rushes to the bathroom after the park. Making sure any potential germ is washed off. One little cold could… you know this, and Bren's learnt to accept it. She's doing well. She's… peaceful."
"Yeah, that's what worries Brandon and me. The peace. The fact that when I tell her that it looks like Dylan and Kelly are finally ready to try properly, that that fact will actually make her happy give her comfort. I'm afraid that peace is really her giving up, and in a way, I think she did the moment she pushed us all away to deal with this alone, pushed him away. When she made her choice that summer." The quietness between the two carriers on and I think I hear sniffles, crying, but I'm not sure it could be my own.
"Are you really going to tell her about them? From the fragments and remarks in conversations, I don't think she knows much about his life after she cut him off. She definitely doesn't know about his overdose."
"Well, when she was hiding her illness from us, I let the cat out of the bag, or the rant down the phone line a few times, same with Brandon. The only reason he didn't jump on a plane and hit his ex-brother after hearing the lies around London from Steve was because when he called to tell Bren she finally told him where she was, he jumped a plane to London instead. Since then, Brandon and I have been her gatekeepers about him, we are afraid if we say anything it could kill her; you know her body can't handle any stress, and McKay has been a complete mess. Even looking like, he is doing better now he's stress to her. She wanted him happy; she pushed him out because she didn't want him to have to watch another person he loved die. After his dad and Toni, she couldn't do it to him, especially knowing she wouldn't be there to help him pick up the pieces. Neither of us have the heart to tell her that her act of kindness and love has nearly killed him instead."
"They were always at their best when together. From what I understand about London it was there best, better than Sophomore and Junior year. She showed Hannah some of her tapes of opening nights, their trips and her photo albums, they… they looked so happy, alive."
"Did Brandon tell you that when she was getting all her tests done, before her diagnosis, she found the ring? She didn't think he'd ever want to get married again after Toni, but there it was a ring. The romantic sap even got it engraved; you are my religion." It's quiet for a moment Andrea must make a face because Val clarifies. "REM played in the car when they broke up at the end of sophomore year, Losing My Religion is their song, well depressing song."
"Sadly, after everything it probably sums them up." I don't know if Andrea is right, I don't know much of anything anymore, but I do know that the engraving is as true today as it was then. She has always been my religion and without her I'm lost. I have always lost myself without her.
Val's tone changes and breaks the silence, "Okay, McKay is not always the most reliable but he's usually punctual. I'm grossed out even thinking about what or who has probably kept him late." I move then on auto pilot and go back out to the carpark. I come then through the back door customer entrance. I'm void of all emotions and honestly can't comprehend most of the conversation over my coffee; I know I reject the notion of breakfast and barely answer any questions. Val instead fills me on her life, well the parts I'm allowed to hear, and Andrea having joined us does the same.
It's when Val declares she has to get going as she promised to drop by Casa Sander's before her flight that I finally tune back into my surroundings. Especially, when she hugs me and asks a question that I know the answer is not for her peace of mind, "you are alright, right?"
Bren asked me that, it's her question are you going to be alright, or at times it was her reassurance; Dylan you are going to be alright. She'd ask when happiness maybe a long way off or if she was worried about if I had control of my demons, and then when I lose faith, I didn't know up from down she'd tell me then when I wasn't sure myself. She'd reassure me with her surety that I was strong enough.
I nod at Val. I can't open my mouth and lie, but the implication, the nod is the answer she wants so she can pass it on.
When she's out the door I turn to my first ever editor, the first person to push me to write. "Why does she need a transplant? And don't pretend you don't know who I'm speaking of, for years I have used the office entrance to get into the Pit not the customer carpark door."
Her face loses all colour, "you heard." I nod. "Dylan, it's…"
"Don't. You don't need to explain Brenda to me. Two years I've gone over those last three months trying to figure out what changed, and in a ten-minute conversation you both have made it crystal clear. I don't need you to interpret Bren's reasoning for me, it's exactly how she has always been. She defends people from danger, even at the cost of her own needs. She did it at that helpline you both volunteered at, she did it when Emily was playing with a lighter covered in gasoline, she did it when that chick went psycho in the play freshman year, hell even breaking into the lab was her misguided attempt at help… it's what she does, who she is. It doesn't mean she always gets it right, but I know her need to protect, that I don't need to understand. What I need is for you to explain to me why she needs a transplant and what doctors I need to pay to get her better?"
"Dylan…" I can see the refusal about to leave her lips, but the lift of my brow my defiant stare stops her. This is why I chose her; Val could nearly be as stubborn as my girl, if she refused I would get nothing, Andrea though I knew she couldn't hold up. She registers my resolve and understands that it will be her or one of the Walsh's who will be answering to me, and I guess she can imagine I won't be handling them with kit glove's; all of them knew where Bren and I were at, and they have cut me off kept me in the dark. Regardless of when they found out they should have told her that pushing me away to save me pain would escalate it- it has escalated, it nearly killed me.
"She was officially diagnosed July two years ago with myocarditis, it's an infection that effects the heart muscles. It can be mild or be a relatively short illness, but in severe cases it can be a challenge to treat. From reading her medical file it has been the textbook definition of severe. After medication and treatment didn't work, they put in an ICD." My head tilt makes her know she is speaking in medical lingo that I have been denied from knowing, denied from unpacking and understanding with her doctor's. "It's an implantable cardioverter defibrillator."
"Please say that's not what it sounds like, like she doesn't have a permanent machine in her chest shocking her to keep her heart going?"
"That's exactly what it does. Unfortunately, it's not seeing the improvement needed. She kept it quiet… Brandon only found out while she was recovering from a surgery in London. When it looked…. Her heart should be getting stronger, the implant should be like a support helping it to do its job. Her heart should be less taxed now and therefore gradually getting…" she leaves it there she can't say that it's not working, that it hasn't worked. Andrea is a doctor and even before that she could say the hard things, it's why journalism was always a strong career path for her. The fact she can't say it tells me that while some of the gang connections have been lost, maybe forever, others have been renewed- the twins were the first to help Andrea find her footing with all of us. Bren inviting her to the sleepover was the first opportunity for Andrea to make girlfriends at West Bev, some hands of friendship can end up meaning more than we ever realise at the time. They were clearly great friends again.
"It has slowed the deterioration, but… Brandon insisted on bringing them home when he found out the transplant list is shorter in the US and telling Jim and Cindy. The implant is giving her time, and she is starting another treatment a new type of corticosteroid this week, it will hopefully reduce the inflammation in her body. If it works it won't repair the damage, but right now her doctors are focusing on buying her more time, time until a heart becomes available."
I breathe deeply, once, twice. I breathe and stare at a point over the counter trying to put this altogether. "Second opinions?"
"Which one's? London, Washington, New York, hell even Jim has reached out to expert cardiologists in Hong Kong, Dr Martin even consulted on the case before his death. All of them are saying the same thing. The heart is now too damaged to repair, it's gone through too much. The focus is on keeping her organs healthy, keeping her strong enough to stay on the donor list, and buying her time to wait for a donor."
"Dr Martin, does Donna?" If they all knew and have been hiding it, if Donna knew I knew Kelly would know. Sadly, I wouldn't put it past either of them to hide it, and it speaks volumes that I imagine it would be more for their benefit than Bren's or mine.
"No. The Hippocratic Oath, he consulted confidently. No one here knows. Steve thinks she's in New York, because for a time she was under the care of a doctor there. The family, Val and I, her friend Cate and Roy Randolph are the only ones who know. She honestly… she thought it would get bet-"
I cut her off, "no from the start she knew. Whether the doctors knew, or it was just her intuition she knew." I swallow choking on the words, "she wouldn't have wanted to fight this alone; she wouldn't have pushed me away if she thought it was going to be an easy fight with a happy ending. She's like all those old dog's she loves so much, she wanted to disappear into the field to save us all the pain of watching it happen. She watched Shelia her aunt di… and Bobby's multiple surgery's, she wouldn't want to do that to her family. She wouldn't want to burden anyone with this." It's when she hands me a bunch of paper napkins that I realise my cheeks have a stream of tears running down them.
My tears are full of sadness, regret, pain and anger. I knew her, I knew something wasn't right. I asked her to fight but I should have stayed to fight it further, even if she wanted me out of the apartment I should have stayed there, showing her I wasn't giving up. I should have fought her to not kick me out of her life, but as always when I feel rejected, I run and hide; look for an escape. My pathetic insecurity has left my girl fighting this alone.
Willie, I think stops by to make sure all is well, but I don't register it. My self-loathing my anger at the world is burning through my veins. We were happy, we were planning our future. We had even had a brief moment when her period had been late, and we thought… we had both surprisingly been a little excited by the idea. Hopeful even. I should have known something was wrong, I should have known the universe hates me and doesn't want me happy.
When I finally feel in control again, I ask the question I already know the answer to, "do you think she will let me see her?"
"Dylan… she's. She can't have anything that causes her stress, she… she's weak. Her blood pressure needs to stay stable. Even if I thought she'd say yes, Brandon, Cindy and Jim would refuse it. Dylan it's, it's not about saying no to you, it's not a personal attack. She didn't want you to go through this after everything else, and you know you in any pain will increase her worry. She has never been able to see you hurt. If you heard Val and I, you know she is actually going to be happy about you and Kelly. You are moving on, finding love and creating a life here that you are proud of, that's what she wants for you. After everything you've been through, that, knowing you are happy and in love- even if not with her, it actually gives her peace."
I scoff, "you think I'm going to be able to… I love Bren, but she can be reckless and reactionary at times, make stupid decisions even with the best of intentions. If she was thinking this through, she would have known any happiness is only a shadow of… she would know that if the worst happens and I had found out the truth that I'd hate myself. That I wanted to swear sickness and health to her, that if the worst happens and I was not there to hold her hand to tell her how loved, special… how she made everything better." I swallow the lump that has risen up my throat. "It would kill me to have to hold my wife as she left me, see the life force leave her but it would destroy me to be denied it, to let her leave and not know how special she was. Toni, for however short a time we were together and whether that love could have lasted, it didn't matter, as she left this world, she knew that she was loved. That I loved her. Bren… I want, I need to be there whatever the outcome."
She reaches out a hand to my shoulder and tentatively squeezes, "I understand, but Bren knows you loved her, she knows that… Dylan, she doesn't blame you. She purposely pushed you away, made it so you couldn't stay. She actually complains that you were so stubborn holding on when she gave you no hope, she knows that she was loved by you completely, and if the worst happens- it's why she is at peace. She knows."
It's not enough, I need every second I can have with her. I need more with Bren I always needed more. "Andrea, is there a force on earth that could keep you away from Hannah?" She frowns as if that is a ridiculous question. "Bren is my family. She is the great love of my life. I need to be there."
I can see the arguments flash through her eyes, even the remarks to contradict. If this was Val, they would have been thrown at me like hot oil, she'd have wanted to melt my self righteous to the bone. Tell me she didn't give a shit about what I needed that this was about Bren. Andrea doesn't, it's not her style to fight other's fights, she never got involved in the drama. To the point that her by-standing allowed bad behaviour allowed abuse. Bren told me everything, we heard each other out, we healed each other in London. It makes my return here in many ways worse, I knew every pain they each hit her with, and I never held them accountable, I came back and ignored their wrongs as retribution punishment for her abandoning us.
"Look let me talk to Brandon let me… I'll let him know you know. He'll most likely want to talk to you regardless. But Dylan, he gets what Bren did, he understands his sister's thinking and he knows how she hurt you-" the pace, her choosing her words carefully I get it.
"It doesn't excuse my actions, my words, my rewriting of my past with her. B won't let my behaviour since being back in LA slide; I get it, don't worry. Jones lives in a glass house exactly like mine when it comes to his treatment of his sister, he can throw all the stones he wants I'm not afraid to throw some boulders his way. He can rip me apart all he wants for the last couple of years, but… look thanks for the warning but B and I are due a long fucking chat."
"Dylan, it's that that has me worried. Bren knows her brother, him having a shout out with you dragging up the past wrongs of each other. She will know that somethings up with him. Their life is full of calm, he works, she reads, cooks and does… well did some copyrighting on the side. They go for drives, listen to music, laugh about their childhood. They have filled each other in on the parts of their lives that the other has missed. He doesn't need his betrayals of her brought back up, and she definitely doesn't need their equilibrium damaged. She is-"
"Stop. Don't do this, don't make me the selfish asshole, don't make me feel guilty like I'm going to wreck this perfect world for them. It's…" I stand and throw money on the table that we moved to when I arrived, "I am sick of my choices being taken away from me. I'm not a child that needs to be managed and protected, I'm not the jerk that can't look after himself or her. I'm not the fucking messed up druggy I was after she left."
"Dylan, from everything I have heard from what's happened here since you been back, I don't-"
"She left me, we were perfect, happy, wanting to start a family and get married, we were devoted to each other and then it stopped like a light switch she turned it off and didn't tell me why, she just stopped loving me one day and I didn't know why. If-"
"Who? You aren't talking about Toni." I'm cut off by a voice thick with hurt and accusation, but I don't care. I don't care about anything but getting the fuck out of here and packing my bags and getting to my girl.
My eyes stay on Andrea, ignoring the blonde who has just entered the restaurant. "Make the phone call, give them whatever warning you want but I'll be there by tonight and believe me I won't be ignored anymore."